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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26844430">and you will be my always</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoNic18/pseuds/clarako_'>clarako_ (CoNic18)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Resident (TV 2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:20:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>114,158</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26844430</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoNic18/pseuds/clarako_</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Set one year after Conrad and Nic broke up. Are they destined to be together or is their connection too powerful? Multi-chapter, angsty angst, and CoNic. What more could you want? ;)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Conrad Hawkins/Nicolette Nevin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>77</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>123</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. announcement</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“And since its inception, Chastain Memorial Park Hospital has never once failed to send our best and brightest to the World Medical Society Conference each year and have them come back with awards or future fellowships, a plethora of attending physician position offers, scholarships and funding, and so much more from all around the nation and even the world,” Dr. Randolph Bell’s, Chief of Surgery at Chastain, voice rang clear through the auditorium. He was announcing the plans for the largest medical conference of the year, and he was always so unbelievably excited about it. He loved watching the attendings battle to show their colleagues that they were the best. He relished off the healthy competition. He looked through the crowd, watching as faces turned determined. Chastain had a reputation to uphold––it was home to some of the most excellent physicians and nurses in the entire country. Some attendings waited years to get this honor, and an honor it truly was. To be the best is one thing, but to be the best of the best is a whole new level. And many wished to attain this level of “bestness.”</p>
<p>But this year was going to be different. And different for some meant horrid, while it was exceptional for others. “This year, though, we’re doing things a little differently,” Dr. Bell began again, “Since we are working on expanding the hospital, we need all the attendings close by. That means, we will be sending… <em>residents</em> this year.”</p>
<p>His voice was met with gasps and murmurs from everyone sitting in the auditorium. Shocked. That was one way to describe it. Anger. There was another common emotion in the crowd. Hope? Yes, certainly, that was definitely present, too. The residents were being seen. And it was nerve-wracking, scary as hell, and definitely not expected. Wide eyes filled the crowd, heads turning frantically as the hushed voices grew louder. Everyone was animated. Every single person. Except for one. Dr. Conrad Hawkins.</p><hr/>
<p>Dr. Conrad Hawkins. Second-year Internal Medicine resident. He’s got cojones, guts, and cowboyish ways, but he cares deeply for his patients. Every single one. He is thorough, careful, and kind. Patients know to specifically request him if they can. He works doubles (and sometimes even triples), but he never risks a patient’s life if he’s feeling exhausted. If he were solely a doctor, he would be pretty much perfect. But he is a human being first and foremost, though he would sometimes rather just be a doctor and not have to deal with life outside the hospital. Because it’s messy. And the one good thing that he had was gone. Nicolette Marie Nevin. Nic. Because he couldn’t deal with his shitty past, he messed up his one shot at a normal future with the only woman he could ever imagine that with. He was never interested in “settling down,” but neither was she. And that was the thing. They just <em>connected</em>. They were both risk-takers. They both had balls. They both wanted adventure. And fun. And it was fun. And hot. So, so hot. But tensions escalated, words were exchanged, an unexpected pregnancy was lost, a random guy was beaten up at a bar, and that was the final straw. She couldn’t take it anymore. So, she left him. They were an extraordinary team, both at work and outside. And they both recognized just how important their careers were, so they didn’t let their… <em>that…</em> affect their work. But if things are boiled down again, they are human. Not just their careers.</p>
<p>Nurse Practitioner Nicolette Nevin is revered just as Conrad is. She is brilliant. Seriously brilliant. She’s badass and, like Conrad, would do anything for her patients. And she’s kind. So very kind. She knows that she loved Conrad, but she had to put herself and her health first, especially after losing the baby. Watching Conrad lose it was scary as hell. She didn’t want to ever be on the receiving end of that violence. She knew that fear was partially irrational, but what he did to that guy at the bar was nothing short of absolutely horrifying. Losing the baby was hard. For both of them. But he wouldn’t talk to her. She needed him and he shut her out. She knew he wasn’t doing it out of spite, but it still hurt. She was hurting, and she was forced into silence. Never uttering the words <em>I had a miscarriage</em>. She had said <em>I lost the baby</em>, and <em>I’m so sorry</em>, but the former was uttered twice and the latter was too vague, too small, and not enough to convey the deep loss they felt. Her body had failed them, she thought, and although Conrad had tried to tell her that it was not her fault, she couldn’t believe him fully when he acted so cold towards her. They weren’t ready. Their love was too much too fast. They flew too close to the sun, and they both got burned.</p>
<p>She broke up with him. <em>I can’t do this anymore</em>, she had said. What was the <em>this</em> she was referring to? Processing everything alone? The baby? Them? <em>Him</em>? She couldn’t be with him the way he was, and he couldn’t be what she needed because he was too broken. He was too damaged. And yet he loved her and wanted to be with her. He fucking loved––<em>and still loves</em>––her and he can’t do shit about it because she <em>can’t </em>be with him. Because <em>he</em> fucked it up. And he lives with that every damn day.</p>
<p>Part of her wants it. Hell, all of her wants it. All of him. Because she knows she loved him. But does she still love him? Can she let herself love him? She <em>can’t</em> fly too close to the sun this time because she’s afraid that if she does, her burns will never heal. Her scars are still fresh and prominent on her skin from a year ago when she lost two of the most important people in her life. She lost her baby, yes, but she also lost him. She pushed him away. They both fucked up. And there is still too much left unsaid. Too much time has passed. Yet at the same time, not enough time has passed to heal.</p>
<p>So, they continue to ignore it. They flirt. They laugh. They work incredibly well together. Because they just <em>get </em>each other. They act like friends, but friends aren’t supposed to know how the other tastes. What the other’s body feels like under theirs. What they sound like when they come. Friends don’t think about each other when they are getting themselves off. But for Nic and Conrad? If “friends” is what they have to settle for to be close to one another in <em>any</em> way, hell they’d take that in a heartbeat.</p><hr/>
<p>When Dr. Bell locks eyes with Conrad as the young resident rolls his eyes and proceeds to walk out of the auditorium doors, Dr. Bell makes mental note to keep a watch over him. <em>This one is going to be trouble,</em> he thought. If the past year (Conrad’s first year of residency) wasn’t enough of a sign that he makes his own damn rules and forges his own path whenever he pleases, walking out of arguably one of the most important all-physician meetings was certainly something worth noting. Dr. Bell clicks a pen that was placed in his front pocket of his scrubs and scribbles down <em>Hawkins</em> on his speech notes, curiosity stirring inside of him. <em>Let’s see what you’re actually made of,</em> he thought before continuing to explain the situation and answer the myriad of questions everyone seemed to have.</p>
<p>Conrad made his way quickly through the halls, pulling out his phone and checking his messages. As he rounded the corner––definitely way too fast––he slammed into something, <em>someone</em>, and his phone launched out of his hands as whoever he had just run into tumbled to the floor.</p>
<p>“Shit! I am so sorry,” Conrad mumbled, gathering his bearings and looking down to see what poor soul he just bodyslammed into the floor. When his eyes met soft chocolate-brown irises staring back at him, he breathed out a soft “Nic?”</p>
<p>He had one specific tone that he reserved for her. And for her only. It made her heart race, and he knew it. <em>Bastard</em>, she thought. And yet, her chest tightened as she remained frozen on the floor. Something about the way his entire demeanor softened as soon as he saw her made her melt into a puddle on the floor, making her completely incapable of moving to stand back up. She hadn’t realized that he extended his hand for her to take, and when she didn’t grab it and instead opted to stare at him for a moment longer, he reached his arms down to one of her elbows and the other to the middle of her upper back. He gently guided her back to a standing position. They didn’t do this. This closeness. Not anymore. His hands linger for longer than they should before her gaze drops to the floor.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry… I didn’t see you… I- I was… just––” he began, stumbling over his words, still feeling such a rush after his hands made contact with her body again.</p>
<p>She’s never seen him like this. It’s endearing. It makes her heart flutter in her chest. It’s really fucking <em>cute</em>. She never thought of Conrad as <em>cute</em>, but in this moment, right here, he was definitely, undeniably <em>cute</em>. Fuck, what was she thinking? And now she was staring. And he was staring back. His chest expanding slowly as he drew in a deep, controlled breath. They were close. <em>They were too close for friends</em>. His hands ghosted over her shoulders as he made sure she was actually okay, his gaze tracing the line his fingertips drew down her arms. She felt her lips part instinctively at his <em>almost</em> touch. <em>She was flying too close</em>. She needed to stop this.</p>
<p>“Conrad––” she began, her voice coming out smaller and breathier than she had hoped.</p>
<p>His gaze shot back up to meet hers. “Yes?” he asked, his voice low and gravely and <em>God</em>, she felt warmth rising to her cheeks and rushing down low in her stomach.</p>
<p>“I’m all good, thank you,” she added, tilting her head slightly and feeling a smile force her lips to curl up.</p>
<p>He smiled back, missing her <em>so much</em> and wanting to bring that smile to her face all the time. Just like he used to. He so badly wants to hold her like he used to. He wants to wrap his arms around her and feel her breathing and her heartbeat telling her that she’s really there and that she’s real. But he doesn’t reach for her. He doesn’t hold her. Because he <em>can’t</em>. Because she said <em>he can’t</em>. Because <em>she can’t</em>.</p>
<p>But what about what they <em>want</em>?</p>
<p>She clears her throat, interrupting his train of thought and snapping him back to reality. “You sure? I didn’t mean––” he started, his eyes holding a great level of concern and <em>care</em>. She so desperately wanted to slide her hands down the sides of his face, cupping his cheeks as she pressed her forehead to his. She wanted to feel his arms around her waist, setting a flurry of butterflies free inside her body. But she <em>can’t</em>. She can’t do it again. She has to be strong.</p>
<p>“Conrad,” she interrupted, placing her hand on his shoulder. <em>What the fuck am I doing</em>? she thought to herself. Alarm flashed across his eyes momentarily, but it was entirely replaced quickly by something she couldn’t quite read yet. It wasn’t anything she had seen in his eyes before. It was <em>soft</em>. It <em>melted </em>her. She swallowed, but her entire mouth was dry. “I am totally fine,” she reassured, “just a little startled. But what were you doing rushing around like a maniac?” she teased, trying to lighten the mood and joke her way out of a heavy conversation or confronting emotions and feelings she had tried so hard to suppress over the past year.</p>
<p>He chuckled and <em>dear God</em> how she missed his laugh. Everything about him was so goddamn sexy, but his laugh? Now that was in an entirely different universe of sexy. It was really, <em>really</em> sexy. Like, an I-need-to-bring-a-spare-pair-of-underwear-to-work kind of sexy. And she felt herself whimper at the sound. She <em>knows</em> he heard her. Because he lifts his gaze slowly and leans forward towards her. “You know me, any meeting that goes over ten minutes I simply cannot handle,” he joked, though she did know this about him.</p>
<p>He was <em>incredibly </em>impatient. Which was… <em>fun</em> in certain situations, but when it came to work meetings, she would have to seriously bribe him to stay in the room for the whole thing. He hated anything admin-related. He just wanted to practice medicine. He just wanted to take care of others. He didn’t give a flying fuck about what “code” the insurance companies want to label ear infections under, so long as the patients were taken care of in the hospital and didn’t have to face massive bills, he was content. He hated getting bogged down in those kinds of details that seemed so unimportant and totally missing the mark of medicine in his opinion. And Nic got that. But she’d make him go. And listen. Because it <em>was</em> important. It informed <em>everything</em>. And it sucks, but that’s the way corporatized medicine works. <em>Patients are profits, </em>was the lens through which this issue was looked at, and to do the best for patients, it was essential to understand the <em>profits</em> portion and not just the <em>patients</em> and medicine.</p>
<p>She was brought back to the present moment when his voice started up again. “But seriously, they are sending <em>residents </em>to that stupid medical conference this year. Can you believe that?” he scoffed, thinking back to Dr. Bell’s words.</p>
<p>“Wow, I didn’t think Bell would do something like that. Wait. That means you could go!” she exclaimed, her eyes twinkling. <em>God</em>, he loved when her eyes sparkled like that.</p>
<p>“Uh, I guess?” he replied, still mesmerized by her eyes.</p>
<p>“Conrad, this is <em>huge</em>. I wish nurses could go…” she said, a hint of remorse in her voice which Conrad picked up on immediately. He knew her so damn well and hadn’t forgotten a single thing that he immediately recognized the sadness in her voice.</p>
<p>“Why can’t they?” he asked innocently, his eyebrows pinching together slightly. <em>Cute</em>, she thought.</p>
<p>She let out a short laugh, “because, <em>silly</em>,” she began. Conrad’s breath caught in his throat at her calling him <em>silly</em>. They <em>never</em> did that. But he was being too much and she couldn’t help it. It was better that she called him<em> silly </em>than <em>cute</em> or even <em>adorable</em> or <em>precious</em>. <em>Silly</em> stopped her from saying stupid shit like <em>I love you</em>. So, she settled for <em>silly</em>. “Nurses <em>aren’t </em>physicians. We never get the same recognition, and it’s something I’ve learned to live with,” she finished, her eyes falling down.</p>
<p>“Well that’s bullshit,” he replied simply. “You,” <em>fuck,</em> “…er, nurses are incredible. You should be able to go to this conference if you want to. I think its dumb as hell that nurses and PA’s and techs aren’t allowed to come but <em>residents</em> are. The entire world of medicine would be completely nonfunctional without all of these people. I mean, come on, <em>I </em>would be completely nonfunctional without <em>you</em>.”</p>
<p><em>I would be completely nonfunctional without you</em>. Those words echo in her brain. And she can’t help but think that she wouldn’t be her without him. But she decides to ignore it. They always ignore it. “Conrad, I know what you’re thinking, and there is nothing you can do about it,” she replied, seeing a glint of an idea forming in his mind. “Don’t––” she began.</p>
<p>“Nic,” he interrupted. “You are a phenomenal nurse practitioner. And it’s about time for these idiots to get their heads out of their asses and see what I see.”</p>
<p><em>And see what I see</em>. Again, another echo of words flying around in her brain, trying to decipher the meaning. Trying to keep the Pandora’s box of her feelings locked. But it’s beginning to break. The lock has started to wear because of all the times she as slammed her angry fists into it. Desperately wanting it to break open and for her to <em>feel something</em> again. Because ever since they broke up, she’s felt numb. Every time she touches herself, she feels empty. Because it’s not him. <em>Fuck</em>. She’s staring at him. Wide-eyed. Just like the people in that auditorium just moments ago. And before she can feel words leaving her mouth, he’s gone.</p>
<p>“Conrad…” she whispers into the empty hallway.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. yes she can</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Did you hear? They’re posting who is voted to go to the conference today,” Nic remarked, somewhat scornfully, somewhat <em>jealous</em>. Because here she was again. <em>Almost</em> something. She was <em>almost</em> good enough to go to this one stupid event. She was <em>almost</em> enough to be recognized. <em>Almost</em>.</p><p>“Mm,” Conrad hummed in response, sensing Nic’s unease with this subject. He could practically hear her thoughts of inadequacy racing around in her brain. “Nic,” he began, his voice heavy. <em>Why was it so damn heavy</em>? Her eyes met his. His soft brown orbs linking with her deep chocolate ones. “You are more than good enough. For everything and everyone. Okay? I don’t want you ever to think otherwise.” His tone was serious, and his eyes again flashed with that same <em>something</em> she didn’t quite know how to describe. It was that same softness. It melted her again. But like always, as soon as she finally found her voice, he was gone. He had turned around the corner and out of the staff lounge they were both standing in.</p><p>But he left his coffee. She rolled her eyes and let out a puff of laughter. She pulled out her phone and texted him: <em>Hey genius, you left your coffee in here :P</em></p><p>He replied back quickly, instantly, as if he <em>knew</em> she was going to text him: <em>Hey genius, that coffee is for you. Check the note under the cup ;)</em></p><p>She felt her lips curl up into a warm smile as she lifted the cup to see what he was talking about. And when she did, her heart fluttered. <em>Nicolette Nevin, Chastain’s finest NP. You make everyone’s days brighter</em>, a little yellow sticky note read. <em>Thank you, Conrad</em>, she texted, feeling her eyes start to get wet. He never did this. In all the time they had been together, he wasn’t one for the cute little romantic gestures like this. He was so walled off, unable to talk about his feelings or even acknowledge them for himself. But something shifted. Something changed. And he was letting her in. Little by little. Testing the boundaries of their… whatever their “relationship” was (friends? …more?).</p><p>If the note didn’t completely destroy her for the rest of the day, his next text message certainly did: <em>You make everyone’s days brighter, yes, but especially mine. Nic, I could be having the shittiest day, then have you walk by me for no more than even half a second and it suddenly gets so much better. If your eyes meet mine and you smile, my day goes from shit to one of the most amazing. That’s all you. You have a real gift, and I am so damn lucky that I get to see it in action every single day.</em></p><p>She was crying now. No doubt about it. She wasn’t even trying to hide it. <em>That’s all you. You have a real gift</em>. How was she supposed to deal with that? The coffee, the note, the text, the eyes, it was all too much. She couldn’t take it. Her heart couldn’t take it. So, she ran. Like they both always do. So she wouldn’t have to open that Pandora’s box of her feelings. So she wouldn’t get hurt again. She makes a point to avoid him throughout the day. She can’t possibly handle what he was going to do next. Just seeing his sweet brown eyes and soft smile would make her stomach flutter and her heart scream to run into his arms. But she <em>can’t</em>.</p>
<hr/><p>“Did you hear? The results from the vote are in!” Mina Okafor, third year surgical resident, exclaimed. She was definitely the best surgeon Conrad has ever seen (and he’s seen quite a few legends), and she was bold, had an ego the size of Texas and the skill to back it up, and she was so unapologetically herself. She knew what she wanted, and she always got it. And she was <em>extremely</em> competitive. It was no surprise that she wanted, <em>needed</em>, to get voted to attend this conference. They were only going to accept one resident from surgery and one from medicine. The competition was fierce, and the stakes were high.</p><p>“Mm, yeah, I really don’t care,” Conrad replied, looking down at the chart he was holding as he walked next to Mina through the halls.</p><p>“What?!” she hissed, “what do you mean you <em>don’t care</em>?”</p><p>“Pretty simple. I don’t give a single fuck about this conference. I’m happy here. I don’t need to spend a week in some overpriced hotel listening to stuck-up century-old physicians talk about their ascension to fame and glory by way of exploitation of others,” he remarked sassily.</p><p>“Hm, well I just want to win,” she replied as they rounded the corner, meeting a crowd of residents and a few attendings.</p><p>“Conrad! Mina!” a few different voices shouted from the crowd. “You guys were voted in! You’re going to New York in two weeks!”</p><p>“What the––” Conrad muttered.</p><p>“Yes!” Mina exclaimed at the same time.</p><p>Their eyes met, and Mina let out a long, hard laugh. “This is going to be fun,” she joked.</p><p>“Oh, whoop-dee-doo,” Conrad added sarcastically, throwing his arms up and rolling his eyes. But then he got an idea, and a slow smile spread across his face.</p><p>“Don’t you dare come up with one of those goddamn ideas that is going to make things ten times more obnoxious as they need to be, Conrad. I know that look. Whatever you’re thinking, please don’t do it. Especially if it involves Bell. Just, no,” Mina said, slightly deflated yet with a warning undertone.</p><p>He simply chuckled and gave her a pat on the shoulder before dashing back around the corner and straight into Dr. Bell’s office.</p><p>“Conrad, why am I not surprised that you’re here?” Dr. Bell remarked sarcastically. “I must say, you are quite the character around here. Is this about the conference?”</p><p>“I will only go on one condition,” Conrad stated.</p><p>“I figured the prestige of getting there would be enough. Don’t you think you’re pushing this, Hawkins?” Dr. Bell pressed, confused by Conrad’s proposition.</p><p>Conrad simply raised his eyebrows slightly. “I don’t care about the prestige. This hospital and these patients know me, and I don’t need any fancy titles or headlines to make me a good doctor. I know what matters. What matters is making a difference.” He realized that this wasn’t necessarily the way that would get Dr. Bell’s approval, so he decided to appeal to something more his style. “Imagine how good for Chastain it would be if we broke the mold a little. The entire nation already knows we have top-notch physicians. So, let’s shake things up.”</p><p>“Hm, I’m listening,” Dr. Bell replied cautiously. He knew Conrad was a little reckless, but he at least had to hear what he had to say.</p><p>“Let Nic come,” Conrad stated.</p><p>“What?” Dr. Bell scoffed, “Conrad, Nic is a <em>nurse practitioner</em>. She can’t go to a conference meant for <em>physicians</em>.”</p><p>“Medicine doesn’t work without nurses and PA’s and techs and students. And she’s the best of the best. Chastain has some of the best physicians, sure, but we also have phenomenal entire medical teams. And those people need to be recognized, too,” Conrad replied. His mind wandered back to Nic. <em>She is the best of the best, and everyone needed to know that</em>.</p><p>“Conrad. We’re already taking a huge risk sending <em>residents </em>to this conference. If we send an NP, no matter how good, it will just seem so––” Dr. Bell began.</p><p>“So <em>what</em>, exactly?” Conrad nearly spat. He wasn’t sure if he was being defensive because Bell was really pushing his buttons or if it was because he was attacking Nic. He couldn’t tell where he ended and Nic began. <em>Shit</em>.</p><p>“We can’t send a <em>nurse</em> to a conference for <em>physicians</em>. That’s final,” Dr. Bell stated, his words sharp like a knife, slicing through the air.</p><p>Conrad drew in a deep breath. “If by the end of the day, your decision remains the same, then you can find someone else in medicine to go to the conference in my place. Because it sure as hell won’t be me. I won’t support an organization or an event that is so monumentally flawed in such a fundamental way,” he added, his words just as sharp as he turned to leave the office, anger rolling off him in sheets. <em>We can’t send a nurse to a conference to physicians</em>. The words repeated over and over in his mind. Nic is incredible. She <em>deserves </em>to go.</p><p>Physician, nurse, PA, tech––it shouldn’t matter. Everyone is necessary. Everyone works together. As a goddamn <em>team</em>. Sure, there was a place for physicians to meet and discuss, but the biggest medical conference only being open to physicians? Now, that seemed a <em>little </em>wrong. Hell, that was so fucking wrong. The stigma surrounding medical occupations that weren’t physician or MD’s was far too much. And it was about goddamn time to break the glass.</p>
<hr/><p>Nic was succeeding in her quest of not interacting with Conrad that day. She thought about him, yes, but she really didn’t see him that much. As soon as she did, she would dart around to another corner or into another patient’s room until he passed. And that strategy was working. Until she got an emergency page to one particular patient’s room: Lily Kendall. Lily was in and out of the ER so much, her cancer weakening her immune system, leaving her body highly susceptible to infection and worsening disease. She had been brought in earlier today, following her chemo treatment, with a high fever and a rash on her arms. She was given antihistamines and steroids to try and stop the reaction, but it just wasn’t working. She wasn’t getting better, and that was worrying Nic, who was in and out of her room all day.</p><p>When her pager beeped and Lily’s room number flashed across the top, her heart dropped. She bolted into the room, listening to the blaring monitors and calling for a crash cart. “Lily?” she asked, urgently, trying to see if she would respond. One of her hands laid across her forehead while the other rubbed up and down her sternum, but she wasn’t waking up. She was struggling to breathe, and as soon as Nic took one look at the monitors, she saw that her oxygen sats were down in the low 80s. “Page Conrad, now! And get me an intubation kit,” she exclaimed, yelling at a passing nurse who was immediately alarmed and quickly sent a page. “Lily, you’re going to be okay. I’m here. I’ve got you,” she said calmly as she gave her a quick epi injection that was already prepped next to her bed because Nic was worried this would happen.</p><p>“Nurses aren’t allowed to administer medic––” the young nurse that went to get the kit and the cart stated as she came back into the room.</p><p>“Is that really what we’re focusing on right now?” Nic snapped as she laid the top portion of the bed flat, prepping Lily for intubation.</p><p>Nic’s eyes searched around the room frantically for Conrad, but he wasn’t here yet. Lily’s sats were still stagnating in the 80s––though no longer plummeting––and she knew that she had to do something now. Just when she put on her gloves, Conrad flew into the room.</p><p>“What’s going on?” he asked urgently.</p><p>“Her sats dropped. She’s having a worse allergic reaction than before,” Nic replied. “I already gave her one dose of epi, but we have to intubate.” She quickly opened up the intubation kit, attempting to slide it towards Conrad, but he stopped her.</p><p>“This is all you. You’re doing everything right,” he said calmly as he handed her back the kit. “Save her. I’m here, but you can do this.”</p><p>She took a deep breath and steadied the kit in her hands, slipping the metal guide down Lily’s still swollen throat. The tube was difficult to get in, and she flashed her eyes back up to Conrad’s. But she was met with a glance that conveyed his complete trust in her. And with her focus back on Lily, with her newfound confidence, she angled the tube slightly differently and got it in. She released the breath she was holding as Conrad handed her the ambu bag, squeezing the bag to force air into Lily’s lungs. They both watched the monitor and saw her sats begin to climb back out of the 80s, into the low 90s. Nic felt a smile spread across her face before she went to adjust Lily’s flow of sedation so her body could catch a break.</p><p>After ensuring Lily was stable, Nic and Conrad walked out of her room, Nic leaning against the wall in the hallway and closing her eyes. Conrad paused and looked over her as she let a breath out through parted lips. Her hair was falling out, golden locks sticking out of her messy bun and cascading along the sides of her face and neck. Her hands were shaking, probably from the adrenaline, or maybe from the fact that she was approaching the end of her 12-hour shift. She opened her eyes and gazed back towards Conrad, who was practically beaming at her.</p><p>“What?” she asked, knowing very well that she was blushing because of the way he was looking at her. It was like she was the most precious thing on the face of the earth. And it made her heart flutter like crazy.</p><p>“Nothing, I’m just looking at the amazing woman who just saved that girl’s life,” he replied, a smile ghosting across his lips as he stepped towards her. He was close. So close. Close enough to where she could smell his shampoo. Close enough to say <em>fuck it</em> and close the distance fully. But she doesn’t. He doesn’t. They just stand there. Drowning and suffocating in the <em>almost</em>.</p><p>“Hawkins,” a voice boomed, bringing them both out of their hypnotic state. “My office, now,” Dr. Bell demanded, eliciting a panicked look from Nic as Conrad rose his eyebrows at Dr. Bell’s words. He quickly glanced at Nic, reassuring her with a soft smile before he turned and followed Dr. Bell out of the hallway.</p><p>“I was thinking about what you said earlier today,” Dr. Bell began, “and what I saw with that patient Lily Kendall.”</p><p>“You–– what you saw?” Conrad asked, confused about what Bell was implying.</p><p>“We can’t do any of what we do without a solid team. And what I saw with Nic taking the lead in Lily’s care, and how you trusted her to do so, it speaks volumes to her character. If we’re going to do this, then we’re going to do it right. Nic is the right choice. I’ve made my decision. She can go with you to New York for the conference,” Dr. Bell explained.</p><p>Conrad’s entire expression lit up. “You’re serious?” he asked, astonished.</p><p>“Don’t fuck it up, or I will have your head,” Dr. Bell teased.</p><p>“It’s Nic. She is physically incapable of fucking things up,” Conrad stated, only minorly gushing over Nic. Well, who was he kidding, he was big-time gushing over Nic. <em>She can go with you to New York for the conference</em>. Fuck yes! He has to tell her. He has to tell her now. “Thank you. You certainly won’t regret this,” he added.</p><p>“I take it you’re going to let her know?” Dr. Bell asked, raising one eyebrow.</p><p>“Um, yes, yeah I can tell her,” Conrad replied, somewhat sheepishly.</p><p>“Good. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Dr. Bell said, smiling, knowing he made the right decision.</p><p>“Yes, right, see you tomorrow,” Conrad replied, but his mind was elsewhere. He rushed out of Dr. Bell’s office, quickly returning to the place in the hallway he and Nic were standing just moments before Dr. Bell pulled him into his office. But she wasn’t there. He rushed then into the staff lounge and glanced around for her golden hair. His frantic eyes met Mina’s confused ones, and before she could ask what the hell he was doing running around like a crazy person, he blurted his question “have you seen Nic?”</p><p>“Uhm, she just left to go home. Hasn’t she already been here for twelve hours?” Mina replied, placing one hand on her hip.</p><p>“Yes, yeah, right, okay,” Conrad replied, quickly making his way to his locker and grabbing his clothes, bag, and bike helmet.</p><p>“Woah woah, slow the fuck down, Conrad,” Mina stated, placing a hand on his shoulder. “What the hell is going on?” she asked, concern etched all over her face.</p><p>“Nothing to worry about, Mina. I just really need to see Nic,” he replied, shrugging her hand off his shoulder.</p><p>“What is going on between you two?” she asked blatantly. “Did something happen?” she added, lowering her voice.</p><p>“What? No,” Conrad said, unease pressing its way out of his throat. “Nic is… well… she’s coming with us to New York.”</p><p>“What?” Mina asked, stunned. “She’s coming with you <em>just </em>for work?”</p><p>“She’s coming with <em>us</em> for work, yes,” he replied, slightly defensively.</p><p>“So, <em>nothing </em>is happening between the two of you?” she asked again.</p><p>“No, damnit!” he said, his voice raised just a little too loud as one of Mina’s eyebrows shot up. He sighed and recomposed himself, his voice lowering back to an acceptable tone. “Look, I’m sorry, I just really need to get the hell out of here so I can tell her that she has to arrange to take the conference week off from work. You don’t have a problem with her coming, right?”</p><p>“Absolutely not, Nic is amazing! It’s about time these pretentious pricks pull their heads out of their asses and see how valuable she is,” Mina remarked, noticing the sparkle in Conrad’s eyes when she said Nic’s name. <em>These two are such dumbasses, dancing around each other and pretending like they don’t feel anything when we can fucking hear the lingering glances from across the hospital</em>, Mina thought.</p><p>“She’s everything,” Conrad said, his voice and eyes conveying the weight of his statement. Mina simply inhaled deeply, sending him a sympathetic smile before he snapped back into action, quickly changing his clothes, rushing out of the hospital, and getting on his bike. The winter air was cold and crisp against his bare hands. <em>Why the hell did he forget gloves?</em> But he didn’t care. He only had one thought: Nic. He couldn’t wait to tell her.</p><p>He pedaled fast, the combined adrenaline of seeing Nic with the pressure to ride fast to not freeze to death making him arrive at her front door far quicker than he anticipated. He knocked three times––their signature thing––and waited.</p><p>Nic heard three soft knocks at her front door, and her heart dropped into her stomach. She had just showered and settled into a comfortable oversized sweater and pajama shorts. She made her way to her front door, dragging her socked feet across her wooden floor, and looked through the window to see him standing there. A huge grin was plastered across his face, and she couldn’t help but smile, too. <em>God</em>, she loved his smile.</p><p>“Conrad?” she asked, a little breathless, as she opened the door.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. first</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sooo... I wasn't going to post anything else today, but I just wrote this one and decided that I would post it. Consider it an extra present for the day ;)</p><p>M-rated, so be warned.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Is everything okay?” she asked, worried.</p><p>“Yes, everything is good,” he replied. That’s when she noticed he was really fucking cold. It was snowing after all, and the wet jacket coupled with the windchill and lack of gloves probably left him insanely cold.</p><p>“Conrad, it’s freezing! Get in here,” she scolded, practically dragging him inside.</p><p>The touch sent shivers down both of their bodies. But not just from the cold. She shut the door before her brain caught up with what she had just done. <em>Conrad Hawkins was standing in her house</em>.</p><p>The last time he was here, she was laying on her sofa, a smattering of different pills across the coffee table, and she was cuddling a blanket as she cried. It was New Year’s Eve of last year. And she was having a miscarriage. <em>We will get through this</em>, he said that day, holding her hand as she cried. But they didn’t. They didn’t make it through.</p><p>Conrad must have been having similar thoughts, as his entire face seemed to be drained of color as his gaze fell upon her sofa. “Nic…” he began.</p><p>“Conrad, it’s okay,” she replied, her voice soft and sweet as she placed her hand on his shoulder again like she had done the other day. She wants this to be normal. She wants to be able to touch him like she used to. But she <em>can’t</em>. But now, she doesn’t even know why.</p><p>He shivered, this time from the cold, and Nic noticed. “My God, you must be freezing. You know, you really are a dumbass sometimes. What on earth was so important you couldn’t just call me? You just <em>had</em> to bike through the snow! Which is now falling like a bitch, by the way. You could have gotten hurt! You––” she ranted, throwing her arms up and scrunching her nose up. And <em>God</em>, even though she was angry with him, he loved it. He couldn’t help but smile. “Wipe that stupid grin off your face right now, Hawkins,” she said firmly, pointing a finger at him.</p><p>He crossed his arms and let out a deep laugh, making her anger falter. <em>Shit</em>. <em>Ignore it</em>. “I’m going to make you some tea, dumbass. And take that wet jacket off so you don’t get hypothermia,” she added before disappearing around the corner into her kitchen. “And when you’re no longer a freezing idiot, you’re going to tell me why you came over,” she added, her voice carrying through the house.</p><p>Conrad sighed, feeling warmth spreading inside of him. And it was not just from stepping into her house and out of the cold––it was because of <em>her</em>. He shed his jacket, kicked off his shoes and socks, and stood in her entryway, not sure whether it was okay for him to come in further.</p><p>As if she could read his mind, her voice emerged from the kitchen again, “don’t just stand there, silly. Come here,” she said, her voice <em>sickly </em>sweet. He walked into the kitchen and leaned over her counter as he watched her at the stove. She took the kettle off the flame and filled two cups with hot water. She didn’t even have to ask what he wanted. <em>She just knew</em>. He wasn’t a big fan of tea, but there was something about the way that she made it that just made it <em>better</em>. He isn’t quite sure if it was the ratio of spices or just <em>her</em> that made it so good (he thinks the latter). She swayed her hips ever so slightly, and it was extremely difficult for Conrad to maintain his innocent and good intentions that he came over with. All he wanted was to hold her and tell her that she was beautiful. He wanted to kiss her and pull that sweater over her head. He craved the feel of her skin under his fingertips. He had a Nic-shaped hole in his heart, and seeing her like this just made him realize how prominent that hole was.</p><p>She turned around, and her eyes met his. She gazed over him momentarily, taking in the sight that was before her. His hair was disheveled from his helmet, his shirt clung close to his skin because it was damp from getting soaked through his jacket, and his cheeks were a little rosy from the drastic change in temperature from outside to inside her house. She set one of the cups she was holding down in front of him and gripped the other tight with both of her hands so she wouldn’t reach out and touch him.</p><p>“Thank you, Nic,” he said through an exhale as he placed his hands around the cup to warm them.</p><p>She smiled at him, conveying her admiration through her chocolatey eyes. “Now, are you going to tell me why you decided to be the dumbest person of the day?” she teased.</p><p>“Hey now,” he began, his voice dangerously low, “I come with good news. News that I couldn’t share or explain over the phone.”</p><p><em>This </em>piqued her curiosity. “Oh yeah? What happened?” she asked, leaning her elbows onto the counter, bringing her whole body closer to him. Close enough to push against the boundary of friends and more. The tension between them could be felt for miles. <em>But they can’t</em>.</p><p>He cleared his throat, trying to push the dirty thoughts that kept creeping up into his mind away. “Remember that conference?” he began.</p><p>She leaned away. “Yes,” she said, her expression hardening.</p><p>“You’re coming with me,” he stated, a smile spreading across his face.</p><p>Her attempted-concealed anger was replaced quickly with a flash of hope, then confusion. “What are you––” she began.</p><p>“It’s about time that nurses and other medical staff start getting some respect for all they do. And what’s better than starting with one of the very best?” he said, so much admiration in his voice. Then there was that little flash of <em>something</em> in his eyes.</p><p>She finally figured out what it was. <em>Love</em>. <em>Shit.</em></p><p>She was speechless. “You’re serious?” she whispered, covering her mouth with her hand as a smile took over her entire expression.</p><p>“Very,” he replied, matching her sentiment of excitement.</p><p>“Oh my God!” she exclaimed, rushing to the other side of the counter to wrap her arms around him. Before her brain could tell her no, her arms were around his shoulders and his were around her waist, and they were holding each other, breathing each other in and relishing in their shared excitement. She could feel his heartbeat, and <em>God</em>, she doesn’t know of a better feeling than his heart against hers. They hold each other longer than friends should. Longer than <em>they </em>should.</p><p>Holding her felt so good. It felt so right. He knew he loved her, but this just proved everything. This was <em>right</em>. This was <em>everything</em>. Such a simple gesture meant <em>everything</em>. She means everything.</p><p>They pull away, arms still around each other, and they gaze into each other’s eyes. And they see so many of their moments they still treasure and love. <em>Friends</em> don’t look at each other like <em>this</em>. The look in his eyes right now matched the look he gave her right before their first time. She was thinking then that it was love. And now she was certain it was.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>FLASHBACK TO 2 YEARS AGO</strong>
</p><p>“The second I get outside of the car, this taco is going into my face,” he chuckled.</p><p>Nic laughed, and she drove a little faster, not wanting to prolong Conrad’s torture. He noticed what she was doing, and he smiled at her. She parked her car right outside her house, and Conrad instantly jumped out of his seat, flew out of the car, opened his box, and shoved a whole soft taco into his mouth.</p><p>Nic’s jaw dropped, and she laughed so hard at Conrad’s actions that she had tears in her eyes and she almost couldn’t breathe. “You–– you weren’t kidding,” she said, giggling and catching her breath.</p><p>“Mmhmm,” Conrad replied, his mouth completely full.</p><p>Nic stepped out of the car, wiping her laughter-induced tears from her eyes as she fumbled with her keys. Her laughter slowly faded when she realized how suddenly nervous she was to have him over at her place. They had slept over a few times at each other’s places, but never really <em>did </em>anything besides make out a little. Usually when they slept over, they were both exhausted or coming from opposite schedules and taking a quick nap. This felt different, and they both knew it.</p><p>Nic nervously unlocked her front door to her house, her hands shakily moving her key in and out of her door as she pushed it open with her shoulder. <em>Get a grip, Nic. Stop being so nervous,</em> she thought to herself. Conrad stepped closer to her, placing a hand around her waist, the other holding the food. He kissed her forehead before she opened the door fully.</p><p>They both walked in and kicked off their shoes, Conrad inhaling another half of a taco.</p><p>Nic chuckled and rolled her eyes at him. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?” she said, taking her box of food from him. She set her keys on the table and started walking towards the couch.</p><p>Conrad grabbed a couple of napkins from on the counter and followed her. He sat down next to her, and she leaned into him. They ate their food and talked and laughed. Conrad looked down at Nic, who was resting her head on his chest, and he let out a deep breath.</p><p>Nic noticed, and asked, “hey, is everything okay?”</p><p>“Oh, yes, Nic. Everything is perfect,” he replied, kissing the top of her head. He was really just lost in thought of how to tell her how he felt. He wanted to, but he didn’t want her to feel like she had to reciprocate. Instead of focusing on that, he decided to ask her about what she was going to tell him earlier. She snuggled back into him, and he asked “so… you were going to tell me something earlier today? I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since you mentioned it, and I am not going to lie, I have become quite curious,” he stated.</p><p>Nic propped herself more upright so she was looking into his eyes. “Yes, right. I also haven’t been able to stop thinking about that,” she said nervously. Conrad searched her eyes, but he couldn’t read her. He was starting to worry.</p><p>“Nic, are you okay?” he asked, not concealing the concern in his voice.</p><p>“Oh, yes. No, no, I’m completely good. I am great, actually,” she said, looking directly at him. She raised a hand to his cheek, stroking his beard lightly. “Conrad, I can’t see a future if you aren’t in it. You have become something I can’t live without. I–– I think–– uh,” she stammered.</p><p>“Nic, I’m not going anywhere. You’re not getting rid of me so easily,” he chuckled, trying to reassure her.</p><p>“And that’s great… because I think–– I mean, I know that I–– I want you, Conrad,” she breathed. “I don’t want you to feel pressure to say anything in return, but––”</p><p>Conrad smiled and grabbed her and pulled her close. “God, I want, too, Nic,” he replied. “I’ve wanted to tell you that since I gave you that ring, but I didn't want you to feel pressured, too,” he stated, kissing the top of her head again.</p><p>“Conrad, I––” she started before he cupped her face and kissed her passionately. Their lips separated from each other’s and they both sat back and looked at each other.</p><p>“Nic, you have no idea how amazing you are,” he breathed. He pulled her into another kiss as she climbed on top of his lap, straddling him.</p><p>They both moaned softly. “Conrad,” Nic exhaled. “I want you to be sure,” she said, breathing heavier.</p><p>“Nic, I’m sure,” he breathed. “I want you.”</p><p>“Conrad…” she started. She looked into his eyes, then pressed her lips to his.</p><p>He pulled her closer to him, closing the space between their bodies. Their tongues darted back and forth in each other’s mouths, first in hers then in his. “Nic…” he breathed.</p><p>“Conrad… God,” she said as she kissed down his neck. “Are you sure about this right now?” she asked, clearly nervous both about the situation going on between the two of them.</p><p>He chuckled, grabbing her hands, “Nic, I really am sure. But we can wait to do this if that’s you want,” he said, stroking her hair.</p><p>“Conrad Hawkins, I just told you that I wanted you, and I still do. So let’s fucking do this,” she said, her voice low with desire.</p><p>“Shit, Nic,” he whispered, his lips brushing against the side of her face. “I want to show you how much I want you. I know we haven’t talked about, well, anything… physical, yet, but I want you to be completely honest with me and feel like you can talk to me about anything. I won’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with, and I want to know what you feel okay doing tonight,” he said, his voice full of compassion and love.</p><p>Nic melted at his words. “Conrad…” she started. “I–– I don’t know what to say,” she replied. “Thank you,” she said before kissing him again.</p><p>He was completely enchanted by her. Not a moment passed when he wasn’t thinking about her––everything he did somehow reminded him of her. Her eyes, her lips, her hair: she was beautiful. And not just that, but she also had a beautiful soul. Their hands roamed each other’s bodies, and they started tugging at their clothes, never breaking contact between their lips. They’ve made out many times before, but tonight felt different. They were both ready for something more. All the fun dates, the hours of movie marathons, the late-night phone calls. They <em>wanted</em> more.</p><p>“Conrad,” she started again, pulling away from him. She tried to get her breathing under control, but she was still short on oxygen. “Take me to bed,” she exhaled.</p><p>Conrad looked at Nic, his eyes deep with passion. “Am I dreaming? God, you’re incredible, Nic,” he replied, practically growling. “Are you sure?” he asked.</p><p>She nodded her head, “yes. I am sure.”</p><p>He slid to the edge of the couch, holding onto Nic as he stood up. She wrapped her legs around him as she directed him towards her bedroom. They entered her room, and he set her down so she was standing right in front of him. She grabbed the lower edge of his black t-shirt and pulled it up. He lifted his arms and she pushed it off the rest of the way. She let her hands feel his toned chest and back, her fingertips leaving a trail of goosebumps across his skin. She placed feather-like kisses all over his chest, then she moved to suck on his neck and jaw. She walked him backwards until he was flush against the wall. She pressed herself into him, feeling his body against hers. He groaned as she closed the space between them, and he grabbed onto her shirt. She removed her lips from him for a split second as he swiftly pulled her shirt over her head, leaving her standing in her black lacy bra.</p><p>“Damn, Nic,” he whispered, pulling her into him and flipping them around so she was against the wall. Nic’s eyes widened with excitement as Conrad pressed her hands above her head against the wall so she was pinned. He kissed her jaw and moved down to her collarbones. He pressed his body to hers repeatedly, grinding slowly into her as she moaned softly. She could feel him getting hard through his jeans, and she was getting excited, too. He dragged his nose down her sternum and bent his knees so he was at the level of her waist as he let her hands go. She moved her hands down to his hair, and she tugged lightly. He took her belt into his hands and pulled it off. He undid her jeans and pulled down her zipper, placing a kiss right below her navel. He stood back up, immediately finding her lips with his while she continued tugging at his hair. He kept his hands around her waist, then moved them to her jeans. He pulled them down as she helped wiggle all the way out. She stepped out of them, kicking them off to the side of the room. She was practically naked, standing there in just her black panties, bra, and socks, and she felt how real this was becoming.</p><p>“You are so incredibly beautiful, so sexy,” Conrad began. “How are you doing?” he asked, lifting her chin up with his index finger. “Is this okay?” he said, searching her eyes for hints of doubt.</p><p>“Conrad, I am great. This is wonderful,” she said reassuringly, grabbing him by his beltloops and flipping them around again so his back was to the wall. She crashed her lips onto his, still holding onto his beltloops. She moved one of her hands to undo his buckle and used the other to help pull his belt off. Her hand brushed across the front of his jeans and he moaned in response to her. She had a tremendous effect on him, and even a little touch of hers started to seriously unwind him.</p><p>Their breathing quickened, and their hearts were pounding. Conrad started feeling his sense of reality slipping away as remembered dreaming of this moment with Nic. Certainly, he had slept with a number of women, but he had never taken the time to explore someone like he was doing with Nic. The reality, though, was more amazing than any of his dreams.</p><p>On the other hand, Nic hadn’t been with anyone since her undergraduate years, and they didn’t make it past second base. She didn’t want to tell Conrad because she was worried that he’d think less of her because of his more, well, <em>substantive</em> track record.</p><p>She pushed that thought from her mind as her hands nervously unzipped his jeans. Conrad’s hands came in for help removing his pants, and as he stepped out of his jeans, he walked Nic over towards the bed.</p><p>They stood there for a second, looking into each other’s eyes, then letting their eyes wander over each other’s bodies. Conrad saw nothing short of perfection, from her long legs to her toned stomach, gorgeous breasts, and heavenly smile. She was absolutely stunning. Nic thought her heart was going to beat out of her chest as she looked at Conrad. His hair was slightly messy, his eyes dark with desire, his toned arms and abs moving with his breathing, and his dark, tight boxers were doing very little to conceal what was beneath. She inhaled a shaky breath as she brought her eyes back up to his. She stepped closer to him and kissed him like she needed him more than oxygen, wrapping a leg around his. He picked her up as she wrapped her other leg around his waist.</p><p>He moved closer to the bed then laid Nic down gently before climbing on top of her. He kissed her passionately as she let her hands roam all over his body, dragging her nails across his back, causing him to shiver and groan. “Nic, you have no idea what you do to me,” he said in his low, sexy voice, pulling away from her for a second to look at her.</p><p>“Conrad…” Nic started. She grabbed his face before he could kiss her again.</p><p>“Is everything okay?” he asked, a little worried.</p><p>“Yes, but I–– uh, I have something to tell you,” she said, her voice shaky.</p><p>“Anything,” he replied, rolling them over so she could lay on top of him.</p><p>She couldn’t help but smile. “Conrad, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this earlier. I, uh, I––” she stammered. She closed her eyes and inhaled, trying to regain composure. “I haven’t, um, slept with anyone before… I’m a virgin,” she stated, her eyes still closed. She was worried that if she opened them, she would see disapproval written across his face, but when she opened her eyes, nervously, she saw nothing but warmth.</p><p>“Nic,” he began, running a hand through her hair. “I’ve never cared about how many people you’ve slept with. But knowing this is your first time makes me want to make this even more special for you. I also really want you to communicate with me––let me know if you don’t feel comfortable at any point and we can stop. I am not going to judge you at all. Nic, tonight is all about you,” he replied, never breaking eye contact with her as his fingers twirled her hair.</p><p>“Conrad,” she breathed, her voice shaky. “What did I do to deserve you?” she whispered.</p><p>“Nic, you have been the greatest gift of my life,” he replied. “From the first day we met at that bar and you beat my ass at pool,” he began, Nic chuckling at that memory, “I knew you were someone special. I just didn’t quite realize how special you’d become.”</p><p>She smiled and ran her hand down his face, kissing him sweetly. “Words can’t describe how important you are to me,” she said as she let out a breath. “I just want to be good enough for you,” she added, placing her warm hand over his chest.</p><p>“Nic, you are so much more than just ‘good enough,’” he said, placing his hand on top of hers, then moving to kiss her forehead.</p><p>Nic <em>melted</em>, but Conrad immediately flipped them back over so he hovered above her. “I want all of <em>this</em>, Conrad Hawkins,” she added.</p><p>He shuddered as she said his name. “God, if you keep saying things like that, in a few minutes, my name will be the only thing that you will be able to say,” he said deeply.</p><p>“Then make me,” she said, bringing his face just inches from hers. “I’m ready, Conrad.”</p><p>“Fuck, Nic,” he said through ragged breathing as she ran her free hand down his back and around to the front of his boxers. She smiled at his reaction to her. She loved that she possessed qualities that made him feel the same way that she felt about him. <em>She loved?</em></p><p>She moved her hand away again and returned to caressing the rest of his body. He started grinding against her, and she whimpered. She inhaled sharply as Conrad’s hand meandered to her breast, covered in her black lacy bra. He massaged her breast as she tugged at his hair, kissing all around his face. So many sensations, from his hands to his lips to his breath to his dick against her, she was already in a state of bliss.</p><p>She felt her eyes go wide as he reached around her back and unclasped her bra. “Are you doing alright, Nic?” he whispered into her neck.</p><p>“Y-yes,” she panted.</p><p>Conrad chuckled into her neck and started sucking as he removed her bra. She gasped when he found a spot just below her jaw that drove her crazy. “Conrad…” she breathed.</p><p>“Mmh, Nic…” he replied as he tossed her bra off the bed. “God, you’re stunning,” he added, sitting up and gazing upon her.</p><p>“Come back here,” she teased, reaching out around his waist and lowering him back onto her.</p><p>“Oh, don’t mind if I do,” he replied, smiling as his stubble tickled her breasts. He kissed her nipples before sucking one into his mouth, rolling it around with his tongue and grazing his teeth lightly across it. She sucked in breaths, but she couldn’t get enough oxygen. She arched her back off the bed and tilted her head back, running her hands up and down Conrad’s back.</p><p>He kissed his way back up to her lips and pushed her legs apart with his. She whimpered lightly, whispering his name as his hand traced down her flank down to her panties, which were thoroughly wet. He groaned as he rubbed his hand across her wetness as she arched into his hand. She was no longer in control of her actions as she was completely driven by pleasure. She was overwhelmed with so many new feelings, but Conrad was making sure to take his time so she could enjoy every part.</p><p>She was completely lost in all of the movements, but Conrad suddenly stopped as he hooked his fingers around her panties. “Nic, do you want to start out by feeling out my fingers?” he asked through heavy breathing.</p><p>Nic found it difficult to speak, but she wanted to make sure she gave him a clear answer. “Yes,” she panted, “please, Conrad.”</p><p>He smiled. “I’ve got you,” he reassured her as he kissed her passionately and peeled off her panties. She lifted her hips so he could pull them fully off, and he shifted so his shoulders were in line with her knees. He lifted up one of her legs and slid off her sock, kissing her ankle before repeating with the other foot. “Sorry, I have a weird thing for socks and sex,” he said with a soft laugh. He pulled his socks off, too, then returned his attention back to Nic.</p><p>“That’s okay, I think it would be weird, too,” she replied. “Hey,” she started, waiting for his eyes to meet hers, “you’re amazing, Conrad.”</p><p>“You’re amazing, too, Nic,” he replied as he shifted back up to kiss her hard. She moaned into him from his kiss and from his hand drifting between her legs again. He pressed two fingers against her slit and she bent her knees in, arching off the bed again. “Are you ready?” he asked.</p><p>“Yes,” she replied, bringing her hands back up into his hair. “God, yes.”</p><p>He kissed down on her lips as his fingers entered her. He moved from her lips to her neck so she had room to breathe. He kissed and sucked her, curling his fingers inside of her and causing her to moan his name.</p><p>He loved when he saw how much she wanted him. He was always afraid that she was going along with things to be polite, but in this moment, he knew that her feelings for him were real. Her head was thrown back, her hair was a mess, her lips were swollen, she was panting his name, and her breathing was uneven. She was absolutely stunning.</p><p>Nic felt herself clenching her muscles uncontrollably onto Conrad’s fingers, and he began moving them in and out of her. Her breathing hitched when he thrust harder into her and brought his thumb up to press into her clit. His eyes were glued to her face, watching her carefully to make sure she wasn’t in pain. Her mouth was forced open, but her eyes were fluttering closed. She started losing her grip on reality as her pussy throbbed and Conrad’s fingers danced inside her. She arched harder off the bed, gripping the sheets on either side of her, and she produced a continuous stream of moans and noises of pleasure. She whimpered and moaned as she felt a warmth radiating from her core outward as every muscle in her body tensed. Her eyes forced themselves closed as Conrad kissed her jaw, and her hands moved to grab him and hold him in place. He was curling and uncurling his fingers, rubbing his thumb across her clit when he felt her tense all around him.</p><p>Her eyes opened wide, and she let out a few more moans and cried out his name. Her orgasm crashed down on her, and she felt as if every cell in her body was responding to Conrad’s movements. There was not a single fiber in her body that wasn’t fully attentive to how he was making her feel. She had never felt anything like this before. She continued whimpering and breathing his name over and over as he brought her down from her cloud 9 slowly and gently.</p><p>He captured her lips with his and kissed her sweetly, releasing his fingers from the tight grip her body had on them. He sat up between her legs and stroked her hair. “How was that, beautiful?” he asked.</p><p>“Oh… my… God…” she struggled to get her words out, “Conrad… that was… oh my God,” she said through her heavy breathing.</p><p>He kissed her and felt her warmth boiling off her skin. She was still trying to catch her breath, when he said, “Nic, oh God, you’re just incredible.”</p><p>“Conrad…” she started. “I need–– I need you,” she said, looking at him with such a fiery desire that he felt her heat from her eyes.</p><p>“Are you s-sure?” he asked, trying to hold back a groan.</p><p>“Conrad, I am one hundred percent sure. Please, I need you right now,” she stated, still breathing heavily, and reaching up and grabbing his face and pulling him down onto her.</p><p>He started grinding into her again, feeling the friction between her pussy, his boxers, and his dick. She reached both of her hands down to the waistband of his boxers and tugged. He helped her wiggle them off, and after they were past his ass, he sat up and shoved them the rest of the way off. As soon as he was freed from the constraint of his boxers, Nic’s eyes widened.</p><p>“Nic––” he started, his breathing heavy.</p><p>“Conrad,” she interrupted, holding his gaze. “Take me,” she demanded as she wrapped her hand around his shaft.</p><p>His eyes closed from pleasure and he thrust into her hand. “Mmh… condom,” he growled. Nic opened up the drawer next to her bed and pulled one out.</p><p>“A gift from my girl friends,” she explained. “More of a joke than an actual gift, but hey, they’re coming in handy now, eh?” she giggled as he tore the packaging with his teeth and rolled the condom onto his erect dick. He chuckled at her as well, capturing her lips with his. He was already unable to get enough oxygen, and his muscles were flexing as he started feeling himself build up.</p><p>He positioned himself just outside of her, then looked directly into her eyes. “Nic, are you sure?” he said, his eyes dark and deep with lust, <em>and maybe something more</em>.</p><p>“Yes, Conrad,” she replied, smiling at him. She reached up and kissed him before she felt the tip of his dick brush against the outside of her slit. He guided himself partly into her, and he let her adjust to the new feeling. “You alright?” he asked.</p><p>“Y-yeah, I-I’m good,” she said, nervous and excited.</p><p>“Okay, just tell me if something doesn’t feel right or hurts,” he repeated, holding back his groans.</p><p>“I will,” she said, looking at him with a most powerful gaze.</p><p>They both inhaled briefly before he pushed himself further into her. She yelped and grabbed his hips to halt his drive. “Fuck,” she muttered.</p><p>“It’s okay,” he replied, pulling a little bit out of her and kissing her neck. “You’re doing great, Nic,” he reassured her, brushing his fingers through her hair.</p><p>She let her hands go from the grip she had on his hips and let him proceed again. “Okay,” she breathed.</p><p>“Okay,” he mirrored. He drove into her again, cautiously, finally fully entering her. He fit into her perfectly, and Nic’s toes curled at this feeling. “Conrad… oh my… Conrad,” she breathed as he started slowly rocking in and out of her.</p><p>“Fuck, Nic… Goddamn,” he growled. “You’re perfect.”</p><p>He kissed all around her jaw as his breathing started to quicken. Her hands found his hair again and she started tugging and mussing it. She was kissing him with all she had, pressing his face down into hers. He started picking up the pace and thrusting deeper into her. She whimpered for him, feeling yet another need for release building. She wrapped her legs around him, wanting as much of him as possible. Conrad also felt his own need rising, and his brain started fogging up with desire. He was growling into her neck as she ran her hands up and down his back. “Damnit… Nic… oh my God… you’re amazing,” he hissed.</p><p>“C-Conrad,” Nic responded, starting to dig her nails into his back.</p><p>They were both panting, and Nic started clamping and squeezing Conrad’s dick inside of her, bringing him closer to his release. He could feel how close she was, so when he slid one of his hands down between her legs and pinched her clit, she came hard. She screamed and wriggled under him, throwing her head back as Conrad kissed her neck and collarbones. Her intense clenching was what sent him over the edge and plunged him into his own sea of pleasure. Her pussy and his dick were pulsing as one, and he collapsed onto her in a fit of moans and endless repeats of her name. They were both a million miles from earth, desperately trying to fill their lungs with oxygen, but never quite getting enough.</p><p>As soon as he regained control over his body, Conrad flipped them over so Nic was resting on top of him again. He brushed her hair away from her face and was the first to speak after what just happened, “Nic, holy shit… you–– you are amazing… simply amazing,” he whispered, kissing her forehead.</p><p>“Oh… my… God…” she replied. “Conrad… <em>damn</em>. That was… wow.”</p><p>“Wow,” he breathed again, pulling her tight into his arms.</p><p>“Mm,” she hummed in response, nuzzling herself into his embrace. “This was a perfect night. I am so glad my first time was with you.”</p><p>“Nic, <em>you</em> are perfect. I am so lucky to have you.”</p><p>Nic smiled into his chest, and closed her eyes, breathing deeply as she relaxed fully into him. He rubbed her shoulders as they both drifted asleep quickly, holding each other. They both couldn't get the look in each other's eyes out of their minds when they were <em>making love </em>(because whether they knew it or not, that's what they were doing), and that look would never be forgotten.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>PRESENT DAY</strong>
</p><p>They still held each other’s gaze, and as the seconds ticked by and their eyes still held each other’s, their bodies pulled closer to one another. She could feel his breath. He could feel her heart hammering against her chest. All of their fears seemed to start to vanish.</p><p>Until Conrad’s phone rang. <em>Damn</em>.</p><p>“Shit,” he muttered, tearing his gaze away from her as she dropped her arms from where they held him around his shoulders. They reestablished the distance between them. They rebuilt some of the walls they had just torn down.</p><p>He answered the phone, and Dr. Bell’s voice blared. “What happened?” Conrad asked, his voice laced with a hint of worry. “Oh, well,” he replied to Dr. Bell again after a few moments of listening, his voice now unreadable. “Okay. Does Mina know?” he asked. Another few seconds of silence. “Yes, I can tell her. Thanks,” he finished, hanging up. He lifted his gaze back up to meet Nic’s confused eyes.</p><p>“Everything okay?” she asked, staying in the same spot she was in, physically unable to move towards him again. <em>Maybe it was only her that was feeling that way</em>, she thought.</p><p>“The conference was moved up a week because of projected bad weather in New York. They’re supposed to get hit hard next week, right when everyone is supposed to fly in. They already contacted all of the keynotes and they can all still make it a week earlier. So, they just fast-tracked everything,” he began.</p><p>“Okay, well, when do we have to be there?” she asked again.</p><p>“Our flight leaves tomorrow morning.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. almost</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Here's the next chapter! Sorry this one's a little shorter :P I hope you still like it! I've really enjoyed writing this story, and I still have several more chapters planned ;)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“<em>What?</em>” she asked, her eyes wide. “<em>Tomorrow morning?</em>”</p><p>“Yeah, wow, I’m so sorry,” he replied.</p><p>“No, no, it’s not your fault at all,” she responded quickly, her feet carrying her towards him again. “We have to start packing. Like <em>now</em>.” Her eyes flicked back up to meet his. “Will you help me? Um, you know, pack?” she asked, innocently, sweetly.</p><p><em>Why the hell was she looking at him like that?</em> Her chocolate orbs sparkled beneath her long eyelashes as she tucked a piece of her still damp hair behind her ear. That small action made his heart clutch. How the hell was he supposed to remain composed when she was standing right in front of him, her long legs teasing him, her scent fresh and strong from her shower, her hair still wet, in her house, slowly lowering her walls. <em>Fuck</em>. He was totally in trouble. So much goddamn trouble.</p><p>“Conrad?” she repeated, blushing as she felt his heavy gaze on her.</p><p>“Yeah?” he breathed, “Oh, fuck, sorry. Yes, I can help,” he replied, stumbling over his words as he tore his gaze away from her so he could catch his breath. <em>How can just looking at someone have such a strong effect?</em></p><p>The way he was looking at her made her weak in the knees. She leaned forward onto the counter so she wouldn’t stumble into his arms or collapse onto the floor because she couldn’t take it. She doesn’t even know how she asked him to <em>stay</em> and help her pack. She doesn’t know <em>why</em> either. <em>She just felt like it</em>. Because she likes (<em>loves</em>) having him around. But when he simply traced his soft brown eyes across her body and along her face, she knew she was in trouble. So much goddamn trouble.</p><p>“So––” they both began at the same time, eliciting short, small laughs out of both of them.</p><p>“Well, I guess let’s start?” she asked, feeling her legs begin to shake as she set her half-finished cup of tea on the kitchen counter and started her way to her bedroom.</p><p>“Yeah, okay,” he replied, inhaling a deep breath before he set his completely finished cup down next to hers on the counter and followed her. “Hey, did you want me to grab your suitcase?” he asked just before she turned into her bedroom.</p><p>“Oh, um, sure, it’s––” she began, but Conrad turned to the hall closet and opened it, pulling out her suitcase before she could finish. “Right, you know,” she said quietly as he turned back around and handed her the suitcase.</p><p>“Nic, I haven’t forgotten <em>anything</em> about you,” he replied, his voice heavy again as he stopped himself from standing too close to her, creating an awkward amount of distance. But that was how far they needed to be so they wouldn’t just press their bodies against each other’s fully. Because God knows they couldn’t do <em>that</em>.</p><p>Nic’s breath caught in her throat at his words, and she just blinked at him, not knowing what to say or do. The only thing running through her brain was <em>kiss him, damnit</em>. But she just couldn’t handle being hurt again, and if she kissed him now, there was no going back. <em>She wasn’t ready</em>.</p><p>“Hey, you okay?” he asked, one of his hands on her cheek, tilting her face up so her eyes met his. <em>They didn’t do this</em>. <em>This was too close to what they used to have</em>. She needed to stop it. And stop it now.</p><p>“Uh, y-yes,” she stuttered, stepping away from his touch. She could see a flash of hurt in his eyes, but it was quickly replaced by a cloud of guilt. She instantly felt horrible for causing that reaction in him. <em>Was she really doing the right thing by pushing him away?</em> It was late. They were tired. They couldn’t do this now. “Hey,” she practically whispered. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean–– it’s just–– we don’t––” she tried to get the words out, but they just weren’t coming.</p><p>“It’s okay, I get it,” he said, his voice distant. “Let’s get you packed, yeah?” he asked as he walked past her into her room.</p><p>She squeezed her eyes shut and cursed at herself for this tension. Part of her just wanted to kiss him and get it the hell over with, but part of her was absolutely terrified that he would just return to being the same guy he was when they were together before. And as much as <em>she loved him</em> then, she was afraid that it would end again like it did once before.</p><p>She walked slowly into her room as she watched him grab a few items he knew she never could live or travel without––like her shampoo and conditioner, her favorite grey sweater, and one of her all-time favorite denim jackets. <em>He knew her so goddamn well </em>it scared the shit out of her. She leaned against the doorframe and just watched him for a minute. She took him in––his casual black jeans and red long-sleeve cotton tee, his sandy-brown hair which now was dry but still tousled, his agile fingers she loved so much, the way his muscles flexed as he folded the clothes he had already set out, and his gaze focused on the task he was doing. She knew it before, but she was certain now. <em>She was in love with Conrad Hawkins</em>.</p><p>“If you’re done staring, I would really like it if you came in here and helped,” he teased, flicking his gaze up to meet hers. She felt heat rush to her cheeks as she crossed her arms in front of her chest, rolling her eyes at his comment.</p><p>“You wish I was staring,” she teased back, walking into the room and opening one of her drawers to fetch a couple pairs of jeans and one pair of nice slacks for the conference.</p><p>“Yeah, I do,” he replied softly, causing her to immediately stop what she was doing. She turned slowly to face him as he tilted his head ever so slightly to the side and smiled sweetly at her.</p><p>She smiled back, still having no idea what to say, and she turned back around to close the drawer. She grabbed a few pairs of socks and some underwear, her hands now full balancing the clothes.</p><p>“Hey, could you open this last drawer and grab a couple t-shirts?” she asked as she walked over to where he placed her suitcase on her bed.</p><p>“You do know we’re going to New York in the winter, right?” he teased.</p><p>“Yes, silly, but I literally only sleep in t-shirts, <em>remember</em>?” she replied, rolling her eyes playfully again.</p><p>“Hm, yeah, but I seem to remember you <em>preferred</em> sleeping in<em> nothing</em>,” he added, his voice deep and low.</p><p>She inhaled sharply, her eyes going wide as she dropped the clothes she was holding into the suitcase haphazardly. “Conrad…” she warned.</p><p>“Just teasing, Nic,” he paused, his expression shifting from playful back to distant. “It’s what we do, right?” he said, somewhat remorsefully as he walked towards her dresser and pulled open the drawer. Like he knew that he <em>didn’t have a chance</em>. But he <em>did</em>. He <em>does. Shit</em>. What was she doing to him? <em>It’s what we do, right?</em> sounded a lot like <em>because you don’t want more </em>or <em>because you don’t feel the same way about me</em>. Both of which were completely <em>false</em>.</p><p>“Hey, I thought you said you wanted to give <em>all </em>my things back,” he said softly, breaking the silence.</p><p>“Hm?” she asked, re-folding the pants she had just dropped.</p><p>“You kept this?” he asked, his voice still soft, as he held up a t-shirt––<em>one of his t-shirts</em>.</p><p>“Um, I just––” she paused. “I <em>couldn’t</em> give it back,” she replied, her voice small. “I wanted––<em>needed</em>––to hold onto something––<em>anything</em>,” she added.</p><p>“Nic…” he began, his voice wavering. “I–– I never did this properly, but I am so sorry,” he practically whispered. She was about to speak, but he continued, stopping her before she said anything. “I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I’m so sorry for the way I acted. I’m so sorry I took you for granted. I’m so sorry I caused you so much pain. I didn’t deserve you when we were together last year, and I hate myself for both taking you for granted and hurting you so much. I promise you that I’ve been working hard to get better. Nic, you have always made me want to be a better person. You challenge me, you push me, you inspire me. You’re fucking incredible.” He paused, his eyes scanning over her as he inhaled deeply. He stepped towards her, cupping her cheeks in his hands. He ghosted his lips over her forehead, and her shaky hands slid up his chest. “And you deserve better,” he whispered onto her skin.</p><p>He stepped away, and she swore she could hear his heart breaking. “I should go,” he practically whispered, his sweet brown eyes misty. <em>You deserve better</em>, he said. <em>How goddamn wrong he was</em>.</p><p>She was frozen in place. Things had been so muddy and blurry, but he was going to walk away. But <em>she wanted this</em>. She wanted everything with him.</p><p>But it was too late.</p><p>By the time she made it to her front door, he was already out. She had no idea how long she just stood there in her bedroom. <em>You deserve better</em>. Completely frozen. <em>I should go. </em>Paralyzed by the thought that this was it for them. <em>You deserve better. </em>She couldn’t imagine her life without him. <em>I should go. </em>And she just let him go.</p><p>Love makes people do crazy things.</p><p>She threw open her front door, tears streaming down her face, and she looked out into the street. The snow was still falling hard. Too hard to drive. Too hard for her to make her way to his place and tell him all the things she wanted to say but was too afraid to. Because <em>actually </em>losing him? That was far worse than the <em>potential</em> of reliving the pain when they were together.</p><p>She cried. There was nothing else she <em>could </em>do. She slid down against her front door until she was sitting on her front porch. She was cold as hell, but that didn’t matter because she felt numb. She knew she was supposed to see him tomorrow, but it would be different. There used to be <em>hope</em>. That <em>chance</em> of being something more. But now? It’s gone. They’ll be <em>colleagues</em>. <em>Friends</em>. She never thought she’d be so thoroughly averse to that word. But with Conrad? She wanted more than friends. She <em>needed</em> more.</p><p>And she <em>made</em> him leave. Because she was <em>too afraid</em>.</p><p>Because <em>she</em> took <em>him</em> for granted, too.</p><p>Watching him walk out of her house just now had her feeling emptier than she did when she walked out of that bar the day she left him. She let her tears soak her sweater as the cold soaked her heart. She called him once, but he didn’t pick up. She figured he was probably asleep already. She <em>knew</em> how much he valued his sleep when he had the opportunity to get it. <em>She</em> <em>fucking knows him</em>.</p><p>A few more minutes, and a lot more tears later, she gathered herself and went back inside. She cleaned up both of their cups that they left on the kitchen counter. The last remnants of their night. The last remnants of their <em>almost</em>. His cup <em>empty</em>. Hers still <em>half full</em>. He gave <em>everything </em>to her. And she held back. She poured hers down the sink. It would be no good. It was cold and bitter. <em>Fuck.</em></p><p>She finished packing, and as she closed her suitcase and placed it next to her bed, she took off her damp sweater and replaced it with <em>his</em> t-shirt. She curled up in bed, wishing she could hold on to all their <em>almosts</em> and make them <em>forevers</em>.</p><p>He changed. He changed <em>for her</em>. And she was too damn afraid to believe it. <em>He did the work. He got the help. He was ready for her.</em> And she was too afraid.</p><p>And now she was too late.</p><p>She set her alarm for 5AM so she could catch the train and avoid having to drive in the snow. She knew Conrad would do the same, so she could possibly see him in the morning. <em>She desperately wanted to see him in the morning</em>. Before they had to just be <em>colleagues</em>. <em>Friends</em>.</p><p><em>Before she lost him for good</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. welcome to New York</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Here we go! CoNic in New York City!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She didn’t sleep a wink that night. She was up, thinking. About <em>everything</em>. How it all went to shit. How they spent this past year dancing around <em>everything</em>. How they never <em>really</em> actually talked about <em>anything</em>. How she has still never once said that <em>she’s had a miscarriage</em>. How they never discussed the fact that they were going to <em>have a baby</em> together. How they were planning their futures––their <em>lives</em>––together. How much pain they’ve <em>both</em> been in. And she wished she could do this night over. She would have told him when she had the chance. She would have held him and never ever fucking let go. The feeling of watching someone you love walk out the door because they’re <em>tired</em> of fighting for something <em>you </em>made clear wasn’t attainable? It hurts. It <em>really </em>fucking hurts. And her heart was <em>stinging</em> all night long as the thoughts raced in her mind.</p><p>He didn’t sleep a wink that night. He, too, was up, thinking. About <em>everything</em>. Where it all went wrong. How <em>he</em> fucked everything up. How <em>he</em> should have treated her better. How he should have gotten help earlier. Because that feeling when the love of your life doesn’t feel the same about you because of what <em>you </em>did? It hurts. It <em>really</em> fucking hurts. And his heart was <em>stinging</em> all night long as the thoughts raced in his mind.</p><p>5AM came far too quickly, and before she could properly complain about getting absolutely no sleep, she was up and getting ready. She had a task. She needed to make the train to the airport, and she needed to see Conrad before they got on that damn plane. She grabbed her suitcase, brushed her teeth, poured herself a large to-go cup of coffee, tied her hair up, put on a sweater, a pair of jeans, her boots, her black longline winter coat, and a pair of black gloves, and she rushed out her front door. The snow was thick and fresh on the ground, but it wasn’t currently actively snowing, making her walk to the train station far more pleasant than she had initially anticipated. Dragging her suitcase through the snow for a couple blocks, she finally made it to the station, just a couple minutes before the 5:40AM train was scheduled to arrive.</p><p>5:15AM came far too quickly, and before he could properly complain about getting absolutely no sleep, he saw a missed call from Nic. <em>Shit</em>, he thought. <em>Again, he wasn’t there for her</em>. He was kicking himself all morning, and as he stumbled out his apartment door, maneuvering his suitcase down the thin stairwell, his mind went back to their conversation in her room. He didn’t want to keep burdening her with his feelings if she didn’t want to reciprocate. He <em>wasn’t </em>that guy anymore. He <em>cares</em> about her. And because he cares, he has to finally <em>let her go</em>. He can’t keep holding her back, bringing her to the same place of pain over and over again. He trudged through the thick, fresh snow in his dark jeans, puffy jacket, and the gloves he forgot to wear last night. He arrived at his stop, just a couple minutes before the 5:50AM scheduled arrival.</p><p>She stood on the train, watching the city flash by through the windows, and all she wanted was to lean up against him as he told some ridiculous story of one of his reckless adventures in any given part of the city. He <em>always</em> had something to connect to anything they were doing. She would never tire of his stories. She thinks it was partly the fact that he was actually a pretty good storyteller, and the other (possibly larger) part being that she absolutely <em>loved</em> his voice. Sometimes, he’d be talking about <em>God knows what</em>, and she’d just sit there. <em>Listening</em>, endlessly. Because it simply enchanted her. She couldn’t get enough.</p><p>He stepped onto the train, headphones in and head bowed down. He felt like absolute shit. He should have just kept it together for <em>one more goddamn week</em> because now it was going to be awkward, painful, and <em>he would ruin another thing for her. </em>He <em>knew</em> how goddamn excited she was for this conference, and he just <em>had</em> to go and do shit that would make her upset.</p><p>The train was at his stop, and she knew it. She searched her entire car as the train began to move, but she didn’t see him. She pushed the doors between cars open and stepped into the next car. And the next. She was starting to lose hope as she pushed through the final set of doors into the last car. <em>Maybe she doesn’t know him as well as she thought she did</em>.</p><p>But all of her doubts were quickly replaced with a sensation of a flurry of goosebumps. <em>He was here</em>.</p><p>Her eyes flicked across everyone in the train until they settled on a figure leaning against the side of the railing, a dark blue suitcase propped against his leg. <em>He was here</em>. Her heart raced as she walked towards him, pushing her suitcase across the narrow isle.</p><p>“Oh, so sorry, pardon me,” she said softly as she accidentally bumped into other passengers.</p><p><em>That voice</em>. It was Nic. He lifted his head and pulled his headphones out of his ears. He turned around and met her eyes with his. <em>Her goddamn perfect chocolate orbs</em>. She didn’t have on any makeup, her hair was definitely not brushed, and her puffy coat hid her figure, but <em>she was fucking perfect</em>. He loved every single thing about her, and he couldn’t help his heart hammering hard against his chest. <em>She was coming towards him</em>, and he was frozen. <em>He couldn’t believe it</em>. But he also couldn’t get his hopes up.</p><p>She stepped close enough that there was barely any space between them, but not close enough for him to be sure of what she wanted.</p><p>“Conrad, I’m sorry,” she whispered, her eyes glassy. <em>She didn’t get much sleep last night</em>, he thought, <em>and it’s my goddamn fault</em>.</p><p>“Nic, you have nothing to apologize for. <em>I </em>should be the one apologizing,” he replied, his voice tired and hollow. He always looked <em>good</em>, but she could tell that he was exhausted. <em>So much for going home and getting a good amount of sleep</em>, she thought, <em>and it’s my goddamn fault</em>.</p><p>“We keep doing this,” she began, “the endless circles of apologies. I wish we could just get back to where we were.”</p><p>
  <em>Did she mean where they ‘were’ were? Or just where they were last week? Where they were a year and a half ago? When he knew he fell in love with her. Or when they ran into each other in the hallway? Or when he was over at her house? When they nearly turned their almosts into reality, but she didn’t want to and he was only hurting her. </em>
</p><p>He didn’t know what <em>where we were</em> meant, but anything sure as hell would be better than what they <em>were</em> right now. <em>It was selfish,</em> he thought, <em>but he needed her</em>. So, he said the only thing that made sense. The only thing he knew was vague enough to not cause any more pain but not too vague to not give her an answer, “<em>me too, Nic,</em>” he said softly.</p><p>“Are we okay?” she asked, her eyes worried, tired, <em>broken</em>.</p><p>He <em>hated</em> seeing her like this. But she was hurting because <em>he wasn’t in her life the way she wanted him to be</em>. And that gave him hope. That made him pull her into his embrace and settle his face between her shoulder and the side of her head. That made him hold onto her a little longer before he whispered, “yes. I’m okay if you’re okay.”</p><p>She melted into his arms. And she finally realized it. <em>He felt like home</em>. And if <em>this</em>, whatever the hell <em>this</em> was, was how he was going to be in her life––<em>almost something––</em>she’d fucking take it. <em>She knows she wants more</em>. But she’d take <em>okay</em> for now. <em>Okay</em> is <em>good</em>.</p><p>The rest of the train ride was spent in comfortable conversation, exchanging silly stories and funny jokes as if there had been nothing wrong in the first place. They met up with Mina at the airport, and after a couple minor delays because of the weather, they all made it to New York City. The snow there wasn’t quite bad, but it was definitely there. The city was coated in a white blanket, making everything seem newer. <em>Fresher</em>. They knew there was an ominous storm coming, but for now, they were enjoying the magic that came with New York snow.</p><p>Nic had never been to New York, and Conrad had never seen her so starstruck by a city before. Sure, she was more of a nature, middle-of-the-woods-with-no-cell-service kind of girl, but she really did love the hustle and bustle of the city, too. Her eyes glided from building to building, taking everything in as quickly as she possibly could as they walked down the street to the cluster of hotels the conference was renting out.</p><p>She was giddy. She and Conrad were <em>okay</em>. She was going to attend this important conference. And she got to spend a week in New York (<em>with him</em>). Everything was pretty much perfect.</p><p>But clearly, as soon as the thought <em>everything was pretty much perfect</em> forms in her brain, Conrad paused, eliciting a groan from Mina.</p><p>“What now, Conrad?” Mina asked, just a little cranky that she was cold and that they were <em>walking</em> to their hotel through the snow.</p><p>“Bell just texted,” he replied, his eyes flashing to Mina’s before settling on Nic.</p><p>“Well, what did he say?” Mina asked, stepping towards him to look at his phone.</p><p>“We got our hotel room reservations,” Conrad added, handing Mina his phone.</p><p>“There’s only two,” she remarked.</p><p>“Only two?” Nic echoed, stepping between her and Conrad, fitting her face between their shoulders <em>and leaning into him just a little</em>. “But there’s three of us,” she added, furrowing her brow in confusion.</p><p>Mina’s eyes drifted to Nic, and she raised her eyebrow in her classic I-am-not-going-to-dignify-that-comment-with-a-response look. Nic giggled before thinking again about their <em>predicament</em>. She’d obviously room with Mina because, <em>well</em>, it’s <em>obvious</em>.</p><p>But clearly not obvious to everyone.</p><p>“So, you and Conrad are sharing a room,” Mina stated.</p><p>“Uhm–– wait––” Conrad and Nic stumbled together, their panic in their expressions not hidden in the least.</p><p>“I have a <em>ritual</em> at these things,” Mina interrupted, met with Conrad and Nic’s confused stares. “I have a <em>reputation </em>to uphold. And trust me, you don’t want to know what it is.”</p><p>“Mina––” Nic began, practically pleading. <em>She and Conrad were just getting back onto good terms</em>. It was <em>literally</em> that morning. She couldn’t handle this level of emotional whiplash, and it wasn’t fair to Conrad either.</p><p>“Nic, come here,” Mina said as she pulled Nic aside for a moment, eliciting an even more confused look from Conrad. They stepped a few paces in front of him, just so he was out of immediate earshot, and Mina leaned in to whisper in Nic’s ear. “I have a fuck tally with one of my resident friends I met in med school. We started it at the first medical conference we went to, and now it’s just become a thing. I can’t let her win, and I’ve got to have a little fun. Besides, it’s not like you and Conrad haven’t slept together either. And given the way you two have been looking at each other all day, I wouldn’t be surprised if you finally found your goddamn way back together by the end of this conference.”</p><p>“Mina, first of all, Conrad and I are <em>not</em> getting back together. We don’t want to be together that way,” Nic began (<em>liar,</em> she thought), “and second, a fuck tally? Really?” she said as she quirked her eyebrow up.</p><p>“Oh honey, don’t knock it until you try it,” Mina joked, causing Nic’s eyes to widen and her to erupt into a fit of giggles.</p><p>Conrad watched the two interact and he felt a flurry of butterflies in the pit of his stomach. Her laugh<em> did things </em>to him. If that were the last sound he heard before spontaneously never being able to hear anything again, he would still be the happiest man on this earth. <em>He was going to be in so much goddamn trouble if he had to share a room with Nic</em>.</p><p>“I think I’ll pass,” Nic said through her giggles as she and Mina made their way back over to where Conrad was standing.</p><p>“You girls good?” he asked, looking between Mina and Nic, trying to read what had just happened.</p><p>“Yep! Enjoy your roommate, Conrad,” Mina winked as Conrad and Nic rolled their eyes. “As much as I’d want to <em>stand out here and freeze</em>, I have to head off to an early dinner with Dr. Austin. I’ll catch you guys either tonight or tomorrow morning,” she added as she slipped away.</p><p>“Hey, are you just going to leave your suitcase here?” Conrad asked as she turned around to face them.</p><p>“No, you’re going to take it to my room,” Mina replied, raising her eyebrows and chuckling. “See you!” And she was gone.</p><p>“We just got so played,” Nic giggled, noticing Conrad’s stunned expression.</p><p>“By Mina Okafor,” he added, matching her laugh with his own. <em>This felt so good</em>. Laughing together. How much they missed this.</p><p>“You know, I do agree with her on a couple things,” Nic added.</p><p>“What’s that?” he asked.</p><p>“First, we need to get inside. I can’t feel my toes,” she said with another giggle. <em>God, she was giggly right now</em>. “And second, <em>you’re</em> taking her bag,” she added, stepping away from the bag so he would be the one closest to it.</p><p>“<em>You’re something else, you know?</em>” he said with a sparkle in his eyes. Nic’s heart fluttered at his words, and she was at a loss for her own. She smiled and blushed like a little schoolgirl whose crush just noticed her for the first time. “Let’s get you inside before you turn into a <em>Nic-sicle</em>,” he added, grabbing Mina’s bag and his own and gesturing down the street to where he could see the hotel.</p><p>“<em>Nic-sicle?</em>” she repeated, attempting to stifle her laughter but failing <em>miserably</em>.</p><p>“Hey, I thought it was pretty good,” he replied, bumping her shoulder with his as they started walking. <em>If he wasn’t carrying two suitcases, she would have wanted to interlace their fingers or maybe just link at the elbows</em>.</p><p>“You’re funny,” she giggled.</p><p>“You’re cute,” he replied, almost immediately. <em>Ah, fuck</em>. Right as they were getting back to <em>normal</em>, he had to go and say that. He looked to her, expecting to see discomfort, worry, or worse… <em>guilt</em>. But he saw none of those things.</p><p>She looked towards him, her expression soft and calm. “You, too,” she added. “Now, hurry up. I’m freezing!” she said as she picked up the pace.</p><p>He smiled ten miles wide as he followed her. <em>God, he’d follow her to the ends of the earth</em>. They settled into their hotel room, and <em>it felt so easy</em>. They knew how each other worked, and even as they were putting their clothes away, everything seemed to just <em>fit</em>. They ordered takeout from a Mexican place––not as good as <em>their place</em>, Trina’s Taqueria back in Atlanta––and it was just like before. When there were no pressures. No tensions. <em>No looming pain or fear for their unborn child who they never got to meet</em>. It was just Nic and Conrad. <em>And they fucking loved it</em>.</p><p>He noticed she was yawning quite a bit, and he could feel his eyelids getting heavy. “Hey, do you want to go and get ready for bed? You didn’t sleep well last night, and I wouldn’t want you to wake up tomorrow tired,” he said softly, <em>so damn softly</em>.</p><p>She was tired. She’d been awake for the better part of last night, and she was already exhausted from her 12-hour shift earlier that day. <em>And he knew, and he cared</em>. She smiled at him, <em>softly</em>, and nodded. “Yeah, you’re right, I am pretty tired. But <em>I also</em> <em>know</em> you didn’t get good sleep last night either. So, you can have the bed, and I can sleep here on the floor,” she replied, her voice soft, too.</p><p>“Oh, Nic, don’t be ridiculous, you should sleep in the bed. I’m perfectly fine sleeping on the floor,” he replied, furrowing his brow because he was baffled by how generous she was––<em>is</em>.</p><p>“But––” she began before stopping herself. <em>This was another one of those moments when her brain hadn’t yet caught up with her heart, </em>and she just acted how she <em>wanted</em> to. “You know what? We can share.”</p><p>His eyes widened. “You sure?” he asked, his voice caught between hope and excitement and grave seriousness. <em>He wanted her to be absolutely sure</em>.</p><p>“Yes, Conrad, it’s not like we haven’t done it before,” she said, quickly sensing the alarm on both of their faces. “I–– uh, didn’t mean–– you know,” she stumbled.</p><p>“Of course, I get it,” he replied, trying to reassure her, not wanting her to feel any sort of pressure. Obviously, he would have just wanted to scoop her up and hold her in his arms and never let go. <em>But he couldn’t</em>.</p><p>She nodded, glancing over towards the bathroom, and Conrad stepped aside, letting her go. She stepped into the bathroom, closing the door, and she released the breath she was holding. <em>This was going to be harder than she thought.</em></p><p>She finished up quickly, her exhaustion taking over, and she stepped out of the shower, drying off her hair before slipping on the one t-shirt she brought with, not knowing that <em>he</em> was going to be sleeping next to her––<em>his t-shirt</em>––and pulling on a pair of shorts. Their hotel room was warm––<em>or was it just that things were hot between them</em>––so she didn’t need the sweatpants she brought with. She opened the door, her hair still damp, and stepped out of the bathroom so Conrad could get ready for bed.</p><p>She rounded the corner and <em>fuck</em> he was instantly staring. He cleared his throat and smiled at her, trying to keep his eyes level with hers so they wouldn’t trace every inch of her creamy porcelain skin. She shifted her weight onto one of her long legs as he looked at her, smiling back at him.</p><p>“You brought my shirt,” he commented, stepping closer to her.</p><p>“I didn’t think I would be sleeping in the same room with you,” she replied, feeling her cheeks blushing knowing that he noticed.</p><p>“Neither did I,” he began, his eyes settling with hers. <em>That felt right</em>. “But you still brought <em>my</em> shirt,” he repeated, dangerously close to her face.</p><p>“Oh, get over yourself,” she teased, “I didn’t have any others to bring with––it was time for me to do laundry.” <em>Liar</em>.</p><p>“Mm, whatever you need to tell yourself,” he teased back, knowing full well she was lying. <em>She brought that shirt because it reminded her of him, and she wanted him to be close to her</em>. He smirked before stepping around her and disappearing into the bathroom. <em>This really was going to be harder than she thought</em>.</p><p>After a few short minutes––definitely not long enough for Nic to compose herself––he stepped out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but a pair of dark boxers, his hair wet and spikey, sticking up this way and that, his skin glistening with wetness and <em>heat</em>. She felt her stomach clench and color rise to her cheeks. <em>There was no way in hell she was going to make it through this week alive</em>. She was staring. And she <em>knew</em> it. But she simply couldn’t stop.</p><p>There was a moment where time stood still.</p><p>All the air was sucked from their lungs as they took each other in.</p><p><em>Fuck</em>.</p><p>“Hey,” she whispered, sitting on the edge of the bed.</p><p>“Hey,” he replied, sitting down on the opposite end. “You sure you’re okay with this?” he asked once again, <em>just to be sure</em>.</p><p>“I’m sure, Conrad,” she giggled softly. <em>Shit</em>. “Come on, let’s get some sleep. And if you wake me up early tomorrow, I will actually throw punches,” she added, slipping under the sheets.</p><p>“Oh, I know. You always hated the mornings,” he began, his mind flitting back to a time when things were simpler and she woke up with him almost every day, “don’t worry about it. I’ll definitely be sleeping in tomorrow.”</p><p>“Good,” she breathed, her mind in the same place as his, snuggling more under the covers as he slid underneath them next. “And stay on your side, mister. Don’t get any <em>funny ideas</em>.”</p><p>“Mm,” he hummed, turning over so he was facing her. “Goodnight, Nic,” he whispered.</p><p>“Goodnight, Conrad,” she replied.</p><p>Silence fell over the room, and their breaths synced up as they were both lulled by the peaceful rhythm. <em>It felt so right</em>. <em>Everything about this should feel wrong, but it just feels so goddamn right</em>.</p><p>She was tired, but she also couldn’t seem to fall asleep with <em>him</em> so close. He was <em>so painfully close</em>. She could easily just reach out and touch him. All her walls would crumble down right in front of her, and she would <em>finally </em>have what she wanted. <em>But it was wrong. </em>Because <em>if something went wrong, she was sure she’d lose him forever</em>. And she couldn’t take that big of a <em>risk</em>.</p><p>But somewhere in the night, sleep found them. And they found each other. When they woke to the light streaming into the room through the light curtains, their arms were draped over each other, her head resting on his shoulder, and their legs intertwined. <em>The way they used to wake up</em>.</p><p>She was awake, but she didn’t move. <em>She wanted to stay just like that for as long as she possibly could</em>.</p><p>He was also awake, but he didn’t move. <em>He wanted to stay just like that for as long as he possibly could</em>.</p><p>She realized he was awake when she brushed her foot along his leg and a low rumble buzzed out from his chest.</p><p>“Good morning, miss ‘stay-on-your-side-of-the-bed,’” he chuckled, his voice low and gravelly and <em>sexy</em>.</p><p>“Mm, good morning,” she replied, her voice also thick and low. <em>And sexy</em>. “And hey, it wasn’t just me,” she giggled, sitting up slightly and gesturing to his arm that was underneath her body.</p><p>He chuckled again, the sheet pooling lower on his hips as he sat up, his abs flexing. Her eyes slipped down his body as she untangled herself from him, and a rush of heat pooled low in her stomach as flashes of color spread across her cheeks and neck. <em>She wanted him so bad right then</em>.</p><p>“I’m glad we both got a chance to sleep. We really needed it, given that it’s 11:30AM right now and we <em>just woke up</em>,” he added, shifting on the bed so he was more angled towards her. The morning light against her back making her look like an actual angel. Even if her hair was a mess and her eyes were a little puffy from just having woken up, <em>she was still so fucking gorgeous.</em></p><p>“Oh my God! We slept for thirteen hours?” she asked, completely shocked.</p><p>“Yeah, I guess we did,” he replied, a low chuckle escaping him again. <em>He was seriously going to need to stop doing that if she was going to make it through this trip alive</em>. “You okay?” he asked, sensing her body tense as she pressed her thighs together to try and alleviate some of the pressure that was building there.</p><p>“Hm? Oh yes, I am great, Conrad,” she said breathlessly.</p><p>She watched him swallow hard, and just knowing that she was affecting him as much as he was affecting her made her entire body tingly. She felt that their <em>almost</em> was barreling closer and closer to a <em>reality</em>. And it was scary. It was fucking <em>terrifying</em>. But it felt right. <em>Good</em>. Much better than <em>okay</em>.</p><p>And she was looking forward to the rest of the week. <em>She was so damn happy</em>. And so was he.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. three words</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Thanks everyone so much for all the support for this story! I have really loved writing it :)</p><p>Buckle up buttercups! This chapter has been one of my all-time favorites to write. I hope you enjoy!</p>
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    <p>
  <strong>TWO DAYS LATER, DAY 1 OF THE CONFERENCE</strong>
</p><p>She had expected things to be awkward, but they weren’t. They felt <em>good</em>. She was <em>happy</em>. Waking up in his arms these past two days had felt incredible. She had no idea how much she truly missed everything about him. <em>But there was still something holding them back</em>.</p><p>
  <em>They hadn’t talked about, well, anything.</em>
</p><p>But they were getting there. And they liked that they were getting there.</p><p>That morning, somewhere between the hours of 4 and 5AM, Nic stirred, expecting to find him next to her, but all she found was empty sheets. She sat up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes as she focused on a figure near the far corner of the room. It was Conrad, for sure. <em>That was definitely his body</em>. And he was working out, trying his best to be as quiet as possible. She sat up straighter, and although she was completely drooling over his physical body, she missed their <em>connection</em> more. Even though it had been only two days, waking up together and the emotional closeness he was allowing her made her realize how <em>fucking much she needs him</em>.</p><p>He chuckled, deeply, from the corner of the room. “Like what you see?” he teased. She was <em>ecstatic</em> that he was doing that again. She missed their playful little banter. <em>Goddamn</em> how much she missed it.</p><p>“<em>God,</em> yes,” she breathed before her brain told her not to. She was hardly awake, and her mouth made the words before her brain could catch up. And before she knew it, they were out. <em>They didn’t do this.</em> They stuck to the playful <em>almost</em>. They were pushing that line, yes, but this felt <em>different</em>. But maybe it was time to give that <em>almost </em>up and try for the<em> real </em>thing. <em>Everything</em>.</p><p>“What?” he asked, confused by her admission, but wanting to know what direction this is going. Getting a little glimpse into her honesty in her feelings made him want to dive in further and explore all of them. The good, the bad, the ugly. <em>Everything</em>.</p><p>“I mean… I- uhh…” she stuttered, crossing her legs as she rubbed her eyes again.</p><p>“Nic?” he said gently as he walked over and sat on the edge of the bed.</p><p>“Conrad, what are we doing?” she asked, her voice <em>exhausted.</em></p><p>“What do you mean?” he asked, wanting to be sure that she was talking about <em>this</em>. <em>Them.</em></p><p>“You know what I mean,” she stated, bringing one of her legs up bent and resting her chin on it.</p><p>“Nic––” he began again before she interrupted.</p><p>“What are we doing? We flirt, we leave each other stupid notes, we have <em>this</em> effect on each other,” she said, gesturing between the two of them. “Conrad, <em>we were going to have a fucking baby together. </em>And now we treat each other like <em>that didn’t happen</em>. <em>We’re pretending we’re normal friends and colleagues but we’re not. </em>So, what <em>the hell</em> are we doing?” she asked again, her voice beginning to raise. <em>She brought it up</em>. Now it was time to see if he had <em>really</em> changed. If he was <em>ready</em> to be with her the way they both wanted to.</p><p><em>But possibly not. She was met with silence. Silence</em>. It was fucking deafening.</p><p>He was processing. <em>This was real</em>. They were talking about <em>them</em>. And there’s so much <em>everything</em>, it’s difficult to put everything into place. Neither of them had dealt with <em>any of it</em>, so it was going to be a hot fucking disaster before it got any better. But he knew <em>this </em>was worth the risk. <em>He knew she was worth it</em>.</p><p>“I can’t––” he started before her voice cut in. It had already been too long where neither spoke. <em>She couldn’t take it.</em></p><p>“I knew it. Just when things start to get below the surface, you run,” she said with a bite in her tone. She was frustrated. She didn’t know what she wanted him to say, but <em>I can’t</em> was certainly not it. She knew she was being irrational, but <em>this </em>whole <em>everything</em> was far beyond any sense of rationality and reason. <em>There is too much emotion in everything to be rational</em>.</p><p>“<em>I</em> run?” he started, raising his voice a little, too. <em>How could she not fucking get that he couldn’t run anymore if his life depended on it</em>. “What about <em>you</em> running this whole trip? This whole year?” he added, throwing his arms up into the air. He knew he was being irrational, but <em>there is too much emotion in everything to be rational</em>.</p><p>“I can’t believe you,” she hissed, sitting up on her knees. “<em>You pushed me away when all I wanted was to run into your arms!</em> Conrad, <em>I lost the baby</em>. I had a goddamn <em>miscarriage</em>! But I never once thought I would lose <em>you</em>!”</p><p>“Nic––” he started before she once again interrupted.</p><p>“No,” she said firmly. “I have never once said that out loud, and you needed to fucking hear it. <em>I still feel so broken,</em> Conrad. And you’re the only person on this whole goddamn earth that <em>gets it</em>. Because <em>you</em> lost something that day, too.” <em>This was it. </em>She paused and collected her breath. She felt like the room was running out of oxygen as his eyes fell heavy on her. He was pouring everything into her. And her next words were <em>deciding their fate</em>. <em>Their future</em>. “So, no. You’re not running this time. I can’t let you,” she whispered, her voice thick with emotion.</p><p>“Nic––” he began, his voice lowering.</p><p>“<em>Conrad,</em>” she interrupted sharply, “don’t you <em>dare––</em>”</p><p>“Goddamnit, Nic! Will you let me <em>speak</em>?” he exclaimed, his voice a mix of longing, desire, and a year’s worth of needing to say this out loud.</p><p>She was silent. <em>He actually wanted to communicate.</em> She was both thrilled and terrified. <em>What if he doesn’t want her the same way she wants him? What if he doesn’t need her anymore?</em></p><p>He inhaled a deep breath and blew it out slowly, something she knew composed him before he performed a difficult or risky procedure in medicine. But apparently, it worked outside of the hospital, too. <em>She had never seen him do that before with her</em>. “<em>I can’t lose you. </em>Nic, I’m afraid,” he started, his voice small and barely above a whisper.</p><p>“Afraid of what?” she asked, her voice small and shaky, too.</p><p>“Of,” he began as he gestured between them, “<em>this</em>. This––<em>you</em>––are the most important person in my life. <em>I can’t lose you</em>,” he repeated.</p><p>“<em>What makes you think I’d let you?</em>” she challenged, sliding ever so slightly closer to him.</p><p>“Nic, I <em>need</em> you,” he whispered.</p><p>“<em>Need me how?</em>” she asked, leaning closer again, their breaths mixing.</p><p>“Nicolette Nevin,” <em>God,</em> she would never tire of him saying her full name like that, “I should have told you this sooner––so much sooner––but <em>Nic, the miscarriage was not your fault</em>. <em>These things, they just happen, and nobody knows why</em>. You don’t deserve to carry that burden around with you forever, because <em>it’s not your fault</em>.” He took her hand in his. <em>They didn’t do this</em>. But they were doing it now.</p><p>“But <em>goddamnit</em> Nic, <em>I am so fucking tired of running</em>. I’ve been afraid of admitting the feelings that I had, <em>have</em>, and always will have for you. Because there’s just no other way to put it. <em>I love you</em>, Nic. And I couldn’t tell you a year ago because I didn’t know that what I was feeling was love and because I wasn’t strong enough to love you properly,” he took another breath, her face holding an expression of complete and utter shock.</p><p>“I only knew hurt and pain, so that’s what I did. I hurt you and caused you pain. <em>Because even though I may have taken an oath to do no harm in medicine,”</em> he began again, “<em>in here,</em>” he brought his hand to his heart, “<em>and here</em>,” he grazed his fingers along her cheek, “<em>pain is what I did best</em>.”</p><p>She felt a tear escape her eyes. <em>She was completely speechless</em>. So, he continued. “And <em>I am so sorry</em>. But, Nic, I’m not that guy anymore. I’m here. And I’m in. I’m all in. I can’t see a future without you in it. That’s how I<em> need </em>you. <em>You make me want to be a better person</em>. You are my<em> everything</em>,” he paused again, his breath shaky as she still sat there, <em>frozen</em>.</p><p>Her heart was racing. <em>He was doing it</em>. He was telling her how he was feeling. <em>He was letting her in</em>. <em>He loves her</em>, just like <em>she loves him. </em>And <em>holy fucking shit</em> it felt <em>so good</em>. It felt <em>right</em>. So, she finally opened up that Pandora’s box and let her heart lead.</p><p>“And I don’t expect you to––” he began again before she interrupted him.</p><p>That was all it took for her to close the distance they had never once discussed or challenged since they broke up. When their lips finally met, it tasted like goddamn <em>forever</em>. Her salty tears mixed with his on both of their cheeks tasted like the first step into something new and wonderful. She pressed as much of her body against his as possible, gathering his hair between her fingers as she tugged him <em>even closer</em>. It was <em>one kiss</em>, but it left both of them completely breathless.</p><p>“Are you sure?” he asked through his breath, taking her back to their first time. He slid his hands up her arms as she pressed her forehead to his. <em>God, </em>how long they’d been wanting to do that.</p><p>“<em>I have never been so sure of anything in my life before</em>,” she replied.</p><p>And that was all he needed to capture her lips with his again. “I missed you,” he whispered between her lips.</p><p>“I missed you, too,” she replied as she ghosted her lips along his jaw.</p><p>“I don’t want to fuck this up this time. <em>I can’t let you go again</em>,” he said in a low voice, directing her head away from his for a brief moment so he could look into her eyes and <em>show</em> her how much she means to him. “Nic, I’ve been seeing a therapist for my PTSD. <em>You have helped me in more ways than I could possibly explain</em>. The Conrad you knew from a year ago would not have even considered <em>getting help</em>. And I’ve actually made pretty good progress. There’s still a lot I have to work on––”</p><p>“––and I want to be there <em>every step of the way</em>,” she interrupted. “Conrad, you’re not alone in this. <em>I am so proud of you</em>,” she added, feeling more hot tears slip down her cheeks. He found one of her hands with his, feeling the ring he gave her on her finger, and he couldn’t help the tears that escaped his eyes, too.</p><p>“Nic, I want to do this right,” he whispered as he swiped his thumbs across her cheeks and caught her tears, and she sniffled as she ran her shaky hands down his chest. “I want to tell you <em>everything</em>. I don’t want to hide or be afraid because <em>fuck</em>, this last year as been <em>hell without you</em>.”</p><p>She smiled, new tears dripping from her eyes as she reached up to hold his cheeks in her hands. She pulled one of her hands away––the one with the ring––and gazed at it. “Why don’t you start with this?” she asked, her breath and voice as shaky as her hands.</p><p>“<em>This?</em>” he asked, holding her hand and sliding his thumb over the red stone on her ring. She nodded as he inhaled a deep breath. “My mother gave it to me,” he began, “right before I left for Afghanistan.” He held Nic’s delicate hand in both of his as he traced the outline of the ring that fit so perfectly on her finger. He didn’t even realize that he was crying until he felt her hand slip out of his as she leaned into him again and softly caressed his tear-stained cheeks.</p><p>“Conrad––” she breathed as she began kissing away the tears down his cheeks, hers now running down off her chin and jaw. <em>“This was your mother’s ring?”</em> she asked in disbelief as she pulled away.</p><p>“<em>She said, ‘give it to the love of your life,</em>’” he whispered.</p><p>Nic’s tears were now falling quickly. <em>She said, ‘give it to the love of your life.’</em> She looked back up into his eyes and crashed her lips back onto his, breaking it and pulling slightly away only for brief moments so she could catch her breath as she continued crying. He held her with so much love, and she couldn’t imagine her life feeling more whole, more complete, than it did in that moment. <em>They were finally where they were supposed to be</em>.</p><p>“Nic, <em>you’re it</em>,” he breathed, his lips still on hers.</p><p>She whimpered, tilting her chin up so she could look at him again. She was at war with herself about whether she needed to kiss him or just look at him, so she just kept going back and forth. “<em>I love you, Conrad</em>,” she replied, her breath shuddering as she wiped the tears from her face.</p><p>“<em>I love you, Nic,</em>” he whispered, grazing his fingers along her hairline, tucking the loose strands back behind her ears so he could see all of her. “<em>God</em>, I love you so much,” he added, pulling her into his embrace as she buried her face in the crook of his neck.</p><p>She gathered her breath as her tears slowed, and she opened her eyes and felt his warmth enveloping her. <em>And goddamnit, there was nowhere else in the entire universe she’d rather be than right here</em>. There was so much she wanted to know. So many questions she needed answers to. But one particular question was burning at the tip of her tongue. “When did you know?” she whispered into his neck.</p><p>“Hm?” he hummed, holding the base of her neck as he stroked his fingers through her hair slowly.</p><p>“When did you know that you were in love with me?” she asked, pulling her face away from his body so she could look at him. <em>She loves just looking at him</em>. Especially now that he is not hiding the way <em>he looks at her</em>.</p><p>He smiled softly, almost sheepishly, and she adored it. <em>He was being so vulnerable</em>. He was finally letting her see all the parts of him she so desperately wanted to see a year ago. “I was in my first session, three days after we broke up, and my therapist asked me what brought me there. I answered simply, ‘<em>Nic</em>,’ so naturally. He started asking me questions about you, and I remember the moment when it all clicked for me. I was telling him that I felt like I was drowning. Like I couldn’t <em>breathe</em>. Every little thing reminded me of you. And I realized I had taken so much of all that you gave for granted. <em>Nic, you give so much</em>. And I am a <em>goddamn fool</em> for never showing you the respect and appreciation you deserved. It was right then that I realized that I had been in love with you for a while, and when I thought about it, the turning point for me wasn’t anything grandiose. <em>It was the normalcy of everything we did together that, when added up, is more meaningful than anything flashy or big. </em>It was one morning, just like yesterday, when I woke up and <em>you were just there</em>. So trusting. So open with your heart. Laying there in my arms, your legs tangled with mine, it just felt <em>right</em>. <em>Like I was finally where I was supposed to be</em>. And then it was like everything was made clear. <em>I talked about you for three hours</em> <em>that first day</em>. I just couldn’t stop. <em>Because that’s what happens when someone is your everything</em>. I knew then that if I deserved a place in your life that I would have to face my own demons. I just couldn’t be me without you. I don’t know if any of that makes any sense, and I still can’t quite describe how I love you and how I need you because you’re just, well, <em>everything</em> to me. And I’m just <em>so fucking sorry</em> I’ve put you through hell. But I’m not doing any of this out of pity or guilt or because it’s 4AM. <em>I’m doing this because you showed me how valuable it is to open your heart to the people you love. To let them in on your good, your bad, and all the in-betweens</em>. And I want to do this <em>right.</em>” His voice was shaky but sure. His hands were holding onto her, <em>grounding her</em>. Making sure she was still there with him. Making sure she <em>knew</em> that it wasn’t a dream.</p><p>She was utterly speechless. Her emotions were everywhere, and her brain was whirling with all the thoughts and questions and feelings she suppressed over the last year. He could feel her brain working overtime, so he pressed his lips to her temple and whispered, “I know this is a lot to take in, so I want to take this whole thing slowly. There’s still a lot we need to talk about, and I want to make sure you get to ask all of your questions.”</p><p>She nodded, lifting her face so her lips met his once again. “Conrad, I don’t know what to say. <em>Nobody has ever said any of those things to me. </em>Nobody has ever looked at me the way you do. <em>Nobody has ever felt that way about me</em>. And I’ve never felt this way about anybody else besides you. <em>You’re everything to me, too</em>.” Her lips were on his cheek as she spoke, but then she turned her head to kiss down the column of his throat, sending a rush of heat down both of their bodies.</p><p>“Nic…” he began, his voice dropping low, the vibrations from his voice against her lips causing her breath to catch in her throat, “<em>God,</em> I want everything with you right now. But I think we should wait.”</p><p>“We should wait?” she repeated, completely taken aback by his comment.</p><p>“Oh, don’t get me wrong, <em>there’s so much I want to do with you</em>, but I really want to talk first. I want to show you how much I love you in <em>all</em> of the ways you deserve. So, would you want to have dinner with me after today’s conference sessions?” he asked, trying to level his breath and control his desire.</p><p>“Is Conrad Hawkins asking me out on a date?” she teased, still stunned that he was placing the <em>emotional</em> over the <em>physical</em>. He was working so hard for her, and <em>it melted her entire being</em>.</p><p>“Yes, he is. Do you think Nic be okay with that?” he matched her tease with his own, brushing his nose against hers.</p><p>“She’d be so much more than okay with it. She can’t wait,” she replied, bringing her lips to his once again, lingering there with her hands around his neck as his held her waist. She was soaking up every second of these moments like a sponge. All her fears, her doubts, her worries––they were vanishing right before her eyes. “Mm, what should I wear?” she asked, breathlessly, as she pulled away.</p><p>“Something warm,” he replied, his voice breathy as well. “No need for anything fancy. I want you to be comfortable.”</p><p>“Hm, can I know where we’re going?” she asked, her hands sliding up his chest.</p><p>“Mm, not a chance,” he replied, his hands slipping up into her hair, “I love you, though.”</p><p>“<em>I love you, too</em>.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. hotdogs and hot chocolate</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A little short, a little fluffy, and a lot of love for these two &lt;3</p><p>Thanks so much to all of y'all for supporting this story!!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“Is Conrad Hawkins asking me out on a date?” she teased, still stunned that he was placing the emotional over the physical. He was working so hard for her, and it melted her entire being. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes, he is. Would Nic be okay with that?” he matched her tease with his own, brushing his nose against hers.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“She’d be so much more than okay with it. She can’t wait,” she replied, bringing her lips to his once again, lingering there with her hands around his neck as his held her waist. She was soaking up every second of these moments like a sponge. All her fears, her doubts, her worries––they were vanishing right before her eyes. “Mm, what should I wear?” she asked, breathlessly, as she pulled away.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Something warm,” he replied, his voice breathy as well. “No need for anything fancy. I want you to be comfortable.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hm, can I know where we’re going?” she asked, her hands sliding up his chest.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Mm, not a chance,” he replied, his hands slipping up into her hair, “I love you, though.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I love you, too.”</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>“We should probably get ready,” he began, rubbing his hands up and down her back, “we wouldn’t want to be late to <em>your first conference</em>,” he added, pressing a quick kiss to her temple, causing her to giggle softly.</p><p>“Mm, no we wouldn’t,” she replied, laughter bubbling through her as she took in the fact that <em>she and Conrad were getting back together</em> and that <em>he was able to bring her to this conference</em>. “Hey, I don’t think I’ve properly thanked you for getting me here,” she added, cupping his face in her hand. “Thank you, Conrad, for allowing me to tag along with you.”</p><p>“Of course, Nic. There’s no way in hell I’d be able to survive this bullshit <em>without you</em>. And I didn’t see why you couldn’t come. We both thought it was ridiculous, and God knows we’re not ones to just simply <em>follow the rules</em>,” he replied, brushing his nose against hers.</p><p>“We don’t just <em>not follow the rules</em>, we <em>make our own</em>,” she added, her voice soft and sweet like honey.</p><p>“Nicolette Nevin, are you flirting with me?” he teased, his lips ghosting over hers, not actually kissing her, just touching.</p><p>“Mm, maybe I am, but that’s all you’ll get out of me until tonight,” she teased back, pushing him to the side as she stood up off the bed. “You’re right, <em>we should probably get ready</em>. <em>We wouldn’t want to be late to my first conference</em>,” she said seductively as she grabbed the dress she was going to wear that day and disappeared into the bathroom, leaving him sitting on the bed, mouth agape. <em>He would definitely need a cold shower that morning.</em></p>
<hr/><p>They met Mina in the lobby of the hotel and all three of them walked out together. Conrad and Nic had decided to keep their new relationship to themselves for now, seeing as they had <em>just</em> started talking about it <em>that morning. </em>But being so close to one another all throughout the day and not being able to touch was driving them mad.</p><p>Nic got a few questions about what she was doing there as more people found out she was an NP and not an MD, but most were simply out of curiosity and not out of spite. Though towards the end of the day, one particular individual was <em>highly unhappy </em>that Nic was allowed to attend.</p><p>“So, you’re the NP that decided to crash the party,” the physician said, stepping right up to Nic as soon as Conrad departed her side for a brief moment. “Whose arm-candy are you? Or maybe you could run along and grab me a coffee? Seeing as you’re <em>not </em>supposed to be here.”</p><p>“That’s me, ‘<em>the NP who decided to crash the elitist, exclusionary party</em>,’” she began, calm, cool, and collected. “And you must be the physician with a stick so far up his ass he decides to judge people’s character and worth based on the letters after their name.”</p><p>“Oh, you’re really something. You have <em>no idea who I am</em>,” he scowled. “What, are you <em>jealous</em> of the fact that <em>I </em>was <em>smart enough</em> to get into med school while <em>you </em>just ended up, well, <em>an NP</em>?”</p><p>“I am not jealous of you in the least. I actually feel a little sorry for you. You can’t see the value in people beyond what kind of school they went to. I am so much more than an NP, but <em>I’m one hell of an NP</em>. And I <em>am </em>smart enough. You get a free pass here just because you are an MD. But me? <em>I had to actually work to get here</em>. So, <em>I know I’m smart enough. </em>And not just that. <em>I care about my work and my job, and I don’t need an invite to a special conference to feel validated</em>. When my patients know they can trust <em>me</em>, that’s more than enough for me. <em>You</em> need to understand that <em>the patients depend on all of us. </em>Nurses, NP’s, PA’s, techs. All of us. You have lots of specific training. I’m not discrediting that. I’m just asking you to consider that <em>we all have important roles</em>. <em>And none of us could do what we do without the others</em>,” she responded, feeling freer now that she was able to say all of that. All of her insecurities about <em>not being smart enough, good enough, or enough in general </em>as an NP we’re brought up, and she was able to dismantle them. One by one. <em>And it felt good</em>.</p><p>He scoffed and simply walked away. “Disrespectful <em>bitch</em>,” he mumbled.</p><p>She let out a breath she had been holding and closed her eyes. It hurt to hear her insecurities being validated by his words, but it also felt amazing to hear her own voice countering them.</p><p>“<em>You are so much more than just good enough,</em>” Conrad’s voice carried towards her from behind her. She turned around and saw him standing there, his eyes not hiding the pain he felt having watched the interaction that had just transpired between Nic and the other physician. But he also couldn’t help but feel proud. <em>Proud of her</em>. Proud that she was so fucking strong. Proud that she stood up not only for herself, but for <em>all</em> non-physician medical workers.</p><p>“Hey, how long have you—” she began before he stepped towards her.</p><p>“Long enough to know that <em>you are the strongest and smartest person I have ever met</em>,” he interrupted. She felt herself blush. Hearing her own words dismantling her insecurities did feel <em>amazing</em>, but coupled with Conrad’s affirmations, she felt <em>on top of the world. </em></p><p>“Thanks, Conrad,” she replied, happy but also ready to be done with the day.</p><p>“Hey, you okay?” he asked, nearly reaching out for her, but remembering where they were. The last thing he wanted was for people to think that <em>she only came because the two of them were together. </em>She <em>deserved</em> recognition. And she deserved to have this shot to make a real difference. This meant so much to her, and he wanted to support her <em>in every way</em>.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m just a little tired,” she replied, her voice giving the hint that she wasn’t <em>just </em>tired in the physical sense, but also in the emotional sense. Resurfacing of some of one’s biggest career insecurities takes a lot out of a person.</p><p>“Not a problem, we can just go back to the hotel, order in, and sleep early if you want,” he replied his voice reassuring and kind. She smiled up at him, shaking her head.</p><p>“No, no, <em>we have a date tonight,</em>” she began, “and <em>I wouldn’t miss that for the world.”</em></p><p>A smile spread across his face as her eyes sparkled saying that <em>they have a date tonight</em>. “Well then, what are we waiting for?” he asked softly, turning to face the door. She followed after him, walking into the crisp New York winter. The first day of the conference ran longer than anticipated (typical with these things), so as soon as they exited the building, it dawned on them just how hungry they were.</p><p>“I promise you we’ll be getting food soon,” he chuckled, voicing her inner thoughts. <em>He knew her so damn well</em>.</p><p>“Mm, good. I can’t wait,” she replied, sliding her hand down into his, interlacing their fingers.</p><p>He smiled at their connection, warmth spreading through his body even though it was bloody cold outside. He pulled her down a couple blocks until she had no idea where she was. He was more familiar with New York City than she was, and she trusted him completely, letting him take her wherever he wanted to go. <em>She was just happy to spend time with him</em>.</p><p>They turned one final block, and they were suddenly in Time’s Square. Her eyes widened, taking in all of the lights and billboards and people and <em>everything</em>. Her eyes sparkled as she tried to take everything in, and he squeezed her hand, bringing her back down to him.</p><p>“Conrad, this is <em>amazing!</em>” she squealed, throwing her arms around his neck and pressing her lips to his as he held her waist and pulled her close.</p><p>“I’m glad you’re happy,” he chuckled as she pulled away and looked at him with a massive grin on her face.</p><p>“I love you,” she whispered, her nose against his. <em>Those words fell so naturally from their mouths now, and though it was natural, it still made her heart flutter and her skin tingle</em>.</p><p>“I love you, too,” he replied, kissing her once more quickly before his hand found hers and he guided her into the hustle and bustle of Time’s Square. They made their way to a side-street just off the center of the square, and grabbed some iconic New York hotdogs and hot chocolate, warm and filling, as they walked around the snowy city and into Central Park. Her nose and lips were rosy from the cold, and as the night went on, she felt herself getting a little chilly.</p><p>“Hey, are you getting cold?” he asked, noticing her shiver slightly before he brought his arms around her, pulling her down to sit on his lap on a park bench.</p><p>“Mm, <em>not anymore</em>,” she teased before she leaned down and pressed her cold lips to his.</p><p>“Liar,” he replied, noticing how cold her lips were.</p><p>“Conrad, this has been amazing,” she sighed, her chocolate brown orbs full of happiness and light. “Thank you.”</p><p>“Nic, you are <em>incredible</em>. And I’m so lucky and grateful that you’re willing to give this––<em>us</em>––a chance. You make me so damn happy every single day, so I just hope that I can return the favor, too,” he said, holding her close to him as she leaned her head onto his shoulder. “And I want you to know that you can ask me anything. I’ve been working on saying the things out loud that I’d pushed deep down. And I want to be completely transparent with you. Because I’d been hiding how badly I was messed up, then pretending that if I didn’t acknowledge it, that it would go away. <em>But it didn’t</em>. And all I did was push <em>the greatest thing that ever happened to me away</em>. That was the real wake-up call. I know it sounds cheesy and all, but I’m getting better. I just ask that you still be a little patient with me. I can be <em>pretty stubborn</em> if you hadn’t noticed already,” he chuckled, causing her to press her body into his more, wanting to soak up his laughter with her skin.</p><p>“I’m so glad to hear that, Conrad. And <em>I am so glad that we’re finally ready to be together</em>. Our time together last time was fun and <em>hot</em>, but I don’t think either of us were really ready for, well, <em>this</em>. I don’t think either of us could have been doing this a year ago. <em>But we’re here now</em>. And I am so <em>fucking </em>happy, Conrad. This night has just shown me how much we’ve both changed. <em>And this is definitely something I want––that I need––in my life</em>,” she replied, his grin growing wider as she spoke.</p><p>“Ask me anything,” he said softly, his hands slowly gliding up and down her back.</p><p>And so, she did. They sat on that bench for at least an hour and a half, talking about anything and everything, before the cold started seeping into their bones and they began their walk back to the hotel. They walked with as much of their bodies connected as possible––their fingers and arms intertwined, her head against his shoulder––until they reached the lobby of the hotel where they stepped apart a bit so as to avoid suspicious glances. But the way they were looking at each other would have totally given it away to anybody who was watching them and questioning their relationship.</p><p>As they entered the elevator to go up to their floor, she attempted to stifle a yawn, but it somehow still escaped. She covered her mouth with her hand, and Conrad chuckled at her, drawing her in close to him so she was flush against his chest.</p><p>“You tired?” he asked softly before pressing a kiss to her head.</p><p>“Mm,” she hummed, pulling him into her and holding him there until the elevator reached their floor.</p><p>They walked in a comfortable silence to their room, Conrad searching for the room key in his pocket as Nic yawned again, giggling along with Conrad’s chuckles. He opened the door, and almost immediately, Nic had taken off her coat, gloves, shoes, and dress, leaving her in the sweater and knit leggings she had been wearing underneath. But those came off quickly, too, to be replaced by her (<em>his</em>) t-shirt and shorts. There was a moment where he just watched her figure, lean, tall, and <em>fucking perfect</em>, clad in only her simple lingerie briefly before the clothes covered her up again. He swallowed hard, still standing in the entryway in his coat and gloves.</p><p>“Are you coming?” she asked, a hint of seductiveness in her voice.</p><p><em>I will if you’re going to be like this the rest of the night</em>, he thought, but instead, he cleared his throat and uttered a small, deep “yes.” He shed his jacket, gloves, and shoes, but he didn’t stop there. <em>Two can play at this game</em>, he thought. He started unbuttoning his shirt, slowly, until it was open and fell to the floor, followed by his pants, and he watched her eyes darken. But just before she could reach out to touch him, he slipped into the bathroom. She followed, only to find him squirting toothpaste onto his toothbrush and <em>brushing his goddamn teeth</em>.</p><p>“You are such a tease,” she scoffed, putting some toothpaste on her own toothbrush and starting to brush her teeth, too.</p><p>“And you’re not?” he mumbled, toothpaste in his mouth.</p><p>“Mm, I never said anything about me,” she replied quickly, her words jumbled, too, because of the growing minty white foam in her mouth.</p><p>“Mm,” he hummed before both of them looked in the mirror at the scene before them. <em>It was downright domestic, </em>and it felt so <em>damn right</em>. Something about brushing teeth together after a long day really made them feel like they were at <em>home</em>. <em>Home together</em>.</p><p>They both finished up, rinsing and drying off before they both made their way to bed, tired and happy. They cuddled up together, Nic fitting perfectly in his arms, and Conrad draping his body around her. Sleep found them both quickly that night, <em>because they were both finally where they were meant to be</em>.</p><p><em>Together</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. closings and beginnings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Next chapter woo! I hope y'all like it :) </p><p>I'd already written the next chapter, so it's going up right away. Consider it a thank you for all of the love and support on this story &lt;3</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Nic! Open up!” Mina yelled from the other side of Nic and Conrad’s room. The two of them both jolted up, alarm and concern for why Mina was banging on their door at 5AM.</p><p>“What happened?!” Nic exclaimed, pushing Conrad’s body off hers as she ran to the door. He jumped out of bed after her, wanting to make sure everything was okay.</p><p>Nic opened the door quickly and Mina stormed in. “Have you checked your phone in the last, oh, I don’t know, <em>twenty-four hours</em>?!” she practically spat.</p><p>“Uh, no? Mina, what happened. You’re scaring me,” Nic replied, her eyes still frantic from being woken up just mere seconds ago and having a yelling Mina be the first thing she had to deal with.</p><p>“Well, let me give you the highlights. Someone saw your little <em>exchange </em>with Dr. Barrett Cain—one of the most renowned neurosurgeons <em>in the world</em>—yesterday and decided to Tweet about it. And it’s kind of <em>gone viral</em>. At first, it looked pretty bad. But then other nurses and techs and PA’s started sharing it and telling their stories, and all of a sudden <em>you </em>became the voice for the entire fucking country’s non-physician medical staff. Anyway, long story short, the conference leaders want<em> you </em>to give a talk in their closing this year. They felt <em>inspired</em>—or whatever—by you. So, you now have less than twelve hours to figure out what the hell you’re going to say in front of <em>an entire auditorium of the world’s top physicians and whoever is going to watch the livestream</em>—which given your insane online presence right now, is probably the <em>entire fucking country</em>. So, yes, Nic. What the <em>actual fuck</em> do you think you’re doing <em>sleeping </em>right now? Get your ass up and working!” Mina dumped the whole story onto Nic, who was standing there with wide eyes.</p><p><em>She</em> was asked to give the closing talk of the entire conference? Someone saw <em>and filmed </em>the interaction between her and that physician? <em>He </em>was Dr. Barrett Cain? <em>What the actual fuck </em>is right. She was completely speechless.</p><p>“Can you give us a couple minutes, Mina?” Conrad asked calmly, sensing Nic’s near panic.</p><p>“I’ll be in my room if you need me,” Mina replied, stepping out of their room and closing the door.</p><p>Nic’s eyes flicked up to meet Conrad’s and he had an absolutely <em>massive </em>grin on his face. It was one of those grins that comes when something monumental comes around and you just can’t help but smile so wide your face begins to hurt.</p><p>She felt herself release a little bit of the tension she was holding as she took in at how <em>happy </em>he looked. But she was nervous as hell.</p><p>“Conrad, what does this mean?” she asked, her voice shaky.</p><p>“It means <em>you’re kickass</em>, and <em>you get to show everybody how kickass you and every single NP, nurse, PA, tech, and other medical workers are,</em>” he replied, circling his arms around her waist.</p><p>She leaned her weight into him as she slowly started letting the reality of everything sink in. But mere moments into their embrace, she abruptly pulled away. “Holy shit, I need to start working on what the hell I’m going to say!” she exclaimed, rushing over to the bed and pulling out her laptop to begin working.</p><p>“I’ll go get us some breakfast and coffee and be back, okay? Need anything else?” he asked, walking over to where she was sitting on the bed.</p><p>“Mm, thanks Conrad,” she began, “I do need just one more thing, though…” she added, her voice breathy and soft.</p><p>“And what might that be?” he asked, his voice low and smooth as he sat down next to her.</p><p>She leaned towards him, fully closing the distance between them in a hot, urgent, but loving kiss. Their tongues danced around in each other’s mouths, their breaths mixing and intertwining, until they needed to part so they could breathe. They looked at each other for a few moments longer before she nodded and he stood up, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a long-sleeve cotton tee so he could get breakfast and coffee for them.</p><p>She started typing away as soon as he shut the door behind him, and she didn’t even notice when he came back. She was completely engrossed in her task, and although the smell of coffee was enticing, she needed to wrap up her ideas before she could give in.</p><p>The rest of their morning was quiet—Nic was working on her speech while Conrad began to pack up some of their clothes so they would be ready to leave New York the following morning—and before they knew it, 8AM rolled around and it was time for them to head out to the final day of the conference.</p><p>“Ready to go?” he asked, grabbing both his and her coats.</p><p>“One second,” she replied, still sitting on the bed.</p><p>“Nic! You’re not even dressed!” he exclaimed, turning around to see her sitting on the bed <em>still </em>in her t-shirt she wore to sleep.</p><p>“I will be in five seconds,” she replied calmly, sending her speech to her phone before shutting her laptop. She stood up off the bed, turning around and taking her shirt off, leaving her bare back facing him. He tried his best to not stare at her, but he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from her porcelain skin. She could feel him watching her as she put on her bra and blouse, leaving it unbuttoned as she spun around to grab her slacks. She leaned down, watching him watch her, her cleavage on full display for him. She held her gaze on him as his eyes took her in. He traced his eyes from her chest back up to her face as she smirked. He ran his fingers through his hair, blowing out a breath as she giggled and turned back around. He glanced away as she pulled on her pants, trying <em>not </em>to think about her body, her legs, her skin, and how <em>fucking good </em>she’s taste and feel. <em>Fuck. </em></p><p>He was pulled from his thoughts when she placed her hands on his back, sliding them up and around his shoulders as she stood on her toes and kissed his cheek. “Ready,” she breathed onto his skin.</p><p>“Mm, let’s go,” he replied, his voice gravelly and hot.</p><p>She shifted her weight as his voice reverberated through her body, heat spreading through her limbs and core. <em>How the hell did they manage to stay away from each other for so long?</em></p><p>Before they could do anything else, there was another loud bang against their door.</p><p>“Nicolette Nevin and Conrad Hawkins I swear to God if you two are in there messing around I will actually—” Mina began before Nic swung the door open.</p><p>“No funny business,” Nic replied, <em>liar</em>, “don’t worry.”</p><p>Mina turned around to walk down the hall towards the elevators, and Nic turned back to Conrad, a cheeky grin spread across his face.</p><p>“What?” she asked innocently.</p><p>“<em>No funny business?</em>” he parroted.</p><p>“No funny business,” she repeated, “there’s absolutely <em>nothing funny</em> about how turned on I am because of you right now.” Her voice was sweet and thick, causing his breath to catch in his throat. She smiled at the effect she had on him, and she turned to start walking down the hall.</p><p>“You’re <em>such</em> a tease,” he replied, pinching her ass as he followed her down the hall. She giggled and swatted his hand away playfully. “<em>And you don’t even know how much you turn me on, too</em>,” he added, his voice low and quiet, just loud enough for her to hear. A jolt of electricity rushed down her spine before they separated just enough so Mina wouldn’t be suspicious. <em>If he knew she was going to be this much of a tease, he wouldn’t have offered to ‘take things slow.’</em> She was driving him mad.</p><p>They made their way into the elevator and finally to the conference space. Throughout the entire day, she grew more and more nervous at the prospect of speaking at the closing. She knew there were only about five individuals who had the opportunity to speak, so she felt a mixture of honor and guilt that she was taking this away from someone else. <em>But she wasn’t taking it away.</em> She fucking <em>earned</em> it. So, when it was time for her to stand to the side of the stage, waiting for her turn to speak, she didn’t feel nervous.</p><p>“Our final speaker in these closing remarks before we wrap this year’s conference is Nurse Practitioner Nicolette Nevin. Please join me up her Nurse Nevin,” the moderator said into the microphone at the center of the stage, smiling in the direction of Nic.</p><p>She smiled back as she stepped on stage, into the bright lights. The moderator stepped aside as Nic took the podium, glancing around the audience briefly until her eyes landed on <em>his</em>. He smiled sweetly at her, looking at her with so much love and adoration. <em>And it was right then that she knew that he was her one. He would be her always</em>.</p><p>She took one last deep breath in, and began:</p><p>
  <em>I would like to begin by simply saying how grateful I am to have the opportunity to not only attend this event, but also share my remarks with you all. My name is Nic Nevin, and I am a proud Nurse Practitioner at Chastain Memorial Park Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia. Now, I could stand here and defend myself as the only NP that is in attendance of this physician-only conference. I could rave about how much I enjoyed Dr. Austin’s seminar or how grateful I am to Dr. Bell for sending me here along with Dr. Hawkins and Dr. Okafor. Or even about how I am surprised that I am here talking to you all when I am not even supposed to be here. But I’m not going to do that because I want you to know that I am more than just a Nurse Practitioner. I’m Nic.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I am not solely defined by the NP that follows my name, just like all of you aren’t defined by what combination of letters follow yours. I am defined by my actions and decisions that I make every single day. And so are you. We all have stories to share. Hardships we’ve overcome. People we’ve loved and lost. The good, the bad, the ugly. We’ve all been there, and we will continue to be there for the rest of our lives. But we chose to work in medicine, so we chose to be there for others, too. We listen to our patients. We listen to them, but we have a really hard time listening to each other. We make entire careers out of listening to our patients, but we also have to be mindful about listening to one another. Because we all have important stories, too. And I’m here to start that. I just ask that you listen to me like you’d listen to your patients. To care for your team like you do for your patients. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Neither of my parents had any formal education after high school. My mother was my biggest role model, though, for going into a career in medicine. Every day, she’d go to the free clinic near where I used to live and just listen to people tell their stories, detail their symptoms, and talk about anything and everything. She didn’t have any medical training, but she loved to listen to people. I came with her a few times because I was curious, and ever since I came the first time, I was completely mesmerized. Some of the people that came into the clinic were quite sick. But my mom somehow made them feel just a little bit better. She had a kind of superpower that completely enchanted me. And I didn’t know in that moment what the medical field entailed, or what rigor I would need to even enter that world. I just knew I wanted that. I wanted that superpower.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When my mom passed away and my dad left, my little sister and I felt alone. Not the kind of alone where you know deep inside that you still have someone, anyone, around you, but the kind of alone where you know you’re totally alone. The kind of alone that makes you wish your thoughts would scream out of your mind so that you’d hear something. Anything besides the sound of your own breathing. The first few weeks were tough. But we talked to each other. We listened. And we found part of our mother in us. Our ability to listen to each other was what got me through one of the toughest times in my entire life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>That was when I stumbled into medicine. And when I stumbled into the rigor and hours of studying. By the time I was applying to college, my sister and I had grown further apart. She had her friends, and I had my books. We stopped eating dinner together. She’d come home later, and I’d wake up earlier. We fell out of touch with each other even though we knew deep down that we were all the other had. The only real family we had left. The only real family we truly remembered. Our dad slipped in and out over the years, but not enough to leave any lasting impact on either one of us. His silence and disappearances spoke volumes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I remember the day I left for college. I will never forget the look in my little sister’s eyes. It was terrifying because it was something I had never seen before. It was something I never noticed because I was too focused on my studies and my work than I was of her. I stopped listening to her. I lost her, too, that very day. She and I weren’t in touch at all when I was in school. I kept trying to reach out, but my texts were met with read receipts, my calls with voicemails, and my letters with silence. I wanted––needed––to see her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>So, I went home one weekend, and I found her on the ground, OD’ed, and I had never felt so much fear. I stayed with her in the hospital all weekend, and I took a week off school so I could be with her. I remember both of us crying so much that day. We’d kept too much from each other. We hadn’t listened in years. I was in the middle of medical school applications, getting notifications of interviews across the country, but there was only one place I wanted to be. I finished my last semester of college online from home as I stayed with my little sister, and I decided that my path to medicine would have to wait. She went to rehab, and I worked two jobs as well as started volunteering again at the same clinic my mother did. My sister and I ate dinner together over videochat every day while she was inpatient, and when she was transitioned to outpatient, we fell asleep holding each other each night. She told me everything, and I listened. I had no idea how hard of a time she was having because I stopped paying attention and checking in with her, and she didn’t want to disturb me in my studies. We lost each other because we stopped listening.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But she was more important to me than any offer from any medical school. We spent the year together, and she started working at one of her favorite clothing stores and as a freelance photographer. Every time she sends me her new projects, I am just so happy that this world gets to have her. Because it almost didn’t. My sister has been and always will be such a light in my life like my mother was.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I was out with her one morning, driving her to a meeting with one of her newest clients, who happened to be the CEO of Chastain Memorial Park Hospital. She usually didn’t ask me for rides, but that day she did, and I knew she had something up her sleeve. Turns out, my little sister was taking Chastain’s CEO’s headshots, and the topic of me and medicine came up, and she really wanted to meet me. She told me that day that because of my dedication to service, the work I was doing at the clinic, and my schooling already, that Chastain would fund my medical school if I returned there for residency and fellowship. I asked if I could shadow for a couple months before deciding, seeing as I had to wait another full year before I could reapply. She granted me shadowing, and I learned all about how the medical field operated. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I remember one instance where a young boy was brought into the ED and instantly, a team of six or seven people were working together to save the boy’s life. I stood near the corner of the room, just watching. The boy ended up stabilizing, and as the doctors wrote a few notes and signed off on a few medications before moving to talk to the family, there was one young woman left in the room. She sat with that kid until he woke up, and she was the first one he saw, comforting him when all he could initially feel was panic. She was listening to him just like my mother had. After the parents came in and the young woman left the room, I followed her out. She and I ended up talking throughout the entire rest of the day, and when she told me that she was an NP, I just knew that was what I was going to do. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I asked if Chastain would support my nursing school, and the CEO said she would. I applied, was accepted, went through, graduated, and came back to Chastain. As an NP. I love my job, but I love working with everyone more. Working through tough problems and difficult diagnoses, leaning on each other for support when we’re exhausted or emotionally drained, and telling each other funny or horror stories both within the hospital and outside of it––all of that keeps reminding me of how right my decision was for me. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I get a lot of ‘why isn’t she a doctor,’ or ‘she wasn’t smart enough to be a physician, so she settled for being a nurse,’ and it is so incredibly wrong. I chose to be a nurse. I didn’t settle. And I am smart. Anyone who works in medicine is smart. Remember how hard it was to even get in? All the late nights studying. All the stressful exams. All the times where you had to make a life-or-death decision in mere seconds. We are all more than good enough because we’re all here. And I’m saying ‘we’ as all medical and healthcare professionals. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>There is so much I learn from you each and every day. Your jobs are not easy. Working in the medical field isn’t easy. If it were easy, everyone would do it, because it really is the best job in the world. But we face so much difficulty each and every day. We make difficult decisions. People trust us with their health. Their lives. Their futures. Providing the absolute best care is our principal focus as healthcare workers. But you all know that. We work hard for our patients, but we work hard with each other. Medicine is not for the faint of heart, sure, but it also isn’t meant to be done alone. Every single person is necessary and important in our team. We can’t do what we do without each other.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So, physicians, nurses, NP’s, PA’s, techs, students, lab assistants, and every single person who works in or with the medical world and patients, keep sharing your stories. We’re people, too. And all of us are worthy of being heard. Because when it comes down to it, we’re all on the same team. We’re all trying to do what’s best for our patients. We’re all trying to support each other through this difficult responsibility. And we’re not alone. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>So, that’s me. Now, you can remember me as the NP from Atlanta who was almost a college-dropout, speaking at a medical conference only for physicians. Or you could remember me as Nic, just another human being who wants to continue listening to people’s stories for the rest of her life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s been a pleasure listening to and getting to know you. I hope to continue learning from you, and I do hope that you learned something from me. Thank you for your time.</em>
</p><p>She stepped back from the podium and was taken aback by the roaring applause from the audience. Everyone was on their feet, some whistling, and she felt her heart rate skyrocket. She was glad she didn’t totally bomb her speech, but even though she felt amazing by the positive response from everyone, <em>she was only looking for one person</em>. As she waved at the crowd when she started walking off the stage, she glanced towards where Conrad was sitting, but she found his seat empty. She furrowed her brow momentarily as she stepped fully into the backstage area, releasing a breath that she held in her lungs. Her chest felt tight not seeing him there, but that tightness was immediately replaced with a flood of relief as she felt a pair of arms circle around her waist from behind while <em>his</em> scent enveloped her.</p><p>“That was––” he began, his lips right by her ear. But she turned around and kissed him instead.</p><p>She kissed him like he was her entire world. She kissed him like it was the last time she would ever kiss anybody. <em>But it wasn’t</em>. This was just the beginning.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. second first</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Here we go!! The moment we've all been waiting for ;)</p><p>Very much M</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>She kissed him like he was her entire world. She kissed him like it was the last time she would ever kiss anybody. But it wasn’t. This was just the beginning. </em>
</p><p>“Nic, you are incredible,” he whispered into her lips as she devoured his. “You’re so strong,” he added. “You are so <em>goddamn </em>amazing. I am so glad all those people know a fraction of what an incredible person you are.”</p><p>“I love you,” she whispered back, pulling away from his lips as she looked into his sweet brown eyes.</p><p>“I love you, too. And I loved that speech. At first, I was thinking that I couldn’t believe that you had pulled that off so quickly, but then I remembered that <em>you’re Nic</em>. And <em>you’re fucking amazing</em>,” he replied, watching her soft chocolate orbs melt. But as the adrenaline from standing on stage and speaking to thousands of people started to wear off, a new kind of adrenaline replaced it, and her eyes darkened.</p><p>“Conrad, <em>fuck taking things slow</em>,” she said, her voice pure sex. “I think we’ve waited long enough. Too long. <em>A year is enough</em>,” she added, her lips pressed under his ear. “<em>I told you I was sure before, and that hasn’t changed. </em>I’m ready. <em>For everything</em>,” she practically purred before tracing the shell of his ear with her tongue.</p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>, Nic,” he groaned, closing his eyes involuntarily as he felt her heat against him. Her warm, wet tongue on his skin had never felt so <em>fucking good</em>. He knew he needed her. <em>He knew it</em>. But he didn’t realize quite how bad. <em>And holy shit, he needed her bad</em>.</p><p>“How fast can we get back to the hotel?” she asked, her voice low and her eyes dark. <em>She also needed him. </em>Now. She was completely sure. It was as if this entire trip had lifted a massive emotional weight from her shoulders and she could finally breathe again. Her mind was clear and calm. And she was ready to be with him in <em>every single way. </em></p><p>“If we leave right now, we can probably make it back in ten,” he replied, his voice dropping, making her knees weak. Her balance faltered, and she leaned into him. He pulled her close and nudged her lips open with his as she gripped his shirt and the base of his neck, pulling him in as much as she could. “God, Nic, if you keep doing that, <em>we’re not going to make it to the hotel</em>. And I really don’t want our second first time to be backstage at a medical conference,” he chuckled, brushing the loose strands of hair that had come out of her elegant updo behind her ears.</p><p>She loved it when he did that. Well, she loved <em>everything </em>about him. And as much as she just wanted him right then and there, she agreed. She didn’t want their second first time to be <em>here. </em>She wanted it to be proper. They fucking deserved it.</p><p>“Go grab our coats and I’ll get a cab,” she stated, her voice still dark with sex and desire.</p><p>“Yes, ma’am,” he replied, feeling a rush of heat spread throughout his body at her slightly demanding tone. <em>She knew what she wanted. And she wanted it now.</em> He did as he was told, and after following her outside and into a cab, it was almost impossible for him to keep his hands to himself. He held her waist tightly, unzipping her jacket then untucking her blouse from her pants and sliding one of his hands underneath the fabric.</p><p>The cab ride was only about five minutes, but it was the longest five minutes either of them had ever endured. They wanted each other. But they didn’t want to give their poor driver <em>a show</em>. So they continued touching discreetly. Hardly making a sound above his low laughs and her giggles. Her hand initially rested on his knee, but as his hands traveled up her shirt along her stomach and right underneath her breasts, her hand slid up his thigh, gripping it and biting her lip so she would remain quiet. Both of their eyes were already dark, and when the cab driver pulled up to the hotel, they both practically jumped out, Conrad leaving an entire $20 bill for the driver even though the fare was only about $7. He figured that was easier than actually pulling out the correct amount, and because the driver was almost put into a seriously uncomfortable situation, $20 seemed right.</p><p>She yanked him into the hotel, speeding through the lobby as they made their way to the elevators. They stood there, waiting for an elevator, and they just breathed, looking at each other. <em>Not saying a single thing. </em>Just looking. They had already said plenty, and now just looking was more than enough. They needed time to just look.</p><p>When the elevator arrived with a quiet <em>ding</em>, they were pulled momentarily from their trance as he pulled her into the elevator. The doors shut, and not a single breath went by before he had her pressed against the wall, claiming her mouth with his, their tongues sliding across each other’s and along their lips. She whimpered quietly, having dreamed of his lips on hers nearly every day since they split.</p><p>“<em>Fuck, Nic,</em>” he began, practically growling, “I can’t even begin to explain how much I’ve missed you.” His lips were down her neck, and she grasped his head to hold him in place. She was already panting, never having been so affected by a kiss in her life. <em>She was his, and he was hers. </em>And they wouldn’t have it any other way.</p><p>“Conrad, I’ve missed you <em>so goddamn much</em>. I’ve thought about this more than I’d care to admit,” she giggled, her hands squeezing his shoulders, silently telling him to meet her eyes.</p><p>He straightened up, his lips ghosting across hers once more before his darkened eyes met hers. “You’ve thought about <em>this</em>?” he asked, curiosity and lust mixing in his voice.</p><p>Before she could answer, the elevator arrived at their floor, and she took his hand in hers and pulled him out of the elevator and into the hallway. They practically ran to their room, standing in front of their door before she pulled him in for another kiss. <em>It had been too long since his lips were on hers, and she needed him more than she needed air</em>.</p><p>He pulled away reluctantly, one of his hands holding her close to him as the other fished around in his front pocket, looking for their room key. She pressed kisses underneath his jaw, trailing her lips from there to the soft spot behind his ear, whispering sweet nothings to him as his fingers fumbled with the keycard. She shed her jacket completely, holding it in one of her hands as the other caressed the side of his face as she kissed and sucked his flesh.</p><p>Even when they were together last year, they never felt like <em>this</em> before. Both of them were already so worked up, but they weren’t rushing. They were taking their time exploring each other again. Even though everything was familiar, and they <em>knew</em> what the other wanted, they were still <em>discovering</em> each other again. <em>And they fucking loved it</em>.</p><p>He finally managed to get the door open, and he practically shoved her in, closing the door quickly and pressing her against it. She dropped her coat, not even bothering to place it on the rack. <em>All she was focusing on was him.</em></p><p>“Yes, by the way,” she whispered, “yes, I’ve thought about this. About how <em>I also can’t be me without you</em>. About how <em>fucking good</em> you make me feel. <em>About making love to you again</em>,” she continued as his hands slipped underneath her blouse and circled around her waist.</p><p>The fact that she thought about it <em>like he did</em> over this past year stirred something deep inside of him. The whole year of longing was finally over. <em>They finally had everything</em>. And he couldn’t stop the absolutely stupid grin that was spreading across his face.</p><p>“I love you, Nic,” he replied, kissing her completely breathless again as his fingers worked the buttons of her shirt. He pressed his body against hers, grinding slowly against her. The weight of him made her tingly. The heat of him made her weak in the knees. The smell of him made her dizzy with pleasure. <em>She was completely consumed by his presence.</em> “And I’ve thought about this, too. <em>I’ve thought about everything with you,</em>” he added as he pushed her blouse fully off. As it fell to the floor, she grabbed his shoulders and pushed him around so he was against the wall. <em>Fucking hot</em>, he thought.</p><p>She looked up at him through her lashes as she slipped her hands underneath his jacket and pushed it off. She traced her fingers slowly up his torso, still covered by his dress shirt, and found her way to his collar. Their breaths were mixing, their foreheads pressed together, and slowly, <em>painfully slowly</em>, she began to unbutton his shirt. She dragged her lips down the column of his throat, stopping at the curve where his shoulder meets his neck to apply a little more pressure. The more skin she exposed with each button opening, she kissed and touched. <em>She needed every inch of him</em>. Finally, she pulled the bottom of his shirt out from his pants and unbuttoned the last button. She slid her hands up his chest, this time against his bare skin, and pushed his shirt down so it landed on the floor on top of the pile of their clothes.</p><p>They kicked their shoes off, their socks quickly following (they both had a <em>thing</em> for making sure sock and sex didn’t mix), and he guided her towards the bed. His hands slid to her ass and gripped her so she was as close to him as possible. <em>But they needed more. </em>They needed to be closer.</p><p>Her hands slipped between them and pulled at his belt. “This is new,” she commented, noticing the unfamiliarity with how the clasp worked.</p><p>“Here, let me,” he replied, his hands expertly manipulating the belt so it came open.</p><p>“Thank you,” she giggled, pulling the belt completely off and tossing it God knows where. She flicked her gaze back up at him before unbuttoning and unzipping his pants. She moaned at just the <em>sound</em>.</p><p>He gripped her a little tighter as her hands slipped underneath his pants, pushing them down over his ass. She took a step back as he pulled his pants the rest of the way off. <em>She took him in. </em>He had always looked like a Greek God, but even a year later, he somehow looked even better. He was even fitter than she remembered, his toned abs, arms, and chest all competing for her attention. <em>How she wanted to taste and touch every inch of him.</em></p><p>“<em>Goddamn</em>,” she moaned as he closed the distance between them again. She felt his arousal pressing in between her legs, and she sighed as he groaned, both of them not concealing any part of how much they wanted—<em>needed</em>—each other.</p><p>“Fucking hell, Nic, a year is to goddamn long,” he groaned into her neck as he nipped and sucked her tender flesh. She dropped her head back, moaning softly as she unbuttoned her pants. He pressed her back so she fell to sitting on the bed, a bubbling of giggles erupting from her. “You’re giggly,” he chuckled, one of his hands sliding up her torso and gently guiding her down so she was laying down flat.</p><p>“I love you,” she replied simply, her eyes sparkling. “And you’re so fucking hot,” she added, her voice dark and dripping with sex.</p><p>He crashed his lips onto hers, the weight of his body on top of hers making her squirm in anticipation. He slipped his hands under her ass and pulled her slacks off, making sure that they wouldn’t wrinkle as he laid them gently on the chair next to the bed. She sat up onto her elbows as she moved back more fully onto the bed. She looked enticing, her legs spread apart, her simple dark lingerie contrasting her porcelain skin. He stood there, eyes raking over her, for <em>a while</em>. He didn’t realize how long he was staring until she cleared her throat and raised an eyebrow at him.</p><p>“Are we just going to look at me or…” she teased.</p><p>“Sorry,” he replied, running his fingers through his hair. “This just— I kind of can’t believe this is really happening,” he said nervously. <em>Cute</em>, she thought.</p><p>“Mm, you <em>are</em> one lucky bastard, but I’m also the luckiest woman on this earth,” she purred, sitting up fully. “Now, come on over here so I can show you how <em>real </em>this is.”</p><p>He nearly came right there. Her voice, her eyes, <em>all of her</em> right there. He simply couldn’t believe it. His legs carried him back over to her as he laid on top of her again, kissing her like his life depended on it (<em>it sure as hell felt like it did</em>). There was so much he wanted to do. To say. But nothing was coming out, so he just stared at her again. She had never felt so much intimacy in her life. They were still half-clothed, both immensely turned on from their touches and their kisses, but the way he was looking at her made her breath falter and her skin boil like nothing she had ever felt before.</p><p>“<em>Nic,</em>” he whispered, holding her head with his hands, twirling a strand of her golden locks between his fingers.</p><p>“Yes?” she asked breathlessly, her chest nearly heaving as she tried to catch her breath from the way he was holding her gaze.</p><p>“There is and never will be anyone like you,” he said as he slid one of his hands down her body, leaving a trail of goosebumps along the path of his fingertips. “Being with you like this is just so <em>right</em>.”</p><p>“It really is,” she replied, reaching up to hold his face in her hands like he was doing to her. They laid there, open and vulnerable with each other, just <em>looking</em> again until their desires and the fact that <em>he was on top of her</em> caught up with them and their lips found each other’s once again.</p><p>His hand snaked around underneath her back and unclasped her bra, his lips gliding down her neck again. He slipped the straps off her arms and tossed the garment away, pausing to look across her body again. “You are <em>so fucking beautiful</em>, Nic,” he whispered, his hands sliding up her torso to her already sensitive breasts. She moaned and arched into his touch, but her sounds were drowned out as he swallowed her moans into his kiss. She nibbled hungrily at his bottom lip, causing him to groan as he continued to massage her breasts. He shifted down so his lips were in line with her chest, and he watched her catch her breath from their kisses for a moment before he closed his lips around her left nipple, sucking and rolling it in his mouth as she moaned again.</p><p>“<em>Oh fuck</em>,” she whimpered, her fingers diving into his hair and tugging against it. His eyes rolled back as he hummed around her sensitive skin, making her pull a little harder. He released her nipple with a wet pop before turning his attention to the other side. Their hands were everywhere, both beginning to lose their minds as their movements became more passionate. <em>They were letting go for each other</em>. No walls. No uncertainties. No doubts. <em>Just love</em>.</p><p>He kissed back up to her neck and jaw as she grabbed his ass and pressed him to her, both of them moaning as his hard cock rubbed against her wet center through their underwear. He pressed his forehead to hers again as her hands slid to the waistband of his boxers. Their breathing was heavy, chests rising up and down together. She smiled against his skin, and he felt it, lifting his head up to look at her.</p><p>“Are you ready?” she asked, holding his gaze as a wide smile spread across his face.</p><p>“I think you know the answer to that,” he replied, pressing his hips to hers again so <em>she knew how ready he was</em>.</p><p>She giggled as she pulled his boxers down off his ass. He kissed her softly before he helped her the rest of the way in getting his boxers fully off. He hooked his fingers around her panties and watched her as he peeled them off slowly. He ran a flat hand over her stomach and down in between her legs, and her eyes fluttered closed as she released a breathy sigh. He moaned as he felt her heat and her wetness, and he couldn’t help but slip one of his fingers inside of her as he brushed his thumb lightly over her clit. He curled his finger up inside of her, stroking her walls and hitting her in all the right spots, making her moan louder this time. He removed his fingers, and she instantly missed the contact. But his heat and touch were back over her within seconds. His hands caressed her whole body as his lips pressed to hers over and over.</p><p>He was being soft, <em>gentle</em>, and it felt <em>so fucking good</em>. She had rarely seen this side of him, and it melted her. He knew her body so well. He knew what she liked and what she didn’t. He was skilled, but <em>he was particularly skilled for her</em>. It was then that her brain wandered to a land of doubt and worry. He felt her slightly tense, and he pulled back, wanting to make sure she really wanted this.</p><p>“Hey,” he began, his voice soft and calm even though the desire was burning inside of him, “is everything okay?”</p><p>“Yeah, I just––” she started, not even sure where her insecurity was coming from.</p><p>“Hey, no pressure to do any of this right now. We can go at whatever pace <em>you</em> feel is right,” he interrupted, not wanting her to feel like she was being forced to do anything.</p><p>“No, no,” she began again, “I want this, Conrad. I just–– this is going to sound stupid––”</p><p>“This is a <em>big thing</em>. Nothing you’re feeling is <em>stupid</em>. You can tell me anything,” he reassured as she smiled softly at him. <em>He was fucking perfect</em>.</p><p>“Okay,” she exhaled, pulling him close as she spoke, “Well, I was just thinking about how you <em>really know what you’re doing</em>. And I don’t even know why I started thinking this, but I felt a little… I don’t know… jealous of the fact that this past year you were probably doing <em>this</em> with other people that <em>weren’t</em> me. It’s stupid and irrational and we weren’t together, I know. And you didn’t do anything wrong at all, but––”</p><p>“I’m going to stop you right there, Nic,” he interrupted. “This past year, I haven’t been with anybody,” he breathed.</p><p>“W-what?” she stammered as he held her even closer to him.</p><p>“I couldn’t be with anybody else when I knew my heart belonged to you,” he replied. “And I have never loved anybody the way I love you. I’m glad you told me this. Because that means I can tell you that <em>you’re the only one for me</em> and again that <em>you’re my everything</em>.” He combed his fingers through her hair as her eyes closed briefly, taking in the gravity of his statement.</p><p>“Oh my God,” she whispered, almost inaudibly as she pulled his lips back to hers. “I’m sorry,” she whispered again between kisses.</p><p>“Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for,” he replied holding her close again so she could feel that <em>he was there, and he wasn’t going anywhere</em>.</p><p>“I couldn’t be with anyone else, either, you know,” she added, her lips against his cheek.</p><p><em>Goddamn</em>. <em>They were fucking waiting for each other</em>. That realization hit the both of them like a ton of bricks, and before they knew it, they were back all over each other––hands, lips, skin, heat. Knowing they each held the other in a special place in their hearts made this moment of coming back together all the more powerful.</p><p>“Conrad, I love you so much,” she whispered as her hands meandered down his body again, “and I need you now.”</p><p>“I love you, too. And I’m here, Nic. I’m here for good. <em>I’m not running anymore</em>,” he replied before she pulled his entire body onto her, feeling his weight, his muscles flex, his dick pressed against her stomach. He groaned at the contact and the pressure, but he wanted to bring her to cloud 9 before him (because he knew he would come embarrassingly fast if he were inside her). </p><p>“Nic, I want you to come for me,” he growled, his hand wandering between them again and finding her clit.</p><p>“I want to…” she began before her moan interrupted her words as he pressed his thumb against her sensitive bundle of nerves. When she caught her breath, she started again. “Conrad, I want to come <em>with </em>you,” she exhaled, her hands against his chest.</p><p>“Oh, there will be plenty of time for that,” he teased, “but first, I want to see you come undone.<em> I want to feel you, Nic</em>.”</p><p>“Oh God,” she whispered as he increased the speed of his thumb around her clit. She bent her knees up, opening herself more to him, and he reached his other hand down to slip two fingers inside her wet core.</p><p>Her moans filled the room and his ears, and he couldn’t help but groan at the sight and sounds before him. He missed this. <em>Her. </em>Not just her body. But <em>her</em>. He watched as she was climbing closer to her peak, her eyes fluttering closed and her moans growing louder. She felt her reality slipping away, and the only thing on her mind was <em>him</em>. She felt her release building, and with a couple more flicks of her clit and curling of his fingers inside of her, she was coming <em>hard</em>. She brought her arm up to her face and groaned into the pit of her elbow as her insides clenched and her whole body shook.</p><p>“<em>Holy fucking shit</em>,” she practically moaned as gasped, working on coming down from her high. for breath, coming down from her high. The first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was a smile ten miles wide on Conrad’s face as he shifted on top of her again.</p><p>“How are you?” he asked gently, brushing sticky pieces of golden hair from her face.</p><p>“Mm, I’ve never been better,” she replied, her voice gravelly, “and now let’s take care of you.” She gripped his cock, and the air punched out of his lungs immediately. Her soft, skilled hand moved up and down his length, and he thrust into her touch. She spread his precum over his cock, leaving him slick and harder than he swore he’d ever been.</p><p>“<em>Fuck,</em>” he groaned as her soft hand stroked up and down his length.</p><p>“<em>God fucking damn</em>, Nic, I’m not going to last much longer if you keep this up,” he huffed before he pushed her hand away and kissed her so hard she felt her lips would bruise. She whimpered softly, still reeling from her last orgasm, and when she felt the tip of his cock brush against her wet folds, she moaned deeply, wanting him desperately to be inside of her. He felt her shuffle slightly underneath him, and he knew she was ready. She looked up at him with her big chocolatey eyes, and he thought his heart stopped. <em>Nobody had ever looked at him with so much love.</em></p><p>She brought her hand up slowly to the side of his face, urging him to be even closer to her as she whispered, “let go for me now.”</p><p>One of his hands slipped around her back to pull her close while the other grabbed hold of his cock, lining it up with her glistening entrance. They were breathing heavily already, and he held her gaze as he slowly pushed his dick inside of her, filling her completely. The room felt void of oxygen as their lungs emptied completely when their hips met. He stayed there, <em>completely buried inside of her</em>, as they both worked to refill their lungs.</p><p>“Nic, <em>you’re perfect</em>,” he groaned as he started rocking his hips slowly into hers.</p><p>“Oh <em>fuck</em>,” she whimpered as her eyes fell closed.</p><p>“Hey,” he said softly, “I want you to see exactly what you do to me.”</p><p>“<em>Oh God, Conrad</em>,” she moaned, forcing her eyes open to meet his dark brown orbs looking so lovingly at her. <em>She needed him to know that he was something she couldn’t live without. </em>She couldn’t imagine her life without him. <em>He was everything</em>. “I can’t lose you. <em>Please, don’t go ever again,</em>” she whimpered.</p><p>“I’m here for good, Nic. <em>You’re stuck with me,</em>” he replied. “<em>I’m here for good</em>,” he repeated, increasing the pace and depth of his thrusts. He could feel his release building quickly, and he buried his face in her neck, kissing, biting, and sucking her there, <em>basking in her skin and her heat</em>. She was all around him, <em>everywhere</em>. And it was driving him even closer to his peak. Her moans grew in volume as he hit her deeper, and with a slight adjustment of his hips he was at an angle that was <em>oh just right</em>.</p><p>She was close, and so was he, so he slid one of his hands between them and pinched her clit. She screamed in pleasure, clenching her walls around his cock, making the pressure and heat <em>oh just right</em>. They <em>exploded</em> together, the room filled with their moans and breaths as they came. Their bodies trembled, and they held onto each other for dear life, nails digging into flesh, fingertips bruising skin.</p><p>Their climaxes were powerful, and coming down from their highs was a beautiful thing. He lifted his head from the space he had claimed between her neck and her shoulder and glanced down at the beautiful woman in his arms. <em>She really was everything</em>.</p><p>He rolled them over so she was laying on top of him, and she flopped on top of his chest, still feeling completely boneless. “<em>Wow</em>,” he whispered, his chest rising and falling rapidly and deeply as he worked to catch his breath. They laid there for countless minutes. Breathing. Feeling. <em>Just existing together</em>. </p><p>She lifted her head up, bringing her lips to his once more before settling back on his chest and echoing his sentiment. “<em>Wow’s </em>right,” she replied, a smile taking over her face as her eyes glistened. “That was amazing. <em>You are amazing</em>,” she added as he pulled her up towards him and cuddled her in.</p><p>“Mm, I love you, Nic,” he mumbled into her hair, pressing kisses to the side of her face, making her giggle.</p><p>“I love you, too, Conrad,” she replied, that smile never leaving her face.</p><p>“And I’m not going anywhere. I’m here with you, and <em>I’m here for good</em>,” he reaffirmed, holding her tight to his body as she melted into him.</p><p>“I’m not going anywhere, either. <em>I’m in this for good, too,</em>” she added, her lips grazing across his neck.</p><p>“Good, because <em>we still have so much to do,</em>” he teased, squeezing her ass and pulling one of her legs over his hips. She could already feel him half-hard against her thigh, and before she knew it his lips were on hers and she was drowning in their moans and sighs and heat. <em>It was going to be a long night</em>, <em>but they wouldn’t have it any other way</em>.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. knock knock</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Woo! Next chapter! (Still M)</p><p>I also finally decided how many chapters I'm going to write, so the whole story is all planned out. I'm super stoked! </p><p>I hope y'all enjoy :)</p>
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    <p>
  <em>“Wow,” he whispered, his chest rising and falling rapidly and deeply as he worked to catch his breath.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She lifted her head up, bringing her lips to his once more before settling back on his chest and echoing his sentiment. “Wow’s right,” she replied, a smile taking over her face as her eyes glistened. “That was amazing. You are amazing,” she added as he pulled her up towards him and cuddled her in. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Mm, I love you, Nic,” he mumbled into her hair, pressing kisses to the side of her face, making her giggle. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I love you, too, Conrad,” she replied, that smile never leaving her face. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“And I’m not going anywhere. I’m here with you, and I’m here for good,” he reaffirmed, holding her tight to his body as she melted into him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m not going anywhere, either. I’m in this for good, too,” she added, her lips grazing across his neck. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Good, because we still have so much to do,” he teased, squeezing her ass and pulling one of her legs over his hips. She could already feel him half-hard against her thigh, and before she knew it his lips were on hers and she was drowning in their moans and sighs and heat. It was going to be a long night, but they wouldn’t have it any other way.</em>
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<hr/><p>They lost count of the number of times they both came—in bed, in the shower, against the little table by the corner of the room, in bed again, and <em>literally anywhere</em>. They were in their little bubble of bliss. The only thing they felt, heard, smelled, and saw was each other.</p><p>But the next morning, that bubble burst.</p><p>They had passed out together, Nic’s hair still damp from the shower, naked bodies holding each other, skin flush against skin, sometime very early in the morning, finally succumbing to their exhaustion. They were completely <em>out</em>, sheets tangled low around both of their hips as Conrad’s body wrapped around Nic’s, her back against his chest as they laid on their sides. His arms were around her, his fingertips against her soft skin, and his face was nuzzled in the space between her shoulder and her head.</p><p>
  <em>They were as close as two people could possibly be.</em>
</p><p>And they were<em> completely </em>exhausted.</p><p>Which is why neither of them heard Mina knock on their door that morning, ready to head to the airport. She had tried calling both of them. She went down to the front desk and asked if they had already checked out, but the man at the desk told her that there was no record of them leaving yet. She was both worried about them and a little annoyed that they simply didn’t tell her where they were. She knocked on the door again before heading down to the lobby, begging the man at the front desk to help investigate what had gone wrong. She was immensely concerned because of the speech Nic gave yesterday, as there were a few people who thought very poorly of her. She <em>knew</em> she was being irrational, but Nic was her best friend. <em>She needed to know that she was okay</em>.</p><p>But little did she know, <em>Nic was a hell of a lot better than just okay. </em>And so was Conrad.</p><p>Nic stirred softly, stretching out her limbs carefully, <em>noting how sore she was</em>, when she felt Conrad’s arms tighten around her. She hummed quietly as his lips left featherlight kisses on her neck and shoulder, and she whispered, “good morning.”</p><p>“Good morning, Nic,” he replied, his voice thick and gravelly with sleep, and just the sound alone sent a rush of heat to her core. She pressed her ass back into him, feeling him already hard and ready for her, and he groaned. He liked morning sex, but <em>morning sex with Nic?</em> <em>He fucking loved morning sex with Nic</em>.</p><p>She turned over in his arms so she was facing him, and their eyes met briefly. Her hair was everywhere, golden locks splaying out across the pillow, and her cheeks and neck were already rosy, flushed with desire. <em>She woke up wanting him</em>, and the thought of that alone almost did him in. He slipped a leg between hers, bending his knee up to press against her center, resulting in a low moan from her as she ground against him. He wrapped his arms around her tighter as she rolled them so she was on top.</p><p>“Well, isn’t this a <em>proper good morning</em> if I’ve ever seen one. Look at you, so beautiful,” he sighed, reaching up to cup her breast in her hand, the other reaching around to her back to pull her towards him.</p><p>“Mm, let me show you a <em>proper good morning</em>,” she whispered seductively, her hot breath on his neck. She slipped lower down his torso, fully underneath the sheets as her soft fingertips stroked him from base to tip.</p><p>“<em>Oh fuck,</em>” he groaned as he felt her lips against his aching member. He couldn’t see her, completely underneath the sheets, but he <em>relished</em> in her touch. She pressed soft kisses all the way up until she reached his tip. She blew a couple of breaths onto him until he grunted and bucked his hips up towards her. She giggled from under the sheets and he actually thought he’d die right then. <em>The reality of being with her like this was almost too much to process.</em></p><p>But it was <em>fucking perfect</em>. And he didn’t know how he <em>survived </em>this past year without her.</p><p>“Mm, enough teasing, <em>time for breakfast</em>,” she purred, lifting the sheets so she could look him in the eye before she took him in her mouth. <em>Hot. Wet. Perfect</em>.</p><p><em>She really was everything</em>.</p><p>His eyes fell shut as she bobbed up and down on him, fondling his balls with one of her hands while the other twisted around the bottom of his shaft. She released him for a moment to breathe and spread the wetness down so he was fully slick, but <em>she desperately needed to taste him again</em>, so she went right back to sucking him off. He thrust up to meet her, fucking her mouth and hitting deep in her throat with his tip. She moaned around him, and after that he was gone. White hot flashes burned through his eyes as desire radiated through every fiber of his body. She sucked and swallowed his release, milking him of every last drop before pressing kisses along his hipbones and up his stomach as he worked on catching his breath.</p><p>“<em>Fucking hell</em>, Nic, you really are––” he began, his voice hot and low.</p><p><em>But they were interrupted</em>.</p><p>And it was probably one of the most embarrassing moments they had ever experienced.</p><p>Their door flung open, and their hearts dropped.</p><p>Picture this: Mina Okafor. Front-desk guy. Two security officers. Panic. Four pairs of eyes. Four shocked expressions. One <em>terrifying</em> laugh from Mina (she literally never laughed like <em>that</em>). And two horrified, post-orgasmic souls in love just trying to enjoy their first morning <em>together</em>.</p><p>Nic hastily grabbed the sheets and pulled them up so she and Conrad were more covered, and he sat up close to her, covering each other’s bodies with their closeness. “Mina?!” they both exclaimed.</p><p>The two security officers and the man from the front desk immediately turned and left, trying to forget that they ever saw <em>that</em>. But Mina stayed. She placed her hand on her hip and arched her eyebrow.</p><p>“What the <em>fuck</em> was that?” Nic practically hissed, <em>completely mortified</em>.</p><p>“Well, well, <em>well</em>,” Mina teased, leaning against the doorframe, “and here I thought you were in <em>trouble</em>, but hot <em>damn </em>I didn’t realize what <em>kind of trouble </em>you had gotten into.”</p><p>“Are you done yet?” Nic asked, raising her eyebrow at Mina.</p><p>“Oh, I won’t be done for a <em>while</em>,” Mina teased again.</p><p>Nic glanced towards Conrad, her eyes wide and apologetic. Conrad brought his hand up along her spine, reassuring her that it was alright. She smiled back at him, and they were lost in each other again.</p><p>“Earth to lovebirds?!” Mina exclaimed, causing Conrad and Nic to snap their eyes and their attention back to her. “Jesus, you’re so in love it almost makes me sick.” They both blushed at that, Conrad finding Nic’s hand under the sheets and giving it a squeeze. <em>That we are,</em> they both thought “Also, Nic, thank you,” Mina added.</p><p>“For what?” Nic asked.</p><p>“Dr. Austin <em>so </em>owes me fifty bucks,” Mina replied.</p><p>“What does that have to–– No. You made a bet on… <em>this</em>?” Nic asked, connecting Mina’s dots.</p><p>“Ah, ah, <em>I won </em>a bet on <em>this</em>,” Mina replied, leaning in a little for emphasis, causing Nic to pull the sheet up higher over her naked body. “Anyway, what I was saying before you both <em>zoned out </em>looking at each other was that our flight leaves in an hour and a half, so if you want to make it back to Atlanta in the near future, I suggest you get a move on––and I don’t mean in a sexual way––”</p><p>“We got it, thanks Mina,” Conrad replied, making Nic giggle. His eyes flicked back to Nic, unable to contain his gaze and smile at her when she laughed like that.</p><p>“Well, thanks for the show, you two crazy kids! Be in the lobby in thirty minutes or I’m leaving without you for real,” Mina stated before stepping out of their hotel room and shutting the door.</p><p>Nic and Conrad released the breath they were both holding and looked back towards each other. There were a few seconds of silence before they both burst out laughing at the hilarity of the situation. <em>Mina Okafor walked in on them right after Nic had just given Conrad the best blowjob of his life</em>.</p><p>“Well…” Nic began, “we only have <em>thirty minutes, </em>so we have to be <em>efficient</em>…”</p><p>“Well… we <em>both</em> need to shower,” Conrad added.</p><p>“What are we waiting for?” she asked, her sultry soft voice back.</p><p>“Don’t think Mina’s going to be in there waiting?” he teased, pulling the sheet from her hands, exposing her naked creamy skin.</p><p>“Come on, we <em>watched her leave</em>,” she replied, leaning back into his embrace as his hands slipped around and settled on her stomach, tracing lazy circles around her skin.</p><p>“Did you <em>expect her to just pop in this morning</em>, though?” he asked, kissing her shoulder as his hands migrated up her torso.</p><p>“<em>Certainly not</em>,” she replied, her voice already breathless, “but it’s a risk I’m willing to take if it means I get to have my way with you.” She felt his hands leave her body for a second, and as soon as she turned around to find his warmth again, he scooped her up and stood up off the bed. She squealed and giggled, and <em>he swore he died and went to heaven last night</em> because he’d never <em>ever</em> heard her make a noise like <em>that</em>. It was completely involuntary. <em>Completely, undoubtedly, unequivocally happy</em>. Joyous. <em>Pure happiness</em>.</p><p>It made him smile and kiss her absolutely everywhere as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He walked them into the bathroom and set her down. Her smile was bright and wide, her hair was wild from sleeping on it wet, and her previously pristine porcelain skin was speckled around her hips, chest, and neck with various shades of purple and red from last night and this morning. <em>And she was absolutely stunning</em>.</p><p>His hair was also mess, his eyebrows all wonky, and he had his fair share of little purple and red marks. <em>And she loved every single part of him</em>.</p><p>After taking the necessary time to just <em>look</em> at each other (which they simply couldn’t get enough of), they stepped into the shower. Kissing, lathering, rinsing. They were lost in each other, but the pressure of the time got the better of them, and they eventually shut off the water, dried each other off, and got dressed (though they <em>really </em>didn’t want to). They had already packed most of their things, Conrad having done the majority of that task the other morning when Nic was working on her speech for the conference, so within ten minutes they were fully packed and ready to meet Mina in the lobby. Nic worked on getting her and Conrad’s tickets loaded on their phones, so she was holding both phones while Conrad was carrying both her and his suitcases. They managed to beat Mina down to the lobby, so they waited, Nic leaning her head onto his shoulder, still working away at the check-in process for the flight, and Conrad watched her.</p><p>She made the most adorable face when she concentrated: her eyebrows pulled together slightly, her bottom lip just a little pouty, and her nose a tad bit scrunched up. Conrad couldn’t help but lean down and kiss her cheek quickly, making her blush and giggle. “Hey mister, behave,” she playfully scolded.</p><p>“What? <em>That </em>was innocent. And I can’t help it when you look so damn cute,” he replied, causing her eyes to lift and meet his.</p><p>“<em>Innocent?</em>” she asked, raising her eyebrows. “I don’t think you know what that word means.”</p><p>“Hm, well, last night certainly no,” he teased, causing Nic’s skin to flush with color. <em>She knows very well how not innocent he can be</em>.</p><p>“Shut up, silly, you’re distracting me,” she chuckled, tearing her gaze away from him to focus back on her task.</p><p>He pulled her in close, her head resting on his upper chest, and she felt the laughter in his body.</p><p>“I love you,” they both breathed at the same time, causing their gaze to meet again. Slow sweet smiles spread across their faces, and they looked around to see if anybody was around and paying any sort of attention, and when they determined that they were pretty much alone, their lips met. The whole world fell away, and they practically forgot where they were. <em>Who knew a simple kiss could be so damn powerful</em>.</p><p>They pulled apart, Nic almost breathless as Conrad squeezed her in even a little closer. They were completely oblivious to the fact that Mina had entered the lobby and was walking towards them until she was standing right next to them.</p><p>“Well, when are you going to tell me how <em>this </em>happened?” Mina asked, gesturing between the two of them as they stepped apart slightly. “Also, you’re not fooling me. Two <em>friends</em> or <em>colleagues</em> don’t just sleep in the same bed naked, so don’t try to pull any of that bullshit,” she added, arching her eyebrows at the both of them.</p><p>“Let’s get to the airport first, then I promise, we’ll tell you all about it,” Nic replied, trying her best to stifle her laughter. Conrad’s hand slid down her spine and rested down at her lower back. She felt a flurry of butterflies set free inside of her <em>just from his simple touch alone</em>. She missed this. <em>Them</em>. <em>Him</em>. And she’d be a damn fool to let him go again.</p><p>He missed her. Touching her freely, feeling her skin and her heat. Knowing that she loves him and that he loves her. Putting things in the open and talking about their feelings. He’d be a damn fool to let her go again.</p><p>“If you promise to not leave out anything important––” Mina began.</p><p>“Mina, you’re our friend. Of course we’d want to share this with you,” Conrad replied. <em>Softie</em>, Nic thought. “Plus, you walked in on us this morning. There’s practically nothing that we <em>could</em> leave out because you’d probably already <em>seen</em> it,” he added, making Nic blush again as she leaned her head onto him.</p><p>“Okay, enough about <em>that</em>, let’s get going!” Nic remarked, slipping Conrad’s phone in his front pocket as she grabbed her own suitcase from his side. Mina nodded, and Nic handed her their room key so she could take it along with her own to the front desk and check out.</p><p>Right as Mina turned around, Nic brought her hands up to his face and kissed his cheek, lingering there for a moment and whispering, “your place or mine?”</p><p>Conrad’s eyebrows shot up, feeling a rush of heat course through his body. “Doesn’t matter so long as I’m with you,” he replied, brushing his nose against hers.</p><p>Her heart stopped, and she was left speechless. Conrad took that opportunity to press another chaste kiss to her lips. “But… my place <em>is </em>closer to the airport, so…” he began again.</p><p>“Yep, your place it is. <em>This is going to be one long flight</em>,” she replied.</p><p>“Mm, get some rest then, <em>you’ll need it</em>,” he responded quickly after her, kissing her once more as she erupted into a fit of giggles.</p><p>Nic slept the entire flight back to Atlanta, her head resting on Conrad’s shoulder, their fingers interlaced together. They stumbled together into his apartment after bidding Mina farewell at the airport, and their suitcases barely made it inside before they were all over each other again––spending the lazy afternoon together between the sheets, getting reacquainted with each other and taking all the time they needed.</p><p>
  <em>They were really, truly, finally where they were supposed to be.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. harder, wetter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>One more smutty chapter before we dive back into the angst 😈</p><p>Hope you enjoy!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Weeks passed, and they spend nearly every single night together. They couldn’t get enough even if they tried. But at the hospital? They were <em>friends, coworkers, and the best damn MD/NP team around</em>. Nobody knew about their relationship even though it had been about a month since New York.</p><p>But some days at Chastain were much longer than others. And some days, they needed each other in more ways than <em>friends, coworkers, or the best damn MD/NP team around</em>.</p><p>And that brings us to Valentine’s day.</p><p>Stolen glances, touches, and a couple kisses throughout the day just weren’t enough. But they both knew that they were going to have to work for at least another eight hours. And it was already four in the afternoon. No Valentine’s day dinner plans for them. <em>But that didn’t mean that they couldn’t figure something else out. </em></p><p>Nic was walking down the hallway, a patient chart in her hands, <em>and that was when she knew he was there</em>. She felt her skin tingle and her breath falter. <em>The effect this man had on her was astounding. </em>She turned around, and there he was. Strutting towards her like she was the only person in the entire hospital.</p><p>“Guess who’s on a break?” he asked, his voice low and quiet.</p><p>“Mm, me,” Nic replied, flashing a smirk at him.</p><p>“Yeah, you <em>and </em>me,” he replied, raising his eyebrows, “would you look at that, our downtime is <em>finally </em>synced up.”</p><p>“Hm, it <em>has </em>been a <em>while</em>,” she teased, walking around the nurses’ station desk and placing the digital chart down.</p><p>“Our Chief Resident Dr. Benjamin is away at a medical conference, and I may or may not have gotten my hands on the keys to his office,” he said lowly, pulling out a key from his pocket and sliding it across the counter.</p><p>“With a sofa and a locking door?” she asked playfully.</p><p>“<em>Shower</em> and a locking door,” he corrected, watching her expression shift, her chocolate orbs now clouded with lust.</p><p>“Well, <em>what are we waiting for?”</em> she asked, grabbing the key and walking back around to stand next to Conrad.</p><p>“For you to figure out that it’s time for me to remind you how much I love you,” he replied, smiling at her as she melted at his words.</p><p>“Conrad…” she began, intertwining her fingers with his as she turned down the hall with him, unlocking the door to Dr. Benjamin’s office. They both stepped inside, locking the door again before they kissed each other into oblivion.</p><p>He pressed her against the wall, placing open-mouthed kisses around her lips and down her neck. He nipped and sucked her skin, teeth grazing her collarbone before he soothed the spot with his tongue.</p><p>“I swear, if you leave a mark, Conrad Hawkins—” she began, her voice low and filled with lust.</p><p>“Like the one you left on me?” he teased, stepping back and pulling his shirt up off and over his head to reveal a dark purple bruise just underneath his collarbone. She put her hand up against her mouth to hide her surprise, but he grabbed it and moved it away so he could kiss her. “I’ll be gentle,” he mumbled into her mouth, still hungrily devouring her lips.</p><p>“<em>You know what? You better not be</em>,” she replied, grabbing the hem of her scrub top and lifting it off as he broke the kiss, surprised by her remark. She began her way to the private bathroom in the office, turning back around to see him still standing where she left him. “Come in here and <em>show me how much you love me. Properly</em>,” she whispered, leaning against the doorframe.</p><p>“<em>Shit</em>, Nic,” he replied. “<em>Damn</em> you’re so hot,” he added, walking towards her as she spun around to face him. He pulled her pager from her scrub bottoms and he did the same with his as well, placing them on the door of the shower. When he turned back around, she was <em>completely naked</em>. His breath caught in his throat a bit as he took her in. <em>He’d never tire of seeing her like this</em>.</p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>,” he groaned as his gaze trailed up her whole body, making her shiver in anticipation.</p><p>“Your turn,” she whispered as she brought her face next to his, her hot breath against his ear. Her hands slid down his toned torso down to his jeans. He crashed his lips back onto hers as her fingers worked to remove his belt and unbutton his pants. Her hands stilled when his fingers found her breasts and began massaging her flesh. She tossed her head back, a small moan escaping her throat, and Conrad pressed his lips against her neck, relishing the newly exposed real estate, and she began her task again, undoing his jeans fully and pushing them down over his ass.</p><p>He kicked off his shoes and socks, and he stepped out of his jeans as Nic stepped into the shower, turning it on and adjusting the temperature. The sight of her, naked, one arm stretched out against the glass shower door as she swayed her hips playfully <em>nearly</em> <em>did him in right then</em>.</p><p>She looked back towards him, his breath heavy, eyes dark, cock standing proud and ready. The sight of him like that <em>nearly did her in right then</em>. A small sigh escaped her before he stepped towards her, walking her back into the shower, letting the warm stream coat her already boiling skin. Steam began to fill the room as their passion increased, lips and hands trailing around wet skin. He pressed her back against the cool tiles of the shower wall, nipping and sucking down her neck to the curve of her shoulder as she moaned quietly.</p><p>“<em>God</em>, <em>harder</em>,” she groaned, arching her back to push herself against him more firmly, her voice echoing off the shower walls.</p><p>“I thought you <em>didn’t </em>want me to leave a mark,” he teased, his tongue chasing the water drops down her chest.</p><p>“Yeah well, <em>I changed my mind</em>,” she replied, her voice thick with sex and desire. “I need you,” she practically mewled.</p><p>“You sure?” he asked through his breath, flicking his gaze up to meet hers, his hand holding her face to make sure she was completely with him.</p><p>“I’m sure, Conrad,” she replied, pulling him close with her hands around his waist. He stopped them again, though, a hint of worry against his eyes. “Hey, what’s going on inside your head right now?” she asked sweetly.</p><p>“I, um, just don’t want to hurt you,” he replied, running his fingers through his wet hair, spiking it up and making it stick out all over the place. <em>Focus, Nic</em>, she thought to herself.</p><p>“Conrad Hawkins, you could never <em>ever </em>hurt me, okay? <em>I want this</em>. And I will <em>always </em>say something if it’s too much. I want you to know that you can do––<em>should do––</em>the same. If this isn’t what you want to do, that is completely okay,” she replied, her hands drifting up his back and interlacing around his neck.</p><p>“I love you,” he practically growled as he captured her lips in a searing kiss. “<em>I want this, too</em>,” he added, sucking hard on her pulse point. She gasped as she felt his voice reverberate through her entire skeleton and his lips and tongue pull on her skin.</p><p>He pressed his weight into her, making his need for her <em>very </em>apparent. She gripped his hair in her fist and pulled him back up to meet her lips. She bit and sucked his bottom lip, causing him to groan and grunt as he ground his arousal against her mound.</p><p>She released his lip from her mouth’s clutch and muttered a deep “<em>fuck</em>,” at the feeling of him. “Conrad…” she warned, her voice low, “I need––” she began before he lifted her so she wrapped her legs around his waist. “––<em>You</em>,” she finished, not spoken, but rather, <em>moaned</em> as she felt his tip pressed against her clit.</p><p>“Hold on tight,” he said, the smirk reaching his voice. Before she had the chance to come up with a quippy remark back, he thrust into her, <em>deep</em>, immediately filling her with <em>all of him</em>. Then, he stayed there, fully inside of her, catching his breath as she whimpered. The feeling of him was always overwhelming in the most desirable way. <em>Almost too much but also somehow perfect. Exactly what she wanted. What she needed</em>. She stretched around him, her body still trying to take in his welcome intrusion, but she needed more. She needed him to fuck her so she couldn’t walk straight. She needed him to <em>start moving right now</em>.</p><p>She circled her hips, trying all that she could to urge him to go. <em>But he wasn’t</em>. He stood there, leaning his weight into her, his cock completely enveloped by her hot, wet walls.</p><p>“<em>Conrad</em>,” she pleaded, her voice coming out breathier and a little more desperate than she had intended.</p><p>“Just a minute,” he replied, his voice low and sexy.</p><p>“What are you––” she began before he interrupted her by thrusting hard and fast into her, catching her completely off guard and making her nearly scream.</p><p>“<em>Happy fucking Valentine’s Day, Nic,</em>” he groaned before scraping his teeth down her neck and latching onto her collarbone. She dug her nails into his back, leaving angry red marks down his skin as he continued his intensely fast and hard rhythm.</p><p>“<em>Fuck. Me. Harder</em>,” she moaned against the side of his face. He adjusted his feet slightly, holding her ass and pressing her against the wall, <em>hard</em> before slamming into her harder than he was before. “God, <em>yes</em>,” she panted, responding immediately to the slight change in angle and depth of his thrusts. He sucked just underneath her jaw as one of his hands found her nipple and pinched and rolled it, making her moan and squeeze her legs around his waist as her walls fluttered around his cock.</p><p>The hand he had on her breast slid down her body until he found the place they were joined. His fingers pressed and pinched here and there, <em>almost where she needed him</em>. But he pulled all the way out of her, placing her back on the ground so she was standing on her own two feet.</p><p>“Bend over,” he commanded, and she obliged happily, his tone igniting a flame deep within her core. She began to spread her legs, but he stilled her. “Just like that,” he whispered to her, his hot breath on her neck. He pulled her ass cheeks apart as he found her entrance with his cock, and with one hand on her breast while the other meandered between her legs, he filled her again. Hard and fast. She moaned and threw her head back as he hammered into her over and over, pinching her flesh and nipping at her shoulder. <em>It was so much sensation all at once</em>. And then pleasure took over. She squeezed her legs closer together with his next thrust, and he cursed and groaned at the tightness and <em>friction</em>, and thank <em>fuck</em> she was already gone because he could feel his rhythm getting messy as his own release rapidly approached.</p><p><em>White. Hot. Flashes</em>. Her skin burned with the sensation of <em>him</em> everywhere. <em>Inside her. Behind her. Around her. Everywhere</em>. Her cries of ecstasy were mixed with her cries at the way his teeth clamped around her shoulder when he came next.</p><p>As soon as they got their bearings again, and the sound of the water returned to their ears after being practically deafened by their orgasms, he soothed her skin with his tongue and hands. Her legs were shaking, her body still gripping and clenching onto him as ripples of her aftershocks still quaked inside of her. She was gasping for air, her knuckles white from the way she clenched her fists, and she felt him slip from inside of her, a rush of their mixed desire running down her legs. She stood up, turning around to meet his eyes––a mixed expression of pleasure, love, and worry that he went too far.</p><p>She reached up to his face, her breath still heavy as she pressed her lips to his. “<em>That </em>was incredible,” she whispered after pulling away for a brief moment.</p><p>“Not too much?” he asked, still a tad bit worried.</p><p>“Not too much,” she replied, a smile stretching across her face, “<em>you’re perfect</em>. And happy Valentine’s Day to you, too.”</p><p>They rinsed each other’s bodies, kissing and touching lovingly and softly––in complete contrast to what they were doing and how they were touching just mere minutes ago. She <em>loved</em> that she could have it both ways. Sometimes, she needed to be fucked. And sometimes, she needed to be cuddled and caressed. <em>And lucky for her, Conrad was everything</em>. And he felt the same. Sometimes he needed release. And sometimes, he wanted to get lost in her. <em>And lucky for him, she was everything.</em></p><p>They dried each other off, giggling and laughing like two soulmates––<em>young and very in love</em>. They dressed again, taking their sweet time before they both received pages, the shrill beeping filling the room just like their moans had before. He grabbed both pagers from the shower door, holding hers out to her as she tied her wet hair back into a bun. He ran his fingers through his hair a few times, trying to put it back into place from when Nic gripped and pulled it this way and that.</p><p>“Ready?” he asked, leaning in to kiss her once more.</p><p>“Ready,” she replied, meeting him halfway and pressing her lips to his in a lingering kiss.</p><p>They stepped out of the office, both walking their separate ways so as to avoid much suspicion for their whereabouts. Nic met up with Mina as she walked to the room she was paged to, and Conrad found Devon.</p><p>“Hey Nic!” Mina exclaimed as Nic smiled and waved to her. “Are you still good to meet with exec about the clinic tomorrow?” she asked, stepping close to Nic’s side. She then paused, giving her a puzzling look as she asked, “why is your hair wet?”</p><p>“Tomorrow sounds great,” Nic replied, “and I, um, just took a shower in the call room. I was feeling a little nasty from today’s work, and I had a break, so I took advantage of it.” She felt herself blush, and she couldn’t stop it. Mina arched an eyebrow at her, and Nic moved to step past Mina, but she stopped her.</p><p>“You took a shower<em>, alone, </em>on<em> Valentine’s Day</em>? Do you really expect me to believe that?” Mina teased, just before Conrad rounded the corner with Devon, the same question of “did you take a shower? Where the hell did you take a shower?” out of his mouth.</p><p>Nic blushed, <em>hard</em>, just seeing Conrad knowing what had just transpired a few short minutes ago.</p><p>Mina leaned towards Nic, whispering, “I know <em>exactly</em> what went on, and you <em>absolutely cannot deny it now</em>.”</p><p>Nic giggled and playfully shoved Mina’s shoulder, trying to pull her mind from where it was: thinking about his hands, lips, and cock all over her, inside of her, and around her.</p><p>“Hey guys!” Devon exclaimed innocently, “Woah, what’s with everyone taking showers today? And why don’t I know where these secret showers are?” he asked, noting Nic’s also wet hair. Conrad’s eyes widened at the sight of her and at the situation. <em>He wanted her so bad right then</em>, but they were still not wanting to tell anybody yet. It was still too early, and they loved living in their own little world: no expectations, no fears, no demons of the past to define them.</p><p>“I–– um––” Nic stumbled, until she got another page. She pulled her pager out and checked it, noting that it was from Mina. She glanced up at Mina, and she offered a small smile. “Hey, sorry Dev, I have to go,” she lied, ducking around the corner and silently thanking Mina from saving her ass right then.</p><p>“Oh, okay, see you!” Devon remarked, turning back to Conrad as they continued their conversation. Mina knew that they were still <em>figuring things out</em> (sort of). More like figuring out <em>how</em> and <em>exactly when</em> to tell their friends. But for now, she wanted to help them keep things the way they wanted them.</p><p>She knew how much those two meant to each other, and she was determined to help in any way.</p><p>Because soulmates often are absolutely stupid around each other––just like Nic and Conrad were. But with a little gentle nudge and some perfectly planned string-pulling, they were finding their way back together. And it was powerful and beautiful and <em>perfect</em>.</p><p>But, nothing seems to last forever. Right?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. too much</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>So sorry this one is so short and that it took so long! Life's been pretty crazy recently... </p><p>I promise the next one will be longer and better!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey kiddos!” Conrad exclaimed, stretching his arms out and bending down so he was on one knee on the floor.</p><p>“Dr. Conrad! Dr. Conrad!” two young boys exclaimed, running towards Conrad and attacking him in rapid embraces.</p><p>“How are you guys doing? Staying out of trouble?” he asked, his voice animated as he stood up and his eyes fell on a young brunette woman. <em>Zoey Barnett. </em>And her two boys, Jasper and Henry.</p><p>“I’ve been so good, I got to have <em>two</em> scoops of ice cream last night,” the younger boy, Jasper, exclaimed, holding up two fingers for emphasis.</p><p>“Wow! You must have been <em>extra</em> good if you got <em>two whole scoops!”</em> Conrad replied, making the little boy nod quickly and excitedly. “And what about you, little man?” he asked, turning his attention towards Henry.</p><p>“I had my first baseball game yesterday, and my team won! I did this super sick slide into home, and my mom caught it on video. Show him, mom, show him!” Henry replied, tugging on his mom’s sleeve as she chuckled and pulled out her phone, searching for the video.</p><p>“And you? How are you doing, Zoey?” he asked, his voice soft and caring.</p><p>She flicked her gaze up to meet his, “I’m doing alright, Conrad, thank you. Here’s the video of Henry,” she replied, leaning towards him to show Henry sliding into home just a fraction of a second before the ball was caught.</p><p>“That’s wicked, buddy! Up top!” Conrad exclaimed, looking back towards Henry and holding his hand up so he could high-five him. Henry jumped and slapped his hand, eliciting a fit of laughter from everyone.</p><p>Nic stood leaning against the doorframe, <em>just watching</em>. He was so good with those kids. He was good with pretty much every single kid, actually. But there was something about those two kids in particular. He had known that family for a couple years. <em>It was something that ate her up inside</em>. Because it represented the <em>what if</em>. It represented what they <em>could</em> have had. <em>Right in front of her goddamn face all the fucking time</em>. It forced her to think that she was just existing in this bubble of pleasure and bliss with him. <em>That it wasn't real</em>. Because bubbles are meant to burst, right? There was a reason why they weren’t sharing their relationship with anyone, right? There was always that miscarriage. The fact that they <em>didn’t </em>have the child they shared. <em>The fact that maybe they could never have children together</em>.</p><p>“What brings you all in today?” he asked, following up, breaking Nic’s trance as she turned around and left the hallway, tears in her eyes.</p><p>“Jasper has been coughing all week––something about a bug going around at school? Most of the other kids seemed to get better after a couple of days, but he just doesn’t seem to be getting any better, and it’s been a week, so I’m a little worried,” Zoey explained, her eyes locked on Jasper.</p><p>“It’s a good thing you brought him in, Zoey,” Conrad replied, looking down to Jasper, “we’ll get you checked out and feeling better, okay?” he said in a soft voice to the young boy.</p><p>“Thanks, Conrad,” Zoey breathed as Conrad guided them into the exam room.</p><p>“My pleasure, <em>as always</em>, Zoey,” he replied softly, trying to keep her calm for Jasper’s sake.</p><p>Zoey smiled sweetly at him as he closed the door to the room.</p>
<hr/><p>Nic was an emotional <em>mess</em>. She was furious, and she was furious that she was furious. She was upset, and she was upset that she was upset. She stepped out of Chastain for a moment, finding a bench out front and taking a seat, closing her eyes and feeling a couple tears slipping out from her eyes. She knew she felt empty after her miscarriage, but seeing how much Conrad loved those kids made her feel all the more empty. <em>And selfish as hell</em>. He wanted to start a family. She knew that. <em>She fucking knows that</em>. And she <em>also knows</em> that <em>she might not be able to have children</em>.</p><p>It’s irrational. It’s emotional. <em>It’s too fucking much</em>.</p><p>And Zoey. <em>Zoey fucking Barnett</em>. She knew that he was close with her, but because he loved those kids, is it possible that <em>he loves her, too</em>? Should he love Zoey instead of her?</p><p>It’s irrational. It’s emotional. <em>It’s too fucking much</em>.</p><p>She collects herself, not wanting to break down at work, and goes back in, putting back up those walls she had spent years building. <em>She fucking knew it was too good to be true. She fucking knew she shouldn’t have torn down those walls</em>.</p><p>But was this making sense?</p><p>Would Conrad do that to her?</p><p>No.</p><p>
  <em>Maybe?</em>
</p><p>She doesn’t know anymore.</p><p>She did this to herself. <em>She lost their goddamn baby.</em> And she knew she was going to have to live with that for the rest of her life. But she wasn’t expecting it to run into her so quickly.</p><p>It’s irrational. It’s emotional. <em>It’s too fucking much</em>.</p><p>She walked over to one of the computers at the nurses’ station, her hands just hovering over the keys. <em>She felt like she was in a dream</em>, floating, endlessly. <em>But not a good dream</em>. No, this was a nightmare. <em>A motherfucking nightmare</em>.</p><p>“Hey,” a voice said, snapping her back into reality, “hey, you okay?” the voice continued. She lifted her gaze to meet the only pair of eyes she so desperately wanted to not see right now: Conrad Hawkins’ eyes. His soft, sweet goddamn brown eyes.</p><p>“Yeah, Conrad, I’m fine,” she replied, her voice curt and a little harsh. She gathered a tablet so she could pull up a patient’s chart, and she practically bolted down the hall.</p><p>“Nic?” he asked, following after her. He was worried. <em>What was happening? Everything was fine this morning.</em></p><p>“Conrad, I’m fine,” she repeated, her voice biting through her teeth.</p><p>“Nic, you <em>aren’t </em>fine,” he said, his tone sharp as he grabbed her wrist, halting her movement. “What’s going on?” he asked gently.</p><p>“<em>Conrad, I said I’m fine,”</em> she bit back. She was upset, and she was upset she was upset. And she didn’t want to make him upset. So, she needed <em>space</em>. She needed to get away from him. “I just need a minute,” she added, her voice softer. <em>Please</em>, she thought. <em>Please understand</em>. Please understand that it’s irrational. Please understand that it’s emotional. <em>Please understand it’s too fucking much</em>.</p><p>Conrad looked over her, his thumb caressing her hand. <em>She looked broken</em>. <em>She looked almost as broken as the day––</em></p><p><em>She needed space</em>.</p><p>“Okay,” he replied, practically holding his breath. “Will I see you after––” he began.</p><p>“I’m going to stay at my place tonight,” she interrupted.</p><p>“Okay,” he replied again, feeling hurt by her response, but feeling even more hurt by the fact that <em>she couldn’t tell him what was going on</em>.</p><p>It’s irrational. It’s emotional. <em>It’s too fucking much</em>.</p><p><em>Everything was going well until it wasn’t</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. done</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>So... I'm just going to leave this one here...</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Two weeks.</p><p>
  <em>Two fucking weeks of this silence and avoidance.</em>
</p><p>Two weeks too long.</p><p>He tried talking to her, but she always replied with “I’m fine,” and “don’t worry,” and “you didn’t <em>do</em> anything wrong.” But he felt like he goddamn did <em>something </em>wrong. Because they were almost further apart than before they got back together. And it was driving him absolutely crazy. <em>Because he needed her like he needed oxygen.</em> She was his <em>everything</em>.</p><p>She had her space.</p><p>She had her time.</p><p>And he couldn’t spend another second in this weird limbo zone.</p><p>That’s when she found him on her front porch, leaned against the front of her house. “Hey,” he said softly.</p><p>She froze. <em>He was there</em>. As much as she felt like she needed to stay away from him, <em>she goddamn needed him</em>. But it hurt like hell because <em>she’d never fully have him</em>. She couldn’t let what happened go, and so she could never let him fully love her. She could never truly believe that he loved her. Especially when she saw him with Zoey and her kids. <em>Her and her goddamn kids</em>. Their <em>big what if</em>. Their <em>almost</em>. The exact opposite of their reality.</p><p>“Conrad,” she breathed, debating whether to approach him. <em>If she got any closer, she would probably run into his arms, her body taking control and being where she so desperately wanted to be</em>. She could still feel the way his arms wrapped around her, held her, made her feel safe. She could still feel his kisses––the soft ones in the early morning, the quick ones in quiet corners of the hospital, the passionate ones as they made love, the completely Conrad ones like when she was brushing her teeth and he attacked her with his lips, making a mess of the white minty paste all over her lips, or when he would drink an iced coffee and kiss her, sliding his cool tongue over her warm one. She could still feel him <em>around her</em>, <em>inside of her</em>, <em>everywhere</em>. He was behind her eyelids as she went to sleep in her bed that felt all too large and all too cold without him. He was in her mind as she showered, reaching for her shampoo next to a bottle of his that sat perfectly placed in her bathroom. That goddamn second toothbrush that remained propped up next to hers, reminding her of <em>how easily he belonged in her life</em> and just how <em>everywhere</em> he was.</p><p>She stopped just in front of the steps to her porch. The grey overcast sky mirroring exactly how they were both feeling. <em>Grey. Empty. Alone</em>. She could see that he was a bit disheveled. He was always extremely put together, and to the unaware observer, he <em>looked</em> completely fine. But <em>she noticed everything</em>. She noticed how the laces on his shoes were uneven. She noticed how the top button on his shirt was undone. She noticed how a few pieces of his short brown hair stuck out in a way she knew he hated. <em>She noticed how broken and hurt and confused he looked</em>.</p><p>“Nic,” he breathed in response, her name one of the sweetest things he had ever tasted. <em>He fucking loves her</em>. <em>Why was she pushing him away?</em> He wanted to move towards her and hold her. <em>He could see how broken and hurt and confused she looked</em>.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” she asked, her voice small.</p><p>“Nic, it’s been two weeks,” he began, pushing himself off the wall he was leaning against, stepping tentatively towards her, “I needed to make sure you were okay. I’m worried about you.”</p><p>“Well, as much as I appreciate the concern, <em>I’m fine</em>,” she replied, taking a step back.</p><p>“Nic, <em>please</em>,” he practically pleaded. <em>She had never seen him like that</em>. It hurt <em>deep</em> inside her soul. It hurt like she’d never felt before. <em>It was an entirely new level of pain</em>. And she couldn’t stand that she was doing this to him. <em>He needed to leave before he hurt her more</em>. <em>She had to push him away</em>.</p><p>“Conrad, you should go,” she said coldly, her voice distant and <em>so not her own</em>. <em>Who the fuck was she right now?</em></p><p>“Nic, I’m not leaving this time. <em>I gave you two weeks, and it’s been eating me up</em>,” he replied, raising his voice slightly and noticing her flinch at his emotions cracking through him.</p><p>“That is exactly why <em>you need to go</em>,” she repeated, “all I do is <em>hurt you</em>.”</p><p>“What on earth are you talking about?” he asked, completely clueless as to what she meant.</p><p>“Don’t you see? I’m doing this <em>to protect you!</em>” she exclaimed, stepping back again as he took two steps towards her. They were now standing in the middle of her little driveway, and the muted grey sky turned into a dark black, rain threatening to break the cloud-barrier at any moment.</p><p>“<em>To protect me? </em>Protect me from what?” he asked, still confused, “where is this coming from?”</p><p>“<em>God,</em> you still really don’t get it,” she muttered.</p><p>“Nic, <em>explain it to me</em>,” he pleaded again.</p><p>“You’re fooling yourself thinking you’re in love with me, Conrad,” she began, causing his face to contort into an expression of disgust and anger and sadness all wrapped up in one. “You maybe <em>want </em>to be in love with me, but <em>I don’t know if I can give you something that I know you want</em>. And you don’t deserve that.”</p><p>“Nic, don’t be cryptic, and don’t <em>assume</em> what I am feeling. Especially like this. Where is this coming from?” he replied, trying not to just scream how much he really loved her. <em>How he has only ever loved her</em>. <em>How she is fucking everything</em>.</p><p>“Conrad–– I just–– I <em>can’t</em>,” she practically whimpered, her eyes glassy and wet, a single tear sliding down her cheek and rolling down her neck.</p><p>“<em>You can’t what, Nic</em>?” he asked, <em>so desperate</em>.</p><p>“I <em>can’t be responsible for you not ever finding true happiness</em>. Do you even understand how guilty I would feel <em>knowing </em>full well that you could have had a different life where you would probably be ten thousand times happier than you are and ever would be with me, and I was responsible for <em>taking that away</em>? Conrad, that is a <em>horrible thing to do</em>,” she replied, reaching her arms around her torso and holding herself. <em>She was holding herself together as much as she could</em>.</p><p>“You are not <em>taking my happiness away, </em>Nic, <em>you bring happiness and light into my life</em>,” he replied, his voice soft and caring, yet still with a hint of sadness and a twinge of <em>something else</em> (guilt?).</p><p>“Conrad, <em>I can’t do this</em>,” she whispered.</p><p>“Why? Why now? Why throw <em>everything </em>we had away now? <em>What fucking happened, Nic</em>?” he asked, the softness in his voice dissipating as the rainstorm began to pick up speed. His eyes conveyed the hurt and the pain and the <em>goddamn guilt</em> in him. <em>What the fuck was wrong with both of them?</em></p><p>“Two weeks ago, I saw you with Zoey and her two kids and just <em>the way you are with them reminded me of how perfect you are to be a father</em>. Those kids love you. <em>And you love them, too</em>. And I’m standing in your way to something perfect and lovely for you,” she replied, her voice raising, too. “So <em>I can’t fucking do this anymore because I feel so goddamn guilty!</em>”</p><p>“Why the hell do you feel guilty? And I do not <em>love </em>those kids or Zoey! How could you even think that? That I would profess my love to you endlessly <em>every goddamn day</em> and then just go and flirt with someone else and fall in love with her kids <em>who are my patients</em>?” he asked in a flurry.</p><p>“Because you need to be with someone like her who can give you the family and the life you <em>fucking deserve</em>!” she screamed, her wet hair slapping across her cheeks as tears mixed with the rain and cascaded down her cheeks.</p><p>“I don’t fucking <em>want anything</em> with Zoey! <em>Goddamnit, Nic</em>, can’t you just fucking understand that <em>you </em>are the <em>only one I ever want</em>?!” he shouted in response, stepping closer to her as she froze. “I don’t want anything if it’s not with you,” he repeated, his voice quieting.</p><p>“<em>Conrad, you want a family</em>,” she practically whispered, unable to lift her eyes and meet his.</p><p>“<em>Nic, </em>I don’t need that. <em>You</em> are my family now. <em>You are everything</em>. Sure, kids are great, <em>but nothing could ever replace you</em>. I don’t know where this insecurity is coming from, but you have to know that I absolutely fucking need you.<em> I want to spend every second of every day for the rest of my life with you</em>. That’s how much <em>you </em>mean to me, Nic,” he replied, his voice wavering as he watched her shudder, maybe from the cold and maybe from their exchange.</p><p>“<em>I don’t want to take this away from you, Conrad,</em>” she added, “I’m giving you an out. I’m giving you the opportunity to find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. Someone who can give you a family. Someone who you don’t have to settle for.”</p><p>“Nic, did you not hear what I just said? <em>You are everything to me</em>. I love you so fucking much. The way you love me is so much more than I could possibly deserve or imagine. <em>You are not someone who someone else settles for</em>. I am the luckiest fucking person because of you. <em>You are worthy of being loved, Nic</em>,” he replied, stepping closer to her again, the rain falling slower now, droplets still hanging from their faces as she finally met his eyes.</p><p>“<em>And you are worthy of so much more</em>,” she added, her voice cracking and breaking before she turned away and felt a bubbling of sobs about to burst through her chest.</p><p>“Nic, I’m not good at what I’m about to do, but I’m going to try anyways. Will you let me try?” he asked softly, causing her to turn around slowly. <em>This is it,</em> she thought. <em>We’re done</em>.</p><p><em>We’re really done</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. choice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Current mood: stress-writing</p><p>Italicized chunks are from previous chapters</p><p>I hope you enjoy :)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“Conrad, you want a family,” she practically whispered, unable to lift her eyes and meet his.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Nic, I don’t need that. You are my family now. You are everything. Sure, kids are great, but nothing could ever replace you. I don’t know where this insecurity is coming from, but you have to know that I absolutely fucking need you. I want to spend every second of every day for the rest of my life with you. That’s how much you mean to me, Nic,” he replied, his voice wavering as he watched her shudder, maybe from the cold and maybe from their exchange.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t want to take this away from you, Conrad,” she added, “I’m giving you an out. I’m giving you the opportunity to find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. Someone who can give you a family. Someone who you don’t have to settle for.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Nic, did you not hear what I just said? You are everything to me. I love you so fucking much. The way you love me is so much more than I could possibly deserve or imagine. You are not someone who someone else settles for. I am the luckiest fucking person because of you. You are worthy of being loved, Nic,” he replied, stepping closer to her again, the rain falling slower now, droplets still hanging from their faces as she finally met his eyes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“And you are worthy of so much more,” she added, her voice cracking and breaking before she turned away and felt a bubbling of sobs about to burst through her chest.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Nic, I’m not good at what I’m about to do, but I’m going to try anyways. Will you let me try?” he asked softly, causing her to turn around slowly. This is it, she thought. We’re done.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>We’re really done.</em>
</p><p>“Do you remember when you asked me how I loved you?” he began, waiting for her reply.</p><p>She nodded, her expression lowering as she stood waiting for him to tell her they were over.</p><p>“And do you remember when I told you <em>how</em> I loved you?” he asked again, his voice soft, calming and fucking <em>everything</em>.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>“But goddamnit Nic, I am so fucking tired of running. I’ve been afraid of admitting the feelings that I had, have, and always will have for you. Because there’s just no other way to put it. I love you, Nic. And I couldn’t tell you a year ago because I didn’t know that what I was feeling was love and because I wasn’t strong enough to love you properly,” he took another breath, her face holding an expression of complete and utter shock. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I only knew hurt and pain, so that’s what I did. I hurt you and caused you pain. Because even though I may have taken an oath to do no harm in medicine,” he began again, “in here,” he brought his hand to his heart, “and here,” he grazed his fingers along her cheek, “pain is what I did best.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She felt a tear escape her eyes. She was completely speechless. So, he continued. “And I am so sorry. But, Nic, I’m not that guy anymore. I’m here. And I’m in. I’m all in. I can’t see a future without you in it. That’s how I need you. You make me want to be a better person. You are my everything,” he paused again, his breath shaky as she still sat there, frozen. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her heart was racing. He was doing it. He was telling her how he was feeling. He was letting her in. He loves her, just like she loves him. And holy fucking shit it felt so good. It felt right. So, she finally opened up that Pandora’s box and let her heart lead.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“And I don’t expect you to––” he began again before she interrupted him.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>That was all it took for her to close the distance they had never once discussed or challenged since they broke up. When their lips finally met, it tasted like goddamn forever. Her salty tears mixed with his on both of their cheeks tasted like the first step into something new and wonderful. She pressed as much of her body against his as possible, gathering his hair between her fingers as she tugged him even closer. It was one kiss, but it left both of them completely breathless.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Are you sure?” he asked through his breath, taking her back to their first time. He slid his hands up her arms as she pressed her forehead to his. God, how long they’d been wanting to do that. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I have never been so sure of anything in my life before,” she replied. </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>And that was all he needed to capture her lips with his again. “I missed you,” he whispered between her lips.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I missed you, too,” she replied as she ghosted her lips along his jaw. </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>“I am still here, and I’m not going anywhere,” he added. “I miss you.”</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>“I don’t want to fuck this up this time. I can’t let you go again,” he said in a low voice, directing her head away from his for a brief moment so he could look into her eyes and show her how much she means to him. “Nic, I’ve been seeing a therapist for my PTSD. You have helped me in more ways than I could possibly explain. The Conrad you knew from a year ago would not have even considered getting help. And I’ve actually made pretty good progress. There’s still a lot I have to work on––”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“––and I want to be there every step of the way,” she interrupted. “Conrad, you’re not alone in this. I am so proud of you,” she added, feeling more hot tears slip down her cheeks. He found one of her hands with his, feeling the ring he gave her on her finger, and he couldn’t help the tears that escaped his eyes, too. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Nic, I want to do this right,” he whispered as he swiped his thumbs across her cheeks and caught her tears, and she sniffled as she ran her shaky hands down his chest. “I want to tell you everything. I don’t want to hide or be afraid because fuck, this last year as been hell without you.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She smiled, new tears dripping from her eyes as she reached up to hold his cheeks in her hands. She pulled one of her hands away––the one with the ring––and gazed at it. “Why don’t you start with this?” she asked, her breath and voice as shaky as her hands.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“This?” he asked, holding her hand and sliding his thumb over the red stone on her ring.</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>He reached for her hand, then, holding her fingers in his hand. <em>Her fingers which no longer were home to his mother’s ring</em>. She felt him tense at that realization. She pulled her hand away from his. <em>I guess this really is it,</em> he thought. Maybe he was wrong about what he thought she felt for him.</p><p>But her eyes told a different story. She reached down beneath her shirt to pull out her necklace. His gaze followed her fingers to what was on the necklace. <em>His mother’s ring</em>.</p><p>“You kept it––” he began, stunned.</p><p>“Of course, I did,” she whispered.</p><p>He was relieved. She still needed him like he needed her. So he continued. “I also remember that day when you told me that you’d be there every step of the way for me. I’m here for you for the same, Nic. <em>Because that’s what two people who love each other to the ends of this earth do for each other</em>. And Nic, if this wasn’t already abundantly clear, I love you to the ends of this earth. And I think you feel the same,” he added, gesturing to the necklace-ring she was holding tightly near her heart.</p><p>“Conrad, I want to tell you everything. I want <em>everything</em>. But<em> I’m scared</em>,” she whispered, stepping closer to him, finally taking that first step towards him again.</p><p>“Me, too, Nic. <em>I’m fucking terrified. </em>You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I can’t lose you. I want you to understand how deep my love runs for you. I want you to be able to tell me everything<em>, </em>even when<em>––especially when––</em>you’re feeling scared. And I’ll always remind you of your strength. Your kindness. Your capacity for caring for others. Every single amazing thing about you, I can name, and I could go on for fucking ever,” he replied, “so please, give this a chance. <em>Give us a chance</em>. Because I choose you, Nic. <em>Always</em>.”</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>“I couldn’t be with anybody else when I knew my heart belonged to you,” he replied. “And I have never loved anybody the way I love you. I’m glad you told me this. Because that means I can tell you that you’re the only one for me and again that you’re my everything.” He combed his fingers through her hair as her eyes closed briefly, taking in the gravity of his statement.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh my God,” she whispered, almost inaudibly as she pulled his lips back to hers. “I’m sorry,” she whispered again between kisses.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for,” he replied holding her close again so she could feel that he was there, and he wasn’t going anywhere.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I couldn’t be with anyone else, either, you know,” she added, her lips against his cheek.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Goddamn. They were fucking waiting for each other. That realization hit the both of them like a ton of bricks, and before they knew it, they were back all over each other––hands, lips, skin, heat. Knowing they each held the other in a special place in their hearts made this moment of coming back together all the more powerful. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Conrad, I love you so much,” she whispered as her hands meandered down his body again, “and I need you now.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I love you, too. And I’m here, Nic. I’m here for good. I’m not running anymore,” he replied before she pulled his entire body onto her, feeling his weight, his muscles flex, his dick pressed against her stomach. He groaned at the contact and the pressure, but he wanted to bring her to cloud 9 before him (because he knew he would come embarrassingly fast if he were inside her).  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Nic, I want you to come for me,” he growled, his hand wandering between them again and finding her clit. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I want to…” she began before her moan interrupted her words as he pressed his thumb against her sensitive bundle of nerves. When she caught her breath, she started again. “Conrad, I want to come with you,” she exhaled, her hands against his chest. </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh, there will be plenty of time for that,” he teased, “but first, I want to see you come undone. I want to feel you, Nic.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh God,” she whispered as he increased the speed of his thumb around her clit. She bent her knees up, opening herself more to him, and he reached his other hand down to slip two fingers inside her wet core. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her moans filled the room and his ears, and he couldn’t help but groan at the sight and sounds before him. He missed this. Her. Not just her body. But her. He watched as she was climbing closer to her peak, her eyes fluttering closed and her moans growing louder. She felt her reality slipping away, and the only thing on her mind was him. She felt her release building, and with a couple more flicks of her clit and curling of his fingers inside of her, she was coming hard. She brought her arm up to her face and groaned into the pit of her elbow as her insides clenched and her whole body shook. </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Holy fucking shit,” she practically moaned as gasped, working on coming down from her high. for breath, coming down from her high. The first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was a smile ten miles wide on Conrad’s face as he shifted on top of her again. </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>“I <em>want</em> to choose you, too,” she whispered.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>“How are you?” he asked gently, brushing sticky pieces of golden hair from her face. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Mm, I’ve never been better,” she replied, her voice gravelly, “and now let’s take care of you.” She gripped his cock, and the air punched out of his lungs immediately. Her soft, skilled hand moved up and down his length, and he thrust into her touch. She spread his precum over his cock, leaving him slick and harder than he swore he’d ever been. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Fuck,” he groaned as her soft hand stroked up and down his length. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“God fucking damn, Nic, I’m not going to last much longer if you keep this up,” he huffed before he pushed her hand away and kissed her so hard she felt her lips would bruise. She whimpered softly, still reeling from her last orgasm, and when she felt the tip of his cock brush against her wet folds, she moaned deeply, wanting him desperately to be inside of her. He felt her shuffle slightly underneath him, and he knew she was ready. She looked up at him with her big chocolatey eyes, and he thought his heart stopped. Nobody had ever looked at him with so much love.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She brought her hand up slowly to the side of his face, urging him to be even closer to her as she whispered, “let go for me now.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>One of his hands slipped around her back to pull her close while the other grabbed hold of his cock, lining it up with her glistening entrance. They were breathing heavily already, and he held her gaze as he slowly pushed his dick inside of her, filling her completely. The room felt void of oxygen as their lungs emptied completely when their hips met. He stayed there, completely buried inside of her, as they both worked to refill their lungs. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Nic, you’re perfect,” he groaned as he started rocking his hips slowly into hers.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh fuck,” she whimpered as her eyes fell closed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hey,” he said softly, “I want you to see exactly what you do to me.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh God, Conrad,” she moaned, forcing her eyes open to meet his dark brown orbs looking so lovingly at her. She needed him to know that he was something she couldn’t live without. She couldn’t imagine her life without him. He was everything. “I can’t lose you. Please, don’t go ever again,” she whimpered.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m here for good, Nic. You’re stuck with me,” he replied. “I’m here for good,” he repeated, increasing the pace and depth of his thrusts. He could feel his release building quickly, and he buried his face in her neck, kissing, biting, and sucking her there, basking in her skin and her heat. She was all around him, everywhere. And it was driving him even closer to his peak. Her moans grew in volume as he hit her deeper, and with a slight adjustment of his hips he was at an angle that was oh just right. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She was close, and so was he, so he slid one of his hands between them and pinched her clit. She screamed in pleasure, clenching her walls around his cock, making the pressure and heat oh just right. They exploded together, the room filled with their moans and breaths as they came. Their bodies trembled, and they held onto each other for dear life, nails digging into flesh, fingertips bruising skin. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Their climaxes were powerful, and coming down from their highs was a beautiful thing. He lifted his head from the space he had claimed between her neck and her shoulder and glanced down at the beautiful woman in his arms. She really was everything.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He rolled them over so she was laying on top of him, and she flopped on top of his chest, still feeling completely boneless. “Wow,” he whispered, his chest rising and falling rapidly and deeply as he worked to catch his breath.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>She lifted her head up, bringing her lips to his once more before settling back on his chest and echoing his sentiment. “Wow’s right,” she replied, a smile taking over her face as her eyes glistened. “That was amazing. You are amazing,” she added as he pulled her up towards him and cuddled her in. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Mm, I love you, Nic,” he mumbled into her hair, pressing kisses to the side of her face, making her giggle. </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“I love you, too, Conrad,” she replied, that smile never leaving her face. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“And I’m not going anywhere. I’m here with you, and I’m here for good,” he reaffirmed, holding her tight to his body as she melted into him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m not going anywhere, either. I’m in this for good, too,” she added, her lips grazing across his neck. </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>“What’s stopping you?” he asked, not moving towards her anymore. If she wanted it––<em>if she really wanted it</em>––then she’d take that one final step.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>“Hey,” a voice said, snapping her back into reality, “hey, you okay?” the voice continued. She lifted her gaze to meet the only pair of eyes she so desperately wanted to not see right now: Conrad Hawkins’ eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah, Conrad, I’m fine,” she replied, her voice curt and a little harsh. She gathered a tablet so she could pull up a patient’s chart, and she practically bolted down the hall.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Nic?” he asked, following after her. He was worried. What was happening? Everything was fine this morning.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Conrad, I’m fine,” she repeated, her voice biting through her teeth.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Nic, you aren’t fine,” he said, his tone sharp as he grabbed her wrist, halting her movement. “What’s going on?” he asked gently.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Conrad, I said I’m fine,” she bit back. She was upset, and she was upset she was upset. And she didn’t want to make him upset. So, she needed space. She needed to get away from him. “I just need a minute,” she added, her voice softer. Please, she thought. Please understand. Please understand that it’s irrational. Pease understand that it’s emotional. Please understand it’s too fucking much.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Conrad looked over her, his thumb caressing her hand. She looked broken. She looked almost as broken as the day––</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She needed space.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Okay,” he replied, practically holding his breath. “Will I see you after––” he began.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m going to stay at my place tonight,” she interrupted.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Okay,” he replied again, feeling hurt by her response, but feeling even more hurt by the fact that she couldn’t tell him what was going on.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s irrational. It’s emotional. It’s too fucking much.</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>But he was there. He was there telling her that she was everything. That she was his oxygen. That she was the most important thing in his life. <em>And that it was never going to change</em>.</p><p>What’s the point in trying so hard to make someone happy when what would make them happy is <em>just your existence</em>?</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>She felt his hands leave her body for a second, and as soon as she turned around to find his warmth again, he scooped her up and stood up off the bed. She squealed and giggled, and he swore he died and went to heaven last night because he’d never ever heard her make a noise like that. It was completely involuntary. Completely, undoubtedly, unequivocally happy. Joyous. Pure happiness. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It made him smile and kiss her absolutely everywhere as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He walked them into the bathroom and set her down. Her smile was bright and wide, her hair was wild from sleeping on it wet, and her previously pristine porcelain skin was speckled around her hips, chest, and neck with various shades of purple and red from last night and this morning. And she was absolutely stunning.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His hair was also mess, his eyebrows all wonky, and he had his fair share of little purple and red marks. And she loved every single part of him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>After taking the necessary time to just look at each other (which they simply couldn’t get enough of), they stepped into the shower. Kissing, lathering, rinsing. They were lost in each other, but the pressure of the time got the better of them, and they eventually shut off the water, dried each other off, and got dressed (though they really didn’t want to). They had already packed most of their things, Conrad having done the majority of that task the other morning when Nic was working on her speech for the conference, so within ten minutes they were fully packed and ready to meet Mina in the lobby. Nic worked on getting her and Conrad’s tickets loaded on their phones, so she was holding both phones while Conrad was carrying both her and his suitcases. They managed to beat Mina down to the lobby, so they waited, Nic leaning her head onto his shoulder, still working away at the check-in process for the flight, and Conrad watched her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She made the most adorable face when she concentrated: her eyebrows pulled together slightly, her bottom lip just a little pouty, and her nose a tad bit scrunched up. Conrad couldn’t help but lean down and kiss her cheek quickly, making her blush and giggle. “Hey mister, behave,” she playfully scolded. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What? That was innocent. And I can’t help it when you look so damn cute,” he replied, causing her eyes to lift and meet his.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Innocent?” she asked, raising her eyebrows. “I don’t think you know what that word means.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hm, well, last night certainly no,” he teased, causing Nic’s skin to flush with color. She knows very well how not innocent he can be.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Shut up, silly, you’re distracting me,” she chuckled, tearing her gaze away from him to focus back on her task.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He pulled her in close, her head resting on his upper chest, and she felt the laughter in his body. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I love you,” they both breathed at the same time, causing their gaze to meet again. Slow sweet smiles spread across their faces, and they looked around to see if anybody was around and paying any sort of attention, and when they determined that they were pretty much alone, their lips met. The whole world fell away, and they practically forgot where they were.</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>It’s a lot.</p><p>But it’s not too much.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>She gathered her breath as her tears slowed, and she opened her eyes and felt his warmth enveloping her. And goddamnit, there was nowhere else in the entire universe she’d rather be than right here. “When did you know?” she whispered into his neck.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hm?” he hummed, holding the base of her neck as he stroked his fingers through her hair slowly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“When did you know that you were in love with me?” she asked, pulling her face away from his body so she could look at him. She loves just looking at him. Especially now that he is not hiding the way he looks at her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He smiled softly, almost sheepishly, and she adored it. He was being so vulnerable. He was finally letting her see all the parts of him she so desperately wanted to see a year ago. “I was in my first session, three days after we broke up, and my therapist asked me what brought me there. I answered simply, ‘Nic,’ so naturally. He started asking me questions about you, and I remember the moment when it all clicked for me. I was telling him that I felt like I was drowning. Like I couldn’t breathe. Every little thing reminded me of you. And I realized I had taken so much of all that you gave for granted. Nic, you give so much. And I am a goddamn fool for never showing you the respect and appreciation you deserved. It was right then that I realized that I had been in love with you for a while, and when I thought about it, the turning point for me wasn’t anything grandiose. It was the normalcy of everything we did together that, when added up, is more meaningful than anything flashy or big. It was one morning, just like yesterday, when I woke up and you were just there. So trusting. So open with your heart. Laying there in my arms, your legs tangled with mine, it just felt right. Like I was finally where I was supposed to be. And then it was like everything was made clear. I talked about you for three hours that first day. I just couldn’t stop. Because that’s what happens when someone is your everything. I knew then that if I deserved a place in your life that I would have to face my own demons. I just couldn’t be me without you. I don’t know if any of that makes any sense, and I still can’t quite describe how I love you and how I need you because you’re just, well, everything to me. And I’m just so fucking sorry I’ve put you through hell. But I’m not doing any of this out of pity or guilt or because it’s 4AM. I’m doing this because you showed me how valuable it is to open your heart to the people you love. To let them in on your good, your bad, and all the in-betweens. And I want to do this right.” His voice was shaky but sure. His hands were holding onto her, grounding her. Making sure she was still there with him. Making sure she knew that it wasn’t a dream. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She was utterly speechless. Her emotions were everywhere, and her brain was whirling with all the thoughts and questions and feelings she suppressed over the last year. He could feel her brain working overtime, so he pressed his lips to her temple and whispered, “I know this is a lot to take in, so I want to take this whole thing slowly. There’s still a lot we need to talk about, and I want to make sure you get to ask all of your questions.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She nodded, lifting her face so her lips met his once again. “Conrad, I don’t know what to say. Nobody has ever said any of those things to me. Nobody has ever looked at me the way you do. Nobody has ever felt that way about me. And I’ve never felt this way about anybody else besides you. You’re everything to me, too.”</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>“<em>Nothing</em>,” she said through her breath, stepping into his embrace. Her heart was squeezing against her ribs as the word tumbled out from her mouth. <em>Nothing was stopping her from choosing him besides herself</em>. He had told her, countless times, that he chose her. He had told her in all the ways except for <em>just plain saying it</em>. Hearing him tell her that he really did choose her, and that he always would, was the final push she needed to overcome that insecurity. It wouldn’t happen overnight. <em>But over the course of two weeks?</em></p><p>He didn’t want Zoey. He didn’t need to have children. He would be there for her every step of the way. <em>She was his family</em>. His whole world. It was shocking, and it was still processing. That all he wanted––<em>the only thing that mattered––</em>was her. And it was his decision all alone. If he wanted to, he could have left her. She gave him every single possible chance.</p><p>But here he was. Drenched from the rain, telling her that she was his everything, pushing back on every time she tried to push him away. <em>Here he was</em>. And here he forever would be.</p><p>So she stumbled into his arms. Back where she was supposed to be. Because she was no longer stopping herself. Nothing was stopping her anymore. He chose, chooses, and always will choose her. And she chose, chooses, and always will choose him, too.</p><p>He wrapped her in tight, their hearts beating in sync, wet clothes pressed against wet clothes pressed against skin, cool flesh touching cool flesh, fingertips brushing through damp hair, <em>everything</em>. Absolutely everything.</p><p>“I need help with this, Conrad,” she whispered into his chest, “I’ve tried to just let it go. I’ve tried to push it away. But I can’t. <em>And I need help</em>.” Her voice was low and quiet. She balled his shirt in her fists as her hot tears mixed with the cold rain on his clothing.</p><p>“You never judged me for needing help, and I won’t ever do that to you. I’m here, <em>every step of the way</em>. Seeing you so hurt like this is heartbreaking. You deserve so much better, and we’re going to work together to make that happen,” he replied, the vibrations of his voice in his chest buzzing across her cheek. She was in pain, <em>but she wasn’t broken</em>. And he was there for her to lean on. Not just because he <em>had</em> to be or that he felt obligated to. <em>He was there because he loved her</em>. He was there because he would take a bullet for her, stop time for her, fly to the sun for her. He’d do anything for her.</p><p>Standing out in the rain holding each other <em>just like that</em> was exactly what they both needed.</p><p>“I just don’t know what to do. How do I stop feeling this way? So damn empty. <em>So damn guilty</em>,” she replied, her body trembling beneath his arms.</p><p>“You told me that you’d never said out loud that you had a miscarriage until you said it to me that night in the hotel. Do you think that maybe talking about it with someone would be helpful?” he asked sweetly, treading carefully as he brought up the word and that memory.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>“I knew it. Just when things start to get below the surface, you run,” she said with a bite in her tone. She was frustrated. She didn’t know what she wanted him to say, but I can’t was certainly not it. She knew she was being irrational, but this whole everything was far beyond any sense of rationality and reason. There is too much emotion in everything to be rational. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I run?” he started, raising his voice a little, too. How could she not fucking get that he couldn’t run anymore if his life depended on it. “What about you running this whole trip? This whole year?” he added, throwing his arms up into the air. He knew he was being irrational, but there is too much emotion in everything to be rational.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I can’t believe you,” she hissed, sitting up on her knees. “You pushed me away when all I wanted was to run into your arms! Conrad, I lost the baby. I had a goddamn miscarriage! But I never once thought I would lose you!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Nic––” he started before she once again interrupted.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No,” she said firmly. “I have never once said that out loud, and you needed to fucking hear it. I still feel so broken, Conrad. And you’re the only person on this whole goddamn earth that gets it. Because you lost something that day, too.” This was it. She paused and collected her breath. She felt like the room was running out of oxygen as his eyes fell heavy on her. He was pouring everything into her. And her next words were deciding their fate. Their future. “So, no. You’re not running this time. I can’t let you,” she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Nic––” he began, his voice lowering.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Conrad,” she interrupted sharply, “don’t you dare––”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Goddamnit, Nic! Will you let me speak?” he exclaimed, his voice a mix of longing, desire, and a year’s worth of needing to say this out loud.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She was silent. He actually wanted to communicate. She was both thrilled and terrified. What if he doesn’t want her the same way she wants him? What if he doesn’t need her anymore?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He inhaled a deep breath and blew it out slowly, something she knew composed him before he performed a difficult or risky procedure in medicine. But apparently, it worked outside of the hospital, too. She had never seen him do that before with her. “I can’t lose you. Nic, I’m afraid,” he started, his voice small and barely above a whisper.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Afraid of what?” she asked, her voice small and shaky, too.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Of,” he began as he gestured between them, “this. This––you––are the most important person in my life. I can’t lose you,” he repeated.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What makes you think I’d let you?” she challenged, sliding ever so slightly closer to him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I should have told you this sooner––so much sooner––but Nic, the miscarriage was not your fault. These things, they just happen, and nobody knows why. You don’t deserve to carry that burden around with you forever, because it’s not your fault.” He took her hand in his. They didn’t do this. But they were doing it now. </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>“I want to talk to someone, but I want you to be there,” she replied, lifting her eyes to meet his for the first time since she stepped into his arms.</p><p>“Of course,” he replied, holding her gaze, “<em>always</em>.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. lemon bars and chocolate eyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>So sorry this took so long to get out! Things have been crazy recently, but everything has settled down a bit now. I hope you all enjoy this chapter and this story &lt;3</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“Of course,” he replied, holding her gaze, “always.”</em>
</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, Conrad. I’m so sorry I keep doing this to you,” she whispered again, burying her face back into his chest.</p>
<p>“Please don’t apologize to me, Nic. We’re in this together. All of it. <em>The good, the bad, the ugly, and all the in-betweens</em>,” he replied, his fingers slowly tangling in her damp hair. “You are never a burden,” he continued, “you are worthy of happiness. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of not letting this define you.”</p>
<p>She let his words sink in. She held onto him tightly, grasping onto everything she almost lost, and she just stood there, her eyes closed, her hands holding his shoulders, and his heartbeat in her ears. She sniffled, and it suddenly dawned on her that she was cold to the core from the rain, and she imagined Conrad felt the same. “Hey,” she whispered, her voice hoarse, “do you, um, want to come inside? I mean, it’s freezing out here, and I don’t–– um, I’m sorry, if you don’t want to–– I just––” she stumbled.</p>
<p>He held her face in his hand, a gesture he did often, especially when she was stressed. A gesture she loved. “Do you want me to come inside?” he asked gently.</p>
<p>“Yes,” she breathed, her eyes wide and watery. “And do <em>you</em> want to come inside with me?” she asked hesitantly.</p>
<p>“Yes,” he replied with the same intensity as she did. “<em>Always</em>.”</p>
<p>She slipped her hands down his arms to interlace their fingers, cold hands holding cold hands, and she began to walk slowly towards her house. Her brain was cloudy with how they were going to move forward from this, with how she was going to start addressing this <em>thing</em> that was eating her alive for a whole year, and how they would change as a result. She was swimming in doubt and fear, but with one reassuring squeeze of her hand from Conrad, those fears began melting away. She could feel some level of certainty––some level of <em>this is going to be okay</em>––with that simple gesture. They were going to make it. <em>They were going to get through this</em>, just as he told her that year ago when they first found out about the miscarriage. She didn’t believe him then, but she was starting to believe him now.</p>
<p>Crossing the threshold into her house reassured both of them that they were going to be okay. Crossing the threshold into her house was their first step to transitioning out of their hiatus. That feeling of nothing lasting forever? That feeling of uncertainty? Of longing? It was all beginning to dissolve right before their eyes. Their initial getting together was a rush of emotions and touches and kisses and feelings, but all of the tough stuff was inadvertently pushed to the backburner as the excitement was at the forefront of their actions and emotions. Falling back into rhythm with the person you’re meant to be with is a glorious feeling, and this was certainly not missed on Nic and Conrad; however, there was still deep-rooted pain that they both experienced yet had not addressed. Adding that pain into the mix would have introduced a kind of fragility too early on, and they were both worried that they were going to lose the one thing that they had been working so hard to revive. That one thing that they were so desperately longing. That one connection that mattered more than almost anything else.</p>
<p>Because when you’re with the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with (whether you consciously know it or not), you really <em>really</em> don’t want to fuck it up.</p>
<p>Yet in carrying this ideology out, they unknowingly made the situation all the more complicated. Missed signals, reoccurring references to past trauma, and new hardships all combined in the perfect storm to produce a bubble just dying to burst. And burst it did.</p>
<p>But they had found their way back to each other. Their relationship was so far always filled with lumps and bumps (as most all relationships are), but their perspective that they are meant for each other, and that their love extends so far beyond any potential problem, has always brought them back together. Whether it be a year or two weeks.</p>
<p>Here they were. Still fragile, still raw, still chilled and uncertain and in pain. <em>But together</em>.</p>
<p>“Do you remember when you asked me to tell you everything?” Conrad asked gently as they made their way into her hallway, shutting the front door and letting the warmth of the house begin to soothe their achy, cold bones.</p>
<p>Nic nodded slowly, shedding her jacket and wrapping her arms around her middle, her shoulders slightly hunched forward. He paused to look at her––<em>really look at her</em>. Her mascara was streaked down her face in tiny black rivers, her hair was damp and sticking to her face, her eyes were red and puffy from crying, her hands were pale, and her cheeks were sunken. Yet she was still her gorgeous self. She was still <em>Nic</em>. It broke him to see her like this, and it reminded him of <em>that time</em>. The time where he held her after she called him, crying, as she bled and cramped and <em>miscarried</em>. She was so broken then. And he saw some of that same brokenness now. But he also saw a new light. A new strength in herself. <em>And he knew she was going to be okay. </em>He knew they were going to be okay.</p>
<p>His eyes raked over slowly once again, and she shifted, his gaze boring holes into her fragile body. “Tell me anything. It could be small or big and about anything you want,” he whispered softly, stepping tentatively towards her, reaching out to place his hands on her shoulders.</p>
<p>She softened at his touch, sighing softly at the contact she had been avoiding for two weeks. A short silence fell between them, but he was patient. “Anything?” she asked as he nodded. She gathered her breath and found her voice, closing her eyes. “I, um, started getting into baking a little bit,” she said quietly, her gaze shifting to rest on the floor next to where they were standing.</p>
<p>“Baking?” Conrad asked inquisitively, “what kind?”</p>
<p>She smiled, her eyes lifting to meet his, and he mirrored her smile. “Just a few simple things––here, go get changed into something warmer so you don’t freeze, and I’ll gather some ingredients and maybe, we can, um, throw something together?” she said, her voice soft yet still slightly hesitant.</p>
<p>“Mm, only if you get changed into something dry, too,” he replied, threading his fingers with hers, “then you can tell me all about your baking adventures.”</p>
<p>She smiled sheepishly, her heart fluttering in her chest, and she nodded as he held her gaze. He wasn’t going to make any moves––wanting her to decide the pace they were taking things because she was still so fragile. She felt as though even the slightest touch would shatter her, but that was simply her fear. His touch didn’t break her. It was healing her. It was picking up her pieces and helping her put them back together.</p>
<p>And yet she was still afraid. Going back and forth like this was exhausting. She needed to decide if she wanted to be with him for sure. She needed to decide so she would put an end to both of their pain. She needed to decide right then. But the decision was not at all a difficult one. Of course she wanted to be with him. It’s been all she’d wanted for the past year that they were apart, and especially in these past two weeks of separation. She wanted nothing more than to run to him and never fucking let him go ever again. But she wasn’t necessarily the world’s best offer. She had her flaws. She wasn’t perfect.<em> But he loved her</em>. He loves her and she loves him.</p>
<p>The love they had and always will have for each other trumped it all. And not even despite the flaws and imperfections––rather, they love that they are able to help each other with the things they’d otherwise struggle with alone. They love that their love allows them to grow stronger together.</p>
<p>The way he moved through her house so comfortably, <em>so much like he belonged</em>, made her smile grow wider. As he returned from her room clad in a dry pair of sweatpants and a black t-shirt that he had left there from the weeks before, she stepped to meet him in the hallway.</p>
<p>“Thank you, Conrad,” she whispered, her hands snaking around her neck. “And… I just scheduled a session with a therapist for tomorrow evening. <em>We’re really going to do this</em>.”</p>
<p>“You don’t need to thank me, Nic. But I am so proud of you. You’re so strong. You’re <em>incredible</em>,” he replied, his hands low on her waist, gently holding her to him.</p>
<p>“I couldn’t have started taking steps like this, to get better, if you hadn’t come today. So, for that, and for every single goddamn day you remind me of how much you love me, I am forever grateful for you, Conrad. And I love you. <em>So much</em>. I don’t want you to doubt that for a second, okay?” she said, her hands sliding down to his cheeks, looking strongly into his eyes.</p>
<p>He smiled, holding one of her hands with his own against his face. “I don’t doubt it, Nic,” he whispered, gazing into her gorgeous chocolate eyes. “Now, go ahead and get changed. I’ll wait for you back in the kitchen,” he added, his gaze holding hers still.</p>
<p>She smiled and nodded, squeezing the hand he held with his, still a little in shock that she could touch him again after avoiding it for two weeks. He returned the smile, and she stepped away from him, ducking into her bedroom to get changed, and he made his way to the kitchen. He saw a myriad of ingredients: sugar, flour, eggs, milk, lemons, and vanilla being the main players. He was thinking about Nic in her kitchen alone, humming a tune only she knew, whisking these ingredients together, wearing those silly fuzzy socks that leave little fuzzballs <em>everywhere</em>, her hair knotted up in a messy bun, and her clothes simple. <em>Perfect</em>, he thought.</p>
<p>And perfect she was as he saw her return from her bedroom, wearing a simple pair of loose shorts and a light grey t-shirt. His eyes trailed up her long, <em>long </em>legs all the way up her body until he met her eyes. She stood her ground, her heart beating wildly in her chest, but she simply smiled and cleared her throat when his eyes finally locked with hers.</p>
<p>“I missed you, too,” she whispered quietly, eliciting a small chuckle from Conrad as he ran his fingers through his hair.</p>
<p>“It’s been a while,” he said softly, “I just needed a minute to take you in.” His eyes found hers again, and he watched her melt at his words.</p>
<p>“I’m sor––” she began.</p>
<p>“Don’t apologize, please, Nic,” he interrupted, his voice sincere. “This is hard, and I am not going to pretend to understand exactly what you’ve been feeling recently, but I just want––<em>need</em>––you to know that I am here, <em>always</em>. And yes, I have missed you, but I don’t want you to feel bad about the way things have been. And we’re going to get into all the hard stuff tomorrow, so what do you say if we promise that for tonight, there can be no more apologies and no more sadness––just laughs and smiles?”</p>
<p>Her heart was screaming for him. She was completely mesmerized by the man that stood before her. By the man that was so different from the man who stood in that exact same place about a year ago, unable to open up to her, yet so similar in the spunk and charisma and <em>sparkle</em> in his eyes. She loved him. She loved him so much it was almost embarrassing. To be this in love with someone is straight out of those absolutely ridiculous romance novels or movies. To be this in love with someone is not likely to occur in real life. To be this in love with someone and to have them love you back exactly the same is extraordinarily rare. To be this in love with someone––<em>how fucking lucky</em>.</p>
<p>“No more apologies, no more sadness, and plenty of laughs and smiles––sounds like a plan to me,” she replied, her smile coating her entire face, so much so that the corners of her eyes turned up and her chocolate irises shimmered.</p>
<p>“Mm, just like that,” he said softly, reaching out to touch her face gently, his fingers tracing her lips as her smile grew even wider.</p>
<p>“With you,” she began, holding his hand with hers, “easy,” she finished, her voice mostly breath, yet still an air of hesitance existed. “Let’s get started, yeah?” she asked, her fingers interlacing with his as she guided them towards the counter with the ingredients.</p>
<p>“Let’s, yes,” he replied, following her closely.</p>
<p>“So, I found this amazing lemon bar recipe, and I have actually been hoping I could make them with you,” she started, cutting the lemons in half as Conrad watched. “There’s a lot from these past two weeks that I’ve been wishing I could have shared with you, actually.”</p>
<p>“You needed your own space, and I completely understand that,” he stated, “but I am so glad you want to share this with me.” His meaning went deeper than jus lemon bars. He was happy she was sharing <em>herself </em>with him.</p>
<p>She picked up on that meaning, and she smiled softly. “Me, too, Conrad,” she said, her voice sure and strong—a stark contrast to how she had been speaking previously, with that hesitancy.</p>
<p>“So tell me, how do we do this?” he asked, focusing on the ingredients in front of him, reaching for the flour.</p>
<p>She didn’t know why or how, but right then, everything seemed to click. Everything seemed to fall into place. <em>Them</em>. Everything. It all made sense. Her breath caught in her throat. <em>If he wanted to be with her all this time, she wasn’t just the chase. She wasn’t just any other woman to him. And he wasn’t just any other guy to her. They were both there, wanting each other so fucking bad that they would pick literally anything to talk about and do just so they could spend time together. </em>It all hit her like a freight train. She lifted her gaze to meet his, and though she was met with his confused eyes at first, when she stepped closer to him, her hands sliding up his chest, she saw that familiar fire burn in his sweet brown eyes. With her face just a fraction of an inch away from his, she whispered, “I know I’ve fucked up. I know I keep pushing you away and pulling you back. But I’m ready. I’m ready to face everything I’ve been pushing down this past year. And I’m ready to let you in for good.”</p>
<p>“Nic,” he breathed, his hot breath tickling her lips. “I’m ready for that, too.”</p>
<p>“Conrad,” she purred, eliciting a small hum from him, “can I— can I kiss you now?” she asked gently.</p>
<p>“Mm, yes, Nic,” he replied, his voice having dropped a full octave lower. He felt her smile against his lips as her soft ones pressed against his. It was a kiss so full of love, but not leading to anything more. They were content with just kissing, becoming reacquainted with one another. There was no pressure to do anything more. No need to. They just needed each other. They needed each other in the simplest, purest way possible.</p>
<p>His hands moved from where they were against the counter, holding onto the package of flour, to hold Nic instead. He gripped around her waist softly while his other hand meandered into her hair, brushing through her soft waves so sweetly, making her sigh. She nudged her bottom lip between his, and they both relished how perfect they fit together.</p>
<p>They were so lost in each other that they didn’t notice that the bag of flour was slowly tipping, having lost the support Conrad had been providing, until it landed on the counter with a <em>floof</em>. Before they could turn to see what had happened, they were both covered in the white powder.</p>
<p>“Oops,” Conrad chuckled, his gaze landing back on Nic, her left side completely coated in flour.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” she giggled. “We’ll clean it up later,” she added, reaching up to brush the flour off his face so she could kiss him again.</p>
<p>Kissing Conrad was something she couldn’t quite describe. It was hot and sweet and loving and perfect and <em>fucking everything </em>all at once. It was everything she ever needed. <em>He was everything she ever needed. </em></p>
<p>“Nic, you are also everything I’ve ever needed,” he replied, Nic realizing that she had actually said what she was thinking out loud. “We can get through anything together,” he added, his forehead pressed to hers. They took a few moments to catch their breath, holding each other close, feeling each other’s touch, breath, heartbeats.</p>
<p>“We really can,” she remarked, a smile spreading across her face again. “Including making these lemon bars without spilling any more flour,” she added, giggling as she glanced to the counter, which now looked like the base of a snow globe, all white and dusty.</p>
<p>“Right,” he chuckled, “no more spilling,” he added, kissing her on the cheek once more before they both refocused on their task: lemon bars.</p>
<p>There was still a lot to discuss, and much of that would be done tomorrow in session, but both of them knew that from this point forward, they were a team. <em>They would get through it all together. </em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. inevitable</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This is a pretty heavy chapter––there is discussion of a miscarriage, description of blood, trauma, cancer, and loss. </p><p>Thank you all for reading and for commenting :)</p><p>So stoked this story has over 1000 reads so far. Y'all really make my day &lt;3</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sugary sweetness surged in their bloodstreams as they cuddled up together and succumbed to sleep. The emotional draining nature of these past two weeks combined with the sugar crash they both endured after eating some of their fantastic lemon bars made for two very tired souls. They didn’t spend all night touching and gazing as they had hoped, but come morning, after they both woke up, tangled in each other’s arms and legs as if they had been doing this their whole lives, they spent an entire hour feeling and just looking at each other. It may have seemed silly—they weren’t even really kissing—just dragging their lips and hands and eyes over each other.</p><p>“This,” Nic mumbled into Conrad’s neck as he hummed, “this is everything. Waking up like this, with you. <em>Everything</em>. But I’m not going to lie, I’m nervous as hell about tonight. I don’t want us to break. I don’t want to repeat what happened these past two weeks. <em>I can’t fucking lose you, too</em>.”</p><p>He was nervous, too. This topic had been so off limits for so long. Both of them distracting each other with work, kisses, and lemon bars. But this was it.</p><p>She continued before he could reply. Before he could tell her that nothing could break them. Before he could say that he loves her more than anything. Before he could tell her that she was the strongest person he’d ever met. Before he could remind her that she isn’t pressured to do any of this if she didn’t feel ready. “So, I’m going to try. Conrad, I’m going to try so damn hard to talk about this. <em>But I can’t do it alone</em>,” she practically whispered, her gaze flicking up to meet his. “I know I am practically the worst at asking for help—<em>I don’t know why I do that</em>—but I’m ready now. We both deserve to be happy. <em>And I can’t live like this with all these emotions bursting out of my chest like they are right now</em>.”</p><p>“I’m here, Nic, <em>and I’m not going anywhere</em>,” he replied, his voice shaky. This was going to be a long and emotional day. “I’m here, <em>and there’s nowhere I’d rather be</em>,” he added, his fingers brushing through her hair. “I’m here, <em>and I’m going to be here no matter what.</em> I’m here, <em>and I’m so damn in awe of you</em>. I’m here, <em>and I will never stop loving you</em>.”</p><p>Her heart stopped in her chest, his words echoing in her mind. For a guy who claimed he wasn’t the best at words, he sure knew exactly what to say to her to make her feel like she was the only soul in the universe that mattered and even <em>existed</em> to him (probably because at times he thought that to be true).</p><p>The rest of the day passed slowly. Conrad went back to his apartment to change and shower and get ready for tonight, so Nic was alone with her thoughts for about an hour. Doubts, worries, and fears swirled in her brain, giving her quite the headache. She wished this were easier. She wished this didn’t have to happen at all. She wished she was just not so broken and lost. But simply wishing wouldn’t make anything better. She was doing the right thing. She was ready. She was finally ready.</p><p>Conrad biked to Nic’s house with a similar stew of thoughts bubbling in his mind. He hoped he wasn’t pressuring her. He hoped this was what she truly wanted. He hoped that he could be strong and brave just like she had been all this time. He hoped that he could be there for her in all the ways she needed.</p><p>Three knocks on her front door, her face right there when she opened it, and their wishes and hopes and fears and doubts all melted away and were replaced with a certainty so pure and great it nearly brought them both to tears.</p><p>“Are you ready?” Conrad asked gently, both of them remaining rooted in their places on either side of her door.</p><p>“Yes, Conrad. So ready,” she replied, reaching out to touch him, to bring him closer to her. “Are you ready?” she asked with the same gentleness.</p><p>“Yes, Nic. So ready,” he replied, holding her hands in his.</p><hr/><p>Conrad drove, Nic calmly sitting in the passenger’s seat, gazing out the window at the city passed them by. How each person was leading their own lives with their own struggles and hardships and highs and lows. How even though everyone was in their own little bubble, they all still relied on each other. How nobody could do this alone. And how fucking lucky she was to have a partner like Conrad in all this. She couldn’t help the smile that spread slowly across her face at the thought. <em>All this shit and she gets to do it with him</em>.</p><p>As they exited Nic’s car and began walking towards the building, Nic paused.</p><p>“Hey, are you okay?” Conrad asked, worry creeping into his soft voice.</p><p>Her gaze focused onto him as he stepped closer to her tentatively. She inhaled a deep breath and nodded, exhaling a “yes” before she started up walking towards the building again. She was okay, and she was ready. The next few minutes blurred by, walking through the front doors, signing in, waiting in the hallway chairs, and finally settling down on the soft sofa in front of a lovely young brunette woman as their therapist.</p><p>Nic was broken out of her trance by the woman’s words, “Hello there, Conrad and Nic, yes?”</p><p>“Hi,” Nic breathed, reaching for Conrad’s hand blindly and squeezing it tight.</p><p>“Hello Dr. Moore, thank you for meeting us,” Conrad added, looking towards Nic and squeezing her hand back, silently telling her that it was okay and that she was in control here.</p><p>“Oh, please feel free to call me Jessica. How are you both feeling today? A little anxious?” the young woman asked gently, her voice having an instantaneous calming effect on both of them.</p><p>Nic looked towards Conrad, blowing out another deep breath before saying, “yeah, definitely a little anxious.”</p><p>“Take all the time you need, Nic. Know that this is a safe space, and <em>you are in control here</em>. We are both here to support you. Okay?” Jessica replied gently, glancing briefly to Conrad who nodded at her words. Nic had told her a little bit about the situation they were in, so she had a slight reference point, but she really wanted to hear their story from them. She already knew that these two were inevitable. She could see it in the way that they held each other and in the way that they looked at each other. Not for approval. Not out of fear. But out of love and genuine care. “Whenever you’re ready, would you mind telling me something about the area that you want to focus on today? No rush, we have all the time in the world here.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Nic began, her voice wobbly. She was silent for almost a full minute, gathering her thoughts and willing the words to come out. Once she finally did, she was chasing the feeling of letting it all flow out of her. “Okay, here we go. A little over a year and a half ago, Conrad and I found out that we were going to have a baby. We’d been dating for almost a year, quite seriously, but we both had plans to focus on our careers. The pregnancy was a surprise, but we had agreed to go through it together. We both came from broken families, broken homes, and we both knew that we wanted to start a family. But I was scared out of my mind. I didn’t think I was ready to be a mom, let alone a good mom. But I also already knew that I loved that baby. I was just over seven weeks along, and it was New Year’s Eve. I hadn’t been feeling well all day, and being an NP, I knew that resting was the best course of action for me. So, I went home right after work and––” Nic paused, her heart clenching in her chest at the resurfacing pain, both physical and emotional, that came with these memories.</p><p>“You’re doing great, honey,” Jessica said calmly, noticing Nic’s shift in demeanor as her voice tightened. “Take a deep breath and continue whenever you’re ready.”</p><p>Nic closed her eyes and inhaled slowly, pausing for a few more seconds to collect her emotions and not spill them everywhere so early into session. Once she found her voice again, she opened her eyes and continued: “I went home right after work, and I had every intention to just rest until my head stopped spinning and my stomach stopped churning. Initially, I had done just that. I was on the sofa, resting my eyes, maybe even sleeping a little bit, but honestly, nothing prepared me for the pain that I felt just a few moments after. I–– I hadn’t ever felt pain like that before. I can’t even quite describe it. It was like every single muscle in my body was straining as a piece of me was ripped away. And that’s when I knew that I was–– that I was having a miscarriage.” She closed her eyes as she whispered the word <em>miscarriage</em>.</p><p>“There is nothing to be ashamed of here, Nic. This is your story and your life––” Jessica began before Nic cut her off.</p><p>“But it wasn’t just my life. I lost the baby. I lost our baby. They didn’t even get a chance, and I can’t help but feel guilty about it,” Nic nearly shouted.</p><p>“There is nothing you could have done, Nic. <em>These things just happen, and nobody knows why,</em>” Jessica said calmly, noticing how Nic’s eyes fell glassy.</p><p>“I am not even in control of my own body. I didn’t even know who I was then. I just kept bleeding and bleeding and it wouldn’t stop. And I was all alone and I just––” Nic said, her voice wavering. It was then that she erupted into a fit of sobs. She needed to let it all go. “I was alone and I was so scared. I lost our baby, I was in so much pain, and I didn’t even know why. This horrible, evil thing was happening to me, and I didn’t know why. I wished it hurt more. I wished that nothing good would ever come to me after that. Because whether it was me or just my body, I was betrayed by myself. And if my body rejected something so miraculous as a baby––a completely innocent child––then I didn’t deserve a single good thing that was to happen to me or that had happened to me.”</p><p>Her sentences blurred together as her tears cascaded down her cheeks, “I have never felt so ashamed of myself and my body. I had never felt so powerless. And I never thought how much more powerless I felt when you came through that door, Conrad. You with your tender care, your kindness––I lost our baby and you still held my hand and told me that we were going to make it. I felt like I didn’t deserve you. There is still plenty of me that feels like I still don’t. But the clearest thought in my brain that day when you came, while I laid on my sofa completely helpless and numb to all feelings and pain and sensation, was that I could never put anybody I cared about through that kind of pain ever again. I looked at you and even if you didn’t say it, I saw how much you were hurting.”</p><p>Her heart was racing, and she felt as though she might drown in her own tears, “We didn’t have enough time. We didn’t have any time at all. And I wasn’t about to let that horrible thing that happened define our future––whether that be together or apart. My heart was screaming for you, Conrad, but my head told me to push you as far away from me and never look back. Because for a while all I could see in your eyes was that pain and I just couldn’t take it. And it isn’t your fault. It isn’t your fault at all.”</p><p>Her breathing was erratic, gulping in air as her lungs felt as though they were collapsing into her chest. She was fighting to simply breathe. And yet the words continued pouring from her lips, “But I couldn’t even bear to say out loud that I had a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage. It doesn’t feel real. I had a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage. Conrad, I lost our baby, and even a year and a half later, I can’t even say it without feeling like I’m going to fall apart.”</p><p>She had no idea where her words were coming from. It was like the dam that was holding these memories together and preventing them from flooding her brain had just burst open, and everything came rushing out. Everything came rushing out, and she was feeling everything she felt then. She was feeling everything and reliving all of those horrid moments. Jessica and Conrad just let her speak and do what she needed to release some of this tension and guilt and pain. But she didn’t release any more. She paused.</p><p>“<em>How can I stop feeling this way?</em>” Nic asked.</p><p>That last question instilled hope in Jessica and thrust a dagger of pain into Conrad. Had she been feeling this way the whole year and a half? When he asked her how she was doing and she said she was alright or good even, was this her standard? Or all the times she continued putting everybody first over herself even when she must have been feeling like literal hell?</p><p>For Jessica, it was a signal of wanting to move on from this dark time in her life. <em>How can I stop feeling this way</em> meant she didn’t want to be punished anymore. That she knew she didn’t deserve to be punished like this. That she knew she deserved happiness.</p><p>“How can you stop feeling this way? You keep sharing with us how you felt. How you’re feeling. <em>And you keep reminding yourself that you deserve to be happy</em>. You asking that question means you know you don’t deserve this kind of torment. This is good, Nic. But I can tell there’s more. Whenever you’re ready and you feel comfortable and moved to do so, we would love it if you continued,” Jessica remarked kindly, causing Nic’s eyes to open and look at the brunette woman in front of her. She couldn’t get bear to look at Conrad. She did want him—<em>need him</em>—there with her, but she also knew this was causing him pain. After all, he lost the baby, too.</p><p>“I told Conrad bits and pieces of what I just said now, but this next part—” Nic began, “I haven’t told anybody this next part because I can’t even believe it to be true. I broke things off with Conrad a week after the miscarriage, and if I thought I felt alone that day I lost the baby, I had never felt more alone than I did going home knowing things between me and him were over.”</p><p>Conrad reached out to Nic, slowly intertwining their fingers and letting her know that she never has to feel like that again. Warmth spread throughout Jessica’s chest at the display.</p><p>“I scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist for the morning after we broke up because I needed answers,” Nic started again, “I needed to hold onto something—anything—because my life felt as though it was falling apart. I— God, I can’t do this.” She looked at Conrad, the beginnings of tears in his eyes, watching the love of his life in so much pain while he could do nothing.</p><p>“Nic,” he whispered, his voice wobbly as his eyes filled more with tears, “if anybody can do this, it’s you. I love you, Nic. Please don’t ever forget that.”</p><p>“Okay. But I have to show you. Because I don’t think I can say it right now,” Nic replied as she stood, lifting her shirt and pointing out two thin scars on her lower abdomen.</p><p>“What happened?” Conrad asked quietly, his brown eyes filling with worry and sadness.</p><p>She reached down to his head, caressing his hair softly as she tilted his face up so his eyes met hers. His eyes. His damn eyes showing a storm of pain, worry, sadness, but also love. Love for her no matter what. That love coaxed the words she’d never uttered before into existence, “I needed surgery because I developed choriocarcinoma, a rare cancer following a miscarriage or abortion where placental cells become cancerous. It was localized to my uterus, thank God, so I didn’t need extensive chemo or multiple surgeries.”</p><p>“Oh my God,” Conrad whispered, “oh my God, oh my God.” He placed his shaky hands on her scars. “You had said these were from when you were a ballet dancer as a kid when I asked about them a couple months ago. I didn’t know— oh my God, Nic. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry I made you go through all that alone.” He was crying. No doubt about it. He was crying, and she couldn’t handle it.</p><p>She sunk down to her knees in front of him and cried with him. At this point, Jessica had tears of her own in her eyes, threatening to spill. To miscarry and then find out you have cancer—<em>all alone</em>? And then to be the partner finding all this out a year and a half later, wishing you had done something—<em>anything</em>—differently to be there for her? There were no words to fully describe the magnitude of pain here.</p><p>“You’ve been carrying all this with you for this long?” he whispered into her hair, his cheeks wet with his tears.</p><p>Nic sniffled, not explicitly confirming Conrad’s remark, but definitely not denying it.</p><p>“Fuck, Nic, I’m so sorry,” he whispered again, his trembling hands reaching out to her.</p><p>Jessica let the two of them have their minutes to themselves as they recollected their breaths and Nic moved to sit next to him on the sofa again. She was tense, yet something had relaxed in her. Something about telling her story made her feel a mix of validation and relief and also came with the scary sense that this was all so real and couldn’t simply be pushed it away. And yet, she <em>felt</em> more relaxed. Sharing this story made it real and valid, but it didn’t make it take up more space. It didn’t need to define her anymore.</p><p>“I know that this is extremely hard for the both of you, but I am so in awe of both of your strength. Releasing all of this tension and guilt and stress of these memories is so important for building deep trust. I don’t want you to feel like either of you have anything left bottled up. Just let it all go,” Jessica said softly. “Conrad, I can see the tension rolling off you. What are you feeling right now?”</p><p>“I–– I just can’t believe that I wasn’t there for you, Nic. I wasn’t there when you needed me the most. I feel so guilty that you felt like you had to hide this part of you from me for all this time. I’m so sorry I wasn’t available for you to feel comfortable telling me––” he replied, his voice trembling.</p><p>“I hadn’t been ready until now. It’s not your fault, Conrad. I had been holding onto the past and all that pain, and I honestly didn’t even know how to live without it. It became normal––hurting like that. But it’s not like that anymore. I don’t need that pain anymore because you have shown me that there is so much more than just hurting. I wouldn’t have been ready like this if you hadn’t been so loving and open and caring like you have been. <em>This is not your fault</em>, and I am not telling you all this to make you feel guilty. I’m telling you this because I am ready to, and because you were willing to be open and vulnerable with me with all the things you told me,” Nic responded, looking at Conrad with such determined adoration.</p><p>“There’s one more thing that I have to be open with you about, Nic,” Conrad practically whispered.</p><p>Nic scrunched up her face a bit in confusion––the dried tears crinkling on her cheeks.</p><p>Conrad pulled out his wallet, fishing around in the furthest back card pocket, and he pulled out a little slip of folded paper. He unfolded it carefully, holding it out to Nic with trembling hands. She took it, confusion still etched on her face. She traced her eyes over the little piece of paper, reading its contents: <em>Emily Marie, Charles (Charlie) Logan, Anna Irene, Matthew (Matt) Michael</em>, then when she read the last line, <em>Nevin-Hawkins or Hawkins-Nevin</em>, it all clicked. And fresh tears were now prickling at the corners of her eyes. They were names––names for their baby. And he carried them with him all this time.</p><p>“When did you–– I never knew––” Nic whispered, her voice wavering as a single tear rolled down her cheek.</p><p>“That day you found out we were going to have a baby, at work that day, when I was on break, I holed up in one of the call rooms and just jotted a few things down that I liked. I was going to talk to you about it when we were ready to start thinking about names, but I just couldn’t help it––I was scared shitless, yes, but I was also so excited. And then–– I just couldn’t let it go,” Conrad said softly, Nic’s eyes wide and holding so much sorrow. “This was a big deal for us, and if there was anybody who I would ever choose to start a family with, I knew it then and I know it now, it’s you. <em>You </em>mean everything to me, Nic. And you’re not alone in this.”</p><p>Nic leaned in close to Conrad, gently wrapping her arms around him, uttering small <em>oh my God</em>’s as he held her back.</p><p>“You two clearly have so much love for each other––and had so much love for each other then, too. All of what I heard today was both of your actions taken to protect the other out of love. How the both of you didn’t realize how deep the love for the other is and yet <em>still</em> would sacrifice everything for each other––that’s incredible. You two are inevitable, and don’t you forget that. I want to challenge you, though, to instead of trying to simply protect the other from the pain and hurt, lean into one another. You both have been through so much separately. Try seeing what it’s like facing those challenges together,” Jessica said, her voice holding awe and admiration for the two people sitting in front of her.</p><p>Nic and Conrad shared a look of “yes, we can get through it all together,” and even though tears stained both of their cheeks, smiles found their lips, and even though they both needed time to process everything that was said tonight, they knew that even this couldn’t break them. <em>They were in fact, inevitable</em>.</p><p>“I would also love to see the two of you again a few more times if you would like that. I’m really glad that you decided to come in today. It takes a lot of courage to share all the things you two shared,” Jessica added.</p><p>“Thank you, Jessica, for listening and providing the space for us to start talking these things through,” Conrad remarked, looking down at his hands as Nic slipped one of hers into his.</p><p>“This has been really useful for us, thank you Dr.,” Nic added as all three of them stood.</p><hr/><p>That first night, they tumbled into bed, sleep finding them quickly as their brains, emotions, and bodies were thoroughly exhausted from that session. They returned once a week for a few more weeks, talking through their stories and fears and worries and goals becoming easier and easier each time. They had initially agreed to take things extremely slow, spending time together but not putting any pressure on <em>doing</em> anything. They needed time to heal, and they needed time to process. But they were doing it together.</p><p>“Hey Conrad,” Nic said softly one night as they were getting ready for bed in his apartment.</p><p>“Yes, Nic?” Conrad replied, stepping into the bathroom with her, a hint of concern in his voice.</p><p>“Come here,” she practically whispered, and he followed, stepping closer to her. “I’m not going to break,” she added, reaching down to run her fingers lightly over her scars. “We are both stronger now,” she said, taking half a step back. “And I’m ready to be with you in every way,” she said with a tilt of her head. “No more hiding,” she added before licking her lips slowly. “Because we are inevitable,” she said, her face just a few inches from his. “I have nothing to be afraid of. I never did, really, because you’ve been supportive from the beginning. When the time is right, I want to find out if we can try to have kids again. I want to start talking about marriage, a family, all of it. <em>I know that I’m ready</em>. When we get to that point in our lives, I know that you will be right there with me, <em>every step of the way</em>.”</p><p>Conrad was practically speechless. “You–– you’d want to maybe try again eventually? You see yourself with me, <em>like that</em>?” he asked, his voice soft and low.</p><p>“Of course I see myself with you like that. Do… you?” Nic asked, her voice uncertain, a mix of hope and yearning.</p><p>“Yes, Nic. I do,” he replied, his hands falling to her waist, his thumbs lightly brushing the scars on her lower abdomen. “I’m ready to be with you in every way, too. No more hiding.”</p><p>Nic smiled softly at Conrad. <em>Her Conrad</em>. “We’ve really been through a lot, huh,” she whispered.</p><p>“We really have. Life is hard, and there will always be challenges. But, Nic, I want to face them all with you, together,” he added, closing the space between them fully, his hands sliding around to the small of her back.</p><p>“Me, too, Conrad. Me, too,” she said softly, her hands lifting to the sides of his face so she could finally kiss him. She swore he never tasted so good than when they were both completely open and vulnerable with each other. <em>No more hiding</em>.</p><p>That night, as they laid boneless and breathless together, tangled in nothing but Conrad’s sheets and their own arms and legs, Conrad whispered softly into Nic’s hair just before she could succumb to sleep. “There are no more barriers between us anymore, and it feels amazing. I’m so lucky to have you in my life, and I’ll keep on kicking myself for that every day—that this gets to be my reality. It’s better than any goddamn dream I’ve ever had. I know nothing is conventional with us, but I know that I love you and–– well, Nic, how would you feel about being my girlfriend, you know, officially?”</p><p>Nic could feel the heat radiating from her cheeks and chest, nearly feeling like it all was a dream, but when she sat up, looking at this man in her arms, she saw <em>her always</em>. “Conrad… Hawkins… my… <em>boyfriend</em>…” she whispered between soft kisses on his cheeks, nose, and lips. “Mm, yeah I like the sound of that,” she giggled, snuggling in closer to him, toying with his mother’s ring on her finger as he chuckled softly.</p><p>They would make a point of calling each other “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” the next morning as they got ready to head off to Chastain, smiling and feeling giddy about the whole thing. The labels themselves weren’t really all that important to them, but the deeper meaning of what those terms held was what truly mattered. They wouldn’t obsess over the terms with others, but with each other, the terms represented how far they had come and how much they both had changed. It reminded them that yes, they were in fact, <em>inevitable</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. no more hiding</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Next chapter is up! We’ve got some M-rated stuff after the first italicized chunk of text, but it ends right before the second italicized chunk, so please feel free to skip that if you’re not into it. </p>
<p>Thanks again for all the love and support on this story! Love y’all!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“Come here,” she practically whispered, and he followed, stepping closer to her. “I’m not going to break,” she added, reaching down to run her fingers lightly over her scars. “We are both stronger now,” she said, taking half a step back. “And I’m ready to be with you in every way,” she said with a tilt of her head. “No more hiding,” she added before licking her lips slowly. “Because we are inevitable,” she said, her face just a few inches from his. “I have nothing to be afraid of. I never did, really, because you’ve been supportive from the beginning. When the time is right, I want to find out if we can try to have kids again. I want to start talking about marriage, a family, all of it. I know that I’m ready. When we get to that point in our lives, I know that you will be right there with me, every step of the way.”</em>
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  <em>Conrad was practically speechless. “You–– you’d want to maybe try again eventually? You see yourself with me, like that?” he asked, his voice soft and low.</em>
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<p>
  <em>“Of course I see myself with you like that. Do… you?” Nic asked, her voice uncertain, a mix of hope and yearning.</em>
  
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<p>
  <em>“Yes, Nic. I do,” he replied, his hands falling to her waist, his thumbs lightly brushing the scars on her lower abdomen. “I’m ready to be with you in every way, too. No more hiding.”</em>
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<p>His gaze held hers for a couple deep breaths as they simply took each other in. But soon enough, the air felt charged with a kind of electric current, and his fingers began tracing patterns on her hips and up her ribs, intensifying the sparks in both of their bodies and around them. She shivered in response to him, a soft breath tumbling from her lips.</p>
<p>“Nic,” he whispered softly, and she quickly responded to the tone of his voice and the way he said her name.</p>
<p>“<em>Yes</em>,” she breathed, leaning forward to fully close the distance between the two of them. “Conrad,” she whispered to match his tone.</p>
<p>“<em>Yes</em>,” he replied, his voice coming out more gravelly than he anticipated.</p>
<p>Their faces were a mere fraction of a centimeter apart, breaths tickling each other’s noses, eyes flitting between each other’s eyes and lips. He slowly leaned in, and she closed her eyes. He pressed a series of lingering kisses to her cheeks, to the corners of her mouth, and finally to her lips. She whimpered at his soft, warm lips on hers and his scraggly beard against her smooth skin, and he responded to her sound and her taste and the <em>feel</em> of her everywhere with a low, quiet groan.</p>
<p>He pulled away to look at her, skin flushed, blown pupils swimming in her chocolate orbs, lips parted. “God, I don’t think you’ve ever looked more beautiful, Nic,” he remarked quietly as he brushed her hair back with his fingers. His fingers she loved so much. She closed her eyes and hummed at the feeling, her chest flushing underneath her beige sweater at his comment. She let him run his fingers through her hair a few more times, his rhythmic breathing lulling her and arousing her at the same time, before she opened her eyes and caught him completely mesmerized by her. The way he was looking at her melted her heart, turning her insides to mush and filling her with a warmth only he could bring.</p>
<p>He caught her staring and flashed her a smirk. <em>Cocky bastard</em>, she thought teasingly. She trailed her fingertips along his arm until she interlaced his fingers with hers, removing one of his hands from her golden locks and bringing his knuckles to her lips. She turned his hand over in hers, her initially innocent gesture turning into more as she sucked two of his fingers into her mouth, twirling her tongue around his digits before releasing them with a smirk that completely ablated his. He hummed, trailing his two wet fingers down the column of her throat before tracing them along her collarbone. His lips followed the path he drew with his fingers, and he sucked slightly, increasing the pressure on the divot between her clavicle and neck just until he heard her moan, low and deep like he loved.</p>
<p>She tangled her fingers in his short brown hair, urging his face back up to meet hers in a searing kiss, leaving them both breathless as they pressed their foreheads together. His fingertips danced down her sides, tracing patterns down her sweater until he reached the hem of the material. She pulled her face away from his as she watched him undress her, taking her top of slowly, his eyes dark as night but loving all the same.</p>
<p>“So beautiful,” he said in awe and wonder as his gaze explored her porcelain canvas. She whimpered even though he was hardly even touching her, just ghosting his fingertips over her arms and shoulders. She shuddered, but she craved more, placing her hands low on his abdomen, snaking her long fingers underneath his long-sleeve tee.</p>
<p>“I love you,” she remarked softly, leaning towards him to kiss him and suck his bottom lip between hers. His hands traveled up the expanse of her back, exploring her as if it was their first time. He tried to mumble something into her lips, but it was lost to a groan  as she raked her nails down the front of his torso. Her tongue swiped along his top lip as she busied her teeth and lips with his bottom one, and he tilted his head and granted her more access. She quickly took advantage of the new angle, licking the inside of his cheek with her tongue, and he moaned into her mouth, vibrating her sternum and her soul with his sound.</p>
<p>He wound his arms around her waist, pulling her tighter to him, and she just about gasped, her lips pulling away from his as her fingers tightened in his hair. She felt him straining against his jeans as her lips found his again. She couldn’t help but rut against his leg, and he smirked against her lips at how gone she already was. He bent his knee between her legs, and she ground against him ferociously, her breath shallow as he sucked on her pulse point. Her heart rate was racing, and every single cell in body was attentive to what Conrad was doing to her, what he was making her feel, and how bad she wanted him.</p>
<p>“Conrad,” she mewled, “take me to bed.”</p>
<p>“Mm, you don’t have to tell me twice,” he replied, his voice husky and strained, holding back a groan as Nic trailed her hands up his chest and circled her fingertips around his nipples underneath his shirt. She rolled up the fabric of his shirt as he picked her up, carrying her the short distance to his bed as she chuckled, her laugh breathy and sultry. He felt his cock twitch in his pants at that noise she made. He pressed his hips to hers briefly to try to seek some much-needed friction and alleviate some of the pressure building there. As he was focused on not going mad over her laugh, she had worked his shirt half up over his head, practically yanking it off the rest of the way.</p>
<p>She <em>whined</em> as she took a moment to gaze over the man in front of her.</p>
<p>“I am completely yours, Nic,” he said softly, reaching to caress her gorgeous face as if it was the most precious thing he’d ever laid eyes on. She leaned her cheek into his palm, letting her flushed skin warm his hand.</p>
<p>“Damn right you are,” she replied as she lunged forward, her lips consuming his and her taut nipples pressed to his chest through her bra, sending him falling back onto the mattress and pulling her down with him. She landed with her legs spread across one of his legs, and even though they were still fully clothed from the waist down, the sensation that came with her pubic bone catching the edge of Conrad’s belt buckle drove her nearly to the brink. She cried out helplessly, desperately wanting to feel that again. Conrad seemed to have received the hint, pulling her flush against his hard body, centering her middle with his hip, and he let her grind her tension away against his body.</p>
<p>“I’m completely yours, too, Conrad,” she moaned into the soft space just underneath his ear, causing him to groan and his breath to falter. His hands ran up and down her bare back again, feeling her ribs expand and contract with each heavy breath she took. She sought his lips again, hungrily kissing him as a knot of heat and desire formed deep inside of her. She was already so far gone, and she simply needed release, looking up to catch his eyes with hers. The deep color and the sheer adoration in his eyes was what sent her over the edge.</p>
<p>“Oh fuck, I think I’m going to—” she began, inhaling sharply when he began to roll his hips in time against hers. It didn’t take long before she was blind and deaf to the world, the only sensation in her body a deep thrumming of pleasure radiating from every fiber of her being, as she came. He waited until her breathing had begun to normalize before lifting her to sit more squarely against him.</p>
<p>“Well I’ll be dammed” he began, kissing her for the sole purpose of kissing her, “that’s never happened before.” She flushed a deep shade of red, knowing she came (and not half-assed at all) from <em>dry humping</em> Conrad Hawkins.</p>
<p>“Believe me,” she started, her voice still strained and airy as she ran her fingers through her hair, “it’s a first for me, too.” She slid her body against his again, still highly sensitive, until she felt his heat against hers. She leaned in slowly, her soft lips barely touching his, and she knew she was driving him crazy, but she loved it all the same. He practically whimpered, wanting <em>more</em> of her, but she kept her light pressure consistent as her lips ghosted around his lips and down his jaw and neck.</p>
<p>She reached down between them, pulling at his belt buckle until it loosened, tossing it off the bed and onto the floor with a loud clatter. Neither seemed to care or notice the noise, too completely consumed by each other. She popped the button of his jeans open next, lowering the zipper slowly thereafter, and he gripped her hair and pulled her back up so he could kiss her like he’d been wanting to for the last few minutes—hard and deep. She reciprocated, placing one of her hands on his chest to gently guide him down so he was laying flat on the bed, before she pressed her lips to his so hard they thought they would bruise.</p>
<p>She pulled away then, sitting up abruptly, leaving him heaving for breath down below her. She slid down off his legs so she was standing next to the bed, and her hands traced up the length of his legs until she gripped the waist of his jeans. She pulled his pants down slowly, and he lifted his hips to help with the task, leaving him laying there in his dark boxer briefs. Now this was a sight she’d never tire of. He was <em>hot</em>.</p>
<p>“Fuck, Conrad,” she moaned, practically eye-fucking him already.</p>
<p>He groaned in response, sitting up so he could touch her again. Her hands fell to the sides of his face, her thumbs stroking the skin just above his beard, and his landed on her hips. The scars there really couldn’t be seen unless you were looking for them, but he knew they were there. He leaned forward to press his lips to the slightly raised flesh line of the healed incision site, and she whimpered. He repeated the same act with the matching scar on the opposite hip, and her response was the same. She didn’t have much feeling there, but it was the emotional gravity of the act that shook her to her core. It was that <em>finally</em>, they were in a place where their darkest darks were shared and embraced. Where they knew all their flaws and battles and scars and yet still loved each other so deeply.</p>
<p>“Conrad,” she whispered, his name tumbling from her lips in a way he’d never quite heard before. It startled him a bit, causing his gaze to shift upward towards hers quickly. She combed her fingers through his beard, moving to rest her hands over his shoulders briefly before she coaxed his hands into hers. “Feel my body the way <em>you</em> need to,” she added, her voice soft yet sure, as she placed his hands over her hips.</p>
<p>She hadn’t let him touch her in a way that made her feel vulnerable or that made her feel their loss. She always sought his touch as a way to fill her, to make her forget that void that she constantly had to live with. But when she was alone, she knew that emptiness was there. In time, however, she had begun to find ways that she could process that feeling of loss just by gently gliding her fingertips over the physical places on her body that held that pain. Conrad didn’t have that. He didn’t have a tangible <em>anything </em>to try and alleviate or rationalize or understand that deep, bone-shattering, all-consuming feeling of loss. They had shared a lot over the past few weeks, but she knew that Conrad connected most deeply with touch and physical connection. She needed him to know that it was okay to <em>feel</em>. That it was okay to touch her the way he needed to so he could process, too. She needed him to know that she was ready for him to touch her in a way that made her feel vulnerable.</p>
<p>He splayed his hands tentatively against her hips, and she could feel his fingertips shaking. “It’s okay,” she reassured, one of her hands moving back to where it was previously caressing his face. He gently moved his hands just below her navel, releasing a breath he didn’t know he was holding as he did so. She watched him, seeing the thoughts in his brain racing, as his hands stalled.</p>
<p>“Tell me what you’re thinking,” she said quietly, waiting for his eyes to meet hers.</p>
<p>“I just— I can’t believe all this really happened,” he replied, his voice soft yet thick with emotion. “The baby—<em>our </em>baby—then all the time in between that and the conference, us finding out what happened in that missing time, and now this. All that happened, but we’re here. We’re really here.”</p>
<p>She hummed, her breath faltering. “We’re really here,” she repeated. His hands moved lower, over the waist of her jeans, and she sighed and closed her eyes. His hands were gentle and loving, treating every inch of her skin like gold. He traced his thumbs along the like of her jeans against her skin, his breathing quickening, too. He tore his gaze away from her skin for a moment so he could look up at her, pausing the slow, delicate movements of his fingers. Her eyes opened slowly, and she gazed down to him. Her other hand found it’s way into his hair, twirling short strands through her fingers as she nodded to him, showing him that it was all okay.</p>
<p>He nodded in response, his eyes drifting back toward his hands on her skin before he kissed her where his hands had been. His initial kiss was slightly hesitant, but as he kissed her again, that tentativeness dissipated, and she moaned quietly, her breaths deepening against his lips. He removed his lips from her skin briefly to undo the button at the front of her jeans, unzipping them and pulling the two pieces apart so he could kiss the newly exposed skin just above her underwear. He gently peeled her jeans off her hips and down below her knees before releasing them and letting them fall down around her ankles. She stepped out of them, kicking them to the side before his hands were back on her, caressing her entire lower abdomen slowly, thumbs brushing the line of her underwear up to the scars on her hips.</p>
<p>Her legs had begun to shake, nearly giving out at the love he was showing her. He noticed, moving his hands to the small of her back so he could guide her down to straddle his lap again. As she spread her legs, she felt the cool air against the wetness of her center, and she whimpered softly. They both stilled for a moment, breathing deeply together, eyes locked on the each other’s.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” he asked quietly, holding her face in his hands.</p>
<p>“All this time, I’d felt so empty. But right now, all I feel is how much I love you,” she replied, her hand fanning out over the tattoo over his heart.</p>
<p>He hummed in response to her, bringing his arms around her neck to pull her closer to his body. She slid up his legs until her center pressed against his hardness and her chest pressed against his chest. She kissed him like he was her oxygen—her life source. She knew that he must have begun to feel a bit uncomfortable right about then because he was so hard, so she leaned into him a little harder, tugged his hair a little tighter, and kissed him a little deeper.</p>
<p>“Fuck,” he mumbled into her mouth as he slid his hands up her back and fumbled with the clasp of her bra. He moved back onto the bed a little bit, pulling her with him so she landed a bit higher and directly on top of his rock-hard erection. “Fuck, Nic,” he said again as she bent her head down to suck on his neck. She felt his groan rumble through his throat and vibrate her entire being, making her moan in response.</p>
<p>She pulled away for a moment so she could bring her hands down to the waistband of his boxers, tugging at them slightly and encouraging him to lift his hips so she could finally free him. As he kicked the offending garment off his legs, he finally slid her bra straps from her arms, tossing it off her as she pulled her panties down and off. Suddenly, they were very much naked and very much desperate for each other.</p>
<p>She pushed him back to lay flat again, kissing his face all over and interlacing their fingers together. She rocked her hips into his, and he groaned long, deep, and low at her movement.</p>
<p>“Nic—” he practically choked, panting and trying to hold out.</p>
<p>“I know,” she panted in response, unlinking one of their hands so she could position him against her center while he reached up to touch her, his hand covering one of her breasts and kneading softly.</p>
<p>Her wet heat took him in slowly, making both of them sigh when she felt her hips against his as his cock filled her channel. She was about to rock her hips, needing to feel some friction against her aching clit, but Conrad stopped her with his hands against her legs.</p>
<p>“Hang on, I need a minute,” he huffed, sitting up to gather her in his arms. “Goddamn, Nic,” he groaned, running his fingers through her hair before he pressed a kiss to her forehead. He sat back and looked at her again. She felt a blush creeping back up to her cheeks as he gazed at her. “I lied earlier,” he began, his voice huskier than before, “you look more beautiful right here, right now than ever.”</p>
<p>“Conrad…” she said in response, her voice heavy with desire and love.</p>
<p>His arms came back around her as he kissed her, alternating sucking her lips and her tongue into his mouth, and he finally began to move, making small circles underneath her so her clit bumped against his pubic bone each time. She started sliding up and down his length, perfectly in time with his circular motion beneath, and they were both breathless again within a few short moments.</p>
<p>“Nic— I don’t know if I—” he began, his breath heavy against her cheek, “I’m not going to last much longer.”</p>
<p>“Let go. Let it all go,” she replied, biting his earlobe as she thrust down harder, changing the angle slightly so she began to see stars behind her eyelids.</p>
<p>Every inch of their bodies were pressed together, holding onto each other so tight. She pulled her head back to look at him, and he opened his eyes, not remembering when he had closed them. When he saw her looking at him with so much love, he couldn’t hold back anymore. He threw his head back and screwed his eyes closed, and on Nic’s next downward thrust, he was spilling inside of her with a deep grunt. Watching him come like that, completely absorbed by her, made her heart squeeze in her chest. She thought it was the most incredible thing.</p>
<p>She was enchanted by him, and she didn’t notice Conrad’s hand that came between her legs until he had two fingers on her clit, making her gasp until she found herself clenching her muscles and trembling as he carried her through her orgasm.</p>
<p>The next few minutes were filled with their heavy breathing as they both came back down from their highs.</p>
<p>“You’re gorgeous when you come, you know that?” Nic remarked, cutting through the sound of their breaths.</p>
<p>Conrad chuckled in response, pulling her down to lay on top of him as he fell back onto the bed. She traced aimless patterns over his chest with her fingers, making him sigh softly and wiggle his body even closer to hers. She brought her head up to look at him, and she found him grinning like an absolute idiot. She couldn’t help but smile, too, and he couldn’t help but kiss her. </p>
<p>What had started out innocent and sweet had turned fiery and passionate quickly, and their desire skyrocketed as Conrad rolled the both of them so Nic was underneath his toned body. </p>
<p>With their names on each other’s lips, sweat-slicked skin against each other, and their moans filling the room, they collapsed, folding into each other and feeling completely and thoroughly exhausted.</p>
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<p>
  <em>That night, as they laid boneless and breathless together, tangled in nothing but Conrad’s sheets and their own arms and legs, Conrad whispered softly into Nic’s hair just before she could succumb to sleep. “There are no more barriers between us anymore, and it feels amazing. I’m so lucky to have you in my life, and I’ll keep on kicking myself for that every day—that this gets to be my reality. It’s better than any goddamn dream I’ve ever had. I know nothing is conventional with us, but I know that I love you and–– well, Nic, how would you feel about being my girlfriend, you know, officially?” </em>
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<p>
  <em>Nic could feel the heat radiating from her cheeks and chest, nearly feeling like it all was a dream, but when she sat up, looking at this man in her arms, she saw her always. “Conrad… Hawkins… my… boyfriend…” she whispered between soft kisses on his cheeks, nose, and lips. “Mm, yeah I like the sound of that,” she giggled, snuggling in closer to him, toying with his mother’s ring on her finger as he chuckled softly. </em>
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<p>
  <em>They would make a point of calling each other “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” the next morning as they got ready to head off to Chastain, smiling and feeling giddy about the whole thing. The labels themselves weren’t really all that important to them, but the deeper meaning of what those terms held was what truly mattered. They wouldn’t obsess over the terms with others, but with each other, the terms represented how far they had come and how much they both had changed. It reminded them that yes, they were in fact, inevitable.</em>
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<p>The early morning was quite pleasant since the weather was getting warmer as early spring made its presence. Conrad and Nic laughed and smiled as they walked down the street from Conrad’s apartment the short distance to Chastain. There was a lightness about them now that all of their <em>everything</em> was shared between them. It was quite interesting––they had shared more physically with each other all this time than they had emotionally, and it was the emotional that truly brought their relationship to the next level. It allowed them to access something that they previously could have never done without sharing what they had shared together.</p>
<p>Everything wasn’t perfect, but it was damn close. And because they were finally in a good place, it was time to share with their friends. They <em>knew</em> that they would get so much crap for not telling them sooner, but all that really mattered was that they were there now. <em>And they were going to make it</em>.</p>
<p>“Hey guys!” Devon exclaimed as the pair walked into the hospital hand-in-hand. Devon was aware that sometimes Nic and Conrad would arrive together, but his sweet innocent brain hadn’t put two and two together yet (and given how he still remained ignorant of the actual reason both Nic and Conrad had <em>coincidentally</em> taken showers at the <em>same time</em> on Valentine’s Day, they knew they didn’t have to worry about Devon finding out or even thinking to ask questions about the two of them). They watched his expression shift from his typical happy contentment to wide-eyed shock as his gaze drifted down to their interlocked hands.</p>
<p>“Wait… is this–– are you––” Devon stammered as Nic and Conrad exchanged smiles at his display. “<em>Is CoNic real?</em>” he asked, his voice dropping to a whisper as he leaned in closer to the pair.</p>
<p>“<em>CoNic</em>?” Nic asked, raising one eyebrow while a massive smile was still plastered across Conrad’s face.</p>
<p>“That’s one hell of a ship name, Dev. Come up with that one all on your own?” Conrad teased, and Devon’s face remained a look of shock.</p>
<p>“You’re not messing with me, right? You two are actually<em> together </em>together?” Devon asked again, only to be answered by Nic grabbing Conrad’s face and planting a solid kiss on his lips. Conrad was surprised at her action, grunting quietly, but he quickly gripped her hips and pressed his lips to hers, kissing her back and matching her near ferocity. Devon’s jaw was officially on the floor, and when they pulled away (finally) and looked to their friend, they couldn’t help but laugh.</p>
<p>“Does that answer your question?” Nic replied with a smirk.</p>
<p>Devon opened and closed his mouth a couple times, but no words came out. Nic giggled, certainly not expecting Devon to be so completely surprised, before whispering something to Conrad and beginning to make her way to the Nurse’s Office.</p>
<p>“So… that day… with the shower…” Devon began, finally able to pick his jaw up off the floor and speak, yet still completely flabbergasted.</p>
<p>“Yep,” Conrad remarked, patting his intern on the back before he started down the hall, too, his eyes lingering on Nic before she turned the corner.</p>
<p>“Oh, hold on there,” Devon called after Conrad, “you’re not getting off that easy! I have so many questions.”</p>
<p>“C’mon Harvard, I bet you can figure most of it out. We have work to do,” Conrad remarked when Devon finally caught up to him down the hall.</p>
<p>“Okay, but will you tell me just how long you two have been together? How long have you kept this from me?” Devon asked, feigning hurt and flashing Conrad his best puppy eyes.</p>
<p>Conrad grimaced at Devon’s display, but chuckled afterward. “I honestly don’t really know how to answer that question. We were together for a while last year, then we took a break for a year, and we got back together around the time of the conference. It’s been a rollercoaster since then, but we’re finally there. I’m finally where I’m supposed to be,” Conrad remarked, the cheesy smile spreading all the way to his eyes.</p>
<p>“Shit, you’re whipped, man,” Devon said with a chuckle, earning him a punch in the shoulder from his mentor. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this,” he added as Conrad shook his head and smiled.</p>
<p>“I know how I feel about Nic. That’s never changed, and it never will change. <em>She’s everything</em>,” Conrad replied, his eyes practically sparkling as he smiled sheepishly.</p>
<p>Devon smiled back at his mentor, never having seen him so damn happy before. “You guys are inevitable. Congrats, man,” Devon responded, Conrad’s smile infectious as he felt himself smiling, too.</p>
<p>Before things continued down this emotionally vulnerable path, Conrad grabbed a tablet and opened up a patient’s chart, passing it off quickly to his intern. “Thanks, Devon,” Conrad added before they both ducked into a patient room and officially started their day.</p>
<p>Both Nic and Conrad found they had a sort of renewed energy, the long hours in the hospital seeming to flit by faster than they anticipated, and before they knew it, the end of their shift was eminent, and they met up in the hallway.</p>
<p>“Hey, you,” Nic remarked, her voice playful and happy as her eyes met Conrad’s.</p>
<p>“Hey, beautiful,” he replied, matching her tone and speeding up his stride to meet her. “So, what’s the damage?” he teased.</p>
<p>“Devon,” Nic began, starting to list off the people who know about them.</p>
<p>“Mina and AJ,” Conrad added.</p>
<p>“Kit,” Nic said with a smile.</p>
<p>“Irving,” Conrad chuckled.</p>
<p>“Bell?” Nic asked.</p>
<p>“Hm, I don’t think so—” Conrad replied, until a voice interrupted.</p>
<p>“What about me?” Dr. Bell asked, looking between Conrad and Nic.</p>
<p>“Oh! Dr. Bell, hi,” Nic said, tucking her hair behind her ear as she blushed.</p>
<p>“Everything okay with you two?” he asked, raising his eyebrows slightly.</p>
<p>“Yes, everything is really good between us. And we have something we’ve been wanting to share with you as part of our Chastain family,” Conrad began, reaching for Nic. He pulled her closer to him, and Dr. Bell couldn’t help but smile.</p>
<p>“Conrad and I— we’re in a relationship,” Nic added, noting the way Dr. Bell practically beamed at them. “So… I suppose we have to talk to HR to update our disclosure forms,” she added.</p>
<p>“No you don’t,” Dr. Bell replied, a smirk fully adorning his features as he was met with Conrad and Nic’s expressions of confusion. “Mina may dropped a hint or two about you, and I may have had a bit of a hunch myself,” he continued, “it’s not every day that you witness someone sacrificing and caring as much as you both do for each other. I have two new relationship disclosure form copies for you right here.” He handed both of them a tablet and they each signed it, checking the “romantic relationship” box.</p>
<p>Something about finally being out in the open about their relationship, sharing this massively important part of their lives with their closest friends, felt so beyond good.</p>
<p>Dr. Bell bid them farewell and congratulations, and as they walked out of the hospital and towards the 404 Tavern, smiles simply would not leave their faces.</p>
<p>The night was fun and light, spending time with each other and their friends. <em>No more hiding</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. anything</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sorry for the delay! I got a little bit distracted writing other things (oops...) but here we go with the next few chapters of angst! </p>
<p>Please be aware that this chapter deals with drug abuse and there are a couple 'critical condition in the hospital' related scenes.</p>
<p>I hope you all enjoy and are so excited for the season 4 premiere in 13 days!!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They settled into their relationship being in the open quite nicely. They rarely spent a night apart, and when they did, it was most likely because their shifts were opposites. They had also exchanged keys to their places a few weeks ago, and they’d led themselves in with increasing frequency. Once, Nic had just stepped out of the shower, hair wet, clad in only her towel, and he walked through the door. Needless to say, they needed another shower quickly after, but the overall air between them felt light and <em>good</em>.</p>
<p>They alternated where they stayed each night, sometimes at Nic’s and other times at Conrad’s. There was rarely any rhyme or reason for whose place they’d choose, besides the occasions where one of them would explain how ‘I have no clean laundry at your place, and I’m not showing up to work in the same clothes I wore yesterday’ or the ‘I want to watch a movie and my sofa is ten thousand times more comfortable than yours’ situations.</p>
<p>This particular day, at Chastain, they had decided Nic’s place was chosen for that night for the sofa reason––she loved her sofa, and now that they had discussed everything about the miscarriage, Conrad felt more at ease in her house and in that place specifically.</p>
<p>Stolen glances throughout the day had led them to a five-minute make-out in the supply closet earlier, and as the end of Nic’s shift approached quickly, she found Conrad in an empty hallway.</p>
<p>“See you at yours?” Conrad asked, glancing around the hallway briefly before a knowing smirk spread across his face.</p>
<p>“Mm, absolutely,” Nic replied, her voice mostly breath as she leaned in and kissed him just long enough to both quell a little bit of the desire and pull they both felt for each other all day while simultaneously stoking the fire that was blazing between them.</p>
<p>“God, I love you,” he remarked, sliding his hands down her shoulders as she tilted her head to the side and smiled––a warm, completely-stupid-in-love smile.</p>
<p>“I love you, too. And I’ll see you in a few hours,” she replied, glancing over her shoulder again before leaning in for one last kiss, her fingers sliding into his hair, making him hum softly.</p>
<p>“Fuck,” he mumbled as they pulled apart, “okay, if I don’t go right now, I’m going to have to have my way with you right here.”</p>
<p>Her eyebrows shot up, and when she watched her boyfriend deliciously teasingly lick his lips, she was actually considering taking him up on that offer. But they were startled apart by an alarm Conrad had set on his phone, tragically reminding him his break was over. He paused there for a moment, and Nic could see the internal debate that was going on inside his brain.</p>
<p>“Conrad, go,” Nic said, reluctantly but firmly, following up with “you get to have your way with me when your shift is over. And I promise, I’ll make it worth the wait,” in a sultry whisper before she turned on her heel and started walking down the hall, leaving a stunned Conrad behind her. “Close your mouth, Hawkins,” she added over her shoulder, not even needing to look back to know he was standing there, mouth agape, willing every muscle in his body to not chase after her and pin her against the nearest surface.</p>
<p>He couldn’t help but chuckle at her remark, being reminded again of how fucking madly in love with her he was. He continued on with work, meeting with Devon and guiding him through his first interaction with the beloved (well, maybe not <em>beloved </em>necessarily, but certainly <em>famous </em>amongst the hospital staff) patient, York. The remaining hours of shift passed without much of a hitch, and a York-induced very upset and flabbergasted Devon served as the cherry on top of another great day.</p>
<p>Until one person was rushed through the ED doors.</p>
<p>Until one person was rolled through the ED and placed in a trauma bay.</p>
<p>Until one person who he never expected to see back here in the ED arrived.</p>
<p>“Jessie?” Conrad whispered as he saw the transpo team rushing Nic’s sister into the bay. Immediately, his pager went off, and he rushed to her bedside.</p>
<p>“Twenty-nine-year-old female, fell unconscious at the scene, tachycardic and hypotensive…” the EMT relayed to Conrad and the two nurses that were with him.</p>
<p>His mind flitted back to Nic’s speech at the conference, about Jessie. About the special bond they will always share. About how much they had been through together. About all that they still wanted––<em>needed</em>––to do together.</p>
<p>
  <em>When my mom passed away and my dad left, my little sister and I felt alone. Not the kind of alone where you know deep inside that you still have someone, anyone, around you, but the kind of alone where you know you’re totally alone. The kind of alone that makes you wish your thoughts would scream out of your mind so that you’d hear something. Anything besides the sound of your own breathing. The first few weeks were tough. But we talked to each other. We listened. And we found part of our mother in us. Our ability to listen to each other was what got me through one of the toughest times in my entire life. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>That was when I stumbled into medicine. And when I stumbled into the rigor and hours of studying. By the time I was applying to college, my sister and I had grown further apart. She had her friends, and I had my books. We stopped eating dinner together. She’d come home later, and I’d wake up earlier. We fell out of touch with each other even though we knew deep down that we were all the other had. The only real family we had left. The only real family we truly remembered. Our dad slipped in and out over the years, but not enough to leave any lasting impact on either one of us. His silence and disappearances spoke volumes.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I remember the day I left for college. I will never forget the look in my little sister’s eyes. It was terrifying because it was something I had never seen before. It was something I never noticed because I was too focused on my studies and my work than I was of her. I stopped listening to her. I lost her, too, that very day. She and I weren’t in touch at all when I was in school. I kept trying to reach out, but my texts were met with read receipts, my calls with voicemails, and my letters with silence. I wanted––needed––to see her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>So, I went home one weekend, and I found her on the ground, OD’ed, and I had never felt so much fear. I stayed with her in the hospital all weekend, and I took a week off school so I could be with her. I remember both of us crying so much that day. We’d kept too much from each other. We hadn’t listened in years. I was in the middle of medical school applications, getting notifications of interviews across the country, but there was only one place I wanted to be. I finished my last semester of college online from home as I stayed with my little sister, and I decided that my path to medicine would have to wait. She went to rehab, and I worked two jobs as well as started volunteering again at the same clinic my mother did. My sister and I ate dinner together over videochat every day while she was inpatient, and when she was transitioned to outpatient, we fell asleep holding each other each night. She told me everything, and I listened. I had no idea how hard of a time she was having because I stopped paying attention and checking in with her, and she didn’t want to disturb me in my studies. We lost each other because we stopped listening.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>But she was more important to me than any offer from any medical school. We spent the year together, and she started working at one of her favorite clothing stores and as a freelance photographer. Every time she sends me her new projects, I am just so happy that this world gets to have her. Because it almost didn’t. My sister has been and always will be such a light in my life like my mother was.</em>
</p>
<p>The world almost lost Jessie then, and there was no way in hell it was losing her now.</p>
<p>“Devon!” Conrad yelled across the ED, getting the young intern’s attention quickly. He rushed to reach Conrad’s side, concerned at the way he called his name. “Call Nic,” he said quietly, handing him his phone with trembling hands, “tell her that her sister is in the ER.”</p>
<p>“This is––” Devon began, “oh my God.”</p>
<p>“Where’s the crash cart?” Conrad asked, moving to the head of Jessie’s gurney, having one nurse run and bring it as he and two others helped move her from the gurney to a hospital bed.</p>
<p>The next moments passed slowly. Everything was fine. Everything was <em>perfect</em>. Until this moment.</p>
<p>Devon called Nic, and Conrad could hear her worried voice on the other end. “Nic, you need to get here as fast as possible. Conrad and I are here with your sister in the ED.” The nurses and another physician called out what they were doing, ordering doses of medication, putting in IV’s and adjusting flow rates. And Conrad caught a glimpse of Jessie’s face. She looked so much like Nic. He knew <em>s</em><em>he couldn’t lose her</em>.</p>
<p>“She’s in V-tach,” one of the nurses stated, followed by the shrill of the heart monitor blaring.</p>
<p>“Let’s get the pads!” Conrad exclaimed, tearing through the crash cart and finding the defibrillator pads, quickly tearing the packaging as one of the nurses cut into Jessie’s sweater to expose her skin.</p>
<p>“V-fib,” the nurse added, noting the change in Jessie’s heart electrical activity.</p>
<p>“Charge to 150,” the other physician stated. “Clear,” he added, waiting for everyone to step back before shocking Jessie.</p>
<p>They all watched the monitor, waiting for a change––<em>anything</em>.</p>
<p>“Okay, she’s tachy but we’ve got a sinus rhythm,” Conrad exhaled. “Can we get an ultrasound over here? And can we run a full panel? We’ve got to figure out what the hell is going on,” he asked as one of the nurses sprang into action and grabbed a machine while the other filled a few vials of blood from the IV line and rushed them down for testing.</p>
<p>“What––” a shaky voice asked, piercing through the sounds of the ED. <em>Nic</em>. “What happened?” she asked again, running to stand next to Devon who kept her outside the room.</p>
<p>“She came in unconscious, tachy, and hypotensive. We have no idea what’s happening, but Conrad’s on it. Nic, your sister is in good hands,” Devon said calmly as Nic nervously ran her hands through her hair, trying to process everything that was happening.</p>
<p>“I don’t understand. She was <em>fine</em>. I just talked to her yesterday–– God, Devon. I–– <em>I can’t lose her. I’ve lost too many people</em>. Please, not her,” she practically whispered, tears prickling from the corners of her eyes.</p>
<p>“We’re all here, Nic,” he replied, his heart breaking for her.</p>
<p>“She’s in renal failure. We need to get her on dialysis right now,” Conrad stated, glancing at Jessie’s bloodwork results, “before she codes again,” he added.</p>
<p>Nic couldn’t hear what was going on. She just stared at Jessie. At her sister. Her only family left. <em>She couldn’t lose her, too</em>. She was completely frozen in her spot, remaining unresponsive until Jessie had stabilized and was responding well to dialysis.</p>
<p>When Conrad exited her room, he immediately found Nic and held her close. “She’s stable,” he said quietly, “but her kidneys are failing, and I have no idea why.”</p>
<p>She just cried. She couldn’t do anything else. Her eyes kept drifting to where her unconscious sister laid, and she couldn’t help but be transported back to the first time she was in this situation––when Jessie OD’ed.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>FLASHBACK TO SEVEN YEARS AGO</strong>
</p>
<p>“Jessie? Hey, I’m really worried about you. You can always go over to my place, okay? That’s why I gave you a key. Please give me a call back when you get this. I need to be sure you’re okay,” Nic hurriedly and worriedly breathed into the speaker of her phone as she waited for the bus to arrive at the stop she was pacing in front of. Jessie had left a somewhat (very) concerning message just a few hours earlier, almost sobbing into the phone as she profusely apologized for something Nic simply couldn’t follow.</p>
<p>The bus ride from university back to her house was long and dreadful. She couldn’t help but feel as if something was <em>off</em>. The way things were left with Jessie’s message on the phone was unnerving. Nic hoped that her little sister was safe. Though they’d been slacking on their communication, she still loved her deeply. With all her heart. They were the only family each other had. They couldn’t lose each other.</p>
<p>As soon as Nic arrived at her stop, she ran out of the bus and to her front door, calling out her sister’s name. When Nic pulled out her keys, she froze when she noticed the door ajar. She pushed through the cracked-open door, her heart racing.</p>
<p>“Jessie?” she called again, her voice shaking along with her trembling hands. “Oh God,” she whispered when she registered that Jessie was lying unconscious on the floor of her kitchen.</p>
<p>Her veins felt like they were pumping ice through her body. <em>This was her sister. Unconscious. On the floor. </em>Because she wasn’t there. She wasn’t there for her. She dropped the goddamn ball and it may have cost her sister her life.</p>
<p>“Jessie, come on. It’s me. It’s Nic,” she cried as she knelt down beside her sister’s limp body. “Okay, call 911, Nic. Check her airway and heart and sensitivity,” she said quietly to herself as she did all the things she was telling herself to do.</p>
<p>The ambulance arrived within ten minutes, and Nic ensured her airway was protected, her heart rate was strong and regular, and that she was responsive to <em>some </em>kind of stimulus. She rode with Jessie in the ambulance, never letting go of her hand. As the EMT’s asked if Nic knew of anything that could have caused something like this, she had to answer a quiet “no.” She didn’t know what could have happened to her sister because <em>she wasn’t there for her. </em></p>
<p>The arrival and settling into the hospital went by in a blur. Nic couldn’t really process anything that was happening—she only had her eyes locked on her unconscious sister. When the physicians ordered Narcan, Nic’s heart dropped. Narcan meant an overdose. Narcan meant she really didn’t know her sister at all.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>PRESENT DAY</strong>
</p>
<p>“Nic?”</p>
<p>“Nic, are you okay?”</p>
<p>“Hey, can you hear me?”</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>FLASHBACK TO SEVEN YEARS AGO</strong>
</p>
<p>“Mm,” Jessie hummed a few hours later, stirring and opening her eyes tentatively as she looked around the strange room she was in.</p>
<p>Nic immediately stirred from her sleeping position in a small plastic chair which she had pulled up against the edge of Jessie’s bed.</p>
<p>“Jessie? Oh my God,” Nic breathed as she gripped her little sister’s hand.</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry,” Jessie replied hoarsely, “<em>I’m such a liability</em>.” Tears rolled down her cheeks as she came to understand where she was and how she got there. “I never wanted for you to see me like this. I’m so sorry.”</p>
<p>“Jess, never <em>ever</em> say that,” Nic replied sternly, yet her voice wavered with sadness. “You are <em>not </em>a liability. You are my sister, and I love you. No matter what. We will get through this. But for now, I’m just so glad you’re okay.”</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>PRESENT DAY</strong>
</p>
<p>“I’m here. It’s me. You’re safe.”</p>
<p>“Can you look at me?”</p>
<p>“Hey, I need some help over here.”</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>FLASHBACK TO SIX YEARS AGO</strong>
</p>
<p>“One year,” Jessie remarked, smiling softly at her older sister. “One year clean.”</p>
<p>“I’m so proud of you, Jess,” Nic replied, snuggling into Jessie’s embrace as they sat together on her sofa. “I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost you that day. I was so scared,” she added, closing her eyes at the memory.</p>
<p>“I’m here, Nic,” Jessie stated. “I was given a second chance, and I am so lucky to have you by my side, supporting me every step of the way. I couldn’t have done any of this without you.”</p>
<p>“Jessie––” Nic began.</p>
<p>“Nic,” Jessie interrupted. “You are amazing. You put your whole life on pause. <em>For me</em>––”</p>
<p>“You’re my sister. Of course I’d do anything for you––” Nic interrupted next.</p>
<p>“But I want you to un-pause your life now. <em>I want to see you happy again, too</em>,” Jessie remarked, causing a brief silence between the two sisters as Nic processed what Jessie had said.</p>
<p>“I <em>am</em> happy. I’m so happy, Jess. I have you––” Nic began, baffled at how her sister could possibly even think that she was unhappy with their situation.</p>
<p>“And you’ll always have me, Nic. But what about the things <em>you</em> wanted to do? Medical school? Following your dreams? Nic, I want that for you. I want you to feel like you can live your life, too. I know that you’re grateful for mine, and I will always know that. But I want to watch you grow into the person you always wanted to be. Just based on this past year––on how well you’ve taken care of me––I <em>know</em> you’d make a fantastic doctor.”</p>
<p>Nic sat, dumbfounded, at the words that were pouring out of her sister’s mouth. She really had put her life on pause––her application season was long over, her MCAT expired, and she didn’t have any money to reapply. But she just nodded. She just nodded and smiled through the tears that threatened to pour because more than anything, she wanted to see her sister happy. And if that meant that she might never go into medicine, she was willing to risk it for her.</p>
<p>But then, Jessie got her an offering. <em>Her sister</em> who she almost lost was giving her the greatest gifts of her life––a second chance with her, and a ticket into the world of medicine.</p>
<p>
  <em>I was out with her one morning, driving her to a meeting with one of her newest clients, who happened to be the CEO of Chastain Memorial Park Hospital. She usually didn’t ask me for rides, but that day she did, and I knew she had something up her sleeve. Turns out, my little sister was taking Chastain’s CEO’s headshots, and the topic of me and medicine came up, and she really wanted to meet me. She told me that day that because of my dedication to service, the work I was doing at the clinic, and my schooling already, that Chastain would fund my medical school if I returned there for residency and fellowship. I asked if I could shadow for a couple months before deciding, seeing as I had to wait another full year before I could reapply. She granted me shadowing, and I learned all about how the medical field operated. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I remember one instance where a young boy was brought into the ED and instantly, a team of six or seven people were working together to save the boy’s life. I stood near the corner of the room, just watching. The boy ended up stabilizing, and as the doctors wrote a few notes and signed off on a few medications before moving to talk to the family, there was one young woman left in the room. She sat with that kid until he woke up, and she was the first one he saw, comforting him when all he could initially feel was panic. She was listening to him just like my mother had. After the parents came in and the young woman left the room, I followed her out. She and I ended up talking throughout the entire rest of the day, and when she told me that she was an NP, I just knew that was what I was going to do. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I asked if Chastain would support my nursing school, and the CEO said she would. I applied, was accepted, went through, graduated, and came back to Chastain. As an NP. I love my job, but I love working with everyone more. Working through tough problems and difficult diagnoses, leaning on each other for support when we’re exhausted or emotionally drained, and telling each other funny or horror stories both within the hospital and outside of it––all of that keeps reminding me of how right my decision was for me.</em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>PRESENT DAY</strong>
</p>
<p>“Woah woah woah, I’ve got you. Easy now, <em>easy</em>,” a gentle voice vibrated through Nic’s sternum. It was the same gentle voice she heard earlier but was unable to respond to.</p>
<p>Her chest felt tight. It felt so tight she thought her heart and lungs were going to squeeze out from between her ribs. And she was being held. Warm hands holding her rigid body so gently.</p>
<p>“I–– I can’t–– I–– can’t–– I can’t––” Nic panted quietly, fisting the scrubs of whoever was holding her.</p>
<p>“I’m here. You’re okay, Nic. Can you breathe with me?” the voice asked, removing one of her hands from his scrubs and interlacing her fingers with his.</p>
<p>“I––” she began, her throat feeling tight and dry, “<em>please</em>.”</p>
<p>“Nic, I need you to <em>breathe</em>,” the voice continued, and she felt his chest expand. Hers expanded along with his as he coaxed her to do one of the most basic actions––inhaling, then exhaling, then inhaling again. Breathing. She was breathing.</p>
<p>The world faded back into view slowly, and she realized that it was Conrad’s arms around her, Conrad’s hand holding hers, Conrad’s voice soothing her, and Conrad’s breath giving her life. She pulled him towards her, noticing that she was slumped on the hospital floor against the wall of Jessie’s room. “Thank goodness you’re here, Conrad. God, <em>thank you</em> for being here. For being everything––” she whispered against the side of his face as his body pressed into hers, following her hand guiding him towards her.</p>
<p>“Nic, you don’t need to thank me. <em>I am always going to be here for you</em>. I love you, and we will get through this,” he replied softly, squeezing her hand to let her know how serious he was. They sat there in silence for a few minutes, just holding each other</p>
<p>“My sister is in renal failure. How did this happen?” she asked, her voice trembling as tears began to spill from her eyes. “<em>I can’t lose her, Conrad. Please,</em>” she sobbed into his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Nic, we are going to do everything––” he began before she immediately pulled her head back and looked him dead in the eyes.</p>
<p>“No,” she said sharply, “I don’t want to hear you say that. That’s what you say to the families of your patients who <em>you know are not going to make it</em>. Conrad, please. Do you think she has a chance?”</p>
<p>“She needs a new kidney if she’s going to have a fighting chance here,” he replied quietly, feeling her begin to tremble in his arms again.</p>
<p>“Test me right now,” she said through shuddering breaths. “Conrad, I need to know if I’m a match.”</p>
<p>“Nic––” he began.</p>
<p>“If it were me––if I needed a new kidney––what would you do?” she interrupted.</p>
<p>“<em>Anything,</em>” he replied, after a brief pause, his voice barely above a whisper.</p>
<p>She inhaled sharply as her gaze held his, understanding where his concern was coming from yet also feeling so compelled to do <em>anything</em> to give her sister a chance.</p>
<p>“Can I send you with Devon?” he asked calmly, holding her tighter, grounding her and bringing her back to him. Back to here and now. Back to this decision she was about to make.</p>
<p>“Anything. Just <em>please</em>,” she replied, her voice quivering.</p>
<p>“Hey Dev––” Conrad began.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Devon replied, holding his hands out to both of them. They stood slowly, Nic still gripping onto Conrad’s shirt.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Conrad said softly, holding Devon’s gaze to ensure he knew how grateful he truly was for him. He stroked his fingers through Nic’s hair slowly, and she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, letting Conrad’s touch calm her.</p>
<p>“No problem,” Devon replied, nodding at Conrad. “Whenever you’re ready, Nic,” he added, turning his attention towards her.</p>
<p>“It’s going to be okay,” Conrad whispered against her temple. “I’m right here for you. <em>Always</em>,” he added as he laid a soft kiss there. She leaned into his kiss, whispering a soft “thank you.”</p>
<p>“I’m ready,” she said quietly, glancing between Devon and Conrad. “Please––”</p>
<p>“––I’ll let you know if anything changes,” Conrad finished her thought, giving her a soft smile.</p>
<p>“I love you,” she whispered, pulling him in for a chaste kiss, just to feel that he was real. To feel his heat against her lips. To feel that he really was there. That she wasn’t losing <em>everything</em>.</p>
<p>“I love you, too, Nic,” he replied as she pulled away, fresh tears threatening to spill from her eyes. She turned away before they could, and Devon guided her out of the ER and down to the organ transplant department so she could take a compatibility test.</p>
<p>She was dazed. She didn’t remember anything from her visit besides the technician saying, “I’m sorry, you aren’t a match.” Her heart broke in two. <em>She couldn’t help her sister</em>.</p>
<p>“Do you have any other family you could contact? Immediate family is typically the best bet for chances of organ donation compatibility,” the technician added, and Nic’s heart sank further.</p>
<p>“<em>No</em>,” she answered quietly, “my mom passed away when we were young, and my dad walked out on us years ago. It’s just me and my sister. We don’t have any other family.”</p>
<p>“I understand,” the technician replied, “I’m so sorry.”</p>
<p>Nic’s eyes only lifted from the floor when the door to the room she was in clicked shut after the technician left. She let herself cry. She let herself rage. She let herself go through it all. She sobbed and nearly screamed and felt hot tears against her also flaming skin.</p>
<p>In her rage, she pulled out her phone and scrolled through her contacts to find the one number she never thought she’d call again. Kyle Nevin. Her father.</p>
<p>The line rang.</p>
<p>And it rang.</p>
<p>And it rang once more.</p>
<p>But instead of hearing the voicemail message she had grown far too accustomed to, he picked up. “Nicky?” he asked, hope surging through his voice.</p>
<p>“Kyle,” she replied, the ice in her tone freezing his breath through the phone.</p>
<p>“Is everything––” he began with trepidation.</p>
<p>“No, <em>everything</em> is not okay. <em>Nothing</em> is okay. Why on earth would I call you if <em>anything</em> was okay?” she interrupted, the bite in her voice shocking herself. She took a deep breath and attempted to soothe the fiery rage that was threatening to burn through her skin. “Look, Jessie is sick. She needs help, and you might be the only person who can help her in time.”</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>Typical.</p>
<p>“Of course I’ll help her. I’m her father,” he replied after a few breaths.</p>
<p>“That didn’t seem to mean much to you up until now,” she added through gritted teeth.</p>
<p>“I’ve made plenty of mistakes. I walked out on my family. And I know I don’t deserve a place in it ever again, but I will take whatever I can get. I want to do whatever I can to help Jessie get better. And I want to see you again. To tell you how sorry I am for, well, <em>everything</em>,” he said, his voice wavering slightly.</p>
<p>“Chastain Memorial Park Hospital,” she said quietly, not acknowledging the dump of emotion that came with his words and just the sound of his voice, “get here as fast as you can.” She hung up before she heard him say “I love you.” She knew he said it. She <em>knew</em>. But she couldn’t take it. She <em>couldn’t </em>hear it. Because if she did, it would probably break her all over again. Just as she was beginning to find peace with her inner demons.</p>
<p>She was going to see her father.</p>
<p>But this time, she wasn’t alone. Her mind shifted to thinking about Conrad briefly, and she was able to feel a smile tug at the corners of her mouth. <em>Always</em>, he had said. <em>Always</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. walk inside my heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Happy New Year everyone! So excited for the premiere in 6 days!!</p>
<p>Here’s the next chapter with some Kyle/Nic/Jessie angst, following pretty closely to the season 2 storyline (all the way to the end of that storyline... 🥺). Tw: death</p>
<p>I ended it with some CoNic fluff because I think because even though 2020 was a really difficult year for so many reasons, we can start 2021 off positively. </p>
<p>I hope you enjoy! It’s becoming a little bittersweet with this story being almost 2/3 of the way done. I am so happy you all are reading and commenting :)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Kyle,” Nic said softly but without emotion in her voice. She was both surprised that he came but also highly skeptical of what his intentions were. He always had an underlying selfish reason for everything he did. She just needed to figure it out before he found a way into her emotionally fragile heart.</p>
<p>“Nicky,” he replied with a breath. She was really there, standing right in front of him. His daughter. He had no idea what to say. Too many years had gone by, and too much silence had stretched between them.</p>
<p>“Thank you for coming,” she stated after clearing her throat, sensing the tension. “I didn’t think you would,” she added quietly, fiddling with her badge attached to her scrub top.</p>
<p>“Thank you for reaching out. It means a lot to know—” he began, his voice wavering slightly.</p>
<p>“Jessie’s room is the first one on the left. Her doctor can go over everything with you. I need a minute,” she replied, feeling her chest tightening again as she looked up at her father and their eyes met for the first time. All the pain, all those years, and all the gravity of the situation came hurling down at her, and she was suddenly very overwhelmed.</p>
<p>She had spoken to Conrad the day she called her father—yesterday—and he reassured her that he would be there for her however she needed it. He asked if she wanted him to go over Jessie’s prognosis with him instead of having her do it, and she was hesitant at first, but now she completely understood why he asked. He had made amends with his father just a few short months ago, and she couldn’t help but feel a little jealous. Not in an unhealthy way, just in a longing way. Her and Conrad were so similar in many ways, and they used to share hatred for their fathers, too. But now, Conrad was working on accepting and living forward from the trauma of his past with his father, and she just couldn’t see herself doing that. They had been so focused on figuring out their <em>them</em> that they didn’t really talk much about the <em>other stuff</em> like their fathers. She was torn. Part of her wanted to work to understand <em>why the hell a father would just leave their kids</em>, but the other part wanted nothing to do with a man like that.</p>
<p>“You’re not coming with?” he asked, his voice gentle and extremely startling to Nic as her thoughts whirled around in her head.</p>
<p>“I just— I need a minute, please,” she replied, her voice losing that strength she possessed when she first spoke with him the day before on the phone and then in the hallway just now.</p>
<p>“Take your time,” he began, “I can’t imagine what this must feel like right now. I’m just— I’m sorry, Nic. I don’t know what else to say.”</p>
<p>That made her blood boil. “You have nothing to say about the way you <em>abandoned</em> your family? About how you <em>left </em>your two young daughters after their <em>mother </em>had just passed away? You really have nothing to say? You haven’t said <em>anything</em>for almost twenty years, Kyle. And you still have nothing to say. God, I was so stupid, thinking that you would be here for anyone but yourself. But that’s just it. You’re here to clear <em>your</em> conscience. You don’t care about Jessie or me— you <em>never did</em>,” she practically spat as she felt her eyes begin to fill with hot tears. “So no, I’m not going with you right now. If you want to see Jessie then you’re going to go in there and speak with her doctor. Not me. You and I? <em>We have nothing</em>.” She felt so broken. She needed air.</p>
<p>It was like the entire room had been completely voided of oxygen in the time she had made eye-contact with him. And so she left. She turned around and made her way out to the back of the hospital where the ambulances came in so nobody would see her completely break down. Everything bubbled to the surface and boiled over, and it felt like she had third-degree burns from the way her words heated her skin and the way his eyes bore into her, digging up that little thirteen-year-old girl who was grieving the loss of her mother and who had lost her father in a completely different way. He made her feel vulnerable in a way that she despised. He made her feel weak and small and <em>tortured</em>. She let him burn her again, and she couldn’t help but scold herself for being so stupid.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Kyle was left standing in the hallway, torn about which direction to go. He stood there for a while. Thinking. Thinking about how he had managed to fuck everything up so bad, about how he was losing both of his daughters, about the way that Nic’s words had completely frozen him because she was absolutely right. She was right about him. <em>What kind of man leaves his two kids alone because he couldn’t fucking handle it?</em> Life is hard. And he wasn’t strong enough to handle it all. So he took the coward’s way out. He ran. And he tried to forget. But he just couldn’t. The more time that passed, the more it all hurt. The more he realized that he’d never get to have a place in his daughters’ lives because they grew up without him. They didn’t ever really know him. <em>And he chose that. </em></p>
<p>He walked slowly down the hallway and into the first door on the left. He was faced with a beautiful young woman, unmistakably his daughter, laying in a hospital bed semi-conscious, and a young resident with a caduceus tattoo on his arm, propped against the wall.</p>
<p>“You must be Kyle,” the resident said calmly, and Kyle nodded. He noticed the absence of Nic, and he knew that he would have to check on her after Kyle’s visit with Jessie. “My name is Dr. Conrad Hawkins, and I’ve been Jessie’s doctor through these difficult past few hours.”</p>
<p>“Jessie,” Kyle practically whispered, “God, what happened?”</p>
<p>“Kidney failure,” Conrad replied and Kyle’s face paled, “Nic had said that she wanted you to know what was going on with Jessie. So I am going to ask you now, would you like for me to talk you through her diagnosis and treatment options?”</p>
<hr/>
<p>Nic cried. She had no idea what else to do. There was nothing else she could do. She hadn’t let herself cry in front of him because <em>he couldn’t win</em>. Not again. But now she was alone, and she could cry. She needed a goddamn minute. Hot tears cascaded down her hot cheeks, and <em>God, why was it so hot</em>—</p>
<p>“Hey,” a soft voice said, interrupting her near panic.</p>
<p>She sniffled a little before rubbing her eyes and turning around to meet the eyes of the one person she could have ever wanted in that moment. “Hey,” she squeaked, her voice weak and quiet.</p>
<p>Conrad didn’t say anything more. He just moved his body close to hers as she flung her arms around him and held onto him like she would float away if he didn’t tether her to the ground.</p>
<p>“How did you do it?” she whispered into the space between his neck and shoulder as her tears stained his scrub top. “How did you find it in you to forgive your father?”</p>
<p>“Nic, you can’t compare our situations— <em>I</em> left my father, but yours… <em>there is no possible excuse for what he</em><em> did</em>. If you’re not ready to forgive him, then you don’t have to,” he began, holding her and gently gliding his fingers through her hair. “But, if you’re wondering how I forgave myself and my father, then you have to know that it all started with you. You showed me how to give him another chance, you showed me the kindness in myself and in him, and you were the one who told me that though I may have hated him, he was the only father I had. You didn’t push me, and you didn’t rush me, but you opened my eyes. I want to be there for you however you need me to be. You two have a long road ahead, but I am going to be with you every step of the way. I meant what I said yesterday— I’m here for you, <em>always</em>.”</p>
<p>She pulled away slightly from him, her misty chocolate eyes finding his sweet brown ones, and he nodded slightly, emphasizing his words. She leaned towards him and pressed her lips to his briefly, letting a few final tears fall from her eyes, and they sighed into each other.</p>
<p>“Mm, what did I say?” he asked, low and soft.</p>
<p>“Exactly what I needed to hear,” she replied, a small smile flickering across her lips and in her eyes. She exhaled deeply, releasing some of the tension and anger she felt just a few moments ago before Conrad came and calmed her down. “Okay, I’m ready to go back in,” she said quietly.</p>
<p>“Are you sure?” he asked, searching her eyes for doubt or negativity.</p>
<p>But she simply smiled, nodding her head and whispering a quiet but sure <em>yes</em>. He smiled back, pressing a kiss to the top of her head before they both made their way back into the hospital and back into Jessie’s room, meeting her father’s eyes for the second time in the past twenty years.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Days passed, and Jessie was improving and stable with dialysis. Kyle was slowly coming to terms with the news he received that he was indeed a match for Jessie and could donate his kidney, and Nic was stressed beyond belief knowing that Jessie’s time was limited, and she still had no idea whether her father was a match for her little sister. Then there was the organ broker, lies about not being a match, and confrontations between Nic and Kyle at the abandoned lake house he was hiding out at. <em>I’m a coward</em>, he had said. <em>Yes, you fucking are</em>, Nic replied, practically seething. <em>I’ll always be the same selfish man</em>, he added. <em>You don’t have to be</em>, she countered.</p>
<p><em>I lost my child I didn’t even know. And it has been killing me ever since it happened. I didn’t even get to know them. You had a chance to know your daughters. Don’t miss out on it now when you have the chance just because you’re afraid. Because that loss? It hurts even if you never got to meet them. It will always hurt. It will always hurt because as much as you try to distance yourself, you still love them</em>, she had said.</p>
<p>Something inside of him shifted then. Like she had just put everything in perspective for him. Suddenly, he had so much clarity. <em>It will always hurt</em>. He loves his daughters. <em>He doesn’t have to be the selfish man he was</em>. He fucked up, and he never deserved to be forgiven for that, but he could start to choose to do the right thing now. And that was exactly what he did.</p>
<p>He showed up at Chastain later that day. “Does anybody need a kidney around here?” he announced. The smile on Nic’s face was something he would never forget. <em>She was proud of him</em>. It was the first time he’d seen her <em>proud</em> of him. When he had the option to stay or run, he chose to stay with their family. Because no matter how broken they were, they were in fact, “team Nevin.” Connected and bound by blood. Years and silence and anger separated them, but time would help heal those wounds. They’d be left with scars and bruises, and the past could never be forgotten, but there was a whole future ahead of them.</p>
<p><em>When I think about my life and my future, I see you in it. I didn’t have a father growing up, but I do now. Birthday parties, anniversaries, just going out to dinner for the hell of it, walking me down the isle at my wedding—you’re there, dad,</em> she had said, and he didn’t miss the fact that she had called him ‘dad’ for the first time since she was a little girl. <em>I see you and Jessie in my life for good. We’ve lost enough time, and we’ve all hurt too much. I want us to be a family again. </em></p>
<p><em>I want that, too. I want to be there for all those moments you talked about</em>, he had replied.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, they didn’t have enough time, the three of them together. Jessie coded while Kyle was still unconscious. When he woke, he had a scar across his throat to match the one down by his hip. The nurse in his room told him it had something to do with complications during surgery. When he asked about Jessie, the nurse’s face fell. His whole world came crashing down. <em>He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t save her. </em>And it fucking hurt.</p>
<p>That moment in Jessie’s room when the monitor flatlined was quite possibly one of the worst moments in Nic’s life. She had already lost so much, and to have Jessie taken from her was another tally on the “life is fucking cruel” board.</p>
<p>It took hours to tear her away from that hospital room. She didn’t eat. She didn’t say anything. She couldn’t feel her limbs. When her sister died, a piece of her did, too.</p>
<p>“Nic, I’m so sorry,” a voice behind her had said.</p>
<p>She couldn’t reply. When her sister died, her throat went completely dry. Her tongue was paralyzed. She simply couldn’t speak. She had no idea how she was still standing upright or even breathing. The oxygen felt wrong in her lungs, but she just kept breathing while she knew her sister couldn’t even do that.</p>
<p>She doesn’t remember getting in her car and Conrad driving her home that night. She doesn’t remember screaming about how unfair the world was as he helped her inside. She doesn’t remember crying until she passed out only to wake and cry again.</p>
<p>She does remember reading dozens of documents, confirming her sister’s identity, and scribbling her signature in countless places. She does remember Conrad holding her hand as she meandered back into Kyle’s hospital room. She does remember sitting in his room and letting herself cry with him.</p>
<p>She remembers her favorite moments with her little sister. She remembers telling Kyle and Conrad those memories until the sun dipped below the horizon and darkness spilled into the room. She remembers going home with Conrad that second night. She remembers how good it was to feel his body against hers. She remembers the way Conrad tried to take as much of her pain away as he could with his caring hands and loving eyes. She remembers that life is precious—that love is precious—and that she was indeed ready to truly work to repair her relationship with her father. She remembers how she only slept because she was completely emotionally drained.</p>
<p>She remembers feeling like this pain would never go away. And maybe it wouldn’t.</p>
<p>She remembers talking to Mina. She remembers Conrad laying on the ground after the fire and explosion in the proton-beam accelerator room. She remembers whispering into the smoke-filled room that he was going to be okay—that he <em>had </em>to be okay and that life couldn’t fucking take him, too. She remembers laying him down on the floor of the observation room next to the OR and him telling her to stay. She’d always stay.</p>
<p>Nobody is guaranteed the life they have. Nobody is guaranteed tomorrow or even five minutes from now. Losing Jessie devastated her because it reminded her again—in a sick and twisted way—just how precious life and love is. Though it hurts like hell to lose someone you love and care so deeply about, she would take that feeling and the feeling of the love and care over not loving anybody or anything else ever again.</p>
<p>She would still love as fiercely as she had.</p>
<p>Weeks turned to months. And that void was still there. But each day, as she transitioned back into her routine with the people she loved, she was able to feel the love for her little sister spread deeper and deeper throughout her entire body and the ache a little less.</p>
<p>She hadn’t been ready to let her go the first time they were in that field of black-eyed Susans. But the second, surrounded by her friends and colleagues and family she loved so fiercely, she felt warm. She remembered the happy memories of her and her sister. She remembered the way she would feel with her sitting next to her, cuddled up on her sofa watching some trashy rom-com that she hated but Jessie loved. She remembered the excitement in her sister’s eyes when she landed her first big client for her photo business. She remembered how her sister paved her way to Chastain. She remembered the love they held in their hands and hearts and eyes for each other.</p>
<p>She wasn’t letting Jessie go. She was simply sharing her love for her with the earth. She was sharing her spirit with the wind. She was sharing her memory with the flowers they both loved so dearly.</p>
<p>Every day she faced death. It was all in a day’s work at Chastain. She had support networks and resources and people to talk to about it all. And this time, she wasn’t afraid to ask for help. She took time off, she talked to Conrad, she started having regular coffees with her dad, and she took care of herself. The pain was still there, and it would be there forever. But she didn’t let that pain define the relationship she had with her sister. She didn’t let the pain cover up the precious happiness they shared.</p>
<p>She smiled more. She had a new outlook on her life and where she was. She had a new outlook on love and the way she showed it.</p>
<p>Conrad was amazed at the way she was handling all of this. She was open about when she was having a rough time, and she told him when she needed space or when she needed to hold him and never let go. She asked to be off work for a little longer than he had anticipated, but she insisted he go back sooner than she did.</p>
<p>She would read and write for hours, sitting in the quiet of her house or Conrad’s apartment. She clicked through the photos that her little sister took, scrolled endlessly through her website, and let her heart fill with the love and memory she so cherished about Jessie.</p>
<p>And she finally felt peace.</p>
<hr/>
<p>“Hey, I didn’t know you’d be back so soon,” she remarked as he hobbled his way into his apartment with his crutches the day after that horrid explosion in the proton-beam accelerator room. “I would have come picked you up,” she added, raising her eyebrows at him, playfully scolding.</p>
<p>“It’s alright, Devon dropped me off,” he replied softly, wiggling out of his jacket and attempting to remove his shoes. “How are you doing?” he asked, his sweet brown eyes never failing to melt her heart.</p>
<p>She uncurled her legs from where they were tucked underneath her and padded across the room to meet him. “I’m actually doing really well today. I was at the clinic for a few hours, you know, breaking and entering after Red Rock shut us down, and going back to work felt really good.” Her words brought a wide smile to his face, and she couldn’t help but reciprocate. “How’s the ankle?” she asked teasingly, already knowing the answer.</p>
<p>“Eh,” he began, only to be met with a look of ‘I don’t buy that bullshit for a second, Conrad Hawkins’ look from his girlfriend. “Well… it’s better than it was yesterday, but it still hurts like hell.”</p>
<p>“Come here,” she said softly, guiding him to the sofa to sit. She untied his shoes and pulled them off gently, followed by his socks, and she rolled the leg of his jeans up slightly so she could take a look. She knelt down beside him, electing to sit on the floor so she could examine him closer. “Mm, it’s still pretty swollen,” she remarked, her gentle fingers tracing around the discolored flesh of his ankle. “How did you make it up all those stairs?”</p>
<p>His face twisted into a small smirk at her question. “Uh oh, what did you do?” she asked, her voice low, making him smile even harder.</p>
<p>“Devon may have carried me most of the way,” he replied, laughter threatening to bubble out of his throat.</p>
<p>“<em>Devon </em>carried you up three flights of stairs?” she asked, baffled.</p>
<p>“Bridal style,” he added pointedly, unable to stifle the laughter then.</p>
<p>She erupted into a fit of giggles, too, imagining Conrad in Devon’s arms, the young intern whisking her boyfriend up and into his embrace.</p>
<p>“Wow,” she said through her laughter, “you owe him.”</p>
<p>“I’ve saved his ass countless times. The score is still in my favor,” he teased, making her laugh again.</p>
<p>“God, I’ve missed this,” she remarked as their laughter began to die down.</p>
<p>“Me, too, Nic,” he added, sensing the shift in the tone of their conversation.</p>
<p>“This year has been tough, but I know that together we can get through anything,” she stated, her hands moving from where the rested on his ankle to interlace with his fingers.</p>
<p>“You’re amazing, Nic. I’m so lucky to have you in my life,” he replied, squeezing her hands a little to emphasize his point. “It’s been a rough year, but I couldn’t imagine making it through any of it without you.”</p>
<p>She smiled at that. Because she felt exactly the same. Something had shifted between them in that moment, and they could both sense that they wanted a taste of forever, and this time, it felt tangible and near. They’d talked about it in the abstract, but this felt so real.</p>
<p>
  <em>It had been a rough year, but when they realized that they could get through all of it and any of it together, it was solidified that they would be together forever. </em>
</p>
<p>She missed her sister every day, but the love for her was still in her heart, and the way she showed her love for the the important people in her life hadn’t dwindled or faltered. She wasn’t afraid to love, and she wasn’t afraid to dive headfirst into the love she held for the man sitting in front of her.</p>
<p>She climbed slowly up to sit next to him on his sofa, reaching gently yet surely for his face. He went willingly, reaching for her, too, and as their lips met, they felt charged with an electricity neither had felt before.</p>
<p>It was new, it was special, and it was forever.</p>
<p>Because even when the people you love are no longer walking the earth beside you, they will always have a place to walk inside your heart.</p>
<p>So she wasn’t afraid to go all in with the man she loved more than anything. She wasn’t afraid to love.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. ours</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Had some inspiration, so I wrote it. Apologies for the inconsistency that I put these chapters up. I initially tried to stick to a schedule, but that just really didn’t work for me.</p>
<p>This chapter is very much M. It’s fluffy smut because I literally can’t write anything else 😂</p>
<p>I hope you all enjoy! Only 11 more chapters left!! Comments / critiques welcome :)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>It had been a rough year, but when they realized that they could get through all of it and any of it together, it was solidified that they would be together forever. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She missed her sister every day, but the love for her was still in her heart, and the way she showed her love for the the important people in her life hadn’t dwindled or faltered. She wasn’t afraid to love, and she wasn’t afraid to dive headfirst into the love she held for the man sitting in front of her. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She climbed slowly up to sit next to him on his sofa, reaching gently yet surely for his face. He went willingly, reaching for her, too, and as their lips met, they felt charged with an electricity neither had felt before. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It was new, it was special, and it was forever. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Because even when the people you love are no longer walking the earth beside you, they will always have a place to walk inside your heart. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>So she wasn’t afraid to go all in with the man she loved more than anything. She wasn’t afraid to love.</em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>She ran her tongue along his bottom lip, silently asking permission for more. Asking for all of him. And he’d give it to her. He’d give her his everything and make it hers. And she’d do the same. He gave her tongue the access she craved, and she immediately tasted every inch of him, running her soft tongue over his teeth and along his cheeks and intertwining with his own. He moaned quietly into her mouth, and she swallowed down all of his noises. She pulled away after a few more long moments of kissing, and the look in his eyes made her moan (<em>actually</em> moan). His brown eyes sparkled and glistened with desire and love and adoration for her, and she felt her heart leap in her chest.</p>
<p>“I love you,” he remarked, his smile crinkling his eyes, “and I want to keep loving you forever.”</p>
<p>“I love you, too,” she began, “forever,” her voice far breather than she had intended. “But I’m not going to pick you up bridal-style.”</p>
<p>“Shame,” he teased, laughing along with her. “But will you help me stand?”</p>
<p>“Conrad, I don’t want to hurt—” she began.</p>
<p>“You’re not a doctor, you’re not going to hurt me,” he teased. “Please, I need you,” he added, his tone shifting to almost pleading (though he would never admit that).</p>
<p>Jesus, he was so pretty when he begged.</p>
<p>“Come here,” she stated, grabbing his hands and pulling him up to stand, bearing his weight on his good ankle. His body was flush against hers as he stood, and she whimpered at the contact. “Hold on tight,” she said quietly after she found her breath again, her voice low and sexy and uniquely for him.</p>
<p>“Mm, nothing I’d rather do,” he replied, his voice lowering, too, and sending shivers down her spine. He gripped her waist and her shoulder, and she helped him walk towards his bed. “I know it’s been a little while, and we haven’t— I—” he said, stumbling over his own words.</p>
<p>“Hey,” she interrupted, “I love you. It’s just you and me. It’s us.” She moved her hands to his face, and he sat down on the edge of the bed, getting all of the potential pressure off his ankle so he could focus all of his attention on Nic.</p>
<p>“It’s us, and that’s<em> everything</em>,” he replied, reaching up to where the hem of her shirt rested against the waist of her flowy shorts. He delicately guided his fingers underneath her shirt and up her torso as she slid down to straddle his lap, her seemingly endless legs draped over him. She kissed him again as he worked her shirt up until she had to wiggle her arms free and pull it over her head. As she removed her shirt, he quickly tossed his t-shirt away, leaving him sitting beneath her clad in his dark jeans, which were doing very little to conceal the effect she was having on him.</p>
<p>She bit her lip looking at him, at how <em>hers</em> he looked. He must have been thinking the same because he reached between their bodies and snaked a hand down beneath her underwear so he could feel how much she wanted him. So he could feel how <em>his</em> she was, too. She moaned and arched into his fingers as he touched her and slid his fingers along her highly apparent slickness. They were only half-naked at that point, but they were too far gone to really care. There was only one thing they both needed right then—each other.</p>
<p>Just as she was beginning to feel herself succumbing to the heat and tightness stirring and blooming deep inside of her, he removed his hand from where he was coaxing her to her highest highs. She whined (actually, genuinely whined) at the loss of his skin and touch and heat against her, and he groaned at that—just knowing how deep she was in all this, in <em>them</em>. Her rich, chocolate eyes flicked up to meet his dark, brown ones, and she watched as he slowly sucked the fingers that were coated in her wetness into his mouth. She watched, the heat inside of her spreading through her body like wildfire, and released a strangled breath at his display.</p>
<p>“You taste like heaven, Nic,” he groaned, satisfied in getting every single drop of her juices off his fingers, and she exhaled another shaky breath.</p>
<p>“I’d like to taste you, too,” she remarked, her voice thick with sex and desire.</p>
<p>He felt his pants tighten at those words and tone and the overwhelming power of <em>her</em>. Even though they were very comfortable with each other and their relationship both in the emotional and physical senses, they still found ways to check in about consent. It was hot, knowing what the other wanted to do and how badly they wanted to do it, and it was also hot knowing that through all that desire and passion and flame they still cared deeply about each other and had comfort and safety at the forefront of their minds.</p>
<p>“God, yes,” he said on a thick exhale. “But please, I’m going to come in my pants here soon,” he added with a throaty chuckle. It was most definitely not a lie or an exaggeration, and she knew it. The things this woman did to him—it was seriously insane. He would find himself nearing the end of a long shift, thinking about seeing her and holding her and the way she smelled, and suddenly he was very quickly very hard. He’d have to think about the disgusting and horrific Logan Kim, the one time he caught Irving clipping his toenails in the call room, or the intricacies of that awful spiel about up-coding (courtesy of Barb, was it?) to calm him down. Sometimes she’d walk by in the hallway and he’d catch a whiff of her shampoo and have to excuse himself to use the restroom quickly because she would have unknowingly distracted him to the point of needing to take care of himself immediately. He loved her more than anything, and he just wanted to tell her over and over and over until he ran out of oxygen and the world stopped spinning, and then he’d find a way to convey it to her until the end of time.</p>
<p>Her laugh brought him back to the present moment, and before he could process what was going on, she had slipped off his lap and knelt down on the floor in front of his bed, her face level with his groin. Her hands were on his chest before journeying down to his jeans and quickly stripping him bare for her. She licked her lips languidly, and she took his hard length in her hand, pumping him a couple times before his hand wrapped around hers, stilling her movements.</p>
<p>She looked up at him and saw that he was breathing hard and heavy, his eyes nearly black with arousal, and he didn’t need to say anything because she knew he was close already. She placed one lingering kiss onto his throbbing member before parting her lips and sliding his cock into her warm, wet mouth. He immediately reached for her hair, fisting a chunk of her golden tresses and groaning at the overwhelming feeling of being with her—of being loved by her. It couldn’t have been more than a couple minutes, but the way she was swallowing his cock and hollowing her cheeks to suck him tight against all of the surfaces of her mouth was deeply maddening. He felt himself losing control quickly, and he barely managed a “fuck, Nic,” before he was spilling down her throat. She sucked and swallowed down his release, humming at the warmth he poured into her, and he felt her cheeky little smile lingering against the tip of his cock when she released him.</p>
<p>“Fuck, you’re smug,” he panted, gulping the oxygen of the room into his lungs. He opened his eyes slowly, taking in the image before him slowly—Nic still on her knees, one of her hands down into her underwear (the thought of her touching herself as she sucked him off stirred something deep and primal within him that had him thinking about round two already), her hair a tangled mess from how hard he was gripping it, and her eyes wild and burning with desire and love.</p>
<p>“Smug?” she teased, lifting an eyebrow as she returned back on his lap, stretching out her legs from kneeling on the hard floor.</p>
<p>“Smug, yes,” he repeated, earning him a playful slap across the chest. “And incredible,” he added, laughing at her display. “Gorgeous, too,” he whispered as his lips ghosted along the side of her face. “And sexy as hell,” he added once more before she felt his teeth nibbling on her earlobe. And the atmosphere was back to their flaming hot desire for one another.</p>
<p>“Mm, Conrad,” she hummed, and he didn’t think his name ever sounded better. She felt his cock twitch again between her legs, and she moaned and rocked her hips against his. She was still wearing her shorts, panties, and bra, but Conrad had a plan to remedy that shortly. He pressed messy, open-mouthed kisses starting unearth her ear and down her neck to where her collarbone protruded underneath her bra strap. His hands glided about her porcelain canvas with ease and so much familiarity, and she marveled at how well he knew her body. She thinks about that a lot—the fact that he knows her like no one does—and she couldn’t help but moan softly at the fact that it’s one of the hottest things in the world.</p>
<p>While his lips and tongue and teeth marked her neck and around her collarbones, his hands found the clasp of her bra and quickly unhooked it, freeing her breasts from the confines of her bra. Because she worked at hospital, her lingerie was relatively simple and utilitarian—nothing frilly or lacy or intricate in any way, and there was no way in hell any of her pieces matched—but he loved it nonetheless. Sometimes, if she had a day off and was feeling particularly frisky, she’d surprise him. But it wasn’t the fact that she was wearing something sexy, it was that she <em>wasn’t</em> wearing <em>anything</em>underneath her clothes at all. He’d touch and kiss her, and when his hands moved underneath her shirt to find her breasts exposed, he’d groan and kiss her harder, instantly tearing off the clothes she was wearing in record time. The first time she hadn’t worn any underwear, she thought he’d had a heart attack, and he fucked her so thoroughly that night she was sure she wouldn’t walk straight the following morning. All the little things they found out about each other, and all the little ways they communicated to each other, were immensely special. It was uniquely theirs, and it became their normal and their <em>always</em>.</p>
<p>The little love bites he left on her skin were growing more prominent with each passing second, and this time, it was her that was fisting his short, brown hair when his thumb grazed over her taut nipple. She hummed when he did it again, his lips leaving where they had been quite busy latched to her neck as he turned them over so she was laying flat against his cool sheets and he was hovering above her.</p>
<p>She gasped at the sudden change in position, but she welcomed it all the same. He wiggled one of his arms underneath her and slid her up the bed so her legs were no longer dangling off the edge and his face was level with her chest. He spent time kissing the space between her breasts, getting close to where she wanted him but never quite reaching it. “Conrad…” she pleaded. Scratch whatever he had thought last about his favorite way his name was said—<em>that way </em>was for sure his favorite.</p>
<p>And yet he couldn’t deny her. His tongue circled her right nipple, and she sighed out of pleasure, the initial soft hum of arousal turning into something far more as he rolled the taut bud and sucked on the sensitive skin around her nipple. He made sure to give her left one equal love and attention, and the soft noises she was making were sending him down the fiery path of arousal once again, too.</p>
<p>“God, Nic, you’re fucking stunning,” he remarked through a groan, causing her breath to hitch. Something she didn’t think she’d ever get used to were moments like these, where she was reminded of the fact that he feels the same about her that she does about him. He was fighting to maintain composure and control, but his desire was evident, growing thicker and heavier against her thigh, and she desperately wanted to make love to him again and again. But he had a different mission. He nipped down the soft skin of her stomach, shifting down her body until he was at the edge of the bed, his head between her legs, and his hands underneath her shorts.</p>
<p>“Fuck,” she moaned as he tossed her shorts away, off the side of the bed, and he sucked on her pussy through the fabric of her panties. She was already wet, but oh boy was she <em>soaked</em> at this point. “Conrad…” she mewled, bucking her hips up in search of more friction.</p>
<p>“Tell me what you want,” he stated, moving from her center to kiss and nip at her inner thighs.</p>
<p>“You <em>know</em> what I want,” she replied, her voice tight with anticipation and arousal.</p>
<p>“I know that I know, but I just want to hear you say it,” he remarked, and she could feel him smirk against her thigh. <em>Smug bastard</em>, she thought.</p>
<p>“Conrad, please,” she whined, every fiber in her body focused on not squeezing his head between her legs and keeping him there until she came.</p>
<p>“I want you to say it for me,” he repeated, drawing little patterns on her hipbone with his fingers. “I want to know <em>exactly</em>how you want to come. It’s so hot when you do that,” he added, his voice deep and gravely.</p>
<p>“Fuck,” she moaned at his voice, and she felt him smirk again. She’d make sure to tease him about it later, but for now she was too focused trying to produce coherent language so he’d finally bring her to seeing stars in his amazing way. “You could start by taking these off,” she remarked in a huff as she snapped the waistband of her simple black underwear against her skin for emphasis.</p>
<p>“Mm, consider it done,” he replied, sliding the thin garment from her legs before she could even blink so she was bare to him. He continued kissing her, each time getting just the slightest bit closer to the apex of her thighs.</p>
<p>“God, Conrad,” she moaned again, trying to catch her breath as she glanced down and saw that he was licking his lips, ready for whatever she told him to do. She hummed at that thought. “Tongue…” she began, and before she could say anything else, he ran his tongue from her entrance up to her clit. She swore her brain short-circuited right then, and she had no idea how he managed to keep her on the bed. She heard the echos of her moans in his apartment (and silently apologized to his poor neighbors) and felt his hot breath against her core.</p>
<p>“Like that?” he teased, already very well knowing the answer.</p>
<p>She glanced between her thighs, shooting him a look of ‘are you fucking serious right now?’ and he chuckled. “Now you’re just fishing for compliments,” she reciprocated his tease even though she was almost totally gone from all the pleasure. He laughed at that, and she smiled earnestly, weaving her fingers through his hair again and adding, “but yes, <em>just like that</em>.”</p>
<p>She watched his eyes darken, and he instantly went back down on her, lapping and sucking, and holy <em>fuck</em> that man was good with his tongue. He circled her clit then dove back down between her folds, over and over, and she could feel her wetness against his beard.</p>
<p>The fucking <em>sounds</em> that he drew from here were so filthy. She moaned and mewled and groaned, and he couldn’t help but rut against the sheets, seeking a little bit of relief from the sexual tension she instilled in his body. Nic never really considered herself a loud sexual partner, but something about the way that Conrad worked her up—specifically tonight—made her completely lose her mind. His teeth grazed her sensitive nub, and she felt a rush of wetness between her legs before he latched onto her swollen bundle of nerves and <em>sucked</em>.</p>
<p>“Oh <em>shit</em>,” she cried, no longer able to keep her thighs apart, locking his head in place. Though, he didn’t seem to mind. He was actually spurred on my her response to him, sucking harder, flicking his tongue back and forth, and humming into her when she began to tremble. She tightened her grip on his head with both her legs and her fist in his hair, and then she came <em>hard</em>. He carried her through it, switching from sucking to gently lapping up the wetness that had thoroughly coated her thighs, his face, and the sheets below her, until she whimpered out of overstimulation, dragging him back up so she could hold more of him close to her.</p>
<p>“Good?” he asked, the boyish smile on his face making her heart skip a beat. Somewhere in the corner of her mind, she thought about what that smile would look like on a child of their own, but she let that thought stew a little as she caressed his cheeks, wiping some of her sticky wetness off.</p>
<p>“Fucking incredible, Conrad,” she replied, her voice mostly breath. She was still panting when he situated himself between her legs, not rushing her, but also growing increasingly in need of release. She felt him hard and beginning to leak a bit of his pre-come onto her thigh, mixing with her own wetness, and she was ready, too.</p>
<p>She brought his head down to meet hers, tasting herself on his tongue while she was sure he could still taste a little of himself on hers. She spread her legs wider before wrapping them around his midsection, positioning his cock right against her soaked entrance.</p>
<p>“Do you need a minute?” he asked. <em>Always the courteous and caring lover</em>, she thought.</p>
<p>“The only thing I need right now is you,” she replied, full well knowing how incredibly cheesy that was. He huffed a slight bit of laughter at her remark, but she kissed it away, combing her fingers through his hair and tightening her legs around his body. “Are you ready?” she asked, her lips still against his.</p>
<p>“God, yes,” he replied, pressing the tip of his cock against her folds. “You, too?”</p>
<p>“Mm, yes, Conrad,” she replied, warmth seeping back into her core as his cock plunged deeper into her.</p>
<p>They shared a sigh as he slipped easily into her, filling and stretching her perfectly until their pubic bones touched and his cock was fully buried inside of her. He pressed his forehead to hers, relishing this feeling of wholeness and completion.</p>
<p>“God, I love you,” he practically growled, his hot breath against her flushed cheek as he slowly began thrusting in and out of her tight heat.</p>
<p>“I love you so much,” she replied, turning her head to glide her lips over his. They weren’t entirely kissing, more so just breathing and panting into each other and occasionally nipping and biting each other’s swollen lips. Her fingernails dug into his shoulder blades, simultaneously urging him to continue and grounding herself.</p>
<p>Bodies slick with sweat, heat rising from their flesh, and a symphony of moans and noises of pleasure along with the sound of skin against skin filled the next few minutes. “Fuck, Nic, I’m so close,” he groaned into the side of her neck, drowning in her scent as he plunged again and again into her core.</p>
<p>“Mm,” she hummed and exhaled in response, feeling herself nearing her peak, too, “you feel so fucking good.”</p>
<p>She didn’t typically come from penetration alone, and she would be completely fine not coming again, but he circled his hips on his next down thrust and that all-too-familiar tightening in her abdomen and that all-too-familiar fire burning in her body began to make their presence known. He did it again, and once more, and she was sent sailing over the edge, her back arching off the bed as her nails nearly drew blood from his arms and her moans came out as one long continuous one. She was still completely out of it when he came just moments later, his rhythm losing finesse and his thrusts harder and faster as his breath quickened before he paused and sunk his teeth into the flesh around her collarbone. His hot semen poured into her core, and she briefly remembered how she had felt his come down her throat just a few minutes ago. Her eyes fluttered closed as they quietly worked to catch their breaths and he tried his best to remain hovering over her instead of crushing her with his weight, but she pulled at his arms so he was laying against her.</p>
<p>They loved these moments. Yes, they loved their fiery passion and brazen touches and kisses, but they also just loved holding each other, with as much skin pressed against each other as possible. Her legs relaxed from around his waist as he slipped his cock out of her core, a rush of their mixed desire pouring onto the already sex-stained sheets. She opened her eyes to look at him, skin flushed, hair tousled, breathing still heavy.</p>
<p>“Hi,” she breathed, kissing his cheek softly, bringing him back to her from whatever dimension of heaven he was just in.</p>
<p>“Hey,” he replied, his voice equally breathy, that same boyish smile gracing his features.</p>
<p>“We made a mess,” she giggled, referencing the stickiness between their bodies and between her legs.</p>
<p>“And we’ll make a hell of a lot more of one,” he teased, “if you’re up for it.”</p>
<p>“Mm, the question is if <em>you</em> are <em>up</em> for it,” she teased right back, swirling her fingers around the letters inked across his back.</p>
<p>“There are many, <em>many </em>things we can do before <em>that</em>,” he replied, his hands caressing the sides of her body.</p>
<p>Her breath caught in her throat, and she flushed at the thought of <em>all</em> that could be done.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Sometime late in the night, after round who-the-fuck-knows, they stumbled out of the shower, replacing the sheets on the bed with the freshly washed ones from the laundry, and collapsed into the clean sheets and into each other. With their hair still slightly damp and having forgone clothes, they snuggled against each other so they shared the warmth and breath of each other.</p>
<p>And they slept.</p>
<p>The next morning, Conrad woke to the sun streaming through his large windows and Nic already awake and gazing out towards the sunrise. He reached towards her, stroking his fingers through her soft, golden hair, and she turned to face him.</p>
<p>“What are you thinking about?” he asked quietly, his voice rough from sleep.</p>
<p>She propped herself up onto her elbow, a slow smile spreading across her face. “I’ve been thinking about this a lot,” she began, sliding her body closer to his and her hand into his. “I’m in this for good. And I want to take what we have to the next level.”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?” he asked, his soft brown eyes sparkling in the morning light.</p>
<p>“Let’s move in together,” she whispered.</p>
<p>His breath hitched. The only reason he knew this was happening for real and not in a dream was the way her thumb was stroking across his knuckles and the way here eyes were glistening with love and excitement. <em>Let’s move in together</em>, she had said. He wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Nic was always his home, but to actually share a physical home with her? That was the fucking dream.</p>
<p>Finally, he found his voice and breath and replied to her. “Mm, absolutely,” he hummed, pulling her body fully on top of his, “as soon as possible.” She giggled as he kissed her neck and all the way down her arm. “I’m in this for good, too,” he added, threading his fingers of his free hand through her hair as she settled on top of him, resting her chin on her hands atop his chest.</p>
<p>“Mm, just think—no more overnight bags, we can have my sofa and your coffee table, and I’ll get to wake up next to you every single morning in a place that’s <em>ours</em> together,” she added, sighing contently as she fantasized about their home together.</p>
<p>“I can’t wait for all that, too. I want to spend every second of my life with you, Nic. You’re everything to me,” he replied, sitting up slightly to capture her lips with his. “Did you have a place in mind?” he asked, his nose still pressed against hers.</p>
<p>“Mm, no, I don’t think I had one in mind,” she responded, knowing full well she came into this conversation wildly unprepared. All she knew was that she was ready for it all with him, and that she didn’t want to spend another second existing in a place where he wasn’t.</p>
<p>“Well, I might,” he teased.</p>
<p>“You’ve been thinking about this, too?” she asked, shuffling her body up his so she was closer to his face.</p>
<p>“Only constantly, yeah,” he remarked, tucking a strand of her golden hair behind her ear. “I was planning on asking you, but I didn’t want you to feel rushed or pressured—I wanted you to do this at your own pace—especially with everything that had gone on recently. It’s been a rough year for sure.”</p>
<p>“I just think it would be nice to have a fresh start,” she exhaled, closing her eyes briefly before continuing, “you know, something that’s ours together.”</p>
<p>“<em>Ours</em>,” he repeated, “I like the sound of that.”</p>
<p>She kissed him again, but before either one of them knew it, they were both smiling at the beautiful possibilities their future held for them. Their kisses then turned to pressing their smiles against each other, and soon they had to just pull away because the grins were only growing.</p>
<p>“But we are most certainly taking my pans,” he chuckled, making a strong point.</p>
<p>“Conrad…” she warned, combing her fingers through his hair, “your pans don’t match my pots.”</p>
<p>“Your pans suck,” he remarked.</p>
<p>“Uh oh, is this going to be a problem?” she teased, leaning down again towards his lips.</p>
<p>“Mm, I bet we can come to some sort of agreement,” he teased right back, meeting her halfway with his lips against hers. He had pushed himself up and managed to flip them over again so he was in control and on top, and she was suddenly very aware of her pleasant ache and soreness as well as the rush of new arousal that creeped into her body.</p>
<p>“You better bring you’re A-game, Hawkins,” she  teased, “because I’m not an easy negotiator.”</p>
<p>“Well, well,” he remarked, tracing the outline of her body with his fingertips, “I’m pretty sure I know what makes you tick, and <em>I </em>am on top of <em>you</em> right now. I am pretty sure I have the upper hand.”</p>
<p>She cocked her eyebrow at that statement, quickly pushing his body away from hers, sending him falling onto his back on the mattress beside her before she climbed back on top of him. “Mm, you sure about that?” she teased, her thumbs flicking across his nipples, making him arch off the bed in pleasure. She had felt how hard he was when he woke, so he was probably painfully so at this point. She tucked her hair behind her ears, leaning down to kiss him sloppily and filthy, before she brought one of her hands between where their bodies met and found his rock-hard length.</p>
<p>Air punched out from his lungs, and he growled into the same spot he had bit hard in the night along her collarbone, but before he could make some silly remark or crack a wise joke, she stroked him once, twice, and thumbed the pre-come that had leaked from his tip down his length.</p>
<p>“Whose pans are we taking?” she asked, her voice dark and sexy, causing his cock to almost jump in her hand.</p>
<p>“This isn’t fair,” he groaned, but he was far too turned-on to care. “You literally have me by the balls,” he chuckled, gesturing to her hand on his dick, which she’d moved down to fondle his balls.</p>
<p>“Mm, that I do,” she affirmed before sliding her body higher against his so their hips were in line with each other’s. “But you have me in the palm of your hand,” she said as a throaty laugh escaped her at the feeling of his hand against her desperately touch-starved core.</p>
<p>They made love again that morning, Nic bouncing above Conrad, all a flash of golden waves and porcelain skin marked with shades of red and purple love bites from last night, and after they both came, Conrad conceded the pans but was fully set on bringing his stand mixer instead of hers. She felt it was a fair compromise, and they spent the rest of the morning discussing random items that they would soon call theirs, lazily kissing and touching before the sun was high in the sky and the need to shower trumped their discussion.</p>
<p>They were giddy. No longer were they solely Nic and solely Conrad, but they were slowly becoming Nic and Conrad—a unit. Yes, they still possessed and valued their individuality, but it felt damn good to share more with each other.</p>
<p>She couldn’t wait to see what house he had imagined them building forever in. She couldn’t wait to start it all.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. fit</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Short and fluffy (italicized from the show). I've been FREAKING THE F*** OUT about the premiere and the second episode of season 4, so I'm so sorry I haven't been on top of this. I've written bits and pieces of all the remaining chapters, so I hope to get those out a little quicker :)</p><p>I hope you like it!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey, you,” Nic mumbled, later that morning, after succumbing to another bout of sleep, pressing the weight of her body against his.</p><p>“Mm, good morning,” Conrad replied, his voice rumbling and gravely against her bare back. “Again,” he added, pressing a kiss against her shoulder.</p><p>She laughed and turned over in his embrace, smiling as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Waking up next to him would never get old. The way his hair was always tousled, his skin always warm, his voice always low and husky, and his tendency to cuddle always at record highs––it all reminded her how completely in-love she was and always will be with him. A warm smile spread across her face, and he reached up to brush his thumb across the corner of her mouth, effectively stretching her smile further. His heart skipped a beat at the sight before him. After everything they’d been through, they finally made it to where <em>this</em> was their <em>always</em>. And they were going one step further by moving in together.</p><p>“I love you,” he said, reading her smile and knowing what she was thinking about.</p><p>“I love you, too,” she replied, running her fingers through his short hair and just relishing this moment.</p><p>He would take her to a house just a short walk from the hospital and from their favorite taco place, Trina’s Taqueria (seriously, the two of them alone could probably keep that place in business). There would be a coffeecake-scented candle burning in the empty yet gorgeous kitchen. And there would be more than enough room for the two of them––definitely room for three, eventually. He had mentioned something about chickens a while back, and she couldn’t help but imagine exactly where they’d go. <em>Everything fit</em>. Everything felt right. This was the house.</p><p>She’d surprise him after he got into her car after their shift, expecting bad news that someone outbid them, but as she made him cover his eyes and led him into the house they now shared, he knew that wasn’t the case at all. <em>Dumb luck or karma, but it just came back on the market</em>, she had said. <em>Whatever it is, I’m so happy we’re here</em>, he’d replied. But that wasn’t all––she dragged him out to the (their) back porch and let the sight speak for itself––<em>we have chickens!</em> It was an overwhelming feeling––all that love––and as they kissed for the first, second, and third times on that porch, they both found themselves thinking about how their broken paths led them together. Led them to be whole together.</p><p>They were home.</p><hr/><p>
  <em>“This is a terrible idea––” Conrad began, pushing open a set of doors in the hallway of Chastain.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh, come on! Just play along,” Nic interrupted as he sighed. “We live under the same roof now––”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Which is amazing,” he finished.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Agreed, but people get on each other’s nerves. Which is why I’m proposing we both get to pick one thing that drives the other one crazy,” she explained as he turned the corner into the lounge and began pouring some coffee.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Only one?” he teased, flicking his eyes up to meet hers.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Cute, yes,” she replied, jokingly curt, nearly rolling her eyes, “and we both try to quell the thing in an effort to live happily ever after,” she finished, not dignifying his little tease in the least as she took the cup of coffee he was holding and moved to sit on the sofa. He smirked and poured another cup of coffee for himself before sitting down in the chair next to her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Okay,” he sighed as he takes a seat, “here we go.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Okay,” she mirrored, “go ahead.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You do this––this thing… when you eat…” he began, looking down at his coffee and taking a sip to hide his face from hers.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She looked utterly confused. “What?” she asked.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Conrad looked straight at her, preparing to imitate exactly what she did that drove him absolutely insane. He held out his hand, pretending to eat something, and began to make an absurd amount of pleasure noises, “mmm, mmm, MMMmm,” he moaned as he fake-chewed the imaginary food.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Nic’s jaw dropped at his display. “And that annoys you?” she pressed after picking her jaw up from the floor.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You have no idea…” he replied, chuckling lightly as he took another sip of his coffee.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I just like food!” she exclaimed, trying to defend her actions.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“This is why I didn’t want to do it!” he replied, feeling a bit uneasy.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Alright, fine yeah you’re right,” she replied calmly, now knowing that she got to pick something that drove her crazy, and he felt his unease melt away slightly. He knew she wasn’t actually pissed. She’s terrifying when that’s the case. She was simply surprised. “I can totally enjoy my food… silently,” she added sarcastically.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She was about to dig into him about the thing that drove her crazy, but they were interrupted by a terrifying news incident that required their immediate attention. Her “thing” would have to wait until later. They needed to focus and get their heads in the game. The workday ahead was not going to be easy.</em>
</p><p>Nine hours later, they finally exited the hospital. They were both so completely spent that they didn’t speak much on their walk back home. <em>Home</em>. It was still such an amazing concept. They shared the same <em>home</em>. Though there were still a few items in boxes strewn about all three of their places (Kyle elected to move into Nic’s old place to be closer to her and to his newly-adopted volunteer work) as their move-in week was not quite enough time for all the sorting of their belongings, their new place felt like home. Because it was theirs together. They walked side by side in comfortable silence, Conrad’s arm around her shoulders as hers was wrapped around his waist.</p><p>
  <em>They arrived at their house following their short but peaceful walk, and Nic immediately went to the kitchen to grab two glasses and a bottle of wine. Conrad settled onto the couch, and he turned on the TV, wanting to hear the updates about the situation they had to take care of at the hospital earlier that day. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>As he listened, Nic walked over to where he was sitting and snuggled up next to him as he turned off the TV and cuddled her in. He took one of the glasses she was holding, and before he could take a sip of the liquid, he reminded her about their conversation earlier that day.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I want to know what that thing is that drives you nuts! I’ve been bracing myself all day,” he chuckled, his arm resting perfectly across her shoulder.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Mmm,” Nic sighed in approval, preparing herself to explain the thing that drives her crazy. “I thought you’d never ask,” she replied in a low whisper as Conrad hummed in response.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She wiggled out of his embrace, and he was already confused. She sat up and brought one of her legs up towards her, eyeing him playfully. She reached for her sock and pulled it off, stretching her leg out over his.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You don’t like it when I’m barefoot?” he asked, completely clueless. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She raised her eyebrows again as she repeated the same removal of her sock on her other foot, dramatically tossing them onto the floor.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What are you doing?” he asked, completely confused by her actions.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“The socks,” Nic practically scoffed, a smile tugging at her lips.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“What?” he asked, still having no idea what she was on about.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>She set her wine glass down on the coffee table as she sat up and perched on one of her feet. “You leave socks, all over the place. It’s a thing that makes me crazy. It’s like a sock trail all over the house!” she explained, gesturing her hands close to his face to convey her sentiment of annoyance. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No, I do not!” he replied, minorly defensive.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You do, look! There’s a pair over there!” she exclaimed, leaning over him to point at the socks left in the middle of the hallway. “Men’s, size ten, sometimes a little sweaty,” she continued, describing the socks. </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>His expression transformed from confused to feeling like he needed to control his laughter as he saw how much this was driving her crazy. He turned around to meet her face, letting out a soft chuckle at her display. “Okay,” he laughed, “I can work on that.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I––” Nic began, eyes widening as she pressed her fingertips together, trying to find the right words. She needed more than just ‘try.’ “Like I mean…” she began again, wanting him to know that she wants him to actually pick up his socks. This wasn’t some game, but it sure as hell was funny.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He reached his hand to hold the base of her head, and she smiled and melted into his touch. “I…” he began, leaning his face towards hers. “…will work…” he started again, his lips just millimeters from hers.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“…like work real hard on it…” she added, leaning away from him slightly, trying desperately to not fall victim to his charm. But she was failing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“…real hard…” he repeated, his voice dropping lower as his lips finally found hers. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“…because it’s…” she tried to continue, but he interrupted her with his kisses, “…gross…” she finally said, feeling him smiling against her lips. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They pulled apart, and Conrad stroked his fingers through her hair as she gave him one last ‘I love you but I’m serious about this’ glance. He flashed her his smile and pulled back into his embrace, his hands falling back where they were prior to their discussion of him leaving his socks everywhere.</em>
</p><p>“You know, most people do this a few weeks or even <em>months</em> after living together, but it’s only been a couple <em>days</em> for us,” he remarked, chuckling at the thought.</p><p>“Well, we’ve basically been living together for a year already, given that we were <em>always</em> together at one of our old places,” she replied, snuggling into him further, already intoxicated by his scent.</p><p>“This feels so right,” he began, “I just can’t believe we’re finally here.”</p><p>She hummed, unable to stop the shit-eating grin that spread across her face. “I’m so happy we are, Conrad,” she replied, her voice barely above a whisper.</p><p>“Me, too,” he whispered back, pressing a soft and lingering kiss to the top of her head. She closed her eyes, the sound of his heartbeat in her ears, and she found his hand, intertwining her fingers with his.</p><p>They still had a few boxes to unpack, but for the most part, they were moved in. Their house was a miraculous and perfect combination of their two styles––understated yet lovely, and minimal yet meaningful. Their individual pieces came together in a beautiful way, further emphasizing the perfect way that the two of their souls fit together.</p><p><em>Everything fit</em>.</p><p>Their home, their hands, and their hearts fit together. Perfectly.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. like a passing stampede of cattle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Welcome to fluff-town! This is completely ridiculous and very very fluffy, but the next chapter is going to be real smutty, so I guess this is my way of balancing things out? I hope you like it! </p><p>Only 9 chapters left oh my GOSH 🥺</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Their alarm wasn’t set, it was quite miserable outside—rainy, grey, and cold—and Conrad and Nic were thoroughly exhausted from all the moving while balancing their shifts and overnights and long on-call days. Conrad never snores. It’s something Nic had known ever since their first night together, but this last night, the exhaustion definitely got the best of him, and he was completely out. And snoring like a buzz saw. At first, Nic was completely confused. Then, she determined that the God-awful noise was coming from <em>Conrad</em>. She initially found it hilarious, but she quickly realized that she wouldn’t be getting any sleep if he kept it up. So she waited. But an hour later, she couldn’t handle it. Exhausted and a little frustrated, she grabbed the comforter off the bed and made her way to the sofa downstairs, leaving a little sticky note on her side of the bed for when he woke up and she wasn’t there.</p><p>She was finally able to rest when she laid on the sofa, and before she knew it, she had fully succumbed to deep sleep. Without the help from much morning light due to the clouds, she didn’t wake up when she normally would have if it were a nice day. Conrad woke first. He was a little cold and a lot confused. Both Nic <em>and </em>the entire comforter from their bed were gone, and a little slip of paper was in her place:</p><p>
  <em>Good morning sleepyhead &lt;3 I had to go downstairs because you were snoring like a passing stampede of cattle. I love you, but I seriously nearly killed you ;)</em>
</p><p><em>Shit</em>, he cursed to himself. He knew that she was just as exhausted as he was, and to have interrupted her rest—<em>shit</em>. He threw the sheet off his body and tossed on a pair of sweatpants and a black t-shirt, then he made his way downstairs quietly. Peering over the railing, he saw golden hair splayed out over the arm of the sofa and Nic’s body curled up along the length of the couch—one leg tossed off the side, and the comforter mostly on the floor. <em>So much for that</em>, he thought, chuckling as he noticed the fact that she was mostly uncovered. She wore just her panties and a grey sweatshirt of his (which had become hers), and he had to take a minute to just look at her. She was utterly gorgeous, and she took his breath away all the damn time. He couldn’t help the absolutely ridiculous smile that was spreading across his face just thinking about her, and he continued down the stairs quietly.</p><p>He was highly confident she wouldn’t wake up anytime soon—she was breathing far too deeply to be anywhere near conscious—and since they had the day off, he decided to go for a quick run. The rain was refreshing, but when he arrived back home, he desperately needed a warm shower. He opened their front door slowly, peeking into the living room as soon as he could get a clear sight line, and when he noticed that she had basically remained in the same position, he chuckled, thinking <em>damn she must be really exhausted. </em>Walking towards her again, he pulled the comforter up so she was a little more covered, and she sighed into the warmth. Even unconscious, she loves him.</p><p>After he quickly cleaned himself up, he didn’t want to wake her again, so he silently padded towards the kitchen—hair spikey from the shower, the scent of his shampoo and shower gel strong, and his top half bare—and he began making breakfast as quietly as he could. White noise was okay for her—she loved working in coffee shops or places with loads of hustle and bustle—so he reckoned a little cooking wouldn’t be too much of a disturbance. Omelettes were the selected breakfast item as they already had a few eggs from their chickens, and he prepared one for her and one for himself, adding little pieces of ham to hers and mushrooms to his because he knew she hated mushrooms (something he found out on their first date, after their hike at Sweetwater, and never forgot). He made coffee next—a little bit of a louder process than the omelettes—and glanced at his watch. It was almost 10am, and Nic was still sound asleep.</p><p>He meandered over to the sofa, where the comforter had slid off her again—this time, leaving her completely bare—and stood close, kneeling down so he could press a kiss to her temple gently. Before his lips made contact with her skin, she shuffled a little, waking up slowly. When she felt his warm lips on her, the first sensation of the morning, she hummed.</p><p>“Good morning, sleepyhead,” he repeated her words from her note, “I’m sorry I kept you up last night—I had no idea.”</p><p>“Mm, good morning,” she replied, her voice scraggly and rough from just woken up. “And hey, it’s okay—you don’t have to apologize.” She reached her hand up so she could touch his face and draw him close to her. She didn’t truly realize it, but sleeping by herself was not something she’d ever want to do again. She needs to be surrounded by him—by his scent, his heat, his touch, his breath, all of him. His presence was missed last night. Her night’s sleep was less of a peaceful slumber and more of a necessary exhaustion-induced pass-out.</p><p>And then she noticed it—the glorious smell of breakfast and coffee. Her stomach growled, as if on cue, and Conrad chuckled at that.</p><p>“You just wait here, and I’ll bring you breakfast in ‘bed,’” he teased while raising his fingers in air quotes around the word ‘bed.’ He picked up the comforter from the ground and placed it back over Nic again, making her chuckle and roll her eyes in playful response.</p><p>“Just so you know, if this happens again, it’s going to be <em>your</em> ass sleeping on this couch. Not mine. And I won’t be so nice as to leave you a note,” she remarked sassily, her voice light and full of tease.</p><p>“Mm, I love you, too,” he replied, his voice filling their house as he ducked around the kitchen to grab her omelet off the stove, “and I don’t know if comparing me to ‘stampeding cattle’ would qualify as ‘nice.’” He carried her plate and cup of coffee to her, and she sat up to receive the items as well as him. She set the plate down on her lap and the coffee mug down onto the coffee table and reached for him, gently pushing her fingers through his hair and pulling him in for a kiss.</p><p>It was quick, but still, he loved every moment of it. He loved all those little moments. He smiled as they pulled apart, taking a sip of her coffee before handing to her, making her giggle quietly before she brought the cup to her lips at tasted the warm caffeinated liquid. She hummed and closed her eyes, pausing to drink not just her coffee, but also drink in this moment. Conrad tucked his legs underneath the comforter beside her and grabbed his plate with his omelet, glancing towards her as he enjoyed the first few forkfuls of his breakfast. She leaned her body against his and took a bite herself. It was completely delicious. She knew he was a good cook, but sometimes, it would still surprise her how fucking incredible pretty much everything he made tasted. She was decent at baking, but he definitely was the cook in the house. <em>What would it be like to teach a kid of their own how to make an omelet using their chickens’ eggs? Or lemon bars like they made together the night before they went to therapy? Or the stir-fry he taught her to make the first night they spent at his apartment? </em>It would be wonderful.</p><p>“Hey, where’d you go?” he asked gently, snapping her out of her fantasy world.</p><p>Her eyes lifted to meet his, and she smiled, “nowhere––I’m here with you.”</p><p>He smiled in return, kissing the top of her head. He may not have known what she was thinking then, but in time, they would talk about it again. For now, they were enjoying each other’s company and getting the first little tastes of what their lives would be forever.</p><p>Once the final box was unpacked, it was cause for champagne. Sure, it may have only been 3pm, but after the stressful (good stress, though) and exhausting (good exhaustion, though) week, a little celebration seemed fitting. Mina, Devon, Jess, Irving, and AJ stopped by for a few hours to check out their new place, share a few snacks, drinks, and laughs, and by the time Mina and AJ––the last two––had said their farewells, exhausted didn’t even begin to cover how Conrad and Nic felt. She had no idea how the two of them were still standing at that point. Luckily, the clean-up was pretty easy, so in almost no-time, their kitchen and living room were sparkling again.</p><p>A pair of Conrad’s socks were thrown against the hall closet, and Nic rolled her eyes before chastising him again and leaning down to pick them up. She was sore from all the lifting and moving of furniture over the past few days, and wow, who knew that picking up socks was going to be so much work and cause so much pain in her body. “Fuck,” she mumbled to herself as she stood up slowly, socks in hand.</p><p>“You okay?” Conrad asked as he rounded the corner and watched as Nic moved tentatively.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m good, just sore,” she replied squeezing the top of her shoulder and rolling her neck.</p><p>“I’m sure sleeping on the couch didn’t help,” he remarked, walking towards her and replacing her hand on her shoulder with his, gently pressing his thumb into the tense muscles.</p><p>She moaned just a little––his touch always felt so damn good. “Mm, probably wasn’t the greatest, no,” she replied, laughing softly before he shifted the position of his thumb against her shoulder and pressed into the spot just underneath her shoulder blade that was causing her a great deal of strife.</p><p>“How about we continue this properly upstairs,” he said quietly against the side of her face, his beard lightly tickling her skin there.</p><p>“Mm,” she hummed, nodding silently as he guided her upstairs into their bedroom.</p><p>“Go ahead and make yourself comfortable,” he began, gesturing towards her jeans and cream sweater, “I’m going to quickly grab you a towel and some lotion. You like the eucalyptus mint one, right?”</p><p>“That’s perfect, Conrad,” she replied, catching his wrist before he dashed off to fulfill his task. “You’re prefect,” she added quietly, leaning forward to capture his lips with hers in a series of lingering kisses before finally pulling back to catch some air.</p><p>“I love you,” he remarked, his sweet brown eyes glistening.</p><p>“I love you, too,” she mirrored, tracing her fingers around his forearm before stepping back to ‘get comfortable’ for him.</p><p>He smiled before heading into the bathroom to grab the items he wanted. Though it was only a few seconds, when he came out of the bathroom, Nic was sitting on their bed, naked as the day she was born, and she smirked at him when she saw his jaw hit the floor.</p><p>“Jesus, Nic, when I said to get comfortable, I wasn’t expecting–– <em>goddamn</em>,” he said, stunned and definitely turned on.</p><p>“Mm, well, this is <em>quite</em> comfortable,” she teased, crossing her legs and watching him swallow thickly before setting the towel out against the sheets of the bed.</p><p>“You’re really something else,” he began, chuckling quietly and glancing over to her. “This is supposed to be a way to <em>wind down</em>, not <em>wind up</em>,” he added, tapping the space in the center of the just-laid-out towel for her to lay down.</p><p>She moved to sit, crawling slowly towards him and stealing a kiss before she laid flat on her stomach and shuffled to get comfortable. She sighed in anticipation, already feeling the stress melting off her just by virtue of being close to him and feeling his breath and heat against her skin. The lotion was cool when he pressed it against her back and spread the cream all over, making sure every inch of her skin was slick. He started off standing by the side of the bed, but he quickly changed that so he was straddling her legs with his own. She closed her eyes and let the amazing sensation of his fingers on her skin take over every single one of her senses.</p><p>He started out with light pressure, his full hands pressing against her body here and there, mostly trying to rub some of the lotion into her creamy skin. Then, the pressure became more focused. He’d find a knot in her back, and he’d use his thumbs to work it slowly until the tension released. She sighed and moaned quietly, feeling as though she was melting into his hands and into the bed. His hands traveled low and high, dipping down almost against her ass then meandering all the way back up to her neck and the base of her skull.</p><p>She felt completely and utterly loved and adored. He was gentle yet firm in his touches against her, and she swore his fingers had never felt so good against her body. He’d sometimes lay a kiss on her tingling skin––right between her shoulder blades, in the dimples above her ass, or just below her ear––and she’d feel her body surge with light flutters of happiness and love.</p><p>As his movements began to transition to being more broad again, his full palms back against her skin, she realized there was no way in hell she’d be able to move from her spot. His kisses became more frequent, and his touch lighter, and she desperately wanted to kiss and touch him, too, but her body was heavy and gelatinous-feeling against the sheets. She sighed quietly, catching his attention and causing him to lean down so he was lying next to her.</p><p>“Good?” he asked, his voice deep and low.</p><p>“The best,” she mumbled, one side of her face squished against the bed. She gave him a lopsided, completely sated smile, and he returned it, beaming back at her. He loved making her feel good and showing her how much he loved her. He reached for her hair, stroking it gently until she fluttered her eyes closed.</p><p>“Hey, are you getting cold?” he whispered, having turned off the light when her eyes were closed so she didn’t notice. When she opened her eyes, she was plunged into darkness, solely able to hear Conrad and not see him. Once her eyes adjusted, though, he was illuminated by the moonlight, and he looked positively divine.</p><p>“Mm, a little, yeah,” she replied, her voice already gravely from being tired. “I just need you,” she remarked, finally able to move her body so she could slip underneath the sheets and slide one of her legs between his as she tucked her face into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, one of them sliding underneath her, and she was almost instantly asleep.</p><p>“I love you so much, Nic,” he whispered into her hair, breathing in her scent and relishing her heat and the overwhelming but addicting feeling of <em>her</em>. He still was pinching himself over the fact that <em>they made it</em>. They were both in this for good, and they both knew it. They shared a home with each other. They shared a place in their futures, too. He found himself dreaming about what the next few years could look like. He loved anything so long as Nic was there, but one image he couldn’t shake was one of her, him, and a child (or maybe two?) they shared, all cuddled up in their bed, smiles on their faces as they drifted off to sleep together.</p><p>Maybe someday. He’d tuck that thought away for the time being, just focusing on the present and how amazing this moment right here was. For now, this was pretty darn perfect, and he wanted to spend forever in this feeling––with her.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. sexy thanksgiving</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>smutty? check<br/>re-writing what 03x08 should have been? check<br/>did I already mention smutty? yeah...</p><p>I hope y'all enjoy!!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I’m so sorry, Nic,” Conrad said, probably for the thousandth time in the past five minutes.</p><p>“Conrad, it’s okay, don’t worry about it. Just go to Chastain before Logan Kim actually kills you. He sounded pretty urgent on the phone,” Nic replied nearly pushing him out the door.</p><p>He turned back around to face her, his expression pained.</p><p>“It’s okay,” she reassured again, holding his face in her hands briefly before placing a chaste kiss on his lips to emphasize her point. It wasn’t okay––she hated that he had to go in––but he had no choice. It wasn’t his fault, and she knew that. She was beyond angry at Logan fucking Kim (honestly, who wasn’t?). He had officially ruined their first Thanksgiving together.</p><p>Conrad was finally able to bring himself to leave, giving Nic’s hand one last squeeze before he hopped on his bike and dashed off through the November rain over to Chastain. She had no idea what was so emergent that he absolutely had to drop everything and go (and she wasn’t even sure that was an okay thing to do because Conrad wasn’t on-call today). The first few minutes were alright––she was still processing and trying to think of ways to fill her time on this holiday of togetherness now that she was going to be alone. Then after almost ten minutes went by, she was already antsy. She had planned on starting dinner around 2pm, and it was nearly that time now, but she didn’t want to cook without him.</p><p>She loved cooking with him. He was always down to try new recipes and taste-test things of hers that she knew weren’t good, and she was fascinated by the way that he stirred and mixed ingredients because he was left-handed. <em>You’re stirring backwards</em>, she remembers telling him. When he looked at her, completely puzzled, she realized that he was stirring “backwards” because he was using his left hand. She had no idea how she never noticed that, but she relished the feeling of finding out new things about him each and every day. She desperately wanted to know what his dad’s stuffing tasted like alongside her mom’s jell-o. She wanted to know what he stuffed inside his turkey. She wanted to learn what unusual family traditions he had on Thanksgiving and how they could incorporate them into their new ones as a family together. She also wanted more of him. She could still taste his lips against hers as she left him that chaste kiss before he had to dash off. It was driving her absolutely mad.</p><p>She was longing for him even though he’d only been gone a short while.</p><p>He texted her when he got a second, hours later, and her heart leapt. She was sitting on the sofa attempting to go through her email and reply to messages that had backed up from the stress of moving-in even though at this point it had been months that they’d been living together. Her eyes quickly scanned the message, and instead of relief, she felt another pang of longing and sadness.</p><p><em>I miss you</em>, he had sent.</p><p>She quickly replied, <em>I miss you, too</em>.</p><p><em>Call in an hour? I weaseled my way into a little break</em>, he added.</p><p><em>I love you, and yes, talk to you soon,</em> she replied.</p><p>Conrad never thought of himself as a romantic, but with Nic, he was so hopelessly in love with her that he couldn’t help but feel like he was in a rom-com himself. He got butterflies when he saw her name light up his screen and her messages flit by. He smiled just thinking about her. When they were apart, he’d miss her like crazy, and when they finally saw each other again, he’d hold her like she was going to float away if he didn’t. He was totally and completely, one-hundred-percent, almost-embarrassingly in love with this amazing woman. And he was totally and completely, one-hundred-percent <em>pissed</em> at Logan fucking Kim.</p><p>That hour was one of the longest both Nic and Conrad had to endure.</p><p>But when it was finally over, Conrad locked himself in his office, and he immediately called Nic. She picked up right away, and he smiled at that––knowing that she was anticipating this call as much as he was.</p><p>“Mm, hey,” Nic hummed through the phone, settling down on the sofa with a glass of wine and a book she’d been trying to read in an effort to distract herself.</p><p>“God, Nic. I miss you so much. I can’t believe Logan fucking Kim hijacked our first Thanksgiving together,” Conrad huffed, anger rolling off him in sheets as he settled into his office.</p><p>“It’s just another day on the calendar. It’s not your fault,” she replied, trying to soothe him with her voice through the phone. She heard him sigh on the other end of the line before she spoke again, “but for the record, I miss you, too.”</p><p>“Mm,” Conrad hummed, and Nic felt the house swell with his presence. She smiled at the thought—that he completed her and made her life whole. She really loved him. She loved him with every cell in her body. She also felt how terribly she needed him then. The sound of his voice was nothing in comparison to his touch, his smell, and his heat. She could feel his love for her in all of his words, in all of his touches, and all of his actions. She was pissed, too. Pissed that Logan fucking Kim decided to call Conrad in <em>today</em> of all days. Her need, her love, and her anger all crashed against each other in her body, making her crave him in a way she wasn’t familiar with. It was like lust on steroids. And it compelled her next statement.</p><p>“You know…” she began, her voice in a flirtatious tone, “maybe we haven’t completely missed out on today. I’ve heard that <em>sexy Thanksgiving </em>is the perfect way to give thanks. And we could do it right here, right now.” That book that she had intended to read was quickly and completely forgotten.</p><p>Conrad instantly sat up on the sofa in his office, switching the call to FaceTime and looking at Nic with wide eyes. “Right here, right now?” he asked, his voice already deep with lust.</p><p>“Yes,” she replied in a sultry whisper. Even though it was through the phone, Conrad could see something so primal in her eyes. A <em>need</em> so deep he could practically taste it.</p><p>“Mm, what did you have in mind?” he asked, shifting on the sofa, watching her so diligently as a smirk possessed her features. She licked her lips slowly, leaning in towards the camera so he could trace his gaze over her.</p><p>“<em>I want to watch you come</em>,” she replied before sinking her teeth into her soft, pink bottom lip, “for <em>me</em>.” She set her phone against her wine glass on the coffee table, and she watched him shudder at her desire.</p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>, Nic. You’re really something else,” he groaned, sex already practically dripping from his voice.</p><p>“Stand up and take off your shirt,” she commanded, and he obeyed, propping his phone against one of the little trinkets on his desk so she could watch. “And your pants,” she added once he had tossed his shirt on his desk. “Mm, you’re so hot, you know that?” she hummed, palming her breasts over the sweatshirt she wore, gazing at his body through the screen. She felt a rush of heat pool in the bottom of her stomach as her eyes landed on his cock, already half-hard and straining against the fabric of his boxers. She was still so stunned that <em>she</em> could make this man putty in her hands. That only <em>she</em> had such power over him. But the way his voice rumbled as he groaned when he cupped himself through his briefs, she knew he had exactly the same power over her that she held over him. She had to press her thighs together so hard her legs were nearly shaking so she could alleviate at least some of the pressure that was building there.</p><p>“Fuck, Conrad,” she whimpered, sliding her hands underneath her sweatshirt so she could pinch her nipples, imagining that it was Conrad instead of herself. “I want to see you. Show me how you want to touch yourself,” she added, her breath coming out shallower than previously as she slipped one of her hands down beneath her panties and pressed two fingers up into her already slick core.</p><p>“Goddamn, Nic,” he grunted, pulling his boxers down and moving back to his sofa, grasping his already near-fully-hard member. “You’re fucking incredible,” he added, his breath becoming more labored as Nic watched in pure adoration and hunger.</p><p>It was still early in the evening––not even 5pm yet––but he was ready to leave Chastain. He couldn’t bear another second away from her. He was glad he was able to talk to her and almost fuck her through the phone, but he needed to feel her moans, not just hear them. He needed to feel her heat, not just see it prickling against her cheeks and down her chest. He needed to feel how close she was, not just hear her say it.</p><p>He was lost in thought, but his body quickly reminded him what was happening as he felt an all-too-familiar tightening in his groin. “<em>Shit</em>,” he cursed darkly, interrupting what he had been thinking. “Nic, I’m going to come,” he groaned.</p><p>“Conrad,” she practically mewled, upping the pace of her movements with her fingers inside of her with increased vigor. “God, I wish you were here,” she whimpered, “I love you.”</p><p>“<em>Fuck,</em>” Conrad grunted, “I love you so fucking much. Come with me, too. Let go for me, baby.” His hips began to buck off the sofa, and his eyes fell closed as he squeezed his fist over his cock tighter. Nic leaned forward and rocked against her hand harder and faster as her heart raced at Conrad’s use of the pet name. Her hair fell forward over her face as her whimpers grew in volume and frequency. She did as she was told—she let go and let her orgasm sweep her up into a sea of bliss, riding out her wave as she faintly heard Conrad moan and saw him spill over the expanse of his toned torso.</p><p>They both worked to catch their breath, spending a couple minutes breathing and panting as they both came back to earth, before Nic spoke.</p><p>“Baby?” she teased, “that’s a new one.” She giggled as she brushed a couple of pieces of hair away from her face, looking at Conrad through her screen.</p><p>He reached for the box of tissues on his desk so he could clean himself off as he chuckled, his breath still coming out heavy. “Yeah, I don’t know. Did you— did you like it?” he asked almost sheepishly.</p><p>“Mm, more than you know, Conrad. God, I wish it was you fucking me, making me come like that. I want to hear you right against my ear, calling me baby again,” she replied, her voice low and dangerously sexy as his jaw practically hit the floor at her comment. “You better get home soon. Sexy Thanksgiving has only just begun.”</p><p>“Fuck, Nic, there’s nowhere I’d rather be than with you. I’ll be home as soon as I can. And I can guarantee you, this sexy Thanksgiving won’t be one to forget. <em>I’ll</em> be the one to make you come, and you’ll feel it all for sure tomorrow,” he replied with a wink as he began dressing and washing his hands. She wanted to play dirty? He would give her dirty.</p><p>She watched him with so much love and so much lust, whimpering softly at where her mind went for what was going to happen later that night. “Mm, I won’t even let you make it through the hallway before I get my hands on you,” she remarked, making Conrad groan at the thought.</p><p>“Jesus––” he began, grabbing his pager from his desk and clipping it back onto his pants. Just as he finished cleaning up, his phone timer went off, indicating the end of his break, and his pager buzzed just a few short seconds later.</p><p>“Mm, duty calls,” she hummed as he sighed.</p><p>“I wish I was home with you,” he remarked again as he walked towards his office door.</p><p>“I do, too, but hey, I’ll be here when you get back and the two of us will have plenty of time for all the fun. Now, you go out there and save some lives. I love you,” she replied.</p><p>Conrad smiled and thanked her before he disconnected the call with an “I love you” fresh on his tongue. As he walked out of his office and through the hall, a thought hit him like a freight train: <em>he was going to—</em></p><p>“Hey, Conrad! I didn’t know you were in today,” Mina exclaimed, interrupting his thought and catching up with him in the hall, noticing the massive grin plastered across his face. “Woah, what’s going on with you?” she asked, raising her eyebrows at his expression.</p><p>“Mm, nothing, nothing,” he replied, attempting to hide at least a little bit of his utter <em>giddiness</em>.</p><p>“Riiight,” she said, stretching out the “i” sound, emphasizing her sarcasm. She’d let it go for now, but she knew he was up to something. She eyed him suspiciously, but she couldn’t help but chuckle as she caught him grinning from ear to ear. Though she couldn’t hear his thoughts, she knew he was thinking about Nic––she had noticed Nic had the same grin on her face when she was thinking about Conrad. “I’m glad that you two finally found your way to each other,” she added, interrupting Conrad’s thoughts yet again.</p><p>Knowing exactly what Mina was referencing, he simply nodded, squeezing a “me, too,” out of his throat before the one thought that was taking over his entire brain at the moment took charge yet again: <em>he was going to marry Nic</em>.</p><p>It wasn’t a post-orgasmic haze thought. No. This was clear as day. <em>He was going to marry her</em>. And it wasn’t “sometime in the future.” It was soon.</p><hr/><p>When he was finally freed from the almost strangling grip Chastain held on him that night, he made his way home as quickly as possible. It was dark––just after 9pm––and he was biking as fast as he could through the empty downtown Atlanta streets to their house. He couldn’t wait to see her and hold her and tell her how much he loved her. But when he walked through the front door of the house they shared (he was still floored every time he thought about the fact that he and Nic were living together even though it had been more than a few months), all of his words and thoughts vanished when he looked at her. The carefully crafted sentences he had constructed flitted off his tongue, and he was rendered speechless. Because there she was. Sitting on their countertop. Her feet propped against the back of the barstool. Wearing a short, black lace number, tight against her slender frame and hugging her curves in all the right places. She was leaning back on the palms of her hands, one of her feet swinging lightly to a melody inside her head. Her hair was loose and curled softly against her back and shoulders, and the sparkle in her eyes shone brighter than anything he’d ever seen.</p><p>“You’re home,” she purred, swinging her legs around off the stool so she was facing him, letting him know (not so subtly) that she was not wearing anything underneath her tiny lingerie dress.</p><p>“Wow,” he practically growled.</p><p>“I told you Sexy Thanksgiving wasn’t over,” she added, sliding down off the counter and grabbing two glasses with a little bit of amber liquid in each before padding towards Conrad, who was still standing there, keys in hand, jaw on the floor, and shoes and jacket still on.</p><p>“You are––” he began, pausing only because she placed a glass into his hand and reached for the zipper on his jacket, and he had to catch his breath, “––<em>so</em> fucking sexy.”</p><p>She pulled down the zipper of his jacket while she tossed back the strong liquor, all while maintaining ferocious eye contact with him. His breathing was already becoming heavy and fast, yet he had enough brain cells still intact somehow to toe off his shoes. He brought his lips to his glass and downed his drink, too, feeling the alcohol burning pleasantly down his throat. Their eyes remained locked on each other’s, but he could feel his gaze drifting across her body slowly, and as he did so, she reached her arms back up to his shoulders and helped him shuck his jacket off. The thick, dark material landed with a heavy thud on the wood floor, followed by the keys and his phone in his hands. He desperately needed to touch her, so he gripped her hips and crashed his lips against hers. She tasted like whiskey and honey and heaven.</p><p>“I’m down to only one article of clothing. You have to catch up,” she purred against his cheek when he finally released her lips so they could catch their breaths.</p><p>He hummed in response, fueled entirely by desire and his love for this amazing woman in front of him. “Mm, there’s something I want to do first,” he practically groaned, holding her hips even tighter in his grasp. Before she could reply or protest, he pulled her feet off the ground and walked her the short distance to the kitchen, placing her up on the counter again. “Our Thanksgiving Day was interrupted, but no way in hell I’m waiting another minute for this,” he said, pressing his lips against her neck as she curved her hand around the base of his skull, pulling him even closer to her. He stepped between her legs, spreading them apart, and she hooked her ankles together around his waist. The material of her black dress rolled up her long legs, exposing more of her flesh for him to touch and grab. He sucked her neck until her porcelain skin was speckled with red and purple bruises and love bites, and she moaned and clawed at his t-shirt-clad back.</p><p>“Fuck, Conrad,” she panted, “I need you naked.” Her hands trailed beneath his t-shirt, dragging the fabric up his toned abdomen, her mouth watering at the sight of him.</p><p>He chuckled darkly, kissing her lips hungrily before breaking away to toss his t-shirt off over his head. He held her at a frustrating length away from him, just out of reach for her. It was truly maddening. She whimpered, letting him know that she was frustrated, but he insisted on keeping her at a distance. He just kept staring at her.</p><p>“Conrad, <em>please</em>,” she whimpered, breaking his trance momentarily.</p><p>“I just need a minute to admire you. You’re fucking gorgeous, do you know that?” he replied, his voice gentle with love and pure adoration yet thick with desire and need. Her breath came out shuddered, and her lungs were shaky with all that love he made her feel. “And I’m going to make good on my promise to you— Nic, I want to eat you out right now.”</p><p>“Fuck,” she groaned, “I fucking love you.” Her chest heaved, her nipples already hardening underneath the thin black material. Conrad dropped his gaze to her chest, and quickly he latched his lips around one of her buds, sucking and nipping and driving her absolutely mad. “God, you’re amazing,” she mewled. “You make me feel so fucking good.”</p><p>“Mm,” he hummed against her breast before drawing his lips up her sternum and the column of her neck. “I love making you feel good, baby,” he said gruffly into her neck, pausing to let her scent flood his senses and intoxicate him.</p><p>“Fuck, that’s so hot,” she moaned, scratching her fingers along his scalp, making him groan and her core to pulse with a rush of heat. “Conrad…” she began, but he already knew what she wanted.</p><p>“You drive me fucking crazy,” he growled, leaving one last hot, open-mouthed kiss on her neck before he pulled away briefly. “You’re goddamn <em>perfect</em>,” he added, a dopey grin adorning his features as he took the sight of her in—her lips, her eyes, her chest, her legs, and her heart leaping out of her ribcage—and traced his hands gently down the outline of her body.</p><p>“I love you,” she whispered, her words charged with a love so strong he could taste it in the air.</p><p>“I love you, too,” he replied, “and I want to worship you.” His hands paused at the hem of her short dress, fisting the light material and hiking it up just a little bit.</p><p>“I’m all yours,” she replied, her voice sultry and sexy and so uniquely <em>her</em>.</p><p>He moved quickly then, bunching her dress up around her waist and sliding her hips forward so she was at the edge of the counter. He dipped his head down between her legs and sunk his teeth into the tender flesh of her inner thigh, causing her to cry out before he soothed the area with his tongue. He repeated that action on her other leg, then again, and again, until his nose brushed against her core. He was torturing her with how slow he was going. It was as if he was moving through molasses. His hands found their way up her dress to hold her lower back steady so he could have her with exactly the amount of pressure he wanted. Her thighs looked a mess, a trail of red love-bites and scratches from his beard dusted her creamy skin, and as she caught a glimpse of her body against his, she threw her head back and arched her hips, pressing her clit against his nose.</p><p>“Mm, patience, love,” he growled from between her legs, his grip on her body tightening. She whimpered, knowing that she couldn’t bring him any closer—her hands were supporting her weight, her legs held open by Conrad’s body and arms, and her torso locked in place by his hands.</p><p>“Please,” she whispered, closing her eyes as he blew his hot breath against her core.</p><p>She thinks he would have said something smug had he not been so worked up himself, but all he could do was give into her. His tongue licked her slowly from her entrance to her clit, circling the bud once before diving back down to her entrance.</p><p>“<em>Godfuckingdamnit</em>,” she moaned, all in one breath.</p><p>“Fucking gorgeous,” he mumbled against her pussy. He licked her languidly another few times, then he latched onto one of her lips and sucked, already feeling the mess of her wetness against his skin. She moaned as he tugged on the flesh a bit before releasing it and repeating the action with the other lip. Then, his hands moved down from her lower back to the apex of her thighs so he could spread her lips and more thoroughly pleasure her.</p><p>As soon as he released his grip on her, she pushed against her hands and shoved her core against him. His tongue thrust into her, and she met him with thrusts of her own, bucking her hips against his face. And he fucking loved it. The way he could feel how close she was, the feel of her wetness against him, the smell of her arousal, and the sounds she made as he licked and sucked her higher and higher—it was all utterly perfect.</p><p>“God, I’m so close,” she moaned, arching her hips again, trying to find some relief against her clit, which was begging for his touch.</p><p>He moaned against her, his tongue still buried deep into her core, and she shivered as the vibrations of his voice penetrated every cell of her body.</p><p>“Fuck,” she mumbled, her breathing heavy and fast, and her toned stomach began flexing under her dress as every muscle in her body started to clench and tremble.</p><p>He smirked, leaving soft kisses all around her, and she whimpered, needing him hard and fast. He scraped his beard against her sensitive flesh, and she knew she was going to have a burn tomorrow, but she just simply didn’t care. Her brain was on a single track—of her boyfriend worshiping her like she was the most incredible thing in the universe. She huffed a frustrated breath at his softness, and she said his name quietly, causing him to glance up towards her, meeting her eyes with his.</p><p>“Categorically stunning,” he remarked, deep and lustful but also warm and loving.</p><p>“God, fuck,” she moaned, her limbs tingling in anticipation and from all the love coursing through her veins, spreading through every single inch of her body like wildfire.</p><p>He went back down between her legs and sucked her hard, his tongue flicking quickly against her clit, and she didn’t realize that she was literally going to come right then, but before she could say anything, he had her writhing and shaking and screaming from the sudden change and the massive crash of pleasure in her body. She came with a deep moan and a release of all tension in her body. When she finished, her body fell limp, her arms struggling to keep herself upright. He sucked and licked her in time with her aftershocks, gently coaxing her back to him and to earth.</p><p>When she finally stopped shaking, he propped his chin against her hipbone, kissing the reddened flesh there before staring at her with his sweet brown eyes, silently asking “how’d I do?”</p><p>“God, if you keep this up you just might kill me,” she teased, her breath still heavy and thick with sex.</p><p>“What a way to go,” he joked, “but don’t die. I love you too much.”</p><p>“I’m not going anywhere,” she replied, caressing his hair softly, “I’m here, <em>forever</em>.”</p><p>“Mm, forever sounds nice, doesn’t it?” he asked, testing the waters slowly, making his way back up to her lips so he could kiss her.</p><p>“It does,” she mumbled against his lips, “forever sounds really nice.”</p><p>He hummed, noting her response and the way her heart sped up. He pulled away, looking at her, <em>at his always</em>, and grinned so wide he thought his face might split. She smiled the same. <em>Yes</em>, she thought. <em>A million times yes</em>.</p><p>Her lips were back on his within a matter of seconds, and she slid herself down off the counter, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and pulling him as close as she could possibly get him.</p><p>There was so much more he wanted to say to her. So many times he wanted to tell her that he loved her, but the look in her eyes told him that she knows. He’d tell her anyway, but she knows, and that made his heart swell.</p><p>“Shit, jell-o legs,” she remarked quietly, giggling and blushing as she leaned more of her weight against Conrad’s hard body. Her legs were shaking beneath her, and he couldn’t help but smirk. <em>He</em> had the power to make her weak. <em>He </em>was the one who got to see her like nobody does (or ever would). <em>He</em> was the one who was there to hold her up and wrap his arms around her and tell her that he loved her and that she could always lean on him. <em>He</em> was going to be <em>her always</em>, too.</p><p>“Just wait,” he began, tease and lust seeping from his deep voice, “if you think you’ve got jell-o legs now, I can’t wait to see what happens when I’ve had my way with you.”</p><p>“Mm, well, I’d say you have your work cut out for you,” she teased right back, “but I’m not finished with you either, love.”</p><p>“Fuck, Nic,” he groaned, pulling her towards their sofa and throwing himself down to sit, yanking her down on top of him and bruising her lips in a starved kiss. She thought she’d pass out from the way he was kissing and grabbing her––like she was his life source (she was, in a way). “I need you, right now,” he panted into her mouth.</p><p>“You have me,” she replied, trying to catch her breath herself, “<em>always</em>.” She reached down between their bodies and unclasped his belt buckle, clumsily dragging his pants down below his ass and freeing his thick cock from the constraints of his clothes. He sighed audibly at the relief, but he quickly needed more.</p><p>“Nic…” he pleaded, his voice heavy and hot, just like his cock against his thigh.</p><p>“I’m here,” she replied, kissing him and sucking his bottom lip between hers as she shifted so her dripping entrance was in line with his weeping cock. “I’m always here,” she repeated, sliding down onto him, swallowing his moans and heavy breaths so she could feel and hear and taste as much of him as she could. She pulled away as soon as he had bottomed out inside of her and her hips were pressed against his, looking at him through blown pupils. “Happy Thanksgiving, Conrad,” she said softly, stroking her fingers through his beard and into his hair, “I’m thankful for you each and every day. I love you, I love our story, and I love us. <em>Always</em>.” She rolled her hips gently as she spoke, holding his gaze and allowing the love for him pour out all over the both of them.</p><p>“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I am so fucking lucky––” he began, interrupted by a moan that escaped him when she found <em>the spot</em> and clenched her muscles just right so his head was swimming and his vision was fuzzy. “I’m so fucking lucky to have such a beautiful soul in my life. You’re absolutely beautiful in every single way. I love you,” he continued, his panting interrupting his words, yet the sentiment was not lost on Nic at all. Her movements faltered, and she took a moment to kiss him softly, just barely touching her lips to his, as she let his words sink in. She pulled away with a massive grin on her face, and he mirrored it. Pressing her forehead to his, she started to move again, this time with increased vigor and a quickened pace.</p><p>He was beginning to come undone very quickly, his hands flying to her hips to help move her more efficiently, and as she bounced on him, the only thing he could feel, smell, see, hear, taste, and think about was her. “Fuck,” he mumbled into the space between her neck and her shoulder, his head having dropped there after he began to see stars behind his eyelids and felt an all-too familiar heat burning in his abdomen.</p><p>She wanted to tell him to let go, and she wanted to tell him that she loved him. But the words were lost on her tongue when she lifted her head, and he did too, and their eyes met. Words couldn’t even come close to describing that feeling. When they both looked up, they saw just how completely and hopelessly in-love they were with each other. They saw just how affected they were by each other. And they saw years of a future together.</p><p>“God––” she panted as she thrust down hard on him.</p><p>“Fuck––” he moaned at the same time, thrusting up into her as she slammed down.</p><p>And that was the final push to bring them both over the edge, collapsing together in a sea of pleasure. Wordless noises and noiseless words tumbled from their tongues as the breath left their lungs and their bodies dissociated from their minds. They were floating. Completely swept up in their overpowering orgasms, not just from the physical sensation alone but from the additional extremely strong emotional sentiment, too. The words “forever” and “always” were still flavorful against their lips, fresh and delicious.</p><p>“Happy Thanksgiving,” he whispered into her hair, stroking her back as she heaved her chest against his with her effortful breaths.</p><p>She hummed, her voice vibrating his sternum and his heart. When she finally had the strength to lift her head off of him, she looked into his eyes, practically bursting with love. She kissed him––not to start another round right then, but just for the sake of kissing him because she loved him––and he kissed her back. She loved how they could go from fucking each other’s brains out to hopeless, soft romantics in the span of minutes. Her mind drifted back to the thought she had a mere fraction of a second before she came––that she could and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. She’d had that thought a few times, but never had it felt so clear and so incredibly right. She loved him, and she wanted him there for every holiday and every single morning and night. She felt that same sense of “readiness” that she felt when she asked him if they could move in together blooming in her chest, and the warmth she felt inside her body was melting her from the inside out.</p><p>He was completely lost in her, too. The thought swirling around in his brain earlier that day never having left. Only growing stronger.</p><p>“Hey, we didn’t cook anything this Thanksgiving,” he sighed, his voice still thick and heavy, breaking the tension that was rising exponentially between them.</p><p>“The day isn’t over yet,” she began, quirking her eyebrows up, “we can make something happen.”</p><p>“Mm, you seem to be quite excellent at <em>making things happen</em>,” he teased, holding her hips a little tighter to emphasize his point.</p><p>“You’re incorrigible,” she giggled, kissing him quickly, “but now that you mention it, I am starving.”</p><p>“Well then, let’s eat,” he replied, his voice dark and obviously, he was still thinking quite dirty thoughts.</p><p>“Conrad,” she giggled again, attempting to stifle the heat that was pooling again between her legs.</p><p>“I can’t help it,” he replied, nipping at her earlobe, making her gasp, “you’re too damn hot.”</p><p>“Fuck,” she sighed, relishing the feel of his lips against her skin as he journeyed down her neck towards her collarbone.</p><p>“As much as I love you in this,” he began, twisting his fingers around the thin straps of her dress, “I think it would look a lot better on the floor.” Before she had time to react, he pulled the lacy black fabric from her body and tossed God knows where. She gasped at his sudden move and at the realization that she was now completely naked. She flushed when his lips reconnected to his skin, her breath hitching as he sucked one of her tight nipples into his mouth. His hot tongue swirled around her sensitive bud, and she was a complete goner again. Her initial hunger was replaced by a different kind, and she needed him all over again.</p><p>“Conrad,” she breathed, her voice mostly air, and her fingers tangled in his hair, effectively keeping him locked against her skin.</p><p>He hummed, sucking harder, and she arched into him, her naked core sliding against his leg. Those jeans would be ruined, but hell, it was so worth it. Nic was always so in control of everything, and that was incredible (and incredibly hot). But there was something about watching her lose control that made him completely crazy (the fact that he was making her lose control making it all the more of a turn-on).</p><p>He released her nipple with a wet pop, kissing her tender flesh before he pulled away from her skin, gazing up into her dark chocolate eyes. “Tell me what you want, Nic,” he practically growled, his grip tightening against her hips.</p><p>“Fuck, Conrad, I just want <em>you</em>,” she replied, stealing a kiss from him that made his mind go static.</p><p>“You have me,” he repeated her words from earlier once she released his lips from her bruising grip on them. “I want you to feel as good as you make me feel,” he added, his voice heavy with desire, as she twisted her fingers tighter into his hair.</p><p>“You <em>always</em> make me feel so good,” she replied, breathless, as one of his hands meandered from where he held her hips around to the front of her torso, sliding up and down.</p><p>“Suck,” he nearly commanded, holding two of his fingers up towards her lips. She immediately plunged them into his mouth and sucked <em>hard</em>. He groaned, knowing that he’d much rather have her sucking something else, but he watched her in fascination. Once his fingers were thoroughly wet, he removed them from her mouth, and she smirked, knowing just how much that display was affecting him. Her smugness vanished immediately when he pressed those two fingers up against her clit.</p><p>“Shit,” she cursed darkly, mostly under her breath, and she dug her nails into the hard muscles of his shoulders. He moaned at her reaction, and he began to circle his fingers around her hood, flicking back and forth across her nub, and he instantly felt her trembling.</p><p>“You are fucking incredible, baby,” he whispered hotly into her ear––marveling at the fact that this was exactly what she had fantasized. She whimpered at that and how his fingers were bringing her to the highest highs.</p><p>“God––” she groaned, rocking into his hand as he moved faster. Then nothing. She was blind and deaf and completely boneless as she came with his name on her tongue and his fingers inside and against her most intimate part.</p><p>“Holy shit, Nic, you are so fucking gorgeous,” he whispered as he removed his fingers from her core and licked her wetness off his digits.</p><p>“Conrad… fuck… you’re amazing,” she panted, her body exhausted and sore but buzzing with the high from the immense pleasure she was feeling coursing through her veins.</p><p>“<em>Now</em> I’m sure you’re starving,” he said before kissing her lazily, chasing her sated grin as it spread across her lips.</p><p>“Mm,” she hummed, incapable of producing anything more intelligent as her brain was still fried from her orgasm(s).</p><p>“Can you stand?” he asked, half joking and half serious, his eyes crinkling as he smiled at her.</p><p>“Mm, no,” she mumbled, “fuck, Conrad.” Her legs felt heavy and almost disconnected from her body, and it seemed to take all of her strength to move to un-straddle his lap, taking up residence on the sofa next to him.</p><p>“Shit, Nic,” he chuckled, holding her body up as she tried to get her bearings and reconnect with the muscles in her body. “I guess I held up my end of the bargain,” he added, tilting her chin up so she could see how smug he was.</p><p>“You <em>exceeded</em>, as always,” she giggled, kissing the smirk off his face.</p><p>Damn, his pride was soaring. His heart was full.</p><p>“Help me up?” she asked quietly, one of her hands tracing up his chest.</p><p>“We can stay here for a second if you want,” he replied, closing his hand around hers.</p><p>“Mm, I do want at least some remnants of a proper Thanksgiving with you this year. And if I stay here any longer, I’m going to crash,” she remarked, intertwining her fingers with his.</p><p>He kissed the top of her head before sliding up off the couch and standing, pulling her up with him.</p><p>“Shit,” he muttered as his pants fell down his legs and pooled around his ankles.</p><p>“You don’t need pants to cook,” she giggled, kissing him briefly before tugging him into the kitchen on her wobbly legs. He kicked off his pants and grabbed his t-shirt from the floor beside the counter where it had been discarded earlier in the night. She turned around and was quickly engulfed by the soft fabric of his t-shirt (why were men’s t-shirts always so damn soft?). “Mm, thank you,” she whispered, smiling like an <em>idiot</em> as she relished his kindness and love.</p><p>“You know, I think all of this is going to take much longer than we have time for right now,” she stated, thinking through their potential options for food.</p><p>“Mm, you’re right,” he replied, thinking the same.</p><p>“Well, we don’t really have any food in this house besides Thanksgiving ingredients,” she added, pulling him close to her again.</p><p>“Mm, we could always just order something tonight,” he suggested, resulting in a raised eyebrow from Nic. “We could do a proper Thanksgiving tomorrow, when we’re both free. The whole nine yards. And it’ll be amazing.”</p><p>“I love that idea,” she replied, “and I love you.” Jesus, she was such a sap.</p><p>“I love you, too,” he said, nuzzling his nose against hers, gently worshiping her gorgeous features.</p><p>They ordered takeout from Trina’s Taqueria, eating quietly (and quickly) on the sofa, and once they were sufficiently filled from the actually-pretty-decent Mexican food, they stumbled up the stairs into their bedroom. Quiet giggles and soft touches filled their room as they collapsed into bed, gently caressing each other as sleep crept up on them.</p><p>Sexy Thanksgiving was the perfect way to give thanks, indeed.</p>
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<a name="section0024"><h2>24. yes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I'm back with another chapter here! there's been so much activity in this fandom the past couple days, and honestly, I'm so excited!!</p><p>04x05 was so emotional, I just was so amazed. I can't stop talking about it, haha</p><p>so anyway, this chapter is cute &lt;3 I hope you like it!!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Thanks for meeting me here, Kyle,” Conrad stated, reaching his arm out to give Nic’s father a quick hug.</p><p>“Of course,” Kyle began, returning the hug, “it’s not been all that long since Thanksgiving when we last saw each other. Is everything alright?”</p><p>“Everything is really great, actually,” Conrad replied, reaching towards the counter to grab the two coffees they ordered before making his way to an empty table, Kyle following. “I just wanted to ask you something, and I have a feeling you might know what it is,” he added as Kyle’s face lit up with excitement.</p><p>“I think I do, yes,” Kyle said softly, sitting down opposite Conrad and taking his drink in his hand. “About you and Nic?” he asked quietly, leaning in a bit.</p><p>Conrad smiled, just hearing Nic’s name. “Kyle, I love your daughter more than anything. She’s truly incredible in every way, and I wanted to ask you for your blessing to marry her.” There. One rule he didn’t break. One rule that he couldn’t wait to follow. One rule that made his heart flutter with excitement and anticipation.</p><p>“Conrad, I couldn’t imagine a better person for my daughter to spend the rest of her life with. You two are incredible. You absolutely have my blessing, son. You and my Nicky—wow,” Kyle replied with a wide smile.</p><p>“Thank you, Kyle,” Conrad said quietly, his heart rate skyrocketing and his hands shaking as he reached down into his pocket and brushed his fingers against the small box.</p><p>“My baby’s going to get married,” Kyle whispered, looking towards Conrad as they both released nervous and excited chuckles.</p><p>“Well, I haven’t asked her yet,” Conrad remarked, his eyes casting downward briefly.</p><p>“The kind of love you two share comes around once in a lifetime if you’re lucky. You love her more than anything, and she loves you right back. No need to stress—when the moment comes, you’ll know,” Kyle reassured, and Conrad smiled.</p><p>“Thanks, Kyle,” Conrad replied again, taking a sip of his coffee to attempt to swallow down the excitement that was bubbling out from his throat.</p><p>They transitioned to talking about Kyle’s volunteer work and to how Nic and Conrad’s chickens were doing, but Conrad’s mind was stuck in one place. <em>I’m going to marry Nic, </em>he thought again and again, completely marveled.</p><hr/><p>“He’s up to something,” Nic said, shaking her head as she and Mina sped through the hallways of Chastain. “He’s out getting coffee with ‘a friend,’” she added, placing air quotes around the term, “but when I asked my dad what his plans were for the morning after Conrad left, he said the same thing. There’s definitely something going on.”</p><p>“Well, my guess is he’s using your dad as a cover for the secret affair he’s been having behind your back,” Mina replied, her face completely deadpanned as Nic gasped and <em>slapped </em>her on the arm. “Nic, come on, you’re smart. He’s obviously going to ask you to marry him,” Mina added, nearly cackling at Nic’s display.</p><p>“Wha— no way,” Nic stumbled, pausing in her movements as Mina carried on ahead of her.</p><p>“Are you surprised? That man has had heart eyes for you since the second you two met,” Mina added, smirking as Nic still worked to catch her breath and gather her bearings.</p><p>“I— maybe a little? He really went to go ask my dad for his blessing? That–– that’s actually really precious,” Nic said, mostly to herself.</p><p>“Nic, I have never seen two people more right for each other than you and Conrad. And I always knew Conrad had a kind of precious ‘golden retriever’ streak,” Mina replied, playfully bumping Nic’s shoulder as she brought up the puppy reference.</p><p>Nic smiled at that, picturing how insanely accurate a golden retriever and Conrad were as twins. “I just— I— <em>wow</em>,” she marveled as she imagined getting married.</p><p>“This is something you’d want, right?” Mina asked, momentarily a little worried that things were moving too fast.</p><p>“God, yes,” Nic exhaled in response. “I’d marry him right here right now,” she added as she giggled, giddy beyond belief.</p><p>“There’s absolutely no way in hell I’d let you get married in the hospital,” Mina deadpanned again, and Nic laughed. She could really be his Mrs. Conrad Hawkins (or really, they both know that he’d be her Mr. Nic Nevin).</p><hr/><p>But not everything was easy. Things took a turn when Conrad was fired and then rehired. He had said that Nic deserved better than him when he was in that state. Devon nearly slapped him then, replying that even though things were tough, when those tough times came, who would he want by his side? The answer was Nic. Obviously and always Nic. And if she had to answer the same question, she’d say Conrad. Obviously and always Conrad. But she had practically forgotten and pushed aside the proposal in the works as days turned to weeks.</p><p>So, when Devon, Mina, AJ, Conrad, and Nic were invited to a ball for a princess patient they all helped save, it all seemed like fate. As soon as Nic stepped into Conrad’s office, which they <em>still </em>had yet to christen (though one could say that the phone sex on Thanksgiving could count), in her stunning navy-blue long dress that accentuated her gorgeous physique, he was speechless. He clutched the ring in his pocket of his jeans and felt a flurry of nerves rushing throughout his body.</p><p>“Wow,” he growled, “you in that dress is exactly what I need right now,” he remarked, moving to stand as he wound his arms around her and kissed her deep and long, taking her breath away just like she did to him.</p><p>Once they finally pulled apart, she replied breathlessly, “it’s time for you to return the feeling,” setting down his suit bag against the side of his desk. He was a little messy with his desk work—papers strewn about, textbooks opened to random pages, notes scrawled in his nearly illegible handwriting on sticky notes and stuck on every available surface—so she had to lay his suit on top of a few of his things, silently scolding him for the mess.</p><p>“Mm, we have time,” he said huskily into her ear, and she instantly flushed.</p><p>“We don’t have <em>enough</em> time, Conrad,” she tried to sound convincing, but her voice sounded needy and desperate for him. “I wish we did,” she added, her voice dropping lower as she glided her lips against his cheek.</p><p>“I love you,” he said, his words charged with an unfamiliar spark of electricity. It made her hair stand up along her arms, and it made her insides boil with desire and affection and love.</p><p>“I love you, too,” she replied, trying to decipher this new energy between them.</p><p>A beat. A breath. A peaceful silence.</p><p>That was new.</p><p>“I’ll get changed quickly then,” he added, noticing how things were shifting in the air around them and wanting to pull back, knowing that tonight was the night, but also being sure as hell he wasn’t going to propose in the hospital. If he had stood there for even a fraction of a second longer, he would have definitely given himself away––that he was hiding something. Maybe later tonight? Yes, definitely later tonight.</p><p>He closed the bathroom door, blowing out the breath that was caught in his throat. He slowly undressed and exchanged his scrubs for his suit, his shaky fingers struggling with his bowtie. He sighed, and just when he had about given up, Nic opened the door slowly.</p><p>“Everything okay in here?” she asked tentatively.</p><p>“Yes, yeah,” he replied, his hands moving back to hold the black fabric around his neck, “just— this darn thing—”</p><p>“Let me?” she asked, her voice soft as she held the tie in her hands and proceeded to expertly wind it perfectly. She could tell he was nervous, but she didn’t know why. Maybe this whole ball thing wasn’t something he was comfortable with. “You know, we don’t have to go out. We could just stay in, get some wine…” she reassured, gazing at his soft brown orbs with hers.</p><p>“And lose a night dancing with you in that dress?” he asked, furrowing his brows slightly as a smile tugged at the corners of his lips. “Absolutely not,” he practically whispered, turning to face her.</p><p>She smiled, but he kissed it away as he made sure she knew that he wanted this night with her. Her phone buzzed in her clutch, pulling their attention away from each other momentarily. His phone buzzed shortly after.</p><p>“Hm, I wonder if it’s Devon, telling us to hurry up,” Conrad remarked, reaching for his phone in his suit pocket as Nic grabbed hers from her clutch.</p><p>“It’s an email from the organizers of that conference we went to back in January,” she remarked, her eyes flicking across the words in the message.</p><p>“They’re cancelling this year’s meeting for ‘structural adjustments and reconfiguration,’” he added, quoting the message text directly.</p><p>“Mm, it’s about damn time,” she huffed, smiling as she remembered the events of that conference—both in terms of the other healthcare workers gaining recognition for all their hard work, and how her and Conrad’s relationship began to truly flourish there.</p><p>“Sure is,” he added, leaning in to kiss her once more before his phone buzzed again. “Shit, now it’s Devon. We better go before he thinks—”</p><p>“Yes, yes, come on. Get your sexy ass out of here. Did I ever tell you how hot you look in that suit?” she teased, sliding her arm into his and gazing up at him through her lashes.</p><p>“Damnit woman, you’re not making the idea of leaving this room any more appealing,” he huffed, heat threatening to explode within his body.</p><p>“Mm,” she hummed, walking towards the door and bringing him with her, “as much as I want to have my way with you right now, I don’t want Devon to think we’re a bunch of horndogs.”</p><p>“Even if that’s what we are?” he teased, bringing his face close to hers—close enough she could feel his breath on her exposed neck.</p><p>“Conrad,” she warned, her cheeks flushing.</p><p>“Okay, okay,” he remarked, noticing the way her skin reddened, “plenty of time for that later. Now, come on, let’s go.”</p><hr/><p>The venue was gorgeous. Utterly spectacular. Everyone was exquisite, the drinks and food were completely delicious, and the way the room swelled with everyone’s presence and fancy dresses and tuxes was, quite literally, a fairytale.</p><p>But Conrad’s eyes didn’t dance around the room. He didn’t fully notice the venue or the lights or the music or the hors d’oeuvres. He only had eyes for Nic. She was positively radiant in her simple navy dress. She was utterly gorgeous with her hair swept back off her shoulders. She was totally adorable when she said something silly or cracked a horrid joke and couldn’t contain her laughter even when she tried to by holding her drink close to her lips. Her fucking <em>lips</em> he wanted to taste so desperately.</p><p>“Hello?”</p><p>“Earth to Conrad Hawkins?”</p><p>Oops, was someone talking to him?</p><p>“Are you okay? I kind of lost you there,” Nic said softly, gently brushing her fingers of one of her hands through his hair.</p><p>“Me? Yeah, I’m good,” he replied, almost a little out of breath. “I just–– you look <em>amazing</em>. You <em>are</em> amazing,” he added, covering the hand she had laid against the table with his.</p><p>“Mm, well…” she began, her voice lowering, “we came, we saw, we had punch––” she added with a giggle, slowly inching towards him.</p><p>“Oh, but we haven’t danced yet,” he interjected, tugging her all the way against him as she gasped.</p><p>“Weren’t <em>you</em> the one trying to get us out of here as fast as possible?” she teased as he pulled her to the dance floor and slung her arms around his neck.</p><p>He chuckled, low and deep, leaning his cheek against hers as he swayed slowly to the music. “It takes two to tango, baby,” he whispered against her skin, his hot breath sending pulses of electricity through her entire body.</p><p>She pulled her head away from his so she could properly gape at him. “Conrad…” she warned, her cheeks and neck dusting with light pink at his use of her pet name.</p><p>“Actually, we’re not really tango-ing, are we?” he teased, his smile crinkling his eyes up in the way that she absolutely adored. “More like ‘high school prom’ dancing…” he added, scrunching up his eyebrows before whisking her out to twirl her and bring her back.</p><p>She giggled at his display, smiling ten miles wide as he pulled her back in.</p><p>“Ah, yep, that’s it. That’s better. That’s exactly what I needed,” he remarked, dropping his cheek beside hers once again. “I know that this year’s been tough, but I also know that together we can get through anything.”</p><p>That sunk in profoundly for both of them then. She sighed softly, realizing the truth and depth of those words. <em>Together we can get through anything</em>. She believed that more than anything. And so did he. She smiled and tilted his face down towards hers, catching a glimpse at his gorgeous brown eyes that held so much love for her in them, and kissed him. He was home. He was her heart. He was her family, her love, her everything. And she was his right back.</p><p>She pulled away and he lingered there, eyes closed, bliss painted all over his face, and he sighed softly, a small smile curling the corners of his lips up. He opened his eyes and locked them on her, “okay, now I think it’s safe to say, let’s get the hell out of here.”</p><p>“God, I was hoping you’d say that,” she replied, smiling and quickly tugging him away from the crowded dance floor over to where their coats were. They laughed and joked as they zipped and buttoned up their coats to brave the Atlanta winter night, but Conrad was completely nervous. He knew that <em>this</em> was the right moment. He was sure and she was sure (they always had been), but this was going to be perfect.</p><p>Little did he know, that as they walked through a nearby park on the way to their house, she would actually propose to him first. Though, she did it in her practical Nic way––‘seducing’ him with insurance rates… classic––but it made his heart race and his stomach flip.</p><p>“It just seems like the practical thing to do,” she said, trying to defend her point after he had called her out on the way that she decided to bring up this proposal. Whenever you start a sentence like <em>so I was talking to my accountant the other day, and</em>… the last place you’d expect that to go is <em>so we should get married</em>! But Nic. Always full of surprises.</p><p>“I reject your proposal,” he replied, unable to contain his laughter. <em>Little did you know that I was literally going to propose to you right now</em>, he thought.</p><p>“You <em>reject </em>it?” she gasped, her jaw dropping as he nodded his head.</p><p>Well, that was unexpected. But Conrad was always unexpected. And unexpected was his next move. Because one moment they were laughing and teasing each other, and he was making fun at her, then he was deep into a monologue about how much he loved her.</p><p>“I mean, you were my rock when I got fired, you pushed me to forgive my father, and you gave me chickens! You always make those annoying sounds when you eat, and I’ll probably never learn to pick up my socks, but nobody’s perfect. We just keep trying to make each other better. We–– we <em>belong</em> together,” he had said.</p><p>“<em>Conrad</em>,” she interrupted, narrowing her eyes. “Wait, are <em>you</em> proposing to <em>me</em> now?” she asked, on the verge of screaming or laughing or crying, she couldn’t tell.</p><p>“Why do you think I’m saying all this lovey-dovey stuff? And why do you think I’ve been carrying <em>this </em>around in my pocket for <em>weeks</em>?” he asked softly, reaching down into his coat pocket and pulling out a little black box. A little black box with an absolutely <em>stunning</em> simple diamond ring.</p><p><em>Holy shit</em>. This was happening. This was really happening.</p><p>He got down on one knee.</p><p>She willed the tears to stay in her eyes as she stood there. Stunned. In shock. In love.</p><p>“Nicolette Marie Nevin,” he began, his voice low and thick with emotion, “will you do me the honor––”</p><p>“<em>Yes</em>,” she whispered as she pulled him up to stand so she could kiss him. “Yes, yes, a million times yes,” she continued into his lips. There were tears now, she was sure, but she didn’t care. She loved him, and she’d say yes to spending a million lifetimes with him. Always.</p><p>“Are you sure?” he asked, unable to wipe the smile off his face but wanting to make sure that this was what she really, truly wanted.</p><p>“Conrad, I have never been so sure of anything in my life before,” she replied, the certainty in her voice conveying the truth in her sentiment. She giggled and kissed him again. <em>Oh my God, oh my God, oh my GOD!</em> Her brain was completely overwhelmed, her heart was hammering against her chest, and her hands were shaking, but she had never felt so happy in her entire life.</p><p>This really was like a fairytale.</p><p>“Wow, Nic, you’re going to be my <em>wife</em>,” he remarked quietly against her lips.</p><p>“You’re going to be my <em>husband</em>,” she mirrored, smiling and dropping her head down. He took advantage of her shifted position to press a series of kisses to her forehead. “Oh my God,” she whispered, giggly and hands shaking still.</p><p>“You didn’t even let me finish,” he chuckled.</p><p>“Well, you kind of hijacked my proposal,” she giggled.</p><p>“I’d been wanting to ask you for a while…” he trailed off, squeezing her waist as she kissed his cheek.</p><p>“I kind of had a feeling, when you went out for coffee with my dad a few weeks ago,” she replied, stroking his cheek where she had just kissed it.</p><p>“Wait, you knew about that?” he asked, eyes wide.</p><p>“Well, I knew you were going out for coffee, so I thought I’d check in on my dad. But he was also mysteriously out for coffee, too. I told Mina and she made some joke and then told me that you were probably thinking about asking me to marry you,” she said, her voice breathless and high-pitched as she was still high on excitement over the whole ordeal. “I almost lost it right then,” she added, “I got so excited at the idea of spending the rest of my life with you, and every day I am even more thrilled that it could be––and now will be––true.”</p><p>“I’m so excited too, and God, I was so nervous. I wanted the perfect proposal for us because you deserve nothing less, but my goodness when you walked into my office today, I just knew that this was the right time. And I suppose you thought that, too,” he replied, his smile growing impossibly larger as he swept his hand across her cheek and tucked a piece of her gorgeous golden locks that had fallen loose behind her ear. “I love you, now and forever, and I am thrilled that you want to spend the rest of your life with me as I do with you.”</p><p>“Conrad,” she breathed, letting her hands float to his, still holding that little black box. “I love you, too,” she smiled, “<em>always</em>.”</p><p>“Can I?” he asked, holding her hands and raising his eyebrow.</p><p>“Yes, yes,” she replied quickly, once again filled to the brim with excitement as he opened the box and took the ring out, gently caressing her left hand with his free one as he tucked the box back into his pocket. He gently held her hand in his, and he felt her shaking along with him. She watched in awe as he gently slid the diamond ring over her finger, and he laughed quietly when the ring took its rightful place around her digit.</p><p>“Oh my God, Conrad, this is beautiful,” she remarked, completely in awe as she gazed down at their connected hands and her new ring.</p><p>“Yeah,” he replied, looking directly at her and tilting her face up so her eyes met his. He kissed her again, and she lifted her hands up to his face, relishing the feeling of the new weight on her ring finger.</p><p>“Together we can get through anything,” she repeated his words from when they were dancing, and he smiled sheepishly. “You really were gearing up to propose to me all evening, weren’t you?” she teased sweetly, running her fingers gently along his face as she spoke.</p><p>“Alright, alright, I know I won’t be able to live that one down,” he chuckled in response, pulling her even closer (she didn’t think they could get any closer, but he somehow bent the laws of physics and matter so they could be <em>even </em>closer than before). “And hey, it’s freezing out here, and right now, I’d like nothing more than to take my <em>fiancée </em>home and continue pouring my heart out to her all night long.”</p><p>“Jesus, Conrad,” she exhaled, “you’re going to make me cry.”</p><p>“Oh, love, I’m just getting started,” he replied, that cockiness and playfulness in his voice making her heart skip a beat.</p><p>“Well then, <em>fiancé</em>, what are we waiting for?” she asked, matching his playfulness as she looped her arm around his.</p><p>“I love you, Nic,” he whispered softly as they began walking towards home.</p><p>“I love you, too,” she replied, her eyes glistening in the Atlanta city night and from her almost-tears that had been threatening to spill for the better of the past ten minutes.</p><p>A three-letter word, <em>yes</em>, held so much power. And three little words, <em>I love you</em>, carried so much weight. These weren’t light, easy words. These weren’t words that can just be thrown around. These words change fates. They pave paths. They communicate so much in such little space. And here, they were the perfect words.</p><p><em>Yes</em>, she had said.</p><p><em>Yes, yes, a million times yes</em>.</p>
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<a name="section0025"><h2>25. a goddamn thursday</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sorry everyone, this one is kinda all over the place! I've just been so emotionally put through the wringer by the past two episodes that I needed some PURE fluff. So here it is. 100% fluff. (And lots of dialogue... oops)</p>
<p>I hope you all like it and have enjoyed this story!! It's almost done (huge sad), and I can't wait to share the rest with you &lt;3</p>
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    <p><em>Yes</em>, she had said.</p>
<p><em>Yes, yes, a million times yes</em>.</p>
<p>“Hey, where’d you go?” her soft voice broke his apparent trance as she laid beside him in bed, sweaty and spent, tracing her fingers gently along the damp skin of his chest.</p>
<p>“Hm? Oh, I was just thinking,” he replied, his voice airy and light, his brain still foggy from pleasure and adrenaline and endorphins and <em>yes</em>.</p>
<p>“Care to share with the class?” she teased, scratching her nails lightly down his sternum as she shuffled closer to him.</p>
<p>He chuckled at that, letting his eyes flutter closed as he took it all in again. “I’m just–– this is so great. I’m really happy, Nic,” he finally said, opening his eyes and letting his gaze wash over her. Her golden waves were messy and tangled and fanned out over their sheets, her skin was still a little dewy and sweet and flushed, her chocolate eyes were sparkling in the low light of their bedroom, and her chest was rising and falling slow and deep after her breathing settled down from their activities just a few short minutes ago. She was perfect. She was perfect, and he gets to spend the rest of his life with her.</p>
<p>“I’m really happy, too,” she replied, her voice thick and sweet. She glanced down at the new ring that adorned her finger––and the only thing she was wearing at the moment––and she smiled a wide smile and laughed a quiet laugh. “So, so happy,” she added, flicking her gaze back up to his eyes as she threw her arm over him and moved her torso up so their chests were pressed together.</p>
<p>He hummed, his body buzzing with the aftermath of his arousal and with the feeling of being with the woman he loves, leaning up slightly to taste her happiness. His kisses were soft, and she whimpered, burning this memory and this feeling into every single one of her cells.</p>
<p>“Mm, you know, your dad has been waiting to hear from me when this finally happened,” he remarked against her lips, diving back in shortly thereafter.</p>
<p>“Hm, no wonder he’s been calling me nonstop recently,” she teased, pulling away to rest her forehead against his. “But that begs the question of when we’re going to share our news,” she added, gently rubbing her nose against his.</p>
<p>“Oh baby, I want to shout it from the rooftops,” he husked as his arms snaked around her naked torso, pressing the length of her body more firmly against his. “But I understand if we want to wait a little bit. I’m game for whatever you’re most comfortable with.”</p>
<p>“Mm, I think I’d like to shout it from the rooftops, too,” she replied, her voice low and brimming with renewed desire and excitement. “My God, your dad is going to lose his mind,” she giggled, shuffling up against him so she settled fully between his legs.</p>
<p>“Fuck, please don’t bring my <em>dad</em> up when you’re lying on top of me, naked,” he groaned and she laughed. Her laughter, though, quickly turned into moans as he pushed her body over his and onto the sheets, and he began kissing and sucking her neck down to her collarbones and sternum.</p>
<p>He made love to her, his <em>fiancée</em>, then again. In the middle of the night, with the moon and the stars the only audience to their moans and sighs and laughter. Though they had to get up for work in a few hours, they simply didn’t mind. Happiness exuded out from their skin along with the heat and the desire and the love.</p>
<p>But finally down from their highs, their heavy eyelids gave way to much-needed sleep as they laid tangled up in each other and in their sheets, inching ever closer together as the night turned to day. They had decided to organize a little get-together at a new fun club so they could tell their Chastain family their new news, Nic still half asleep as Conrad described his plan to her early that morning. She hummed and nodded, trying to catch a few more minutes of sleep that Conrad was not letting her have. She finally turned over and buried her head in the pillow, groaning as the morning sun began to cascade through their windows.</p>
<p>“Alright, sleepyhead, come on, we have work,” he teased, drumming his fingers along her back before gripping her naked hips and dragging her back towards him.</p>
<p>She squealed, giggling and bringing the pillow with her so she could whack him playfully with it.</p>
<p>“Violence is never the answer, Nic!” he exclaimed, chuckling as he pried the pillow from her death grip.</p>
<p>“Why did you have to propose to me on a goddamn <em>Thursday</em>,” she groaned in feigned annoyance, “I just want to stay in bed with you forever.”</p>
<p>“Why would you have a ball on a goddamn <em>Thursday</em>? That should be the real question here,” he diverted, winding his arms around her to stop her from thrashing at him in protest of his remark.</p>
<p>“God, you’re such a dork,” she giggled, wrapping her arms around his. They held each other like that for a few beats of silence before she spoke up again. “Do you have a chain that I can put this on today? All of mine are short,” she asked gesturing to her engagement ring, the diamond catching the early morning sunlight that was now coming in more pronounced through their windows.</p>
<p>“I think I do, yeah,” he replied, kissing her temple quickly before untangling himself from her, “let me go grab it.” He slid out of the bed, quickly throwing on a pair of boxers, before heading downstairs. While down there, he started the coffee and began looking for the chain he knew was in one of the drawers down there (along with all the random crap he threw in there too). Maybe he should have listened to her and taken the five minutes to organize those drawers before they became a hot disaster… oh well, that’ll be for another time.</p>
<p>As he was searching for the chain downstairs, she flopped back on the bed, her body pleasantly sore and a wide smile on her face. She allowed the morning sun to bathe her for a few minutes until she heard Conrad’s footsteps starting back up the stairs. She counted down his steps until she knew he was in the room. But then he stopped walking. She turned her head to see what had caused him to stall, and she saw him holding two cups of coffee, leaning against the doorframe with the goofiest smile.</p>
<p>“Ooh, you have <em>caffeine</em>,” she remarked, the smell enough to coax her to sit upright, pulling the sheet up over her naked body.</p>
<p>“And you look like a goddess,” he replied, setting both cups down on the bedside table along his side of the bed so he could crawl up to kiss her.</p>
<p>She blushed, her eyes casting down as she fiddled with the sheet, “please, like you don’t always look like a goddamn Greek God,” she mumbled, her cheeks heating up at her admission.</p>
<p>“Oh?” he husked, “really?”</p>
<p>“Don’t let that go to your head,” she added quickly as she rolled her eyes.</p>
<p>He laughed and kissed the protest right off her face, finally sitting back to grab their coffees and give her the caffeine she so desperately craved. She took a big inhale of the drink, humming quietly as Conrad watched her.</p>
<p>“What are you looking at me like that for?” she giggled before taking a sip of her coffee. It was perfect. He knew just how she liked it, and that thought made her heart flutter.</p>
<p>“You know when something hasn’t fully sunk in, and then it kind of just <em>does</em>?” he asked quietly, shifting to sit right beside her.</p>
<p>“Mm, I guess?” she replied, leaning against his shoulder with hers before taking another sip.</p>
<p>“Well, that’s kind of happening right now. I mean, <em>we’re engaged</em>. That’s really a thing,” he remarked, “I get to marry you, Nic.”</p>
<p>“It is really a thing,” she repeated, “and I couldn’t be more excited and happy about it.” She tilted her head up and pressed her warm lips to his cheek, lingering there for a moment as she took this moment in, too.</p>
<p>He smiled, and she felt it against her lips, her own corners of her mouth tugging upwards.</p>
<p>This was everything––sitting in bed in the morning, drinking coffee, smiling and laughing and kissing lazily. They were really doing it. They were really each other’s endgame.</p>
<p>~•~•~•~•~•~</p>
<p>“Hey Nic,” Mina greeted as she met her best friend in the hall later that morning. “How did you like the party last night?” she asked, stepping in stride with her.</p>
<p>“Mm, that party was great, yeah, I had a really good time,” Nic replied, blushing slightly.</p>
<p>“Really? I wouldn’t have really thought that to be your <em>scene</em>. You know, the ballgowns, the fancy drinks, the dancing, the entire ballroom venue… unless… wait did something else happen?” Mina asked as Nic made her way around the counter to start typing something into the computer.</p>
<p>“Oh, um––” Nic stuttered, being caught off guard.</p>
<p>“Okay, something <em>did</em> happen,” Mina chuckled, “and don’t even bother trying to lie to me. You suck at it.”</p>
<p>“Thanks Mina,” Nic replied sarcastically, “and yeah, I guess you could say something happened.”</p>
<p>“Well, are you going to tell me what it is, or are you just going to stand there and make me guess?” Mina replied, cocking an eyebrow up as she leaned forward over the counter so she was close to her friend.</p>
<p>“Hm, well, since you’re teasing me about it, why don’t you give it a shot. <em>Try</em> to guess,” Nic responded, crossing her arms and smirking, thinking she was on the upper hand.</p>
<p>But oh no, Mina was one step ahead of her. She glanced down to her friend’s left hand, noticing no ring there, but then she smirked herself when she saw that Nic was in fact wearing a new necklace. A long one. One that she couldn’t see what was at the bottom of the chain.</p>
<p>“I think I have a pretty good guess,” Mina added, leaning forward just a bit more.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah?” Nic teased, but she was totally caught off guard when Mina reached forward and touched the chain around her neck.</p>
<p>“I think it has something to do with this,” Mina began, hooking her finger underneath the simple metal. “How am I doing so far?” she teased as Nic stood there, shocked. Well, she probably shouldn’t have been so surprised… Mina kind of knows everything.</p>
<p>“Maybe, maybe not,” Nic replied, trying to fight to the end to maintain her upper hand. But it was done for when Mina gently lifted the rest of her necklace from under her scrub top, revealing the diamond ring that Conrad had given her the night before.</p>
<p>“Hm, now, does it have something to do with <em>this</em>?” Mina teased again, “because <em>I </em>really think it does.”</p>
<p>Nic laughed, uncontrollably grinning like a complete dork as she saw her ring again. “You can’t tell anyone yet,” she giggled, “but yes, it did happen last night.”</p>
<p>“Okay, I’m going to need all the details about this rom-com level proposal,” Mina replied, her eyes sparkling with happiness for Nic. “And come on, it was about damn time that he got his shit together and asked you.”</p>
<p>Nic giggled again, memories of last night flooding her mind as she quietly tucked the ring back down underneath her scrubs. “I’ll tell you everything after work,” Nic replied, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as she continued typing into the computer.</p>
<p>“Mm, fine,” Mina replied, “but I better be getting the full report. I don’t want some half-assed summary.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Nic smiled. “You’d settle for nothing less,” she teased.</p>
<p>~•~•~•~•~•~</p>
<p>“Hey man,” Devon greeted later that day, patting his mentor on the shoulder as he grabbed his second cup of coffee that morning—the hospital coffee tasting significantly worse than coffee at home with Nic, but still providing caffeine.</p>
<p>“Hey Dev,” Conrad replied, “nice party last night.”</p>
<p>They both started walking towards a table to sit for a couple minutes before their break was over.</p>
<p>“It was,” Devon remarked, smiling as he thought about Nadine. “But I couldn’t help but notice you and Nic dipping early,” he teased, hiding his smirk behind his fried egg sandwich he didn’t know Conrad bought him.</p>
<p>“Easy now, we stayed long enough,” Conrad replied, feeling the temperature in the room rise as he thought about last night.</p>
<p>“Looks like you got it good last night,” Devon continued to tease, “hospital coffee already?”</p>
<p>Conrad rolled his eyes but couldn’t help but laugh. Because he did get it good last night. It would be hopeless to try and deny it.</p>
<p>“Man, I better be invited to your wedding,” Devon continued, making Conrad nearly choke on his coffee. “But hey, teasing aside, you and Nic—you guys are inevitable,” he added, his tone a bit more sobering and serious as he conveyed his honesty about his love and respect for them.</p>
<p>“Thanks, Devon,” Conrad replied, “and that might have to be a legitimate consideration sometime soon.”</p>
<p>“Oh?” Devon queried, raising an eyebrow. “Wait, you and Nic— you guys— you <em>asked</em> her?” he stuttered, leaning forward towards Conrad as excitement bubbled out of his body.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I did,” Conrad replied, grinning like an idiot, “well, I guess she asked me first, but that’s kind of besides the point. Yeah, Nic and I— I guess we— we just got engaged. But okay, we’re not really telling <em>everyone</em> yet. I’m sure Mina already knows by now, but you’re the only other person who knows.”</p>
<p>“Holy <em>shit</em>, man!” Devon whisper-exclaimed, “congratulations!” he added, dropping his egg sandwich and shoving his mentor’s shoulders.</p>
<p>Conrad laughed, relishing the feel of telling one of his best friends his happy news. He though about Nic and how her interaction with Mina went. She knew that Mina’d figure it out, but she wanted her to work for it. He was sure she’d have a good story to tell him when they got off work later that day.</p>
<p>~•~•~•~•~•~</p>
<p>“Wow, she guessed that fast, huh?” Conrad teased as he and Nic left Chastain that day, the winter air crisp against their skin as they walked to Nic’s car.</p>
<p>“It’s Mina, she knew something was up the second she saw me,” Nic replied, leaning into her fiancé as she spoke.</p>
<p>“Yeah, but wow, you must have given it away so easily,” he continued, earning him a playful glare from his fiancée.</p>
<p>“If I’d have known you were going to tease me this much so quickly, I never would have agreed to marry you,” she remarked, walking slightly ahead of him.</p>
<p>“Not true,” he replied as he caught up to her, capturing her by the waist and pulling her into his embrace. “Plus, <em>you </em>asked first,” he added before planting a solid kiss on her lips.</p>
<p>“You’re right,” she mumbled into his lips, “I love you, and <em>I did</em> ask first.”</p>
<p>Yes, they were one of those newly engaged couples that stopped in the middle of the parking lot to make out. He continued to attack her with kisses even as she opened her car door and sat down in the driver’s side. She laughed and struggled between pulling him towards her to keep his lips against hers and pushing him away so they could get back home. But, he made the decision. He pulled away, eyes darkened with lust and love and desire, and instead of getting into the car on the passenger side, he stepped back towards the rear door. He shot her a cheeky grin as he opened the door.</p>
<p>They were far too old to opt for sucking each other’s faces in the back of her car in the parking lot of the hospital they both work at, smelling like antiseptic and stress and the ED, but here they were. Before she could even think not to, Nic found herself standing and following him into the backseat of her car. His grin widened, and when she slid her legs over his to straddle his lap and then close the car door, he chuckled quietly.</p>
<p>“Yes, we are going to make out in the back of my car even though we live ten minutes from here,” she remarked, anticipating the thought in his mind.</p>
<p>“Yes, we are,” he mirrored, threading his fingers through her golden hair. He slid his hands underneath the bottom of her sweater top, caressing her soft skin.</p>
<p>She hummed at his featherlight touch, bringing her face down towards his, letting the air between them thicken with anticipation before gently placing her lips against his. Her movements started off slow, pressing lingering kisses across his bottom lip and against the corners of his mouth before she gently took his bottom lip between hers and ran the top of her tongue across it. She felt him groan almost inaudibly, and a small smile tugged at her lips. It was still incredible to her that <em>she</em> could make him lose his mind. And that <em>she</em> would be the only one to do that, forever and <em>always</em>.</p>
<p>She kissed him again, slow and deep, just how he liked it. Conrad was one of the most generous men when it came to everything, and that is not excluding sex or sexual acts. He loved making her feel good, and he’d prolong his release just to allow her the time she needed to feel hers. She always felt loved and taken care of, and she wanted to make sure he felt the same.</p>
<p>She nudged his lips apart with hers, and she slowly guided her tongue into his mouth. Her hands slid up his torso and into his hair, locking his head in place so she could have full control over how deep she kissed him. His short, sandy brown locks were fisted in her hands, and he loved the feel of her all over him. One thing was certain about Nic, she was an all-or-nothing kind of person. When she takes on a case, she dedicates her full time and energy to it. When she tries something new, she goes all in. When she loves, she loves with every cell in her body. And he is completely in awe every time he pauses and witnesses it.</p>
<p>“I love you,” he husked when she released his lips for a brief moment to allow them both to catch their breaths.</p>
<p>She tugged his hair harder and crashed her lips against his and kissed him a little deeper, making him groan audibly this time. “I love you, too,” she added as she pulled away and shifted down so she could kiss his neck. She sucked his pulse point, feeling the rhythm increase as she did so, and his hands slid back down to her waist.</p>
<p>She scraped her teeth down the column of his throat, and he chuckled darkly, digging his fingers into her hips and sliding her up so her chest was flush with his. She gasped in surprise when her lips pulled away from his skin, but when her eyes locked with his, she nearly burst into flames with from energy with which he was looking at her.</p>
<p>“Nic,” he gritted through his breaths, which had become heavier and faster.</p>
<p>“Yes?” she asked, feigning ignorance and innocence.</p>
<p>“We need to go home now,” he added, his voice low and gravelly.</p>
<p>“Right now?” she asked, her voice teasing yet still filled with false innocence as she rolled her hips against his.</p>
<p>“<em>Fuck</em>–– yeah right now,” he replied quickly, his voice mostly air. </p>
<p>“If you need to come, let me make you come,” she remarked, rolling her hips against his again.</p>
<p>“Nic––”</p>
<p>Another roll of her hips. “Yes?”</p>
<p>“<em>Fuck</em>––”</p>
<p>“Mhmm,” she hummed. She slid back on his legs, unbuckling his belt swiftly and pushing his jeans and boxers down below his ass.</p>
<p>“God––” he groaned.</p>
<p>“Mm, no need to be so formal. Just Nic is fine,” she teased, sliding fully off his legs onto the car floor.</p>
<p>“Asshole––”</p>
<p>“I think you mean <em>fiancée</em>,” she added before parting her lips around his hard cock and feeling the muscles in his abdomen tense.</p>
<p>“<em>Fuck</em>––”</p>
<p>He closed his eyes and–– yeah, he was the luckiest son of a bitch on the face of this earth.</p>
<p>“Welcome back,” she teased, stroking his hair gently and leaving featherlight kisses on his cheeks, nose, and temples.</p>
<p>“Shit, Nic, you really just sucked my dick in the car like we’re some horny sixteen-year-olds trying to sneak one in before we have to drive back home because we have a curfew,” he panted.</p>
<p>“That’s… oddly specific,” she giggled.</p>
<p>“Mm,” he hummed, his eyes fluttering closed.</p>
<p>“<em>Now</em> we can go home,” she added, running her fingers through his hair again.</p>
<p>“Mhmm, yeah, yes, absolutely,” he mumbled his eyes still closed, but a completely goofy smile adorned his features.</p>
<p>“You’re ridiculous,” she snorted, kissing him quickly before sliding off his legs so he could fix his jeans and boxers.</p>
<p>He did so, slowly and uncoordinated, as if his brain was still miles away. She watched him as the flame inside her continued to burn––she loved him so fiercely. Finally, he had pulled himself together, dressed enough to get out of the backseat and walk around to the passenger side, and they re-entered the car.</p>
<p>Just as Nic started the car, her dad called. Conrad reached over and answered her phone before Nic could even ask if he could, connecting the device to the hands-free setting, and Nic smiled.</p>
<p>“Hey dad,” Nic began, “is everything okay?” She felt more than a little embarrassed that she was talking to her father not three minutes after her fiancé’s cock was down her throat, still able to taste him as the words “hey dad” fell from her lips.</p>
<p>“Hey Nicky! Are you in the car?” Kyle replied, excited and still baffled at the normalcy of their conversations as father and daughter.</p>
<p>“Yes, I am with Conrad, we’re just driving home from work,” she replied, and Conrad’s hand came to cover hers on the center console as they pulled up to a red light out of the hospital and she let her hand rest there.</p>
<p>“Oh–– sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt––” Kyle stammered.</p>
<p>“No, no, you’re alright,” Nic interjected, lucky he called then instead of five minutes earlier, “and actually, we have something to tell you.”</p>
<p>“Oh–– oh, what is it?” he asked, excitement bubbling from his voice through the phone.</p>
<p>Nic smiled, “well, Conrad and I–– we’re engaged!” She loved the taste of those words on her tongue. <em>We’re engaged</em>. Hell yeah they are.</p>
<p>“Congratulations, Nicky! Oh, I’m so happy for you,” Kyle exclaimed, his voice wavering with emotion.</p>
<p>“Thanks, dad, we’re over the moon,” Nic breathed, glancing towards Conrad before the light turned green.</p>
<p>“I’ll bet you are–– you two are perfect for each other,” Kyle added, and Nic could hear his smile through the phone, “we’ll have to get Marshall and we can all celebrate.”</p>
<p>“Well, we kind of have to tell him first,” Nic teased, flicking her gaze briefly over to Conrad.</p>
<p>“Oh oh yes, of course!” Kyle exclaimed, excitement still high and heavy in his voice, “well, this is just wonderful. I’ll–– um, I’ll let you go so you can give Marshall a quick call, too. Just let me know what you think about dinner sometime?”</p>
<p>“Of course, dad. I love you,” Nic replied, grinning ten miles wide.</p>
<p>“I love you too, baby girl. And Conrad, too!” Kyle added, causing both Nic and Conrad to laugh.</p>
<p>The line disconnected, and they had just pulled up to their house.</p>
<p>“He was thinking that I would never ask you because it was taking me so damn long, you know,” Conrad remarked, glancing over to Nic as she took the keys out of the ignition. “Poor guy, I nearly gave him a heart attack from all that waiting.”</p>
<p>“But he did so well, not giving anything away,” Nic replied, leaning toward Conrad, “and for the record, your timing was perfect. I couldn’t have imagined a better time to have the love of my life propose to me.”</p>
<p>“Jesus, Nic, I love you,” he whispered, tugging her face softly towards his to kiss those words into his brain forever.</p>
<p>“And I you,” she replied quietly into his lips before kissing him again. She pulled away after their lips met again, only to tell him that it was about damn time to go inside.</p>
<p>He smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling with utter happiness, and nodded, following her inside before taking the lead and dragging her over to the sofa. He guided her down gently, leaving soft little kisses all across her face, and sat next to her, pulling her close and wrapping both of his arms around her. She rested her back against his front, twisting ever so slightly to the side so she could feel his heartbeat against her temple, and she closed her eyes, simply allowing the overwhelming feeling of being so in love take over every cell of her body.</p>
<p>She mumbled against him to call his father, and he pulled his phone out from his pocket, struggling just a little given how she was laying across him. He dialed Marshall’s number and he picked up on the second ring with a cheery “Conrad! How are you doing, son?” Oh, how she loved that they were both now closer to their parents because of each other. The fact that they both were able to share this lovely and amazing moment with their fathers was simply incredible, and it was something that both thought impossible just a few short years ago.</p>
<p>Nic chuckled softly when she heard Marshall’s stuttering exclamations on the other end of the line when Conrad told him that they were getting married. Conrad smiled down at his fiancée, telling his father that he had indeed found the love of his life and that he was the happiest he’s ever been.</p>
<p>She was, too–– the happiest she’s ever been.</p>
<p>This was one of those moments that you know you’re going to remember for the rest of your life. The way you felt, the exact thoughts you had, the smells and feelings and lights in the room–– everything. It was all tucked away beautifully in her mind, this memory one of the happiest ones either one of them could think of.</p>
<p>And they couldn’t wait to share this with their family and with their Chastain family, too.</p>
<p>~•~•~•~•~•~</p>
<p>They had decided to space things out a little bit so it wouldn’t be an exhausting whirlwind of everybody finding out and asking the same questions over and over a million times in 24 hours, so a week after dinner with their fathers, they decided to host a little Chastain family get-together-for-drinks at that new place Conrad was raving about when Nic was still half-asleep the morning after their engagement was official. Coordinating schedules and shifts was difficult, but they had somehow managed, and everyone was there––Mina, AJ, Devon, Kit, and Randolph. The night started out easy and sweet, sharing laughs and drinks, but once Kit had one too many, she started losing her filter, asking about Nic and Conrad’s <em>real</em> intentions for gathering them all there. Their chests swelled with laughter at Kit’s observation, and they finally told them what the big news was.</p>
<p>“We just wanted you all to know, because you’re all a part of our family, that Nic and I are getting married!” Conrad exclaimed.</p>
<p>“Thank <em>God</em>, it’s about damn time!” Kit replied, scoffing teasingly. “I thought I was going to be a <em>great-</em>grandmother before you two finally made it official.”</p>
<p>And so they laughed some more, smiling and talking and teasing long into the night.</p>
<p>This was good. This was really good. It felt amazing to share this with all the people they loved. It sure had been a rocky road to get to where they all were right then, but in that moment, none of that mattered. There was only room for bliss and happiness and positivity. And it felt real damn good.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. soulmate</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>the wedding of the century!! here we go!!</p>
<p>I loved writing this chapter (: and I loved 04x01 (their real wedding LOL)</p>
<p>I can't wait for april 13th when the show comes back!!</p>
<p>hope y'all enjoy &lt;3</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Okay, since the service is outside, I was thinking instead of throwing rice, we could throw birdseed?” Nic asked as she brushed circles over her front teeth, her words jumbling together slightly.</p>
<p>“Environmentally conscious––I like it,” Conrad smirked, his charm still working 100% even when he, too, had a mouthful of toothpaste.</p>
<p>She chuckled, then furrowed her brow again as she went through her mental checklist of things they still needed to pin down for their wedding. “Oh––how do you feel about a buffet instead of a seated dinner?” she asked next.</p>
<p>He thought about it for a second, then replied, “I feel nothing. Defer.” He looked to her in the mirror, and she couldn’t help but smile.</p>
<p>Buffet it was. “Band or DJ?” she asked, shifting the toothbrush in her mouth.</p>
<p>“Up to you,” he shrugged.</p>
<p>“Oh my God, we’re bad at this,” she mumbled, and he leaned over and rubbed his nose against hers, making her blush and giggle. How after all this time he still managed to make her blush like a little schoolgirl––she has no idea. He was so damn charming and cute, and no matter how terrible they were at this, she still loved him all the same. “Okay, I’m going DJ,” she remarked, smiling a wide toothpaste-y smile.</p>
<p>“Alright,” he smiled back. God, he was cute.</p>
<p>“And I think I want burgundy flowers––dahlias and peonies,” she added, but he furrowed his brow.</p>
<p>“Really?” he asked before leaning forward to spit out his toothpaste.</p>
<p>Oh?</p>
<p>“I was hoping for blue wildflowers,” he continued, tilting his head to the side in the way that meant ‘I am referencing something, and you should get it.’ But oh boy, she was lost.</p>
<p>“You don’t care what music we play, and yet you have an opinion on the color of my bouquet?” she teased before spitting out the toothpaste, too.</p>
<p>“You know that first date we had, hiking at Sweetwater––do you remember the flowers I picked for you that day?” he asked, turning to face her.</p>
<p>“Blue wildflowers it is,” she replied with a smile, pressing her minty lips to his.</p>
<p>“Now,” he began, pulling away to look at her again, “whatever DJ you decide on, they have to play ‘Mr. Brightside.’ You asked!”</p>
<p>“Oh, come on now, I thought you had better taste than that,” she teased, bumping him with her hip and nearly in stitches from laughter.</p>
<p>“Mm, you’re about to be Mrs. Conrad Hawkins––we <em>both</em> should have better taste,” he chuckled.</p>
<p>“Oh, hold on,” she interrupted, “I’m pretty sure <em>you’re</em> about to be Mr. Nic Nevin.”</p>
<p>And yeah, she was right. He was so whipped.</p>
<p>Talking about their wedding while brushing their teeth on a Sunday morning, pinkies intertwined, dopey foamy toothpaste smiles, and happy hearts––there was absolutely nothing better. This was paradise.</p>
<p>“God, our kids would be such dorks,” he mumbled before spitting his toothpaste into the sink.</p>
<p>Her breath caught in her throat. <em>Our kids</em>. They had said they’d talk about it again when they were ready. And yes, they both had been thinking a lot about it recently––that happens when you’re thinking about your future, about spending the rest of your life with someone.</p>
<p>“Shit, wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean––” he said, standing up and realizing what had slipped out of his mouth. He stood straight up, turning to face her, his eyes slightly panicked.</p>
<p>“Hey,” she began, her heart pounding loud in her ears, placing her hands on his shoulders. She looked like she was about to say something, but she paused. “Hold on, let me get rid of this toothpaste before we have this conversation,” she giggled. Okay, she was happy. No panic from her. Good.</p>
<p>She rinsed out her mouth, and he did, too. Then they returned to stare at each other.</p>
<p>“Um, so––”</p>
<p>“Okay––”</p>
<p>They began at the same time. They laughed.</p>
<p>“You go first,” Conrad remarked, linking his fingers with hers.</p>
<p>She smiled a genuine smile. “I actually have been thinking about our future a lot recently,” she began, squeezing his hand just slightly, telling him that this was okay. That she wanted to be talking about this right now. “And especially recently, I’ve been thinking about, well, us having kids as a real possibility. Yes, I had a miscarriage. And it was awful. And I don’t know what I would do if I went through something like that again, but I do know that I would want to try again––if that is something you would want, too. I don’t want to put any kind of pressure––”</p>
<p>He couldn’t help himself––he just had to kiss her. There was something truly incredible about your future life partner telling you that they want to make new life with you. That they want to spend sleepless nights holding their little miracle. That they want to see what 50% of you and 50% of them would look like and how they would make their place in the world. That they want to teach that 50% them and 50% you how to read and write and sing their favorite songs and love and learn and then their little one would teach them new things. There was something so magical about talking about all of this after all they’d been through. That this was scary and difficult but that she still wanted it. So he kissed her because he couldn’t come up with the words, and he hoped his hands holding her so softly and his lips on hers and maybe the little tear that escaped, too, could tell her that he wanted it all, too. He wanted to have kids with Nic.</p>
<p>“No pressure,” he remarked when he finally pulled his lips away from hers, resting his forehead against hers so he could still be as close as possible and tell her what he wanted to. “I’ve been thinking about it, too. I would love to try again.” He lifted his forehead away from hers, leaving an inch separating their faces. “And for the record, you’d be the best mother ever.”</p>
<p>“And you’d be the best dad,” she smiled as he combed his fingers through her hair slowly. She pulled him in for a lingering embrace, feeling his warmth and imagining one or two little Hawkins-Nevin babies. Maybe they’d be blonde? Maybe they’d be brunettes? Oh, they’d have the most beautiful brown eyes––their little brown eyed girl, perhaps.</p>
<p>“You’re thinking about what our kids would look like, aren’t you?” he asked, his voice soft.</p>
<p>She blushed, pulling away from his embrace to look at him. How he knew her so well. She swore that he had a direct earpiece into her inner thoughts, sometimes. “Maybe,” she mumbled, slightly shoving his shoulders. “But you were, too, not too long ago,” she quipped, glancing at the two of them in the mirror.</p>
<p>Yeah, they’d make really adorable kids.</p>
<p>“Well, no baby-making until after this wedding. I have to fit into my mother’s dress, and Mina just altered it and there is no way she is going to add another stitch to it––apparently, she and that dress were at war. And the dress nearly won,” she added, smiling up at her future husband.</p>
<p>“No baby-making until after the wedding,” he chuckled, “and I am sure that every stitch is going to be worth it. I can’t wait to see you in that dress.” He kissed her cheek––she had the absolute cutest cheeks––and then her lips. “And seeing you walk down that aisle––you’re going to take my breath away.”</p>
<p>“Mm, and having you waiting for me at the end of it––all dressed up in your suit. We’re going to have such a gorgeous wedding,” she said softly before turning to kiss his cheek, just as he did to her.</p>
<p>“It will be a gorgeous wedding. I can’t wait.”</p>
<p>“Four more months.”</p>
<p>“Four more months.”</p>
<hr/>
<p>“Are you nervous?” Devon asked, fixing the corsage on Conrad’s navy suit as the groom-to-be stood with a completely goofy smile on his face.</p>
<p>“Nervous? Not a bit. I’ve never been happier. I’m about to marry my soulmate,” Conrad replied.</p>
<p>He wasn’t nervous. He knew he wanted to marry Nic from the moment they met. It sounds cheesy and all that, but after asking her out, he had realized he never had felt this way about another human being before. He was so desperately in love and couldn’t access it for the longest time, and it felt so good to finally be able to do so. To be able to celebrate such a lovely day with their closest friends and family. To commit in front of everyone to loving his future wife forever. He was happy. He was excited. He was ready.</p>
<p>In the other room of the cabin they had rented at their wedding venue, Mina was helping Nic get ready. “You’re not nervous, are you?” Mina teased as she watched Nic fiddle with her earrings.</p>
<p>“Mm, not one bit. I love Conrad, and I am so ready to marry him,” Nic replied, finally securing her earrings in place. Those earrings were Jessie’s. She remembers that she wore them the day she got out of rehab for the last time––they really matched her eyes, and Nic made sure to tell her little sister that. She remembers that she wore them also the day their mom died. Little Jessie and little Nic all huddled up and crying, those earrings pressed a mark into Nic’s face from her sister’s head after they had fallen asleep (passed out) from emotional exhaustion. Nic touches her cheek then to feel that memory. “I wish she was here,” she whispered, and Mina knew exactly what she was talking about.</p>
<p>“Hey, she is here,” Mina replied, walking towards Nic, watching the bride-to-be in the mirror. “She’s right here,” she added, placing her hand over Nic’s heart. She watched Nic melt into her touch and into those words, knowing very well that Mina was probably the only person she knew that understood what kind of loss she was feeling. But not only was there that loss. Yes, it was deeply tragic that her sister couldn’t stand by her and watch as she married the love of her life. But––though Jessie could never be replaced––she has another immensely important person by her side today. She has Mina. And she loves Mina. And today is a day of love. She loves Jessie and Mina and Conrad. And overall, though there is sadness and longing and wishing, Nic was happy. She was excited. She was ready.</p>
<p>Mina allowed her a little bit of privacy as Nic slipped on her mother’s old wedding dress that Mina had fixed up and altered here and there––making it stylish while keeping lots of the original elements. It looked positively stunning. She stared at herself in the mirror, looking at how much her life had been so changed by this amazing man she was about to marry. She couldn’t contain the smile that spread across her face, and she felt her heart swell with all the love and all the people that she knew would be smiling with her but weren’t physically there with her. Mom. Jessie. She placed her hands over her heart. They <em>were</em> there with her.</p>
<p>Just on the other side of the wall, Conrad was looking at himself in the mirror, too. Feeling the weight of some of his losses, as well––especially of his mother. His mother had told him when he was young that he had better hold onto a girl who could handle his antics. She would have loved Nic. Not only did she put up with his antics, she grounded him. She completed him. She challenged him, she trusted him, she taught him, and she loved him. She loved him, and he loved her, and he was no longer afraid to say it or scream it or show it, and goddamn, his mother would be so proud of him. He couldn’t contain the smile that spread across his face, and he felt his heart swell with all the love and all the people he knew would be smiling with him but weren’t physically there with him. They <em>were</em> there with him.</p>
<p>With one last deep breath, it was time for him to head out. Devon gave him a quick pat on the shoulder and nodded his head. <em>It was time</em>. Time to marry his soulmate.</p>
<p>The grass was green, the summer sun was bright and high in the sky, and the four small rows of chairs were filled with their closest friends and family. Marshall gave Conrad a quick wink before he took his place at the end of the aisle, standing next to Irving––their minister for the day, only official as of three hours ago from MakeMeAMinisterToday.com. So, they slipped on one little detail––they forgot the minister––but their Chastain family came to the rescue. Irving jumped at the chance to officiate the long-awaited Conrad and Nic wedding, so who were they to say no.</p>
<p>Nic interlaced her arm with her father’s, the sound of her racing heart the only thing in her ears. She faintly heard the music and felt the summer breeze comb through her elegant updo, but nothing could possibly compare to the excitement she felt brewing deep inside of her body.</p>
<p>“I love you,” Kyle said softly to his daughter, “and you look absolutely gorgeous. If your mother could see you like this––”</p>
<p>Nic smiled a soft smile in response, whispering “I know she would love it. I am so glad I get to share this moment with you. I love you, too.”</p>
<p>It took every ounce of strength for him to not cry right then, but when the music changed and Nic’s head snapped around to face forward, he couldn’t help but smile. His baby girl was getting married. Mina gave Nic a quick wink before she walked down the aisle and took her place next to the beautiful leafy-green altar.</p>
<p>Kyle guided Nic gently to the start of the aisle, and he could see how her breath was taken away by it all. Everyone turned around and stood, awaiting the beautiful bride to begin her walk towards her future husband. Her heart was thumping loud, but a massive grin spread across her face as her and Conrad’s eyes met for the first time.</p>
<p>Time stopped.</p>
<p>She blinked. Once. Twice.</p>
<p>And then her legs were moving her down the aisle, towards this amazing moment. She felt her father squeeze her hand slightly, and she was brought back to the present, noticing that she was only a few short feet away from taking her place. Her eyes had never left Conrad’s, and he looked like he was about to cry.</p>
<p>God, she was gorgeous. As soon as she turned the corner and he caught a glimpse of her, he was a goner. Her dress was stunning, but even more so was her smile. She looked truly happy. This was what true love looked and felt like. That moment right there was one that both of them would cherish and love and remember for the rest of their lives. It is not one that can easily be translated into or conveyed by words. There is just that specific feeling. And they both felt it for sure. Their eyes sparkled in unison. Their hearts beat the same. They were one, and that was incredible.</p>
<p>Kyle gave his daughter a kiss on the cheek before stepping aside, allowing both Nic and Conrad to grab the rings they would exchange. She then took his hands in hers, feeling like the luckiest person on the face of the earth.</p>
<p>He felt the same.</p>
<p>“Hi,” he remarked breathlessly.</p>
<p>“Hi,” she replied, the same.</p>
<p>They smiled and sighed. Everyone sat.</p>
<p>“Welcome to the long-awaited Conrad and Nic wedding!” Irving announced, and everyone laughed. Long-awaited indeed. Ever since anyone caught word of Nic and Conrad dating, they knew that this was a forever thing. It was so obvious how in-love they were. When the wedding invitations went out, they had received plenty of “it’s about time!” or “I can’t believe you guys weren’t married yet,” or “wedding of the century,” replies. This was truly meant to be.</p>
<p>“These two hold a very special place in all of our hearts, and I am honored to be officiating this union today. I believe Nic and Conrad have prepared some words of their own to share with us all today, so if you’re ready, go ahead and take it away!” Irving continued, his enthusiasm for this whole ordeal totally not concealed. He was giddy his friends were getting married.</p>
<p>Nic had nearly forgotten how to speak––words threatening to get stuck on the tip of her tongue. But Conrad gave her hands a quick squeeze, and his eyes told her that there was nothing to be nervous about. She smiled. He could read her mind.</p>
<p>She began, “tough times come––they always will––and when they do, Conrad, I want you by my side.”</p>
<p>“No matter what. In sickness and in health,” he continued, and she smiled again. God, he loved her.</p>
<p>“I promise to always have your back, no matter what. I promise to love you, but to never obey you,” she added. She was cheeky. It made him smile.</p>
<p>Everyone laughed, but neither of them could hear. They were in their own little world––just the two of them.</p>
<p>“I didn’t have my hopes up for that ‘obey’ part,” he chuckled, running his thumbs over the backs of her hands. She loved him. And she got to spend the rest of her life making him laugh.</p>
<p>“Mostly, I promise you’ll never lose me. This is forever,” she added, her tone turning more serious now. They had both lost so much, and this was something that they would never lose. No matter how hard they had tried, they always gravitated back to one another. This was their everything. This was forever.</p>
<p>“For as long as we both shall live,” he added, nodding, understanding the gravity of their statements. They were about to be united as one, and this was it. This was their everything. This was their forever. They are each other’s always.</p>
<p>He turned her soft hands over, holding out her wedding band, and he gently slipped it onto her finger right next to her engagement ring. It was a perfect fit. He couldn’t help but lift her hand up to his lips, kissing her knuckles as she giggled.</p>
<p>This was really happening.</p>
<p>Now it was her turn. She took his wedding band in her hands, feeling the metal of it with her fingers before taking his hand, rougher but still loving all the same, and placing the metal over his ring finger. She pushed the ring up until it was over his last knuckle, running her fingers over the new addition and smiling like a goddamn idiot. And he was, too.</p>
<p>This was really happening.</p>
<p>They held each other’s hands again. The new weight of their wedding bands there feeling so right.</p>
<p>This was really happening.</p>
<p>“Conrad Theodore Hawkins,” Irving began again. <em>Theodore</em>, yes Nic almost forgot how adorable his middle name was. “And Nicolette Marie Nevin,” Irving continued. <em>What a gorgeous name</em>, Conrad relished, thinking back to the day he had asked her to marry him––how all those syllables rolled off his tongue to produce the most beautiful sounds he had ever made. “It sounds to me like you take each other as lawfully wedded husband and wife,” Irving added.</p>
<p>They were so lost in each other––him in her chocolate orbs and her in his sweet brown irises––that they nearly forgot to say what came next. But they didn’t. “We do!” they both exclaimed in unison, again, smiling like dorks.</p>
<p>“Then, by the power vested in me by the city of Atlanta––and MakeMeAMinisterToday.com––I hereby declare it official. You may now enjoy your first kiss as husband and wife,” Irving concluded, but Nic and Conrad could hardly wait that long.</p>
<p>They probably made it to “you may now” before their lips were crashed together, and people stood and clapped. Everything seemed like it was moving in slow motion, the coming together of their bodies and lips, the noise from the small crowd that came to see the union of these two lovely people, and their processing of what was going on, but one thing was for sure––this was utterly perfect. He pulled away, but she just had to kiss him again. He laughed quietly, and soon enough they were both smiling and pressing their foreheads together in the way that they always did. This was their new union, but they were still the same Conrad and Nic. They were still the same dorks, but now, her last name was Nevin-Hawkins, they both wore new rings, and they had joint bank accounts. They were one, always, and now it was official.</p>
<p>This was happening.</p>
<p>“I love you,” she whispered, their foreheads still pressed together.</p>
<p>“I love you, too,” he replied, feeling his heart soar out of his chest.</p>
<p>This was happening.</p>
<p>They really got married.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Dinner was lovely, and the smiles never left either one of the newlyweds’ faces. They took photos, laughed, drank champagne, and danced. As the night had begun to die down and some of the guests began to head home for the night, Nic and Conrad found themselves leaning against one another, hands clasped together, tipsy smiles across their slightly flushed faces, and light little giggles and chuckles escaping their chests. They sat in two chairs, thanking their friends for coming to their celebration as they headed off, and when only their fathers, Devon, and Mina remained, they decided to call it a night.</p>
<p>“Not going to lie, and don’t get a big head for this, but this really was the wedding of the century,” Devon remarked, a little tipsy himself.</p>
<p>“Mistake, Dev,” Nic giggled, pulling her <em>husband</em> close to her. “He’ll bring that one up again and again,” she teased.</p>
<p>“Easy now,” Conrad remarked, chuckling himself. “Married for less than five hours and we already sound like we’ve been married for ten years,” he added.</p>
<p>“Conrad, <em>we got married</em>,” she replied, still shocked that all this happened today.</p>
<p>“Yes, we did,” he mirrored, kissing her temple before she turned her head and kissed him, her lips gliding over his.</p>
<p>She tasted like champagne and love, and he just wanted to take her home and make love to her––his <em>wife</em>. Everybody else seemed to get the hint, and when the two lovebirds finally pulled apart, Mina, Devon, and both of their dads were ready to bid them goodnight. They exchanged hugs and congratulations and “love you’s” before Nic and Conrad were dropped off at the front the cabin.</p>
<p>They stood at the door, watching the car with their closest friends and their family disappear around the corner, until they were completely alone with each other. There was no noise besides the sound of their own heartbeats.</p>
<p>“So,” she began, causing his eyes to drift down to hers.</p>
<p>“So,” he mirrored, his hands sliding down her spine, settling against her lower back.</p>
<p>“Are you ready to make an honest woman out of me?” she teased, wrapping her arms around his neck.</p>
<p>“You better believe it,” he practically whispered, pulling her in for a lingering kiss.</p>
<p>She loved kissing him. He was a really good kisser. He has always been a really good kisser, and even when she knew she wasn’t, he was patient with her. Slowing her down, speeding her up––but God, when she got it just right and he made that desperate little noise, it was fucking incredible.</p>
<p>He was soft, gently sucking on her bottom lip before shifting up to her top one, his hands joining in on the fun and slowly stroking her back up and down. She reached around to his front, loosening his tie just a bit, and he chuckled. “Got someplace to be?” he teased, noting how she was already trying to get him out of his clothes.</p>
<p>“Under you,” she replied, pulling the knot of his tie fully out, letting the two loose pieces free around his neck.</p>
<p>“Fuck, okay, inside we go,” he husked, unlocking the door and opening it before scooping her up and carrying her into the cabin. She squealed and giggled, pressing her lips to his cheek as he carried her inside. The cabin was cute and small, all on one level––a little kitchen, a fireplace, and two bedrooms. Those two separate spaces were nice when they were getting ready earlier that day, but now they laughed at that. Two bedrooms, <em>puh-lease</em>.</p>
<p>He set her down on the wood floor, allowing her a little time for her legs take her weight again, but he didn’t wait long before he pressed her up against the wall. “You ready for this?” he asked, staring deeply into her eyes and holding her gaze.</p>
<p>“I have never been so ready,” she replied, swinging her arms around Conrad’s shoulders. She pulled him even closer, closing all of the space between their bodies before flipping them around, pressing him to the wall and kissing him. They had waited all day for this, and their desires were built up to the point where they needed each other more than they needed oxygen. He dove his hands into her hair, freeing pieces from the bobby pins that held her golden locks in place. He tossed the pins onto the ground as he removed them, not caring about where they landed. He ran his fingers through her soft hair, massaging her scalp causing her to sigh and pull tighter onto him. Then, he flipped them around so she was against the wall, and he pressed his body against hers. They both realized they were both too fully dressed, and she began pushing his jacket off. He shrugged it fully off as she started to work on unbuttoning his shirt. Quickly, that came off, too. They both kicked off their shoes and he slid off his socks, making a point to leave them exactly where they were on the floor. Nic chuckled and rolled her eyes, but she didn’t let his lips go from the grip she had on them with hers. She grabbed his hands and guided him into one of the bedrooms, leaving a little trail of their clothes through the entire cabin.</p>
<p>“You know, as much as I love seeing you in this dress, I think right now it would look a lot better on the floor,” he whispered between kisses.</p>
<p>“I couldn’t agree more,” she replied in a low voice.</p>
<p>“God, you’re so sexy, Nic,” he growled.</p>
<p>“Mmh, you’re not so bad yourself,” she replied, pulling them closer together.</p>
<p>He continued kissing her, trailing kisses away from her lips and onto her jaw and collarbone as he unbuttoned the top part of her dress. “God, how many buttons do you have?” he asked, frustrated that the buttons kept coming as he went down her dress.</p>
<p>“Mmh, a lot,” she replied, teasing him, stroking his hair. “They were definitely more fashion than function in the 80’s,” she giggled, and he laughed at that, too.</p>
<p>Though that innocent laugh didn’t last long. His mind began to become clouded by lust as he finally found his way to the last button and slipped his hands beneath the lacy fabric of the dress. He slowly peeled it off of her, and she stepped out of it, leaving her standing there in a set of sexy white French lace matching bra and panties.</p>
<p>“Damn, Nic,” he growled. “Do you even understand what you do to me?”</p>
<p>“Mmh, I have a few guesses,” she replied, placing her hand on her hip. “But I want you to show me.”</p>
<p>She honestly could have said anything at that point, but those words were exactly what he needed to hear. He was already so turned on, but he just had to steal one more second looking at his beautiful wife standing before him. He gently placed his hands on her hips then cupped her ass as he started kissing her again. Their breathing quickened, and she grabbed his belt, tugging at it. He quickly got the message and helped her get it off. He pushed down his pants, bending his knees down, kissing her flat stomach and the line where her panties sat just below her bellybutton. Nic moaned softly at his lips trailing down, and she got goosebumps from his stubble tickling her body. He stood back up fully and stepped out of his pants, remaining in just his boxers. He grabbed her, twirling her around and placing her gently onto the mattress, maintaining their connection at the lips. He pushed her legs apart and placed himself between them.</p>
<p>“Nicolette Hawkins-Nevin, I love you so much,” he groaned as he rubbed his very obviously hard member against her. She was already wet, making him want her even more. He reached underneath her back and unclasped her lacy bra, dragging the straps off her arms with his teeth and tossing it away as if it were nothing. His eyes locked with hers in a powerful gaze, and they exchanged a thousand words through their eyes. He kissed her neck and collarbones, moving down her sternum to her breasts. She moaned as he sucked her nipple into his mouth, rolling it with his tongue. She grabbed his hair and tugged. He felt his eyes start to roll back in his head, but he maintained his focus on his wife. His hands dragged against her sides, and he hooked his thumbs around her panties. She lifted her hips up as he removed her panties from her, continuing to kiss her lower and lower. He kissed down her stomach, her hipbones, then her inner thighs. She was writhing in anticipation and tilted her head up to see her husband framed by her legs. He brought his head up to meet her gaze before giving her a devilish grin.</p>
<p>The next thing she knew, her head was thrown back as Conrad thrust his tongue into her core. Lapping and sucking, he made her gasp and whimper his name. She was overcome with sensations of pleasure, and his actions were starting to make her see stars. He stopped for a second and she looked confused as she brought her head up to see him looking at her. She was trying to catch her breath when he said “Fuck, you’re amazing. I love you so much.”</p>
<p>She smiled through labored breathing and relaxed back onto the bed, only to be surprised when Conrad thrust two fingers into her. She clenched the sheets and bucked her hips. Conrad placed his other hand on her hip to steady her. “Shh, Nic,” he whispered, inching close to her face. “Trust me, this will be worth it,” he said, kissing her swollen lips. He curled his fingers up inside her and she cried out. He moved his fingers in and out while kissing back down her neck. She whimpered and gasped and sighed at his movements and kisses. Her muscles clenched around his fingers and her clit was throbbing as he moved his thumb over it. He sucked under her jaw and quickened his movements with his hands, causing her to clench harder and breathe faster.</p>
<p>“Oh God, Conrad–– oh my–– oh please–– Conrad, please––” she whimpered and groaned, arching into him.</p>
<p>He moaned at her reaction to him and continued suckling her neck and curling his fingers. She finally gave in and let herself ride a wave of ecstasy and pleasure as her orgasm washed over her. Conrad had seen no more beautiful sight than when she threw her head back, screamed his name, and clawed at the sheets. Her body was completely out of her control. She felt her soul leave her physical body and enter a new realm of heavenly bliss. He brought her down slowly, trying to prolong her bliss as he found her lips with his and kissed her with much passion and love. He removed his fingers from her and liked her juices off of them. She felt her temperature rise watching him enjoy her. He loved her so incredibly much and couldn’t get enough of her. She was like a drug to him––no, she was like air to him. She was necessary for him to survive. Take her away for even more than a few seconds and he would suffocate.</p>
<p>Nic tried to catch her breath and come back down to earth after the mind-blowing orgasm Conrad gave her. She reached her hands up to Conrad’s face and brought him back down to her lips. Even with her muscles still trembling, she found the strength to flip them over so she was on top of him. Clearly taken aback by her maneuver, his eyes widened.</p>
<p>“Mm, Nic,” he started before she interrupted him with a rough kiss. He groaned as his hands found her hair again, tugging and mussing it. She ground herself onto him, feeling the fabric of his boxers against her skin. He let out a growl as he pulled on her hair a little harder.</p>
<p>His hands moved to her hips, pulling her onto him harder as his groans loudened. Her hands wandered down to his waistband, and she started pulling off his boxers, letting his cock spring free from its constraints.</p>
<p>“Nic––” he moaned, but she had already positioned herself onto him, sinking all the way down so their hips met. His breath hitched as she wiggled on him. She smirked as he started breathing heavier, his chest heaving up and down. She peppered kisses all over his chest as she began riding him. His groans loudened, and he reached around her and flipped them back over. She wrapped her legs around him, giving him fuller access, and he hit her deep. She felt her eyes rolling back in her head as both of them found their rhythm.</p>
<p>They felt so right with each other, and as their hips smacked faster, their reality began to slip away. There was an increasing pressure building up between where their bodies met, and they moaned into each other. Their bodies had a thin layer of sweat glistening in the dim light of the room, giving them angelic qualities as they pounded into each other. Nic arched into him and kept matching her rhythm to his ever-increasing pace. She squeezed him hard with every stroke, and she felt another wave of pleasure rushing over her. She clenched down on him again, and he felt himself stiffen. Every muscle in both of their bodies tensed as they came together.</p>
<p>He collapsed onto her, both of them struggling to breathe. He mustered up the strength to flip them over so he wouldn't crush her, and he began stroking her hair and kissing her head.</p>
<p>“Oh–– my–– God,” she breathed.</p>
<p>“Wow–– you–– are–– incredible,” he added, panting.</p>
<p>“Conrad––” she started before he kissed her again. They both moaned softly, still trying to find enough oxygen to breathe. “Conrad, I love you so much,” she finished, removing her lips from his.</p>
<p>He brushed pieces of messy golden hair away from her face and stared deeply into her eyes. “Nic, you are my whole world,” he said softly, gently stroking her hair.</p>
<p>They laid in a comfortable silence for a moment, Nic resting her head against Conrad’s chest and drawing little circles on his shoulder with her finger as he twirled a piece of her hair in his hand. Every so often, he would kiss her head or rub her shoulders, making her smile into his chest. This was love. This was happiness. She sighed as she thought of their past and their future, noting how much both of them have changed and grown and how grateful she was that they never gave up on each other. She couldn’t see a future if he wasn’t in it, and thankfully, she never would have to––they were united forever.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. margaritaville</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>been a while, but I've just gotta say that this season is freaking incredible! last night's episode?? my god!</p><p>I also had a break in the crazy of life, so I wrote another chapter for this. I promise I didn't forget about it!! I drafted the rest of the chapters, so they all should be out soon-ish! &lt;3</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Wow, I never want to go back,” Nic sighed as she laid stretched out under the Florida sun in her yellow bikini. She had actually gotten quite tan throughout the week, her creamy skin tinted a light caramel, and her hair was curly from the saltwater and humidity (and probably the sex, too).</p><p>“Too bad we have jobs,” Conrad teased, handing her one of the frozen margaritas he was holding before clinking their glasses together.</p><p>She sat up, lifting her sunglasses up to look at him—her <em>husband</em>. “Mm, no talking about work on our honeymoon,” she hummed, smiling a sun-drunk smile.</p><p>“Well, how about we talk about the work<em>out</em> you’re going to get when we make it back to our hotel,” he replied suggestively.</p><p>They had been going at it like bunnies ever since their wedding night. It’s not like they weren’t having sex before, but dear God it was like they just couldn’t get enough of each other. One of them would start off saying something innocent, then the next thing they knew, she was scratching her nails down his bare back and he was two fingers deep into her tight, wet heat. They felt like a couple of horny teens, but goodness did they savor it. They fucked hard and fast, and they made love slow and sweet.</p><p>The week had been fun, ‘wasting away in margarita-ville’ in beautiful Key West, and they just wanted to stay in their little love bubble for a little while longer. Their flight out to Atlanta back home was just three short days away, but they were determined to make the most of them—lazing around, snorkeling, hiking, having plenty of amazing sex, eating and drinking well, and oh, was having plenty of sex already mentioned?</p><p>She was surprised that he wanted to go again after they had just <em>thoroughly </em>fucked that morning. She was feeling rather sore, but once that thrum of arousal stirred up deep within her body, she didn’t feel the soreness anymore. Only the growing need.</p><p>“You in this swimsuit does things to me,” he added, placing his margarita-chilled hand on her thigh, making her tense at the difference in temperatures.</p><p>“Ah yes, figured that one out two days ago,” she remarked, sipping on her fruity drink and raising her eyebrows teasingly. It was an enticing outfit, and she knew it. The legs were high-cut, emphasizing the fact that her legs went on for miles, and the top was simple yet sexy, and he commented that it made her boobs look amazing. He was more of a leg guy, and with Nic’s legs he was certainly not complaining, but her tits in this swimsuit indeed <em>did things</em> to him.</p><p>“Mm, I remember,” he husked. “We could hardly make it to our hotel room. I thought I was going to have to fuck you in the elevator.”</p><p>“You do know someone could hear you, right?” she teased, leaning towards him and smirking.</p><p>“Let them hear. I absolutely love my <em>wife</em>,” he replied, stressing the word <em>wife</em>. He then leaned forward and closed the distance between them, kissing her and tasting the heat of her lips mixed with the cool of her tongue from her blended drink.</p><p>“Mm, and I absolutely love my <em>husband</em>,” she mirrored, mumbling the words into his lips before he devoured them.</p><p>They made out lazily on the beach—tongues gliding together, sharing the same breath, getting lost in one another—until they had to pull away so as to not give everyone more of a show than they already had been receiving.</p><p>“I think it’s time to go up to our room,” she whispered against his cheek, feeling the heat radiate from his skin.</p><p>He covered her hand with his, interlacing their fingers, and she sat up. “As much as I would really love that, maybe we should stay down here a little longer and <em>actually</em> watch one of these sunsets. We’ve been here for a week already, and we’ve missed it every night. We’ll have plenty of time for <em>all that</em> later tonight,” he suggested softly, his thumb stroking the back of her hand.</p><p>“You’re right, we have been kind of preoccupied recently,” she said before giggling, and he chuckled along with her. “Walk with me?” she added, standing up and dragging him to stand, too.</p><p>“You’re gorgeous,” he remarked, his gaze traveling down her body slowly, making her feel so sexy and so loved by him. He tightened his grip on her hand momentarily, running his fingers over her two rings she wore on her left hand, before his eyes found hers again. “I love you,” he added.</p><p>She smiled, her cheeks growing warmer by the second. “I love you, too,” she replied before tugging him closer to her, pressing his hot, hard body against hers. She wrapped her arms around his neck while his settled low on her hips. The sun was already beginning to fall lower in the sky, and she pressed a lingering kiss to his lips before they started walking the beach, hand-in-hand and heart-in-heart. She loved the way his hand felt in hers, but she loved it even more with the added weight of his wedding ring he now wore.</p><p>The sound of the waves crashing against the shore were drowned out by the sound of their heartbeats. Her hair blew around in the salty evening breeze, and under the golden light of the sun, she looked utterly gorgeous. The golden flecks in her chocolate brown eyes shone bright, and her smooth skin perfectly refracted the sun’s rays, giving her a goddess-like aura. She looked perfect. But all that didn’t even compare to the smile that adorned her face—she was simply glowing with happiness and love.</p><p>And he looked sun-kissed and Nic-kissed, and margarita-drunk and love-drunk. She loved her carefree Conrad. His tanned, toned figure looked positively delicious in the sunset light, and his hair was spiky and wild from the sea (and quite possibly also from her tight grip around his sandy brown strands earlier). She loved running her fingers down his warm, ridged abdomen, feeling each one of his muscles flex under her touch. He’d kept his beard relatively short throughout the trip, helping minimize burns between her legs from his face there, and she appreciated the thoughtfulness.</p><p>They’d mostly forgone all clothes, and when they did wear them, it was pretty much the bare minimum. She thinks he hasn’t worn a shirt since they stepped off the airplane, and hell, she wasn’t complaining one bit. She certainly wasn’t complaining the other night when they had to cut dinner short so she could get him back to the hotel and tear him out of his board shorts, finishing their dessert <em>on</em> him. He would never be able to think of tiramisu again without imagining her licking it off his body.</p><p>He also loved her in the (more than slightly) skimpy bathing suits she wore—this yellow one being his particular favorite (<em>surely not</em> <em>at all </em>correlated with the fact that it certainly had the least fabric comprising it of all three suits she brought). She also had this red one-piece suit that dipped low in the front which he also loved—and almost destroyed trying to get her out of it as quickly as possible. And the third suit she brought was a simple (yet sexy) black two-piece with a strapless top and side-tie bottoms. He liked that one a lot, too—<em>very</em> easy access.</p><p>As the sun dipped even lower below the horizon, they were bathed in a sea of rich golden and pink light. The white sand reflected the colors of the sky, and the water looked like glass, stilling along with the breeze. The waves were small on the shore, and the two newlyweds found themselves walking along the beach with their feet in the warm water.</p><p>“You know, we could take the full week off this week, too,” he suggested, breaking the trance she had been in.</p><p>She paused to consider it. Extending the hotel would be simple, moving their plane tickets wouldn’t be too hard as well, and they had already planned to take two weeks off from work, so they wouldn’t need to do anything else for that. Sure, they’d have to shuffle around a dinner with their dads, but it was their honeymoon—they’re sure they’d understand.</p><p>“I think we should,” she replied, pausing her walking and waiting for him to turn around.</p><p>“Wait, are you serious?” he asked in slight shock.</p><p>“As a heart attack,” she replied, smiling like a goof.</p><p>“You have got to stop saying that, you sound like my uncle,” he teased, placing his hands on her hips—a place she has completely accepted as completely normal. Yes, they are <em>that couple</em> who absolutely cannot keep their hands off each other.</p><p>She raised her eyebrows. “On second thought…” she began.</p><p>“No no, wait—” he interrupted.</p><p>“Mm, that’s what I thought,” she teased, sliding her hands down his flanks. She smiled wide and he did, too. “I’ll call the airline.”</p><p>“And I’ll call the hotel.”</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>“I love you, too.”</p><p>He took her hands from where they rested on his body and started walking her into the water. “We can do that tomorrow— there’s something else I want to do right now,” he husked, guiding her further into the water.</p><p>“Oh? And what would that be?” she teased, linking her arms around his neck.</p><p>“You,” he whispered against her lips before he pressed a bruising kiss to her. His hands scooped under her ass, coaxing her legs to wrap around his waist. She tasted like the sea and strawberry margaritas and love, and he groaned at that taste—<em>perfection</em>.</p><p>“Oh?” she giggled, “here?” It was scandalous, but they did have the entire beach to themselves. She glanced behind her, noticing the empty scene as well as how the sun was beginning to dip fully below the horizon.</p><p>“Nothing to risqué, just a little fun,” he chuckled, kissing down her neck. “That okay?” he asked, pausing a moment to check in with her.</p><p>“Oh, don’t stop,” she replied, guiding his head back down to her neck.</p><p>“Mm, as if I’d ever want to,” he mumbled before he returned to sucking on her neck. His hands lifted slightly against her back, sliding up and down her smooth skin.</p><p>She felt as though she was floating in a bubble of bliss. The water around both of their bodies made them feel weightless, completely immersed in their love for each other. Her hair was wet and curled down her back, her golden waves heavy with sea water, but she didn’t care. Her skin was still boiling from the hot evening sun, and she loved the feel of the cooler nighttime breeze over her flesh.</p><p>He lifted her higher, pulling more of her torso out of the water, and he kissed the tops of her breasts. Her hands made their way from his neck into his hair, and she combed her fingers through his short brown strands, making him hum against her skin. God, she loved making him moan.</p><p>His fingers dipped down below the thin straps of her bikini bottoms as he continued kissing her chest, until one of his hands slipped between the fronts of her legs, gently teasing at her seam. She moaned, tightening her fingers in his hair and rolling her hips, seeking more contact and pressure.</p><p>“Fuck, Nic, you’re so sexy,” he growled as he nipped his way back up to her neck, sucking and nibbling a light mark there.</p><p>“Mm, you’re not so bad yourself,” she mewled, sliding her body back down and clasping his face in her hands. She kissed him like he was more important than all the oxygen in the world, intertwining her tongue with his.</p><p>“Do you want to come right here?” he mumbled against her lips, running his fingers against her clit and over her entrance.</p><p>“Right here, right now?” she asked, breathless and wild-eyed.</p><p>“If you want,” he husked, smiling at her, making sure she really wanted to go through with this.</p><p>“Yes,” she breathed, her eyes fluttering closed in anticipation.</p><p>A rush of fresh arousal saturated his body, and he began rubbing more deliberate circles around her clit. She was moaning and he was breathing hard, and both of them were being driven absolutely mad. She had never had sex anywhere besides a bedroom, so this was pretty out there for her. And not going to lie, it turned her on quite a lot. By now, they were plunged into near darkness, and all they could see were the faint moonlit outlines of each other’s bodies. She writhed and sighed and quietly moaned “there” and “yes” and “harder” and “more,” and she was totally a goner for him.</p><p>Once she felt her buildup coming, she couldn’t stop it––feeling the wave of pleasure crest over her and take her entire mind and body with it as she rode out her ecstasy. He always knew how to touch her in ways that drove her absolutely insane. She came with her fists clenching his hair, her jaw slack, her breath strangled, and her legs tight around his waist.</p><p>When she was finally able to breathe, she relaxed a bit, sliding down his body so her feet were against the soft sand below them. He tilted her chin up as she continued panting, gazing into her gorgeous eyes shimmering in the moonlight, radiating pleasure and happiness. “That was hot,” she breathed, meeting his eyes with hers.</p><p>“Yeah it was,” he affirmed, his voice low with arousal and desire.</p><p>“You’re amazing,” she added, kissing him softly before pulling away to repeat it again, “you’re really friggin amazing.”</p><p>“God, you’re gorgeous,” he remarked, and she blushed. “And I still can’t believe I’m so damn lucky I get to spend the rest of my life with you,” he added, holding her body close to his so they were completely touching—not a millimeter of space was between them.</p><p>“Same goes to you, my <em>husband</em>,” she replied, kissing the corner of the smile that spread across his face at the word “husband.” “Now, I think it’s time we get back to the hotel so we can finish what we started,” she added, her voice low as she walked her fingers up his shoulder to his cheek.</p><p>“Mhmm, yeah, I agree,” he replied, squeezing her waist as he blew out a deep breath.</p><p>“Well then, let’s go,” she stated, turning around and beginning to walk out of the water. He stood there a moment, just watching her, until she was on the shore and she turned back around. She was glowing in the moonlight, and he swore that he married a goddess. “You coming?” she teased, knowing that he was staring.</p><p>“I will be soon, I know,” he replied––cheeky––as he began to follow her out of the water.</p><p>And coming, <em>hard</em>, he was as soon as she practically threw him onto their bed and climbed over him. He dug his fingers into her naked ass as she rode him, and he closed his eyes and let the pleasure take over. She fanned her hands over his chest, circling her fingers around the tattoo he had over his heart, feeling the muscles there twitch against her touch.</p><p>He really was very pretty––his face was gorgeous, his jawline sharp, his eyes were sweet and loving and also hot, and good God his entire toned body––and she loved running her fingers over all of his features.</p><p>He was laying there, panting still, and she was on top of him, straddling him still, both naked and sated and happy. She started kissing him all over, leaving featherlight kisses over his cheeks, nose, lips, eyelids—everywhere.</p><p>He chuckled, his hands gently moving over her lower back, as he mumbled, “what are you doing?”</p><p>“Mm, kissing you,” she replied matter-of-factly. She continued her journey of her lips over his skin, moving down to his jaw, kissing him softly under his jaw and below his ear before moving to the other side.</p><p>“I can see that,” he teased, and he felt her smile against his skin.</p><p>She lifted her head for a second, meeting his eyes with hers, and she placed another kiss on his nose. “Close your eyes,” she whispered, and he obeyed. She smiled and gave him a lingering kiss on his lips before shifting back down and returning to where she was before, kissing down his jaw and now down his neck. She kissed his collarbones and sternum, and she smiled as she felt his heartbeat under her lips. She moved her palm over his heart to continue feeling the rhythm of his heartbeat as her lips moved over to his shoulder. She then moved her hand down to his, interlacing her fingers with his and kissing each one of them, lingering a bit over his ring finger with his wedding band. He smiled, and she did, too. She placed his hand back down to his side and returned her lips to his chest and now moving lower down his abdomen. She kissed each one of his defined abdominal muscles, feeling them flutter beneath her soft touch. His hands blindly reached for her, tangling his fingers in her hair, and she smiled at that.</p><p>“This is really nice, Nic,” he husked, his eyes still closed as she swept her lips around and down the cut ‘V’ shape of his abdomen.</p><p>She simply hummed in response, continuing her task and moving even lower now, beginning to kiss down to his hipbones. He began to breathe a little harder, and she could feel his pulse against his hips. She loved him all naked and happy and <em>hers</em>, so she slid back up his body and crashed her lips against his, pressing the full length of her body over his. She really freaking loved him, and she just needed a minute to bask in the wonderful glory that she gets to spend the rest of her life with him.</p><p>He opened his eyes then, looking at the love of his life, and he pulled her close, turning them over onto their sides. “Mm, that was incredible,” he remarked softly, kissing her again and fitting his leg between hers.</p><p>“Mhmm,” she hummed in agreement, nuzzling her face into his chest. She thought there was no way they could fall asleep like that, all breathing the same breath and as close as possible to each other, but they did. Sleep found them, and when she woke, she hadn’t moved but the sun was streaming into their room from the window they forgot to close.</p><p>She looked at him—the golden morning sun soaking into his skin—and she sighed happily. This was her life now. She glanced down at her rings, then over to his, and she couldn’t help but giggle.</p><p>“Mm, you’re up early,” he said, his voice gravelly from sleep.</p><p>“Mm, you are, too,” she replied, interlacing their fingers together and smiling wide.</p><p>“What are you all smiley and giggly about?” he teased, a sleepy smile spreading across his face, too.</p><p>“Just thinking about us—you know, again how this is all real. How this is our life. It just makes me really happy,” she remarked, squeezing his hand just a bit to emphasize. Her tired morning brain couldn’t put that as eloquently as she had hoped, but judging by the sparkle in his eyes and the even wider smile on his face, she thinks he got the message.</p><p>“This is real,” he began, “and it makes me really happy, too.” He pulled her in and kissed her, his soft lips gently gliding over hers. Even though they were kinda gross from last night—having passed out in bed before they could get to the shower—she still couldn’t get enough of him. And the feeling was mutual.</p><p>But breakfast sounded splendid, and his stomach growled as if he could read her very thoughts of breakfast. “To be continued,” she stated, pressing one last kiss to his lips before she began to shuffle out of bed. She stretched her sore muscles, extending all of her limbs in every which way, and he smirked. He fell back onto the pillows and watched her. Yeah, his wife was hot as fuck. And he totally had it bad for her.</p><p>“Somebody is tuckered out,” she teased, tying her hair in a messy knot before she glanced back over her shoulder to see her husband laying in bed with the ghost of a smile over his lips and his eyes closed. God, he looked adorable.</p><p>He hummed in response, the smile growing a little wider, but his eyes still remaining closed. “I married an absolute fucking goddess,” he mumbled, “an insatiable, incorrigible goddess.”</p><p>She walked towards him, one of his t-shirts hung loosely over her slender frame, and swatted at his shoulder playfully. “Hey now, I was going to make you breakfast and bring it to you, but now I think I’m just going to make myself some and you can go make yours later,” she teased.</p><p>His eyes flung open, and he sat up immediately. “Oh no, wait, I promise to be good,” he pleaded.</p><p>“Ooh, begging already?” she teased again, drawing him in close to her but stopping him before he could fully close the space and kiss her. “Go brush your teeth, and I’ll make us some eggs,” she giggled, unable to hold up her stern in-control act any longer while he was so cute and freshly woken up and slightly, sexily disheveled.</p><p>“I love you,” he replied, kissing her cheek, leaving a warm imprint of his lips there, before dashing off to the bathroom—wearing absolutely nothing—and brushing his teeth.</p><p>She giggled and started making their breakfast. As soon as he came out of the bathroom, he got his phone out to make a call to the hotel to extend their stay. She smiled, watching him beaming with happiness as she served him beautifully done sunny-side-up eggs. She served herself next, calling the airline as soon as he finished his call to the hotel. Everything was finalized.</p><p>“Now we just have to move that dinner with our dads,” Conrad remarked, scooping up the last bits of egg off of his plate.</p><p>“Actually, I was thinking we should make another call after we talk to our dads,” Nic replied, diligently cutting her egg and spreading the slightly-runny yolk around the whites.</p><p>“Who do you want to call?” he asked, not having the slightest idea of what she was talking about.</p><p>“My doctor,” she responded, eliciting a concerned loon from her husband. “Conrad, do you remember the day we planned our wedding in our bathroom?” she asked.</p><p>“Of course, I— wait,” he replied, initially unsure of where this was going, but then it all became clear. “You want to find out if we can have kids?”</p><p>“I do,” she beamed, “we both want to start a family. Why not find out now?” she asked. She wanted to know, even if a little voice inside her was telling her that she didn’t want to know because the results could say that she’d never be able to carry or conceive a child. She wanted to know.</p><p>“This is a big deal,” he remarked quietly, “and there’s no rush—”</p><p>“I know,” she interrupted softly. “But I’ve been thinking about this since, well, a long time, but almost every day since we talked about it that morning almost half a year ago now.”</p><p>“I have, too, you know,” he added, excitement and nervousness bubbling over inside of him.</p><p>“Well then, when we get back to Atlanta, I might just have to get a couple blood tests,” she stated, standing up from her stool and walking towards him, placing her arms around his neck.</p><p>“Mm,” he hummed wrapping his arms around her hips before dipping his hands underneath the hem of her (his) t-shirt and making her eyes flutter closed.</p><p>Both of them were charged with an unfamiliar energy, spirits lifted by the possibilities that could lay before them, but even now, they were happy. They were happy because they were together, and nothing could change that. Even if they found out they couldn’t have kids, they’d still have each other as their family. And who knows, they could always adopt or foster. Some way, somehow, they’d find a way. They always did.</p><p>Luckily for them, just a few quick tests would determine that fate. All they had to do was wait.</p>
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<a name="section0028"><h2>28. that thing and that shirt</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>next chapter! I promised y'all these would be going up fast ;)</p><p>hope you enjoy!! (sorry, lots of dialogue, but still fun I hope!)</p>
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    <p>“So, um, about that thing…” Nic began, trailing off until her husband’s eyes met hers.</p><p>“What thing?” Conrad asked, having absolutely zero clue what in the heck she was talking about.</p><p>“That <em>thing</em>,” she repeated, raising her eyebrows and leaning in towards him.</p><p>“What— oh,” he remarked, finally getting her message. <em>That</em> thing. “You want to talk about that… here?”</p><p>“Well, I mean, I just got an email with my results so—” she began only to be immediately cut off.</p><p>“Oh yes okay, come here,” he quickly interjected, grabbing her arms and maneuvering her into the nearest storage closet.</p><p>“Someone’s eager,” she teased, leaning forward to press a kiss to his lips. But something was hesitant.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” he asked her, feeling her holding something back even though he could hardly see her in the dim light of the closet.</p><p>“Well, I— it’s possible that— well— we might not actually be able— <em>I</em> might not be able— ugh, this is hard. Part of me wants to know—<em>needs</em> to know. But the other part is afraid. Completely terrified,” she stumbled and stuttered, trying to find the right words.</p><p>“Hey,” he said softly, placing his hands on her cheeks, “I know it’s scary. But Nic, no matter what those results say, I love you unconditionally. I’ll love you now and forever. I made a promise to you, and I know that this could never break it—nothing can. If you’re not ready, we can wait. I am here for you wherever your headspace is right. Now and always, okay?”</p><p>She nodded, stepping into his space and allowing him to wrap his arms around her body, his warmth spreading throughout her—carrying his words and sentiments and promise. “Okay, I’m ready,” she breathed against his cheek, her heart thumping loudly in her chest.</p><p>“Okay,” he replied, his whisper matching hers.</p><p>She pulled away slightly from his hug, still staying in the comfort of his arms, as she clicked on the email which would hold an important definition of their future: whether Nic could safely carry a child.</p><p>The message loaded, and Nic looked away—she couldn’t bare to be heartbroken. But when she glanced at Conrad and saw his face break out into a massive smile, she looked down at the chart and saw what he saw.</p><p>“We—” she began, “we can try again.”</p><p>“We can try again,” he mirrored, beaming with excitement.</p><p>“Oh my God,” she whispered, feeling tears threatening to spill from her eyes before she lunched herself into Conrad’s arms once again. “We can try again,” she repeated into his neck as he hummed. “Conrad, we could have a baby!”</p><hr/><p>“So, we’re pulling the goalie?” Conrad asked later that night as they were settling into bed, making his wife pause as she slipped under their sheets.</p><p>“No more pills, no more condoms––woah,” she replied, resuming movement so she could turn off her bedside lamp.</p><p>“Damn,” he exhaled, reaching over to his side to do the same, plunging the two of them into complete darkness.</p><p>“So––” she started, unsure of what she actually wanted to say next.</p><p>“Okay––” he began after her, trying to fill the awkward stretches of silence.</p><p>“Jesus, why is this so weird,” she giggled in response, reaching over to turn the light back on.</p><p>“I have no idea, but I’m glad you’re feeling it, too. Like, it’s not just me,” he exhaled, and she watched his goofy smile take over his features.</p><p>“Not going to lie, my mind did drift off a little bit,” she added, her voice dropping just a hint lower, and he certainly caught on.</p><p>“Oh? Care to share?” he teased, gently placing his hand on her hip and pulling her body towards his, slowly.</p><p>“Thinking about how we’re going to get pregnant,” she replied.</p><p>“How? Four years of nursing school and you still don’t know how this works?” he teased.</p><p>She rolled her eyes playfully, and he chuckled. “You know I’m a visual, hands-on learner. How about you show me, then?” she teased right back.</p><p>“You want to do this right now?” he asked, feeling a little nervous.</p><p>“Most likely nothing is going to happen since I just started to taper off my birth control three days ago––for before my appointment––but…” she trailed off, reaching forward to run her fingers through his sandy blonde hair.</p><p>“But… we can still have sex just ‘cause,” he replied cheekily.</p><p>“Mhmm, just ‘cause,” she giggled, finally closing the space between them with a hot and almost desperate kiss.</p><p>…</p><p>“Hi,” he exhaled.</p><p>“Hi,” she mirrored.</p><p>“Well, that was amazing,” he remarked, combing his fingers through his hair, nervously hoping she felt as good as she just made him feel.</p><p>“Oh God, so good,” she replied, her eyes sparkling. “Still feels good,” she added, and he cocked an eyebrow up at her. But he couldn’t make any cheeky comment—he was far too blasted. “Can you imagine if we got pregnant on “just ‘cause’ sex?” she giggled, turning her head towards him because the muscles in her body were still on cloud 9.</p><p>“Well, that would be one hell of a story to tell at her wedding,” he chuckled in response.</p><p>“Her?” she questioned, shuffling so she was laying on top of his chest, her fingers drawing haphazard patterns on the now-cooling skin underneath his collarbones.</p><p>“Well, I guess <em>them</em>,” he corrected quickly, blushing slightly.</p><p>It was now Nic’s turn to cock an eyebrow at him.</p><p>“I don’t know, I just think having a little mini you running around would be the best thing ever,” he continued with a warm smile. “But honestly, we’re going to make really cute kids regardless. You’re adorable,” he added, bopping her on the nose.</p><p>“I love you,” she exhaled through her massive smile, scrunching up her nose playfully at his touch. “And you’re right, we will make really cute kids.”</p><p>“Can you picture a little nursery with your little elephant stuffed animal from when you were a baby?” he asked quietly, shifting the tone of the conversation slightly from playful to more poignant.</p><p>“I loved that little elephant,” she remarked, remembering her and Jessie fighting over it as kids and tearing one of the legs off before their mom came in and wouldn’t let either one of them have it until they came up with a plan for how they were going to share. They decided on a weekly schedule, marking the little calendar on the refrigerator in their childhood kitchen when Jessie or Nic had the stuffed animal. Then once they presented their solution, their mom gave them the elephant back, leg sewn on and all. They loved that elephant, and Nic still had it to this day—on the top shelf of her and Conrad’s closet. “And I hope our baby will, too,” she added, glancing up into her husband’s sparkling eyes.</p><p>“You are going to be the best mother ever,” he stated as he began gently combing his fingers through her golden curls.</p><p>She closed her eyes and rested her head on his chest, listening to his soothing, rhythmic heartbeat. “And you’re going to be the best dad,” she replied quietly into his chest. She swore she could feel the warmth spread inside of him at that. Conrad Hawkins: a dad. Precious.</p><p>They fell asleep that night with many thoughts whirling around in their heads and smiles on their faces for what the future could hold for them. It was exciting, but again, they didn’t want to get their hopes up too early. They had options and they were both still young and very healthy. Things were looking good for them, so they didn’t want to put any stress or timing or anything like that on this process. They opted for the “whatever happens happens” strategy, forgoing birth control but not planning sex around calendars. And they were enjoying it (honestly, in all the years that they’d been having sex together, these were some of all-time best).</p><p>It had been around six weeks into their new regimen when they bought their first pregnancy test. She had been feeling a little off, but it was probably nerves from preparing for the conference in nearly two months and just general stress from work. She also definitely caught something from the dude who sneezed on her about 900 times in the ED, so she wasn’t feeling her best.</p><p>“Okay, here we go,” Nic whispered calmly, standing up from where both she and Conrad were sitting on their bathroom floor.</p><p>“Okay,” Conrad exhaled.</p><p>She turned over the little plastic stick that had been laying on their counter for the past two minutes, and she saw one faint pink stripe.</p><p>Negative.</p><p>She turned to look at her husband and said quietly, “not this time.”</p><p>He stood and wrapped his arms around her, pressing his warmth into her, and she felt it. “That’s completely okay,” he replied softly against the side of her head, leaving a lingering kiss on her temple, “hey.”</p><p>She pulled her head back to look at him.</p><p>“I love you, you know,” he continued, looking at her like she had put the stars in the sky herself.</p><p>“And I love you. I love you so much, and I am so lucky to have you,” she replied, matching his tone.</p><p>They reflected on that day as well as this entire journey so far as the conference date approached—given that this conference was pretty much the instigator of their relationship again—taking the time to quietly and individually think through these past two years and the past couple months.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>FLASHBACK TO GETTING READY FOR THE CONFERENCE TWO YEARS AGO</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Nic heard three soft knocks at her front door, and her heart dropped into her stomach. She had just showered and settled into a comfortable oversized sweater and pajama shorts. She made her way to her front door, dragging her socked feet across her wooden floor, and looked through the window to see him standing there. A huge grin was plastered across his face, and she couldn’t help but smile, too. God, she loved his smile. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Conrad?” she asked, a little breathless, as she opened the door. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Is everything okay?” she asked, worried.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes, everything is good,” he replied. That’s when she noticed he was really fucking cold. It was snowing after all, and the wet jacket coupled with the windchill and lack of gloves probably left him insanely cold. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Conrad, it’s freezing! Get in here,” she scolded, practically dragging him inside.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The touch sent shivers down both of their bodies. But not just from the cold. She shut the door before her brain caught up with what she had just done. Conrad Hawkins was standing in her house. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The last time he was here, she was laying on her sofa, a smattering of different pills across the coffee table, and she was cuddling a blanket as she cried. It was New Year’s Eve of last year. And she was having a miscarriage. We will get through this, he said that day, holding her hand as she cried. But they didn’t. They didn’t make it through. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Conrad must have been having similar thoughts, as his entire face seemed to be drained of color as his gaze fell upon her sofa. “Nic…” he began.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Conrad, it’s okay,” she replied, her voice soft and sweet as she placed her hand on his shoulder again like she had done the other day. She wants this to be normal. She wants to be able to touch him like she used to. But she can’t. But now, she doesn’t even know why. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He shivered, this time from the cold, and Nic noticed. “My God, you must be freezing. You know, you really are a dumbass sometimes. What on earth was so important you couldn’t just call me? You just had to bike through the snow! Which is now falling like a bitch, by the way. You could have gotten hurt! You––” she ranted, throwing her arms up and scrunching her nose up. And God, even though she was angry with him, he loved it. He couldn’t help but smile. “Wipe that stupid grin off your face right now, Hawkins,” she said firmly, pointing a finger at him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He crossed his arms and let out a deep laugh, making her anger falter. Shit. Ignore it. “I’m going to make you some tea, dumbass. And take that wet jacket off so you don’t get hypothermia,” she added before disappearing around the corner into her kitchen. “And when you’re no longer a freezing idiot, you’re going to tell me why you came over,” she added, her voice carrying through the house. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Conrad sighed, feeling warmth spreading inside of him. And it was not just from stepping into her house and out of the cold––it was because of her. He shed his jacket, kicked off his shoes and socks, and stood in her entryway, not sure whether it was okay for him to come in further. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>As if she could read his mind, her voice emerged from the kitchen again, “don’t just stand there, silly. Come here,” she said, her voice sickly sweet. He walked into the kitchen and leaned over her counter as he watched her at the stove. She took the kettle off the flame and filled two cups with hot water. She didn’t even have to ask what he wanted. She just knew. He wasn’t a big fan of tea, but there was something about the way that she made it that just made it better. He isn’t quite sure if it was the ratio of spices or just her that made it so good (he thinks the latter). She swayed her hips ever so slightly, and it was extremely difficult for Conrad to maintain his innocent and good intentions that he came over with. All he wanted was to hold her and tell her that she was beautiful. He wanted to kiss her and pull that sweater over her head. He craved the feel of her skin under his fingertips. He had a Nic-shaped hole in his heart, and seeing her like this just made him realize how prominent that hole was.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She turned around, and her eyes met his. She gazed over him momentarily, taking in the sight that was before her. His hair was disheveled from his helmet, his shirt clung close to his skin because it was damp from getting soaked through his jacket, and his cheeks were a little rosy from the drastic change in temperature from outside to inside her house. She set one of the cups she was holding down in front of him and gripped the other tight with both of her hands so she wouldn’t reach out and touch him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Thank you, Nic,” he said through an exhale as he placed his hands around the cup to warm them.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She smiled at him, conveying her admiration through her chocolatey eyes. “Now, are you going to tell me why you decided to be the dumbest person of the day?” she teased.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hey now,” he began, his voice dangerously low, “I come with good news. News that I couldn’t share or explain over the phone.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This piqued her curiosity. “Oh yeah? What happened?” she asked, leaning her elbows onto the counter, bringing her whole body closer to him. Close enough to push against the boundary of friends and more. The tension between them could be felt for miles. But they can’t.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>He cleared his throat, trying to push the dirty thoughts that kept creeping up into his mind away. “Remember that conference?” he began. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She leaned away. “Yes,” she said, her expression hardening.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re coming with me,” he stated, a smile spreading across his face. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her attempted-concealed anger was replaced quickly with a flash of hope, then confusion. “What are you––” she began.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s about time that nurses and other medical staff start getting some respect for all they do. And what’s better than starting with one of the very best?” he said, so much admiration in his voice. Then there was that little flash of something in his eyes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She finally figured out what it was. Love. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She was speechless. “You’re serious?” she whispered, covering her mouth with her hand as a smile took over her entire expression.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Very,” he replied, matching her sentiment of excitement.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh my God!” she exclaimed, rushing to the other side of the counter to wrap her arms around him. Before her brain could tell her no, her arms were around his shoulders and his were around her waist, and they were holding each other, breathing each other in and relishing in their shared excitement. She could feel his heartbeat, and God, she doesn’t know of a better feeling than his heart against hers. They hold each other longer than friends should. Longer than they should. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Holding her felt so good. It felt so right. He knew he loved her, but this just proved everything. This was right. This was everything. Such a simple gesture meant everything. She means everything. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They pull away, arms still around each other, and they gaze into each other’s eyes. And they see so many of their moments they still treasure and love. Friends don’t look at each other like this. The look in his eyes right now matched the look he gave her right before their first time. She was thinking then that it was love. And now she was certain it was. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They still held each other’s gaze, and as the seconds ticked by and their eyes still held each other’s, their bodies pulled closer to one another. She could feel his breath. He could feel her heart hammering against her chest. All of their fears seemed to start to vanish. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Until Conrad’s phone rang. Damn.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Shit,” he muttered, tearing his gaze away from her as she dropped her arms from where they held him around his shoulders. They reestablished the distance between them. They rebuilt some of the walls they had just torn down. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He answered the phone, and Dr. Bell’s voice blared. “What happened?” Conrad asked, his voice laced with a hint of worry. “Oh, well,” he replied to Dr. Bell again after a few moments of listening, his voice now unreadable. “Okay. Does Mina know?” he asked. Another few seconds of silence. “Yes, I can tell her. Thanks,” he finished, hanging up. He lifted his gaze back up to meet Nic’s confused eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Everything okay?” she asked, staying in the same spot she was in, physically unable to move towards him again. Maybe it was only her that was feeling that way, she thought. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“The conference was moved up a week because of projected bad weather in New York. They’re supposed to get hit hard next week, right when everyone is supposed to fly in. They already contacted all of the keynotes and they can all still make it a week earlier. So, they just fast-tracked everything,” he began.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Okay, well, when do we have to be there?” she asked again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Our flight leaves tomorrow morning.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What?” she asked, her eyes wide. “Tomorrow morning?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah, wow, I’m so sorry,” he replied. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No, no, it’s not your fault at all,” she responded quickly, her feet carrying her towards him again. “We have to start packing. Like now.” Her eyes flicked back up to meet his. “Will you help me? Um, you know, pack?” she asked, innocently, sweetly. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Why the hell was she looking at him like that? Her chocolate orbs sparkled beneath her long eyelashes as she tucked a piece of her still damp hair behind her ear. That small action made his heart clutch. How the hell was he supposed to remain composed when she was standing right in front of him, her long legs teasing him, her scent fresh and strong from her shower, her hair still wet, in her house, slowly lowering her walls. Fuck. He was totally in trouble. So much goddamn trouble.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Conrad?” she repeated, blushing as she felt his heavy gaze on her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah?” he breathed, “Oh, fuck, sorry. Yes, I can help,” he replied, stumbling over his words as he tore his gaze away from her so he could catch his breath. How can just looking at someone have such a strong effect?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The way he was looking at her made her weak in the knees. She leaned forward onto the counter so she wouldn’t stumble into his arms or collapse onto the floor because she couldn’t take it. She doesn’t even know how she asked him to stay and help her pack. She doesn’t know why either. She just felt like it. Because she likes (loves) having him around. But when he simply traced his soft brown eyes across her body and along her face, she knew she was in trouble. So much goddamn trouble.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“So––” they both began at the same time, eliciting short, small laughs out of both of them. </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Well, I guess let’s start?” she asked, feeling her legs begin to shake as she set her half-finished cup of tea on the kitchen counter and started her way to her bedroom.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah, okay,” he replied, inhaling a deep breath before he set his completely finished cup down next to hers on the counter and followed her. “Hey, did you want me to grab your suitcase?” he asked just before she turned into her bedroom.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh, um, sure, it’s––” she began, but Conrad turned to the hall closet and opened it, pulling out her suitcase before she could finish. “Right, you know,” she said quietly as he turned back around and handed her the suitcase.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Nic, I haven’t forgotten anything about you,” he replied, his voice heavy again as he stopped himself from standing too close to her, creating an awkward amount of distance. But that was how far they needed to be so they wouldn’t just press their bodies against each other’s fully. Because God knows they couldn’t do that. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nic’s breath caught in her throat at his words, and she just blinked at him, not knowing what to say or do. The only thing running through her brain was kiss him, damnit. But she just couldn’t handle being hurt again, and if she kissed him now, there was no going back. She wasn’t ready.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hey, you okay?” he asked, one of his hands on her cheek, tilting her face up so her eyes met his. They didn’t do this. This was too close to what they used to have. She needed to stop it. And stop it now.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Uh, y-yes,” she stuttered, stepping away from his touch. She could see a flash of hurt in his eyes, but it was quickly replaced by a cloud of guilt. She instantly felt horrible for causing that reaction in him. Was she really doing the right thing by pushing him away? It was late. They were tired. They couldn’t do this now. “Hey,” she practically whispered. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean–– it’s just–– we don’t––” she tried to get the words out, but they just weren’t coming. </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s okay, I get it,” he said, his voice distant. “Let’s get you packed, yeah?” he asked as he walked past her into her room.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She squeezed her eyes shut and cursed at herself for this tension. Part of her just wanted to kiss him and get it the hell over with, but part of her was absolutely terrified that he would just return to being the same guy he was when they were together before. And as much as she loved him then, she was afraid that it would end again like it did once before.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She walked slowly into her room as she watched him grab a few items he knew she never could live or travel without––like her shampoo and conditioner, her favorite grey sweater, and one of her all-time favorite denim jackets. He knew her so goddamn well it scared the shit out of her. She leaned against the doorframe and just watched him for a minute. She took him in––his casual black jeans and red long-sleeve cotton tee, his sandy-brown hair which now was dry but still tousled, his agile fingers she loved so much, the way his muscles flexed as he folded the clothes he had already set out, and his gaze focused on the task he was doing. She knew it before, but she was certain now. She was in love with Conrad Hawkins.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“If you’re done staring, I would really like it if you came in here and helped,” he teased, flicking his gaze up to meet hers. She felt heat rush to her cheeks as she crossed her arms in front of her chest, rolling her eyes at his comment. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You wish I was staring,” she teased back, walking into the room and opening one of her drawers to fetch a couple pairs of jeans and one pair of nice slacks for the conference.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah, I do,” he replied softly, causing her to immediately stop what she was doing. She turned slowly to face him as he tilted his head ever so slightly to the side and smiled sweetly at her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She smiled back, still having no idea what to say, and she turned back around to close the drawer. She grabbed a few pairs of socks and some underwear, her hands now full balancing the clothes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hey, could you open this last drawer and grab a couple t-shirts?” she asked as she walked over to where he placed her suitcase on her bed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You do know we’re going to New York in the winter, right?” he teased.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes, silly, but I literally only sleep in t-shirts, remember?” she replied, rolling her eyes playfully again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hm, yeah, but I seem to remember you preferred sleeping in nothing,” he added, his voice deep and low. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She inhaled sharply, her eyes going wide as she dropped the clothes she was holding into the suitcase haphazardly. “Conrad…” she warned.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Just teasing, Nic,” he paused, his expression shifting from playful back to distant. “It’s what we do, right?” he said, somewhat remorsefully as he walked towards her dresser and pulled open the drawer. Like he knew that he didn’t have a chance. But he did. He does. Shit. What was she doing to him? It’s what we do, right? sounded a lot like because you don’t want more or because you don’t feel the same way about me. Both of which were completely false. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hey, I thought you said you wanted to give all my things back,” he said softly, breaking the silence.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hm?” she asked, re-folding the pants she had just dropped. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You kept this?” he asked, his voice still soft, as he held up a t-shirt––one of his t-shirts.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Um, I just––” she paused. “I couldn’t give it back,” she replied, her voice small. “I wanted––needed––to hold onto something––anything,” she added.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Nic…” he began, his voice wavering. “I–– I never did this properly, but I am so sorry,” he practically whispered. She was about to speak, but he continued, stopping her before she said anything. “I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I’m so sorry for the way I acted. I’m so sorry I took you for granted. I’m so sorry I caused you so much pain. I didn’t deserve you when we were together last year, and I hate myself for both taking you for granted and hurting you so much. I promise you that I’ve been working hard to get better. Nic, you have always made me want to be a better person. You challenge me, you push me, you inspire me. You’re fucking incredible.” He paused, his eyes scanning over her as he inhaled deeply. He stepped towards her, cupping her cheeks in his hands. He ghosted his lips over her forehead, and her shaky hands slid up his chest. “And you deserve better,” he whispered onto her skin.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He stepped away, and she swore she could hear his heart breaking. “I should go,” he practically whispered, his sweet brown eyes misty. You deserve better, he said. How goddamn wrong he was.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She was frozen in place. Things had been so muddy and blurry, but he was going to walk away. But she wanted this. She wanted everything with him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>But it was too late. </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>By the time she made it to her front door, he was already out. She had no idea how long she just stood there in her bedroom. You deserve better. Completely frozen. I should go. Paralyzed by the thought that this was it for them. You deserve better. She couldn’t imagine her life without him. I should go. And she just let him go. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Love makes people do crazy things. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She threw open her front door, tears streaming down her face, and she looked out into the street. The snow was still falling hard. Too hard to drive. Too hard for her to make her way to his place and tell him all the things she wanted to say but was too afraid to. Because actually losing him? That was far worse than the potential of reliving the pain when they were together.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She cried. There was nothing else she could do. She slid down against her front door until she was sitting on her front porch. She was cold as hell, but that didn’t matter because she felt numb. She knew she was supposed to see him tomorrow, but it would be different. There used to be hope. That chance of being something more. But now? It’s gone. They’ll be colleagues. Friends. She never thought she’d be so thoroughly averse to that word. But with Conrad? She wanted more than friends. She needed more.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And she made him leave. Because she was too afraid. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Because she took him for granted, too.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Watching him walk out of her house just now had her feeling emptier than she did when she walked out of that bar the day she left him. She let her tears soak her sweater as the cold soaked her heart. She called him once, but he didn’t pick up. She figured he was probably asleep already. She knew how much he valued his sleep when he had the opportunity to get it. She fucking knows him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A few more minutes, and a lot more tears later, she gathered herself and went back inside. She cleaned up both of their cups that they left on the kitchen counter. The last remnants of their night. The last remnants of their almost. His cup empty. Hers still half full. He gave everything to her. And she held back. She poured hers down the sink. It would be no good. It was cold and bitter. Fuck.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>She finished packing, and as she closed her suitcase and placed it next to her bed, she took off her damp sweater and replaced it with his t-shirt. She curled up in bed, wishing she could hold on to all their almosts and make them forevers. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He changed. He changed for her. And she was too damn afraid to believe it. He did the work. He got the help. He was ready for her. And she was too afraid.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And now she was too late. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She set her alarm for 5AM so she could catch the train and avoid having to drive in the snow. She knew Conrad would do the same, so she could possibly see him in the morning. She desperately wanted to see him in the morning. Before they had to just be colleagues. Friends. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Before she lost him for good.</em>
</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>PRESENT DAY</strong>
</p><p>But she didn’t lose him, and he didn’t lose her. They were there, and they were together, and he was packing her things because he loved her and they lived in the same house, and she couldn’t help but pull him away from folding a dress of hers and kiss him.</p><p>“You’re thinking about two years ago, aren’t you?” he asked, his voice soft as he felt the passion in every cell of her body.</p><p>“I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life, letting you walk out of that door that night,” she whispered, kissing him again. “But I’m so glad we’re here now. And I can’t tell you that enough. I love you, I loved you then, and I will always love you.”</p><p>“I don’t doubt that for a second,” he chuckled, kissing her briefly before adding, “and I love you the same.”</p><p>“Pack that t-shirt,” she husked before pulling him in for a deep and messy kiss.</p><p>“Way ahead of you, babe,” he replied before turning her around and laying her down on the bed so he could kiss her properly. “Did I ever tell you how much I loved whatever shampoo you used that night? Every ounce of self-control I had to use to not do what I’m doing to you right now then.”</p><p>“Pack that, too,” she mewled, pulling his body up to fully cover hers, kissing the pain out of those memories and filling that space with the new ones she was making right now with him.</p><p>In twelve hours, they’d be back on the same flight to the same hotel they were at two years ago, but this time, it’d be intentional that they were sharing a room, just as they now shared a last name. Watch out, New York City. The Hawkins-Nevin power couple is about to take the city by storm again, having leveled up ten-thousand-fold since the last time they’d been there.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. it's never going to be the same again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>here we go! only two more chapters after this!! so crazy this is almost finished</p>
<p>hope you enjoy!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Two years ago, I stood here and closed out this conference as the only nurse in the building. Now I stand here and welcome everyone today: doctors, nurses, PA’s, techs, assistants, students––we are all here today because we are a part of something special. We get to be a part of people’s lives when they are their most vulnerable. We’re there for their best and their worst. We’re there when they welcome a new human into the world, and we’re there for when a loved one departs. We’re there for all the moments in between. It is an honor. And now we’re here today to celebrate that. To celebrate the advancements we have made as a medical community, and to ask questions and push our disciplines further so we can achieve the best possible care––regardless of any demographic factors. This is especially important in the world we are living in right now.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I hope you continued learning two years ago like I called on you all to do. In case you were asleep last time I gave this talk, the most important thing I want you all to remember is tha</em>
  <em>t we are all more than our careers. I am more than just a Nurse Practitioner. I’m Nic.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I am not solely defined by the NP that follows my name, just like all of you aren’t defined by what combination of letters follow yours. I am defined by my actions and decisions that I make every single day. And so are you. We all have stories to share. Hardships we’ve overcome. People we’ve loved and lost. The good, the bad, the ugly. We’ve all been there, and we will continue to be there for the rest of our lives. But we chose to work in medicine, so we chose to be there for others, too. We listen to our patients. We listen to them, but we have a really hard time listening to each other. We all have important stories, too. And I’m here to remind us of that as we enter this week of seminars and discussions and talks. I just ask that you listen to me like you’d listen to your patients. And to care for your team like you do for your patients. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Neither of my parents had any formal education after high school. My mother was my biggest role model, though, for going into a career in medicine. Every day, she’d go to the free clinic near where I used to live and just listen to people tell their stories, detail their symptoms, and talk about anything and everything. She didn’t have any medical training, but she loved to listen to people. I came with her a few times because I was curious, and ever since I went the first time, I was completely mesmerized. Some of the people that came into the clinic were quite sick. But my mom somehow made them feel just a little bit better. She had a kind of superpower that completely enchanted me. And I didn’t know in that moment what the medical field entailed, or what rigor I would need to even enter that world. I just knew I wanted that. I wanted that superpower.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>When my mom passed away and my dad left, my little sister and I felt alone. Not the kind of alone where you know deep inside that you still have someone, anyone, around you, but the kind of alone where you know you’re totally by yourself. The kind of alone that makes you wish your thoughts would scream out of your mind so that you’d hear something. Anything besides the sound of your own breathing. The first few weeks were tough. But we talked to each other. We listened. And we found part of our mother in us. Our ability to listen to each other was what got me through one of the toughest times in my entire life. </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>That was when I stumbled into medicine formally. And when I stumbled into the rigor and hours of studying. By the time I was applying to college, my sister and I had grown further apart. She had her friends, and I had my books. We stopped eating dinner together. She’d come home later, and I’d wake up earlier. We fell out of touch with each other even though we knew deep down that we were all the other had. The only real family we had left. The only real family we truly remembered. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I remember the day I left for college. I will never forget the look in my little sister’s eyes. It was terrifying because it was something I had never seen before. It was something I never noticed because I was too focused on my studies and my work than I was of her. I stopped listening to her. I lost her, too, that very day. She and I weren’t in touch at all when I was in school. I kept trying to reach out, but my texts were met with read receipts, my calls with voicemails, and my letters with silence. I wanted––needed––to see her. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>So, I went home one weekend, and I found her on the ground, OD’ed, and I had never felt so much fear. I stayed with her in the hospital all weekend, and I took a week off school so I could be with her. I remember both of us crying so much that day. We’d kept too much from each other. We hadn’t listened in years. I was in the middle of medical school applications, getting notifications of interviews across the country, but there was only one place I wanted to be. I finished my last semester of college online from home as I stayed with my little sister, and I decided that my path to medicine would have to wait. She went to rehab, and I worked two jobs as well as started volunteering again at the same clinic my mother did. My sister and I ate dinner together over videochat every day while she was inpatient, and when she was transitioned to outpatient, we fell asleep holding each other each night. She told me everything, and I listened. I had no idea how hard of a time she was having because I stopped paying attention and checking in with her, and she didn’t want to disturb me in my studies. We lost each other because we stopped listening.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>But she was more important to me than any offer from any medical school. We spent the year together, and she started working at one of her favorite clothing stores and as a freelance photographer. Every time she sent me her new projects, I was just so happy that this world got to have her. Because it almost didn’t. My sister has been and always will be such a light in my life like my mother was. She passed away this past year, and though that void in the world that she left behind will never be filled, I have reconnected with my father and found deep love in other relationships in my life that would not have been possible without my sister planting those seeds. She lives on in everything I do. Thank you, Jessie. For everything.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I was out with her one morning, driving her to a meeting with one of her newest clients, who happened to be the CEO of Chastain Park Memorial Hospital. She usually didn’t ask me for rides, but that day she did, and I knew she had something up her sleeve. Turns out, my little sister was taking Chastain’s CEO’s headshots, and the topic of me and medicine came up, and she really wanted to meet me. She told me that day that because of my dedication to service, the work I was doing at the clinic, and my schooling already, Chastain would fund my medical school if I returned there for residency and fellowship. I asked if I could shadow for a couple months before deciding, seeing as I had to wait another full year before I could reapply. She granted me shadowing, and I learned all about how the medical field operated. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I remember one instance where a young boy was brought into the ED and instantly, a team of six or seven people were working together to save the boy’s life. I stood near the corner of the room, just watching. The boy ended up stabilizing, and as the doctors wrote a few notes and signed off on some medications before moving to talk to the family, there was one young woman left in the room. She sat with that kid until he woke up, and she was the first one he saw, comforting him when all he could initially feel was panic. She was listening to him just like my mother had. After the parents came in and the young woman left the room, I followed her out. She and I ended up talking throughout the entire rest of the day, and when she told me that she was an NP, I just knew that was what I was going to do. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I asked if Chastain would support my nursing school, and the CEO said she would. I applied, was accepted, went through, graduated, and came back to Chastain. As an NP. I love my job, but I love working with everyone more. Working through tough problems and difficult diagnoses, leaning on each other for support when we’re exhausted or emotionally drained, and telling each other funny or horror stories both within the hospital and outside of it––all of that keeps reminding me of how right my decision was for me. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I get a lot of ‘why isn’t she a doctor,’ or ‘she wasn’t smart enough to be a physician, so she settled for being a nurse,’ and it is so incredibly wrong. I chose to be a nurse. I didn’t settle. And I am smart. Anyone who works in medicine is smart. Remember how hard it was to even get in? All the late nights studying? All the stressful exams? All the times where you had to make a life-or-death decision in mere seconds? We are all more than good enough because we’re all here. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>There is so much I learn from you––all of you––each and every day. Your jobs are not easy. Working in the medical field isn’t easy. If it were easy, everyone would do it, because it really is the best job in the world. But we face so much difficulty each and every day. We make difficult decisions. People trust us with their health. Their lives. Their futures. Providing the absolute best care is our principal focus as healthcare workers. But you all know that. We work hard for our patients, but we work hard with each other. Medicine is not for the faint of heart, sure, but it also isn’t meant to be done alone. Every single person is necessary and important in our team. We can’t do what we do without each other.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The power of letting other people into your life is so very understated. I am so grateful to each and every person who has let me into theirs, and I don’t know where I’d be if I kept everything to myself. And let me tell you, it doesn’t work. And getting help isn’t a weakness. It shows how strong you are––to admit that you need to bring another person in on this, and to actually have the strength of speaking your truths to another person. It’s hard. But it’s not impossible. Trust me, I know. When you find that person––that person you can tell anything to––please, don’t let them go. We need each other now more than ever. Through the good, the bad, the ugly, and the in-between. For me, that person is my husband, Dr. Conrad Hawkins. He inspires me every day, trusts me with the things he’s sorting through in his mind, and loves me unconditionally through all my crap. I don’t know where I’d be without him. And thankfully, I’ll never have to know.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>So, physicians, nurses, NP’s, PA’s, techs, students, lab assistants, and every single person who works in or with the medical world and patients, keep sharing your stories. All of us are worthy of being heard. Me no more than you, and you no more than me. Keep letting other people in. Even when it’s scary. Because when it comes down to it, we’re all on the same team. We’re all trying to do what’s best for our patients. We’re all trying to support each other through this difficult responsibility. And we’re not alone.</em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>So, that’s me. Now, you can remember me as the NP from Atlanta who was almost a college-dropout and whose sister was a drug addict. Or you could remember me as Nic, just another human being who wants to continue listening to people’s stories for the rest of her life. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Listen. Learn. And let each other in. Enjoy the conference, and thank you so much for your time.</em>
</p>
<p>She really was a natural public speaker. As she made her way off stage, though, she felt a bit off.</p>
<p>“Hey, are you okay? You look a little pale,” Conrad whispered to her as she stood in the wings after her speech.</p>
<p>“Yeah, probably just some leftover nerves,” she replied, not entirely convinced that was the reason–– <em>wait</em>. She reached out to steady herself against his arm.</p>
<p>“Woah woah woah, are you sure you’re okay? I think I’m going to take you back to the hotel,” he said, holding her weight in his arms. She just stared blankly in front of herself, unable to form any sort of coherent thoughts or words. This might be it.</p>
<p>They made their way out of the conference hall, nodding and waving to a few stragglers as he guided her out into the crisp New York winter air. “Conrad,” she said finally, “something’s different.”</p>
<p>“Different how?” he asked, but she reached up to hold his face in her hands.</p>
<p>“I don’t want to get our hopes up, but,” she began. “I think I might be––”</p>
<p>“Holy shit,” he nearly gasped.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she replied with a soft chuckle.</p>
<p>“Do you––” he began before he was interrupted by a gaggle of young students.</p>
<p>“Dr. Hawkins?” one of them asked.</p>
<p>“Yes?” he replied, his hands not leaving his wife’s body.</p>
<p>“Is everything okay?” another student asked, glancing between Nic and Conrad.</p>
<p>“Yes, everything is alright,” Nic replied, sliding her hand down into Conrad’s and giving it a quick squeeze, letting him know that it was okay for him to go. “What’s up?” she asked the students, trying to play it cool so they wouldn’t tell that she was totally freaking out internally.</p>
<p>“Dr. Austin has specifically requested you, Dr. Hawkins,” the first student stated, gesturing to where Dr. Austin was standing, leaning against the front doors of the conference hall. “Something about a collaboration on this seminar in ten minutes?”</p>
<p>“I’ll be right over, thanks for letting me know,” Conrad replied warmly, and the students smiled. They all loved him.</p>
<p>Once the students left, Conrad turned back to his wife, “are you okay?” he asked hurriedly.</p>
<p>“Yes, yes, we’ll talk later. Now, go, you don’t want to keep Dr. Austin waiting,” she giggled, pressing her lips to his cheek.</p>
<p>“I love you,” he whispered into her hair, “and you better text me if you need <em>anything </em>at all. We’ll get back to the hotel soon enough. Then we’ll know.”</p>
<p>“I love you, too,” she began with a smile, “and I will.”</p>
<p>He kissed her forehead before he released her from his embrace and headed back into the conference space. As soon as he slipped back in through the doors, she blew out a breath and gathered herself.</p>
<p>She couldn’t stop thinking about it all day long. She needed to know. And as if he could read her mind, she pulled out her phone right as he called her. She answered immediately.</p>
<p>“They’re keeping me here for another hour, but Nic I can’t wait that long,” he said quickly and quietly into the phone.</p>
<p>“I can’t wait that long either,” she replied. “What do we do?”</p>
<p>“I want to be there with you––I don’t want you to do this alone,” he began.</p>
<p>“Stay with me on the phone, I’m going to the drugstore right now,” she replied as she began speedwalking down the New York City streets.</p>
<p>“Oh my God,” he exhaled into the phone and she could tell that he was running his fingers through his hair nervously.</p>
<p>She rushed into the first CVS she found, walking up and down the aisles until she found what she was looking for. He heard her make the purchase and step back outside the store.</p>
<p>“Conrad?” she said softly, breaking the silence that had stretched through the line as she just stood there, shifting her weight between her feet.</p>
<p>“Yes?” he asked, his voice wavering slightly.</p>
<p>“Do you want to find out right now?” she questioned, hailing a cab and stepping in almost immediately.</p>
<p>“I do,” he replied, but this time it wasn’t through the phone. She turned towards where she heard his voice––to the open door of the cab she had just gotten into––and she squealed.</p>
<p>“Oh my God! How did you get here?” she asked in a flurry, excitement bubbling over inside of her.</p>
<p>“I figured, you know, finding out if my wife is pregnant is way the hell more important than Dr. Austin’s life saga of a seminar,” he replied, slotting himself into the cab right next to her, closing the door and giving the driver the address of the hotel.</p>
<p>“I love you,” she whispered before giving him a chaste kiss.</p>
<p>“I love you, too,” he replied.</p>
<hr/>
<p>She sat on the floor of the bathroom for what felt like an eternity. She was almost frozen. Half of her really wanted to know. And the other half was almost content in living in the <em>what if</em>. But the look in her husband’s eyes pushed her over the edge, and she finally took the test.</p>
<p>She set a timer on her phone for two minutes, and while she waited, she paced around the bathroom, thinking about <em>what if</em>. Thinking about what happened all those years ago. Thinking about their conversations about their future together. What it couldlook like. What they wanted it to look like. When her alarm went off, indicating the two minutes had passed, she nearly stopped breathing. The sound of the alarm. Her racing heart. Her nauseous stomach. She was petrified and excited and nervous all at once<em>. </em>And she finally gathered the courage to walk back into the bathroom and turn over the little piece of plastic that revealed her future.</p>
<p>He waited for her in the bedroom, pacing back and forth around the room just as she had done in the adjacent bathroom.</p>
<p>She felt tears streaming down her cheeks as she looked at the plastic stick in her hands. And she saw two lines staring back at her. Two lines. Two lines<em>. Two lines</em>.</p>
<p>Two lines.</p>
<p>She was pregnant.</p>
<p>She breathed, and it felt like it was the first time she had done so in the past three hours, and one of her hands fell down to her still-flat abdomen. <em>I’m pregnant</em>, she thought. <em>I’m really actually pregnant.</em></p>
<p>“You okay in there?” he asked, worry coating his face.</p>
<p>Her eyes locked with his as she stepped out of the bathroom. “I think you need to sit down,” she whispered, causing the worry in his eyes to grow. She guided him towards the bed, sitting down next to him as she interlaced their fingers together. She inhaled a deep breath and blew it out slowly. This was it<em>. </em>“I’m pregnant,” she whispered, relishing the feeling of saying those words. <em>I’m pregnant. </em>She fucking loved it.</p>
<p>“Oh my God, Nic. <em>Oh my God!</em>” he exclaimed, leaning over to attack her with kisses. “We’re going to have a baby. Oh my God, we’re going to have a<em> baby!”</em></p>
<p>“We really are,” she giggled, smiling and pressing her lips to his.</p>
<p>“How are you?” he asked, pulling away slightly, “I mean, really, how are you?”</p>
<p>She knew exactly what he was asking about. The last time she was pregnant, she had a miscarriage. “I’m going to be completely honest, I’m nervous as hell. But I am so ready for this. I’m ready because I’m with you,” she replied, holding his face in her hands.</p>
<p>“I’m ready for everything with you. Goddamn, Nic, I love you so much,” he whispered, placing his hand on her flat stomach, right above their tiny baby.</p>
<p>“It seems like this hotel room has some kind of magic—our second first time and now two years later, we find out we’re having a baby,” she remarked, running her fingers through his hair.</p>
<p>“I think <em>you’re</em> the magic, Nic,” he replied, making her breath catch in her throat. She covered her mouth with her hand and felt her eyes grow wet. “Hey, are you okay?” he asked gently, stroking her face softly with his hand.</p>
<p>“Conrad, I’m great. I’m so great,” she whispered in response, wiping the tears off her cheeks.</p>
<p>“You’re<em> perfect</em>,” he replied, kissing her softly as her breath fell through her lips again. “And I love you very, <em>very </em>much.”</p>
<p>“Conrad…” she breathed, sliding her hands up her chest, “<em>come here</em>.”</p>
<p>“I’m here, Nic. There’s nowhere I’d rather be,” he replied as he found his way on top of her. He slipped his hands under the sweater she was wearing until he found her breasts. He kneaded them softly as he placed open-mouthed kisses down her neck.</p>
<p>“I feel different,” she replied hoarsely, struggling to get her words out while his hands and lips were all over her body.</p>
<p>“Good different?” he asked softly, lifting his gaze to meet hers.</p>
<p>“Good different,” she replied, stroking his hair then moving to lift her sweater over her head, arching her back off the bed to get it out from underneath her. As she did that, Conrad groaned at the sight, running his palms across the new expanse of exposed skin. Her bra was discarded quickly next as his agile fingers unbuttoned his own shirt. They were both already nearly panting, feeling so many different emotions. But they were overwhelmed with joy. They were ready to be parents. They were ready for everything together.</p>
<p> “We didn’t have this last time,” she mumbled quietly as his lips covered hers, her voice quivering slightly as he pulled away from her lips.</p>
<p>“But we do now,” he replied, holding her face with his hands before he leaned down and kissed her deeply. “Wow,” he whispered into her neck, gently worshiping her entire body. “I love you so much, Nic,” he added, pulling his lips away from her skin to gaze into her chocolate-brown eyes. “And this baby will only know love, so much goddamn love,” he added as she slipped her hands into his hair.</p>
<p>“So much love, Conrad. I love you, and I love this baby so much,” she replied, her voice barely above a whisper before she pulled his face down to hers. She reached between their bodies and found his belt buckle, pulling it open and off before she quickly unbuttoned and unzipped his black jeans. Before he could even comprehend what was happening, her hand slipped down into his boxers, and she found him already half-hard, her warm, soft skin against his hot, hard flesh making him groan, fuck, as he sucked on her lips.</p>
<p>“I love you,” he moaned into her lips as she pushed his boxers down off his ass.</p>
<p>“I love you, too,” she replied, her breath heavy and her eyes wanting, <em>needing</em>.</p>
<p>“Fuck, Nic,” he added, his voice low and thick. She whimpered at both his words and the fact that he removed his body from hers as he moved to pull her sweater off. Next was her slacks, and he lowered her zipper slowly, so goddamn slowly, and she pleaded for him to just get on with it because she fucking needed him. He pulled them off her legs all the way, leaving her nearly bare on the bed. He pressed the palms of his hands up the length of her long legs, reaching her hip bones before slipping around her waist and pulling her close. He leaned down again and kissed her slowly, deeply, with so much goddamn love.</p>
<p>“You are going to be such an amazing dad, Conrad,” she said softly into his ear as he placed kisses on her neck. “So kind,” she began as she inhaled deeply, “so brave,” she added with her exhale, “perfect,” she finished, coaxing his sweet brown eyes to meet hers.</p>
<p>“Nic, this baby is so fucking lucky they have <em>you</em> as their mom. You are going to be the best mother ever. <em>You</em> are perfect,” he replied, feeling his heart flutter and squeeze at her words. Their love language wasn’t really words of affirmation, but when they used them, it really meant everything. His hands slid higher underneath her body, reaching her middle back where her bra was clasped. He began to whisper all the things he loved about her––her laugh, her smile, her fucking eyes, her kindness, her unparalleled love, her almost sickening selflessness, and every single thing that makes her Nic (<em>perfect</em>, he thinks)––as he worked the simple black bra and panties off her body, leaving her now completely bare to him. He kicked off his pants and boxers the rest of the way so he was bare with her.</p>
<p>His palm slid up her (for now) flat torso, lingering just above where their little one was tucked safely inside of Nic, and ridiculous smiles spread across their faces. They both wanted this.</p>
<p>“We’re going to be parents,” he whispered into her neck as he rocked his hips gently against hers, the head of his cock nudging her slick folds and making her moan.</p>
<p>“We’re going to be parents,” she repeated, her voice mostly breath as she lifted her hips to slip him into her just a little. He quickly got the hint and pushed inside her a bit deeper, making her breath hitch. “There’s a new human inside of me right now,” she added, reaching up to stroke the sides of her husband’s face.</p>
<p>“There’s a new human inside of you right now,” he repeated. Both of their brains seemed to have short-circuited—resulting in them only able to repeat what the other had said because it was just so incredible. They both needed to taste those amazing words. They both needed to hear those words in their voices. They both needed to see the smiles that spread across the other’s face.</p>
<p>Drowning in her chocolate eyes, he had nearly forgotten the fact that he was paused half inside of her until she shifted beneath him, bumping her clit against his shaft and moaning deeply. He was drawn back to the present moment, and he thrust all the way into her, smothering her gasp with his kiss. He set a slow, shallow, rocking rhythm, just barely moving and driving her positively mad.</p>
<p>“Conrad,” she mewled, feeling her eyes fluttering closed at the <em>almost</em>.</p>
<p>“I love you,” he whispered, repeating it over and over against her skin as she flushed and panted and moaned. “I love you, and I love our little family.”</p>
<p>She was too far gone to reply, but he knew she felt the same. He was starting to lose his mind with the shallow movements, and he desperately needed a little more friction, so he pulled out and thrust down a little harder and deeper. She suddenly exploded around him, coming with a rush of wetness between her thighs and a rush of warmth in her heart. He was chasing his release next, and he finally found it and was trembling and groaning as his wife stroked his hair and whispered how much she loved him, too.</p>
<p>They laid together—a sweaty, sticky, naked mess—with stupid grins plastered on their faces. Their hearts thumped wildly with adrenaline and love and excitement for the future. He traced random patterns along her abdomen, between her two scars where she carried the life they made together—a life they made out of the deepest love that could have ever existed.</p>
<p>She leaned towards him and kissed him lazily and sloppily, landing her hand on top of his that he had still placed over her abdomen. She felt him smile into her kiss, and she couldn’t help but smile, too. Soon, they were just staring at each other and smiling like dorks.</p>
<p>“We’re going to be parents,” he said again.</p>
<p>“We’re going to be parents,” she repeated.</p>
<p>“God, it’s never going to be the same again,” he chuckled, running his fingers through her hair.</p>
<p>“No, it’s not,” she giggled in response. “<em>It’s going to be better.</em>”</p>
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